late-night lamentations = lame!

I can't think. I really just want to cuddle up in someone's arms right now and sleep until I feel fresh when I wake up. I have that stupid knee-jerk reaction though - PhotoOp is in my head because I let him in my pants. - I do the thing that all people like me do, and I turn to the last person that made me feel special, wanted, safe, or... just was available and I reach out to them hoping that they'll respond with... something. I don't even know if I pine for him, or this ideal that he represents... and the fact that he is so aloof and seems to forget about writing back to me all the time is a little more than difficult for me.

I need to breathe, but I feel suffocated by my clingy, honest, sappy-romantic nature.

I do not have any feelings of self-loathing, just a feeling of exasperation for the lack of options in my personal life and the excess of options in my professional life. I feel like there is a dry expansive emptiness in my future - or to be graphic - I can buy into the bullshit and be a cum-rag for some guy for as long as he wants me to be around. Obviously, I am over both of those options - and yet, I also could settle - I could settle for some guy that, in one way or another, does not meet my needs and makes me feel just as empty and fake as the guy who wants me only for sex.

Frustration is passing, I know, and I have a great life with great people as my friends and I would never trade that for anything. - I seem to be unable to play the game that is necessary to make anything stick with any guy that I find physically attractive, and though I may be intellectually stimulated by someone, if they aren't physically attractive to me... then what am I supposed to do, fake it til I make it - think again friend.

Truly, I'm okay, I just - need more time to flesh out these ideas, I need to be more comfortable with the current ambiguity of my life - realizing that resolution will come when things fall into place, and I need to focus on today - i.e. the paper that I should have already written that is sitting incomplete in Microsoft word less than 10% done.

Closing thoughts for the early morning exorcism: Do not let your demons, literal or figurative, drive you to drink, drung or general distraction. Life is here and now, so live while you can. Take a deep breath, assess where you are and what you are doing at face value; if the current plan of attack isn't causing you to feel any better about what is happening in your life change your "strategery."

Sorry for the early morning crazy - I wish sometimes that I was translatable to other people, thought I feel like I try to be as transparent and honest as possible, I seem to meet more people who prefer dishonesty or general unavailabity to my relationship style. Even though I am a man, I do not often communicate like one. I'm shooting at the wrong targets. I know one day that there will be someone that I can have a reciorocal relationship with - and though I can be fairly comfortable with ambiguity, in this case, I really wish I knew when.

I love you all, and I hope that life isn't presenting you with such leach-like questions in your life. It seems, like I say all the time, that this year is a year of change. I am carbon being forced into a diamond - let's be real, sometimes it really sucks - but I'm making it, inch by inch, day by day. I've made the effort, and come miles this year, inching along and being proud of myself for the progress I've made. I hope that life is easy for each of you, and that you learn lessons the first time. Realize that you have someone to stand with you in the tough times, and someone to smile with when the season changes.

Love, love, LOVE to you all,
AA

A mans mantra,

I am not encircled by your imagination, or subject to your will.
I do not fit neatly in boxes you expect me to flawlessly fill.
I am perfect in my irregularities, my conscience and kind of my self and my domain.
What I do is exist beyond your horizons, beyond the bounds of your feeble brain.
I can give more than you could ever ask for, and make you forget the word take.
I am charming, expansive and strong and can excite more than one man's snake.
I exist beyond your borders outside your natural realm,
I make you wish for me, and want me at the helm.
I confound your senses and make you feel a certain tug in your pants,
you'll find beauty, grace, power, and taste in the rhythm of my dance.
I am a transient temptation that, for you, fades in the slightest breeze
but for someone someday I will fit each and every need.
It truly is your loss, dear, that you think too small
- but then again, perhaps my win, that I am free to call -
to call on men that see me for what I am; a lover alive with passion, patience and poise.
Here and there and everywhere to satisfy, and be satisfied not by Mr. Here and Now but the pick of the litter, the man who is kind, caring, masculine, beautiful and best of all employed.

-----

Just a little something I wrote for myself just now. I know it's goofy and suggestive, but lately I've felt invisible to some people that I find or found attractive - and today, I am going to say, it's not me. If you exist beyond the focus of someone's finite world, that doesn't make you any less beautiful, relevant and worthwhile. I am beautiful and I will be suitable for someone, someday. I rush myself so often into trying to figure things out, when it's okay to exist alone - to realize that you are the way you should be, here, now, today - a being in transition, yes; seeking to be better daily - but also, just beautifully human. I exist outside of the scope of what many men can see, perhaps I always will, but someday there will be someone who sees me for what I am, and expects me to be nothing more or less - and who finds me beautiful in the here and now. I can wait.

I hope you realize you are beautiful too, that you are my beautiful friends and I see you for who and what you are and I love and appreciate you for it. Don't fall for people who don't see what I see.

Love to you all,
AA.

mixed messages

It would seem that the world is full of mixed messages. Lately, I have been giving and receiving them - contributing to the white noise of the relationship world and become deaf because of the transmissions of others.

Since PhotoOp came home with me, I have reentered the needy - want to be with someone - don't want to be alone part of my relationship cycle. In reality, I know nothing about him other than he is beautiful and I find him attractive more so than I do most other people I've met in my life. Not to minimize that fact, but relationships built upon admiration of external beauty are doomed to fail because facades change, the weather and gray and crack in the sun, PhotoOp represents something I want. He is the emblem of an idea - the idea of a long term relationship, stability, and the ideal that we all seek in some way - someone to share our lives with.

I've been told by Momma that he's not much of a relationship guy, which is fine, but it makes him not really suitable for what I want - the messages between us have sort of decreased in frequency as of late, proving her point. The last one that I wrote him about 24hours ago will probably be the hardest to swallow; I think he'll probably take it to mean that I want him to be my boyfriend - which... hell, I wouldn't mind, but it was more just a putting of things out there:

It sounds like an excellent place to be. Stable and allowing you to have an artistic outlet.

As for John, he is not just a designer, but also a television host - though that seems like it would be a lot of fun I don't aspire to be nationally visible in that regard. If the opportunity arose, I wouldn't pass it up, but I realize that working in any business where - to at least some extent - you must cater to an audience, that you have to go 'where the money is.' That's one reason why opera is a little unattractive. I mean, I guess I could live out of a suitcase with relatively small attachment to any one place, but it isn't my ideal.

I want to have a home, a husband, and hopefully a kid - It's hard to be a jetset musician and have any sort of relationship or family with any sort of cohesion. I have discovered recently, more than ever, that I am built to be somebody's someone - also, I see so many of my teachers living alone in their old age because they put career before family, and I don't want to be alone when I'm 65 with nothing but cats to come home to. Anyway, I just want to have a "home base" where I spend most of my time, where my friends and my life are. I love to travel but I don't want to have to be gone 80% of the year to be able to pay rent or the mortgage on a property I never see and to never have the chance to build a relationship that will last. I would love to get a contract with an opera house, but those are hard to land and don't often last for more than a few years - or for multiple operas of a season.

I'd like to do something with design/Language/Vocal pedagogy (something...?) during the day as a means to have a dependable means of earning money and stabilizing myself geographically and then find means of expressing myself artistically in community settings - If opera doesn't work out...

Aaaaaanyway, It's a feature of my life I have been thinking about quite a bit and thus have plenty of possible material to write about it. I just want a long-term someone someday. I know I'll arrive at that stage in life when I am meant to, but I have this weird feeling that I might just as easily end up alone.

I hope that you can comfortable and successfully transition into more art sales of your own and not management of a gallery. Leslie said that your art had developed into something with a political voice, and if you are able to use your work to focus eyes on what you believe needs to be fixed, more power to you. Opera, well, from where I stand anyway, doesn't have the same flexibility. If I was a director or a designer, then yes, but as a vocalist I am not in charge of the direction of the art, I simply bring the life to it.

Sorry, this all seems very Debbie Downer. I've been feeling funky lately and have tried to blog away the blues but I can't seem to shake them. Guess it's just where I am supposed to be right now.

Wishing you the best sir; hope you are smiling.
- - - (AA)

I don't really care what he thinks, at this point, I just needed to put those words out there and say what I felt. I feel like that's a good step toward being able to unapologetically and unashamedly say what it is that I need and want for myself and my life. (I've always been an "apologizer")

Right now, the reality is that I am in transition, with no secure idea of where I'll end up or what I'll be doing a year from now. I have a lot of options to consider, and though I know I shouldn't wait to be "perfect" before I let someone in - I think that I need to not be so gung-ho about jumping into relationships with people who show a glimmer of possibility. I am a romantic man, I am made to love someone and I guess somewhere in me a clock ticks counting down the minutes of my life. I have simultaneously a feeling of urgency with a splash of no options (in partners) and this feeling that the world is different now and I don't need to be in such a hurry -i.e. the American way.

I must learn that boyfriends, like sexuality, are not like the cereal aisle at Walmart. I can't just go out and pick the one I want based on some published list of facts. ha, a high fiber low sugar boyfriend.... anyway, I realize now more than ever that I am young and the world is open to me. I don't have to do everything the way the rest of the world does and there is no one whose expectations and desires for my life that I need to value more than my own.

Growing daily and trying to make each day better for myself and the rest of the world - love to you all,
AA