Muffled Mental Mumblings

So, life is upon us - and as always - my ability to turn the simple into complex and vice versa, is crippling my curmudgeonly brain.

I settled on the Voodoo, Race and Revolution in Haiti class, it includes a LOT of reading, but so far it is interesting.

I am struggling with the decision of where to live next year: through many pros and cons, I really love my place despite its faults. (i.e. lack of Dishwasher, Washer and Dryer, insulation...). My thought is, I love my place, and I could stay here and continue to pay higher rent prices, or I could move and have to drive to school next year and either pay for a place to park, or brave the lots daily. Really this decision hinges on a few others that are giving me mental heartburn: (1) ho many hours should I take in the fall (2) should I get a "real" job (3) should I be saving money for grad school/moving, etc. - - (In a side note, I am down to paying off one, ONE credit card!!!! I will be able to pay it off over the next two months and then, I shall be debt free. Praise Jesus. I was very proud of that fact.)

Chicago is going alright, it will be good, I think. I don't know if I really want my family to come... supposedly we are supposed to be kind of naked a lot of the production. Score. Anorexia, here I come.

On yet another Debbie Downer Note, I wrote this... whatever it is in response to two people:

I am a crushed and crinkled bit of paper in the trashcan of your mind, in the dusty edges of awareness, where stained shirts hang on the line. I am here, a fragment, of what you once had; an idea in the darkness, a persistent pest carefully jarred. I want you to remember me and call me sometime. It seems that in all your races to do the best for everyone else, that you are distracting, diverting, detracting from yourself. Perhaps you lack the words, or better yet the balls, to return a call, type a word - - you fear the guilt it could cause. You've wrapped yourself in white feather pillows and tied them on with rope, in the hope that I'm forgettable, that the flame will extinguish quietly without a trace of smoke. Or perhaps it's that your horrible indifference is responsible for m wounds, I suppose there will be a "sorry" somewhere for that one, too... I am not transparent, nor invisible to the eye, so then the question I ask you is: why? Why do you not answer; why do I not make you blink; why am I forgettable, ignorable, regrettable, or whatever the hell you think!? Your tight lipped ways infuriate me, they singe every part of me, I am the scorched earth of Georgia after Sherman's March to the Sea. Truly it's self-inflicted, there's something in this pain, something that I return to here that makes some sense; insane. I need for you to talk to me, and not pretend it's all alright. It isn't and it hasn't been since you plastered that laissez faire grin on your stupid beautiful face. My broken rhymes rhythmicize what I feel is true, and the conclusion I have for both of us, is that there is talking to do.

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So, that was to Gem and another ex who seem to think if they ignore me, I don't exist. There are few times when I get angry, but when I feel marginalized and ignored is one of my 'buttons,' so that being said, I have decided to talk to them. On a broader scale, I find two kernels of wisdom that can be gleaned here too: (1) Entitlement of Self : I should communicate when I feel a certain way, and be unapologetic for my feelings; This is an issue I struggle with, and I am working through it. (2)Entitlement of Others : Recently, I have played the same card of, ignore them and they'll go away. Unfortunately, people, unlike the T-Rex do not go away if you stand still long enough. I may have injured people with by ignoring them. Granted, the alternatives are uncomfortable, but truth to others and ones self is much more preferable than any substitute. So, time to hike up the newly acquired big boy breeches and get down and dirty.

End Sad things; On to the happy.

My mom called me this week, she got the results back from the test and she has nothing to worry about. (Thank You, God! You had me scared there for a second). I really love my mom and couldn't live without her. Human frailty sucks, I'm over it! Thank you to everyone that sent out prayers and energies. It helped, if not the outcome of the test, my peace of mind knowing that people in the world care.

I am in an amorphous place, which seems to happen to me a lot. I am kind of lonely, but I don't ache for company - which is a good thing. I feel that I am still maturing and readying myself for the person that I will share my life with, but at the moment I've been a bit dreamy for a someone of my own. I'm still getting a lot of online attention from guys, which is nice, but mostly in the "let's f*%k" side of things. No crazy long term options, but I am not 95 yet , so I have some time. I had a nice lunch date the other day with a perfectly sweet guy, and I think it would be nice to see him again. I think he'll turn into a friend though, his intelligence is very nice, we see the world from similar perspectives but I don't find him that attractive. Recently I have been noticing feminine beauty, more so than normal. Maybe it's the beard? (ba-doom *chick*) But seriously, I kind of fancy myself as a free lover. Not tied to dudes or chicks and having never had a meaningful relationship with a girl I wonder what it would be like. Ruminate on that and I'll get back to you. This post has already gotten to be three times as long as I wanted. Suffice it to say, I am happy and healthy and okay where I am. Growing successfully and just... alive; all good things.

Love to you all :)
AA