Ash Wednesday - Ashes and Embers

This post is a cliffnotes version of the past few days/weeks:

This Week:

Valentine's Day was lovely, I met a man from Paris online and we talked for the better part of the afternoon. Valentine's Night was a little less bright and cheery - half-empty beds don't make for the snuggliest of sleeping.

I sang for Graham Johnson, one of the most famous accompanists and vocal coaches of all time. He didn't love my performance, but I thought, for me, it was a performance to be proud of.... and I got more than a few compliments about my attire and stage presence. (FYI: I love me a good paisley tie... I think I have four in various color schemes - I wore the green and navy blue one that night) (People also said I looked good today, which made me feel quite nice)

I finally sent my application for the program I have been looking at in Spain. I am applicant number 1877 - which means that there is hope that I will get the grant to teach there for 8 months (October - May) but I might not.... So, I'm going to send all the additional paperwork and then I will find out in April whether I am accepted or not for this coming school year. If I am not, I am not really sure what my plans will be - but I guess we'll cross that bridge in April.

Another future travel update: I am going to Paris for most of July! I'm so EXCITED!! I make my final payment in a few days! I am looking for a flight etc, I want to go early but I don't know anyone there so I'd have to get a hotel or hostel for that amount of time.

Life is full of new plans and things coming together. I have decided that I am no longer able to avoid studying as I usually do and that weekends will soon start being devoted to homework to allow for less stressful and hectic week days.

I fell short of my plan to learn my Debussy set for my recital on or before Valentine's Day, so I am trying to wrap that up in short order, though I think I might leave Debussy for a while and learn some of the Hoiby that I have been assigned. 'To an isle in the water' sounds pretty interesting and quite a change of pace from what I have been working on so far this semester.

The opera has begun, we've already staged act one and started act two tonight. The going is tough, and it looks like I am going to have to buckle down here too. - An upside: I get to play a Persian man which means I have an excuse to get a great tan or even go to the tanning bed and I get to be funny and cute, hopefully I can avoid wearing the rehearsal skirt, or any skirt for that matter, for the rest of the run. Note to self: Don't be a Drag Queen.

French is kicking my beeeeehind. I am currently talking to three of my friends about meeting to practice conversing in French with each individually as well as starting to attend the student groups that meet weekly for French and Spanish. My conversational skills are not quite up to par, as noted by one of my teachers especially, so in order to get the grade I want I have to work harder.

To graduate Cum Laude, I need to bring my GPA up, which means it is time to get serious about school - and everything else... unfortunately.

I need to find a job for April through June that I can return to in August - October.... if anyone has any ideas, they'd be extremely appreciated.

Musings of the week:

Lucy Ho, Tallahassee's own restauranteur and Costume Mistress of the Florida State Opera Company, said that this is a bad year for us kids born in '86. (the year of the Tiger? - I think) and I have to give it to her, this year, thus far has been a year of much trial and tribulation but more than those things, internal discovery and growth. - - - I have discovered that I am not as comfortable with myself or others as I once thought. This is something that I am working on and trying to augment a bit. - - - Today in the car on the way back from Wal-Mart I was listening to a song (that I can't seem to find online right now) that talked about how two men view the same girl who sings the song and how one thinks she's perfect and wonderful and the other just seems to put up with her. She says one guy finds her irresistible. This thought gave me pause, I have never been or felt irresistible to anyone. For a moment I was sad and thought about how nice it would be to illicit such feelings from someone then I thought to myself this is something that should be remedied! Why am I always the one to invest everything and go bankrupt at the end of the day? It is far past the time that someone should invest in me in such a way that I feel loved, wanted, appreciated and above all irreplaceable.

Along those same lines, today marked the end of a second week without seeing Gem. At our last dinner there was a palpable disconnection between us, I don't know how I feel about him... he just exists and though he said he wanted to remain close and continues to say so, he makes no effort to maintain any sort of relationship with me. We have made countless sets of plans that he has bailed on and said "sorry, ...." insert sad excuse for a reason. I am quite through with "sorry" - the truth of the matter has always been and remains that if something or someone is important to you, you think of them and make time for them. I see no evidence that this is happening and thus, my hand is forced. I have decided to allow him to come to me whenever he pleases, but I will try to decrease effort on my end to a bare minimum, at this point he has fallen short in all ways possible and lacks the desire to truly make me feel worth his time and energy.

As it is Ash Wednesday, Lent begins - I am giving up Hamburgers and Liquor - a very sad trend for me lately has been to sneak off to McDonalds or some other place to get fast food when I get hungry. The weight I have managed to somehow lose will find me once again if I stay on said track - but more importantly, I think that it's time to think about the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and choose to make a sacrifice myself.

So, there are ashes floating about in the air, reminders and musings about the past and present as well as embers to stoke the flame of the future. Thank you all for your sweet messages of encouragement and kindness. I feel truly blessed and am making the daily decision to be happy as much of the time as possible, I wish you the same happiness.

Love to you all

-AA