Fishbowl of thought

My brain is all a-buzz with thoughts of this and that; a smorgasbord of snippets and smatterings. Fragments of French, a sundry of Spanish, a mixed bag of music from Mussorgsky to Muse with random lyric lines of Gulag Orkestar and Granados, with Gnarls and Nordic Nationals intermittently appearing.

Recently I have simultaneously felt empowered and simultaneously stark naked and inexorably vulnerable.

Mom has an appointment to collect cells soon, and so, we'll know in a few weeks what is happening on that front - the idea that she could have cancer is one of the sources of my implacable vulnerable feelings. My brain is intensely congested with the thousands of trains that are flying around in my fishbowl of consciousness. I could type for hours and still not exhaust all that there is to talk about in my mental microcosm.

Though my brain is clouded and upside down, the day has not been awful by any means. I got up early for an exam and have been a decently happy camper all day. I have the strangest craving for mashed potatoes right now, comfort food, I guess? God is watching out for me though, I found out I don't have rehearsal tonight, which is fantastic! I'll have plenty of time to sleep, write my paper and study for my exam tonight. I really need a good night's sleep, these past few nights have been filled with many a late hour and little actual rest. I'm going to ATL this weekend to see Peach, I miss here and I am so glad that I can go :) and forget about this semester after my last final tomorrow afternoon.

On Tuesday I had a lovely lunch date with a boy, there are possibilities there.

One of the quotes on his online profile reads:

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

I very much like this quote, yet another scrap of someone else to fly around and collide with the other things in my head - making melancholy and art. I however am not extremely melancholic, just pensive, as always. I have begun to make lists for the summer and have decided it shall be call the summer of language, art and music. I have been drawing, well... doodling, a lot lately which feels nice. I want to read a few books this summer and focus on music for my recital and maintaining my French and Spanish competency. OH, and I have decided to paint the living room... and maybe get a new couch, if funds are available.

As I left my exam this morning I walked out of the building behind a recent acquaintance who was on a morning run. I walked behind him without interrupting his concentration and as he ran off toward the center of campus he handed me a mental torch, whether consciously or not, I realized that there are so many things about myself that I am proud of; pieces of me that make me feel good about myself and what I have become over this journey of college. I am proud of where I stand, but I am also willing to admit that there are plenty of places to get better. I am ready to get better without discounting the ground that I have already gained.

I hope you are happy with yourselves today and are giving yourselves sufficient credit where you deserve it. Never let anything or anyone, INCLUDING yourself, let you feel like the things you have accomplished are not worthwhile.

Love and Praise to you all,
AA

The day has been okay...

Today, I survived. I guess Karma, seeing that I had written about her yesterday decided to give me a couple of good thumps. The title of the post comes from Emiliana Torrini's song, something about it captures today for me.

The day started off well enough. Slept in - seems to be a trend of late - went to work and there was a certain film of unease over the office. I told Chrome Diva, my boss - she has a motorcycle and is awesome- about last night and the mishaps. She was cool with it, I also came clean to the prof about not taping the concert last night because I overslept. Needless to say, she wasn't thrilled about it. Which no has brought me to the thought that my day was like some sort of horror filled stale cookie. The beginning and the end were mediocre but more than bearable and the middle... wretched.

So, on to the foul bits. I had to do some scurrying today to be in all the necessary places at one time. Firstly, my French teacher for both of the two oral interviews for our class has scheduled mine well outside the bounds of class time. Today, the second of the two was no different, only this time it fell in the midst of my voice studio class. No big deal, I emailed my Prof and he was cool about it - I knew it would be easier to talk to him than my French prof., but anyway... so he said it was cool if I ducked out and came back. Went to the interview early and did very well, she even remarked that it was obvious I could talk about the material easily. Then, bombshell, and I quote "So, I can't seem to find your grammar portion of the last test, and since I am sure you think you turned it in and I have never lost a paper in all of my career, you will just retake it right now." I am sure my face turned white. That test was HARD. I couldn't make words to say that I had a class I was missing, that I had a rehearsal I had to go to, or that I hadn't studied the material in weeks. She took me to a conference room, sat me down and said - good luck. I went through it as fast as I could, because I had to go back to class and I didn't have time to think too far into depth. Suffice it to say, it didn't go well.

I returned to studio class in enough time to fill out the course evaluation for my Prof, who is amazing, and then run off to what honestly was one of the most annoying rehearsals of my life. Maybe it was because I was on edge, or that the people talked too much, but I had enough venom in me to kill a man. Our director, same one responsible for the tire tracks on my back, is directing this scene too.... she changed some things and added junk - mind you our performance is Sunday and none of us has time to devote to running choreography we don't really know... - by the end of the rehearsal I was boiling. I left as fast as I could to my office, and took very many deep breaths until I finally just vented aloud to my boss and co-worker/ex-boyfriend (he also sports the resident asshole hat on weekends).

After work I called to talk to my mom to hopefully get some sort of feel good warm fuzzies from her, only to find out that she might have cancer..... she's going in for a test tomorrow to check and see what exactly this fuzzy area on her mammogram is. I almost burst into tears then. Mom says that she thinks it will be fine and she will call as soon as she knows the results. Please send prayers and good energy to my mom, I don't have any idea what I would do without her. - - The thing is that I am really worried, I don't want to write it out in words why I am worried, I feel like that gives it even more power and makes it a more real possibility... but I am worried. I need my mom, I don't know what my family would do if she got sick or worse.

After that conversation I took a nap, I couldn't be in the conscious world anymore. Went to work post nap and then was rescued by Eesh when I was walking home. We watched tv, had some beer and pizza and it really made most of the day disappear and seem more bearable.

The day ended relatively well despite Karma or Fate or... whatever's best attempt at balling me up into a non-functional mess. I hope that I can handle future days like this with more grace, poise and composure - and more than that I hope that God provides me the strength to be there for my mom regardless of whether this turns into something serious or not. For some reason, I have always imagined that my parents and Grandmothers are immortal, or at least wouldn't leave me here to live without them. The reality grows ever more clear that my family and I are fragile humans and our time is limited - the time has come to seize every moment and regret nothing.

Love to you all,
AA

Frosted Flakes.

Rap of the day:

I know you wanna touch it, baby can you taste it? - If you ain't gonnna love it, I'm not about to waste it.

-----
If I am a flake, I would like to be a frosted flake - or a baked flake?.....

I had Frosted Flakes for dinner.... hey, it's 420, I do what I want - though I didn't smoke out today - I say that like it's something that I do normally.... anyway, suffice it to say that my brain is not functioning at its full capacity today. I have had a decent day though, despite the rain, oversleeping for work, and being thrown right up under the proverbial bus by my scene director. You know, small potatoes.

Opera scenes are this Sunday, they should be interesting. I've never had an experience like this one, where my scene director seemed competent and just has trouble expressing ideas - and - when the ideas she has specifically outlined end up coming together our program director doesn't like them and the performers get the old heave-ho under the bus, because obviously we misunderstood what she said..... annoyed, but hey, the frosted flakes were tasty.

Spring is still in full bloom where the booty is concerned... I made out with a boy last night, and keep getting hit on. More than a few men and women have made eyes at me, which makes me feel nice inside. I think it will fade when the pollen haze is replaced by the humid heft of summer.
I keep getting booty calls at weird hours of the night from vomit dude.... you'd think I had done my part when we first met to get rid of this guy, but I guess my disgusting impression of Linda Blair only impressed him? No idea about that one - but he called last night, and I legitimately was not near my phone - kissing, you know - but if I had been... I probably wouldn't have answered. Whoops, I'm a bad person, Karma will thump me soon enough.

I am supposed to go to an underwear party on Friday... I am not entirely sure if this is a great plan, as I currently feel a little fluffy, though I have lost weight, and am not sooo sure I want to go. F.Y.I. it's a theatre party that is held annually where all guests wear only underwear... there are all these skinny, pretty, loud people there that have nothing better to do than compete for the spotlight - can I say, most emphatically, that I daily celebrate the fact that I am a musician and not an actor? because, darlin, I DO! - So, pretty people, blah blah blah, and underwear = possible pointing with the pen15 and I was invited by this cute, slightly odd, 12 year old (i.e. freshman). I do love underwear though and have plenty of cute options, so it remains on the table as possible weekend fun.

Back to the thoughts of beauty from L'Bergique - so, he's not pretty outside, and though he is very intelligent and talented, I do not always love his insides either. We argue a lot, mostly because of unrequited love, I gather. Tonight he texted, and as often happens, said something to stir me up which made me think... why do i even care about this right now? why am I trying to please him and make him feel comfortable when he is always digging his claws into me to make me feel something. Babe, I like you but I do not love you and you being shitty to me does not make me feel any closer or have the desire to get closer to you. But anyway, this thought of miscalculated beauty has been in my head for quite some time. I find that many people believe themselves to be martyrs of love and life and cursed with exteriors that aren't reflective of their interior - I say, bullshit. We all struggle, the spectrum of internal and external beauty, to find someone with which we connect in a meaningful and worthwhile way. My friend Mouse lives with Eesh, he's African-American and does not lack anything externally, he's an okay looking guy, but he is truly pushy, aggressive, selfish and to add a cherry to the cow pie, a bad kisser... he laments his lot in life and blames the general lack of men willing/excited to a) date a black man b)who find his interior superior to others and c)who are up to his standards. - Standards, may I add, that he does not himself meet. Mouse is a prime example of someone who thinks their shit doesn't stink, but in fact, all the emotional broccoli they have been eating is stinkin up the whole house. I find that it is a fault of humans today; either they are unable to attach blame to themselves and all of the fault lies outside of their perfect, pristine internal selves, or the rest of us who, like ostriches, hid our heads in the sand of ourselves thinking of how awful we are and what we can do to be better. Beauty is a tough subject to broach, it brings into question all sorts of conditioned social norms that have been hardwired into our little baby brains that then guide us through our lives as adults. It's hard to hack the hardwiring... but I think that I find people beautiful that others wouldn't necessarily find lovely. Suffice it to say, this conversation isn't over in my head, stay tuned for more self-loathing? ya? (kidding.... mostly)

I spent yesterday with Twin and her bwa, he's a really good guy and I like that. Few straight men make me feel at ease, and I never felt like I was being judged or as if I were an imposition. Thumbs up, Twin, pick of the litter! It felt like Friday with all the empty space in the day and having drinks, dinner and conversation with great people, but alas, in fact it was only Monday. Now Tuesday has ended and it's time for Wednesday to start. Hopefully I can keep up with posting now that free time isn't at such a premium.

Love to you all,
AA

Oh the places you'll go...

Oh the places you'll go, theme and variations.

I: Oh the places you'll go: in your sleep....

So, as per usual, I have had fierce crazy dreams all month, punctuated last night with a winner of winners.

Synopsis:

I am sitting somewhere, believed to be my grandmother's house - but 24 hours of awake make dreamy thoughts and details fuzzy - I am watching a tv special about the fine china and glassware owned by some famous or affluent person. Gran is sitting with me and for some reason my thoughts focus in on the very pretty purple glass plate that the host is talking about. Then my grandmother and I are in the kitchen where the show was filmed, but we are alone. The lights are off. My grandmother comments about how bright something is, I assume she means the light coming in through the windows, which is in fact dim - senile dream grandma? - I am attracted to the periwinkle fiesta ware pitcher. Gran comes up behind me and says over my shoulder "So, you're gay, right?" (it gets better) I, in utter shock, am speechless and turn to face her. She turns me back around to face the counter and starts dry humping me....... she asks "So you like it in the back?"

Suffice it to say, I will never sleep ever again.


II:Oh the places you'll go: while ... intoxicated.

This weekend I ingested more than my average allotment of Alcohol, Weed - yes, I said weed, and as a consequence of the alcohol and weed - Pizza, I got the Munchies/Drunchies hard core, don't judge.

So, Thursday: Went to the dudebro bar Bullwinkles to meet my friend MiniVann and his room mate Becks - I accidentally ran into some people from school and was waylayed found out MiniVann didn't like them too much and all was remedied when they left shortly after. I had a couple liquor pitchers (maybe that was the reason for my pitcher dream with G-ma?) and was lit like nobody's business. (I have an exceedingly low tolerance and am a horribly cheap date since I gave up booze for Lent.) MiniVann had a friend with him that I had met before who is kind of cute and would have sufficed that night had I been more enticing, but apparently drunk/high me is not nearly as cute as everyday me.... note to self: don't get drunk and high in front of marginally attractive men. (alcohol, helping the world aim lower and be less disappointed with every drop.) Maybe it was the fact that I peed in the parking garage? - - but all three of us did that.... I have no idea. So anyway, we smoked out in MiniVann's car on the way to this after party. All of us were hungry and decided after getting lost in a neighborhood near Gordo's where I peed - yes again, but this time alone and in a random neighborhood - in front of an oncoming truck - classy, right? with a CAPITAL K - (please also note that the grown up version of Key Club is called Circle K....? Confused. ) we decided that we'd hit up the Hungry Howie's on Pensacola which is right next to Baja's. Marginally attractive male had the phone number for Double H stored in his phone - SCORE! - we called ahead and arrived to an empty Howie's. After getting our pizza, the crowd from Baja's is filtering in.... we were five white children in a restaurant full of black people. I being overcome with unimaginable drunchies magnified by the pot am trying desperately to extricate myself from the grips of ferocious hunger by eating a LOT of pizza. I had no idea we were in the minority until M.A.M (Moderately Attractive Male) pointed it out. Everyone else seemed super freaked... I just kept eating - classy, yet again. We bail after I devour the last piece of pizza, the after party dissolved and we went to MiniVann's to hang. - Eventually he took me home and I would have had my way with one of them... but destiny intervened and I passed out at 4 am and slept quite well.

Friday: Rough start, didn't make it to work til after noon. Went through the whole day just fine and then ended up going out to Works after the recital I attended - after that Drizzle where I had more than a few beers. I saw someone get taken away by the police ( and by the way I looked damn good - I got hit on by more than a few people ;) - so maybe it's just the pot? I dunno). With my acquired confidence I texted Gem, he works across from Drizzle saying "I would like to seem more of you in my life, do with that information what you will." and here it is Monday and he has done nothing with said info, no one is surprised. - - - I ended up with the drag queen at his house with his back up dancers talking until late in the night aaaand eating Hungry Howie's.

Saturday: woo chile I was feelin old, worked all day and prepped for a party at mi casa. The party was good, poorly attended, but the lushes that did come drank all the punch. I had a few people trollin for ass, but once again, I slept alone - which was probably good. Proof you ask?: I got to sit with one of my exes and his new bf and watch them argue for about 30 mins... can you say awkward and annoying? Evidence enough that being alone is okay when the other options are irritating.

Sunday: and God said rest - and Oh, I did. Though, now my sleep schedule is entirely out of whack. The silver lining however is that I have made it to the end of the semester and hopefully can hit the beach, get some time with Twin and Peach, and finally be through - Make some scratch, pick a plane to catch, and squeeze some Aide and Eesh in too.

III: Oh the places you'll go: when you think or are thought of....

So, thought has escaped me a lot lately... Just smoke in the air fleeting and beautiful but impossible to capture for any length of time. My friend, L'Bergique, writes for a Baltimore gay website and has some good things to say. A lot of them are directly or indirectly to me. He has always had a thing for me.... but anyway, in this weeks post, I found myself in his words where he said that we should appreciate and establish beauty in new ways - valuing the internal instead of the external. Though looks fade, if the interior doesn't come in a nice package, I have a hard time wanting to investigate it. - - This is something that I struggle with from both vantage points, I always feel like the perma-friend, the guy that's nice inside and says funny shit that makes people laugh and feel at ease, but I lack something on my exterior that makes people want to investigate and yet, I am just as shallow. This is something I want to dig into and think about some more. But for now, my bed is calling. Hopefully dreams won't be quite as incestuous tonight. - fingers crossed anyway.


Love to you all,
AA

News, New Shews, plus Don'ts and Dews

Sorry for my cyber-estrangement for the past... oh two months, but hopefully we can just pick up where we left off:

I am still in love with my Cowboy Boots and wear them as often as possible. The Opera ended, with a pretty decently successful run. I applied for my passport and have everything in place to go to France in July minus my plane ticket. - - - I am thinking of maybe coming to hang in the New York area post Paris instead of part of the pre-flight happenings. So... that would mean being in New York in early August. The reason for this change of plans opens the 'news' can of worms.

The crux of the situation is that my voice teacher and I have been making a lot of progress over the past few weeks (after the Opera ended) and he really wants me to stay. The program for Spain hasn't materialized yet, meaning I have no other concrete plans for the fall semester... so, he and I talked about possible options and decided to postpone the recital until December. Which, in turn, means no graduation until, at the earliest, December. I'm not totally in love with this idea, but I know that it's what's best for me right now. There have been a lot of opening and closing doors recently that have placed me pretty squarely in Tallahassee for next year - I think it's good for many reasons: I will still be close to all the ladies I love (Minus Aid, whom we all miss very much :( ), I can stay in my rad apartment, I can do all the "senior/college" activities that I have not yet been able to do, and I can study with my amazing teacher. Silver lining = found.

In other news/dews I have been pursued by several men lately... I guess the spring has sprung a few more things than tree pollen and flowers - which, lest we forget, are also for reproductive purposes, and when you arrive at your yellow car, remember to thank the random trees for trying to impregnate us all. - so, yes the boys have an itch to scratch. I'm not really finding anyone, however, that I really like spending time with. I enjoy making out, etc, but there's no substance. Perhaps a spring fling is in order to shake the dust of my drawers - it has been a while since I had quality or quantity in the downstairs department.

I have run into Gem a few times, he always promises to call and forgets to follow through. I realize that I should not try to compete with his thoughts, which... take up so much room in his head that I have no chance of making the list of things to think about in a day. I have gotten to a place where I do miss him, but I don't hurt anymore. I called him for the first time in months the other day when a friend and I were headed to lunch at the restaurant he now works for. He was there, it wasn't awkward - it just felt sadly empty. I don't know what he's up to and it simultaneously is and isn't my fault. To that end, I am allowing myself the option to call him, now that I feel fortified and restructured. I still think he's a great person and there is a possibility of a friendship there.

So. I love you all, take care of your beautiful selves and continue to grow into the person you want to be. This year, in retrospect, is encompassed by that phrase. I feel like I have become something and someone different, yet the same; a version of myself that is stronger, wiser and, hopefully, better equipped to function in this crazy little life I lead.

-AA