Goodnight, Grumbles.

Life is funny, the things that catch in your mental trap - things you never expected to capture, jewels fated to come into your path. - - So maybe I'm feeling a little overly romantic tonight, but what's wrong with that every now and again?

Tonight I saw I am number four, and I thought, for what it is - it was pretty good. And of all the things in the movie the idea that stuck with me most is that a place can be as cool as.... I don't know.... Las Vegas, but it's only as good as the people you know there. Tallahassee for all it's faults, hasn't sucked the life out of me yet because of all the beautiful people that fill my life. Thank you!!!

On another odd note, as I drove away from the theatre, I wondered if I were someone charged with saving the earth would I want to (ala Milla Jovovich in 5th element). This was sparked by an insistent car that wanted my stellar spot and had me pinned into it so that I couldn't get out comfortably. I find myself less and less impressed with the rise in selfishness of people as I get older. This... lack of ability to remove themselves from their own thoughts and momentarily take a mental journey in the life of the people their actions are effecting. The beauty and the curse of being human is that we all are connected, regardless of whether you would like to be or not, to all the lives we've ever come into contact with. You connect, on some level - surface to the deepest depths, with everyone you come across. And so many others that I have come across seem to be black holes - the ingest everything they can, greedy for even the things they do not need, because they are centrally focused. Anyway, It never ceases to get me off balance emotionally when someone is selfish and completely uninterested in seeing anything from a perspective that isn't their own. It frustrates me because I cannot relate... I do not understand that kind of life... and maybe they are frustrated by me because they can't understand me either. Whatever the case, if charged with saving the earth I would put great thought into what I was saving and if it was totally worth it.

Another thing that's kind of got me going lately is the idea that on, granted it's a bit of a sleazy website, people think that they can lay out this list of things that they do and do not like and expect someone to come along, accept their "demands" and actually talk to them. For example, things like "no fems because I don't deal with that bullshit" - wow, because everyone that is a little fem must be a giant ball of disgusting drama and should go shoot themselves in the face A.S.A.P. I'm not super fem, but I am a little bit... and I just feel like people aren't being realistic here. The popular thing is to say that you want to date someone masculine... well, let's just say that a lot of gays aren't that... so you'll be looking for Mr.Right for a hell of a long time if he has to be masculine, tall, built, smart, attractive, etc. I'm not saying that you can't have things that you want from a relationship and a partner, hell - I have high expectations, but I am saying that I smell some dog doodie here. My theory is that it's a display of not being comfortable with oneself, with the idea of actually falling in love with another man, and just not being open minded in general. It's important that all people, despite what they look like and how fem or butch they may be feel like they are loved, or could be... Self-loathing is so 20th century, how many people need to have an eating disorder or kill themselves before we realize that it's up to us to say this is "Bullshit." You have to live in your own skin forever, you need to arrive at a mental place where you love, embrace and are fully aware of who you are - I'm not endorsing arrogance, but I am saying a little self-confidence never hurt anyone, and it's sexy. I've never met a sexier man than one that is all himself all the time and isn't sorry for it. ( - - - To that end I have stopped apologizing for things I do not believe are my fault) But anyway, short story of all that is stop putting negative energy out there people - you can have a list, I guess... just don't start off with that, and let it be fluid, realize that ideal is nice but you may find something that isn't at all what you thought you wanted, but is EXACTLY what you needed if you let yourself be flexible.



Right after I posted on Monday the douche texted, we went out and had drinks Monday night - - he's pretty cute and not bad to talk to in person. He's a little more noticeably fem to me than other guys that are "like him" - anyway, I got a little wastey and flirted a little, but nothing overt. The girl he brought along kind of ended up with the bad kind of drunk and I'm a little thankful because the night might have ended quite differently if I hadn't been shewed away by this crazy girl who didn't want me to see her vomit... cute, yeah? Anyway, I landed safely in bed - little too drunk for a weeknight AND my alarm didn't ring the following morning. I was an hour late to work, I'm SO glad they are so chill. I texted douchey boy and said I had a good time, he didn't reeeally say he did but I don't care all that much. We'll see if he calls anytime soon. I'm not holding my breath or holding back from two boys I met recently, one of them is SUPER cute and seems very sweet - and he's taller than me, which is rare but nice to have. I won't say more than that because I am already mentally getting us a domestic partnership in my head and I need to stop with the expectations foolishness I always seem to create in my head.

I got a haircut, it's pretty short - but when I looked in the mirror this morning I felt like I looked like a man. I felt kind of foxy. My face is a little thinner from more exercise and eating better. For Lent I am going to give up Fast Food, Porn, Liquor and Masturbation. I'm going all out this year. I feel like the hardest of them might be the Fast food, to be honest.... Wish me luck on making it to Easter, I really do feel like this is a good time to be without all those things, they are holding me back.

Sorry for my rambling rumblings and goodnight grumblings. Hope it made, at least, some sense. Now it's all blessed and released. I challenge you to bless and release something today, give it up to God, the universe, whatever thing you choose. Realize that you don't have to carry it with you - get it out there and let it go - feeling pretty zen right now, Love to you all!!

AA