Realizations and Reactions

Sometimes God brings you to a place in life where you realize something heavy about yourself, a sobering fact that maybe you noticed before in the quiet moments, in the shadow of the day when the sun stretches its veils across the dimming sky. In recent days, something that I had only seen in the vaguest of detail came into focus. I am selfish. - - - In all seriousness selfishness is not quite as bad as your blue haired sunday-school teacher told you, but in this cause I feel a great necessity to rectify this fault of character where my friends are concerned. I have realized that there are periods of time when I put friends down and forget about them, hide them in a box and put them in the obscure corners of my mind. This revelation revealed my lack of ability to trust people... There really is no one that I have let all the way in, though Gem was getting close - and I think that's why I was so effected by the separation - and since have felt as if I were continuting life but feeling nothing. The point being that I have a tendency to keep people at arms length and in that distance allow myself to leave my friends behind in times when I am busy making the excuse that I am "too busy" when, since returning to the life of a bachelor, I spend most nights sitting on my couch alone. I have decided that I do invest in people quite a bit of myself and my time, but it is not the full bredth of my ability and the reason I cannot say that I have a "best friend" is because I have never allowed myself to be close enough to someone to have such a relationship.

All that being said, I have elected to examine my relationships here in T-nasty and decide which are worth spending more time on - creating a closer and more meaningful relationship- and which are not. The people who are my true friends deserve more and the people that aren't... well... don't. My goal is to increase time spent with friends and make lasting and unforgettable bonds that cannot be places in boxes or corners and as this is my last semester here, there are only very few moments left to make such connections.

With love,

AA


P.s. - I forgot to mention in my last post that my character in the opera is Persian and you know what that means! BRING ON THE SUN TAN LOTION ;) ( My little white bottom will be brown by March) I am excited about this project of obtaining tan skin - I look pretty good with one, if I do say so myself.