My insides are all edges.

There was this mental picture that I had once of a singer whose voice did not shatter a glass but was, however, gifted with the voice that itself was shattering glass. Shards of glass proceeded out of a perfectly lipsticked red mouth that sat above a neck gently tanned and framed at its edge by a fat bright white Feather boa. The sound that accompanied this rather terrible scene was equally awful, like the screaming scrape of thousands of cars clashing - - - From that image arose the idea that her voice was all edges, and that meaning that everything about the noise that came from her throat was uncomfortable, unsettling, that it made you physically unable to sit still.

My insides are all edges today.

I feel crystalline and frustratingly fragile - which only exacerbates the ailment. Ill of my pieces are shattered fragments of ideas and aspirations and they are too jagged to pick up and put back together at the moment. Kind of like when the "bad" Terminator gets frozen and busted into pieces... but also like him, I will thaw, and meld back together having learned a little something about myself.

Where is this coming from, I am sure you are wondering. Well, as always, I am clowning around on the internet and I met someone. A nice someone who I thought could be someone fun to spend some time with and maybe something nice would come from it. - - Well, that wasn't quite what happened. We talked and we established that we just wanted to hang out, I said that we should grab lunch, he balked at the idea and said he'd prefer that I just came over because he was nervous about the idea of a date. (Hello, Red flag) Anyway, I went to his house to hang out, it was LATE we made out, things led down that physical road they always do, and we fooled around. That was Monday night, fast forward to today >> we haven't really talked all that much since we hung out and I really wanted to see how he was, etc. So I texted him... the crux of the conversation was that in hindsight having me over was a bad idea, he wasn't/isn't ready for a relationship and that he is innocent and would like to "stay that way" - - Those final words broke me into a thousand pieces. I felt like a dirty, disgusting whore who had forced myself upon this person who hadn't wanted everything that happened to occur (When I said I would come over, he said that the most he wanted was to kiss). In hindsight, looking at both the conversation and the actions that took place, I realize that he is ... maybe ashamed or... something and this in no real way is a reflection upon me. However, it reminded me that I am not a person that "does casual sex well." (Related side note: please watch the 'Sexy' episode of Glee and pay special attention to what Kurt's dad says to him about sex, I'll include a transcript at the end of the post but it's better if you watch it.) - - (And Jewels told me I'd need to find someone to have sex with if I was going to give up masturbation, lol... though she didn't say it had to be casual sex, maybe I should just deal with the desires and let myself get to know someone before jumping into bed. The point of Lent is to Learn... this will teach me that my will to abstain is greater than my fleshly desire.)

I am a person of attachment, and I have ignored that about myself for a little while now. To have detached casual sex with someone, I have to have very little feeling for them - and very little regard for how it effects them, or what they feel about me. I have been used before as a "means to an end" when I thought it was more than that and then imploded silently when the house of cards I had built tumbled down. - - I don't want to be the person that does that to other people, that gives them false hope in a relationship that will never be, and I don't want to pin myself to the will of someone else anymore either. All that being said, I've decided to be more thoughtful about what sex does to me... some people can do the detached thing, I can't, and I like that about myself. I am built to be emotional and invest in people, I am embracing that fact and loving it despite the challenges it causes me to face.

Other thoughts that have struck me since I last posted:

I was going to rehearsal and I saw a girl with blue hair in ill fitting clothing applying bright orange/red lipstick and I thought "why would you elect to present yourself that way, don't you at least want to try to look human?" - - From that seed arose the idea that maybe consciously or subconsciously she and other people like her do not want to be human, because of pain, difference, inability to fit in, desire to be as outwardly different as you are inwardly different. At any rate, it made me think of my future Children and all the things that I want to tell them... "Dearest unborn children, know that you never have to create a facade to get through life, no matter what the reason, there is nothing wrong with you just as you are and you need no shield to deflect the judgment of other people, to attract attention to yourself, or bolster you when you need courage because you are beautiful just as you are - never let anyone or anything tell you differently. If you want something, earn it. If you feel something, communicate it. If you want to be different out of your own inspiration, be what you wish to be - but don't shroud yourself in odd armor because it's what others have done before you to cover a lack of comfort with themselves. Find the truest you, embrace yourself for your assets and your faults, and never hide it."

Today as I was on the elliptical (at 7 am - yes, I have to pat myself on the back - - kudos to me for walking 4 miles this morning!!)there was a news story on fox and friends... I don't normally watch the new in general, much less Fox, but here is what they had to say:
There is no looting in Japan right now, even after such a terrible disaster, because within Japanese culture there is a sense of community that supersedes the desire to take care of only their personal needs and desires. In Haiti, and less recently in New Orleans, people looted because of a lack of community and a need or desire to create excess for themselves. - - I ask that you try to create a sense of community with your neighbors and within your city. Reach out. It isn't only in crisis that we are "all in this together," the entirety of our lives is spent in proximity to other people, reach out to them.



--
All the ground has to get tilled up for new things to grow, so I guess this is just me getting tilled.... All in all, I think everything will turn out okay, or at least Momma thinks so! Love to you all

AA
____________________________________________________________________


Dad: For most guys sex is just, you know....
this thing we always want to do.
You know, it's fun. It feels great.
But we're not really thinking too much about, you know,
how it makes us feel on the inside, you know, how the other person feels about it....

Kurt: Women are different?

Dad: Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical.
You know when you're intimate with somebody in that way, you're exposing yourself.
You know, you're never going to be more vulnerable
and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys...
Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who got in way too deep with a girl
who said she was cool with hooking up....

Kurt: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.

Dad: No, it's going to be worse.
Okay? Because it's two guys.
With two guys you've got two people who think sex is just sex.
It's going to be easier to come by... and once you start doing this stuff you're not going to
want to stop.
You just.... you gotta know that it means something.
You know, it's doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though
it feels like you are just having fun.

Kurt: So, you're saying I shouldn't have sex?

Dad: I think on your 30th birthday it's a great gift to give yourself....
Kurt, when you're ready I want you to be able to do... everything.
But when you're ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person.
Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter.... 'cause you matter, Kurt.

Blogging before bed.

I think that I will try to blog before bed each night... which may not last too long, because I have a feeling it might end up with me not making too much sense or falling asleep at the keyboard - but I enjoy putting things out there, clearing out the mental space.

Today, Momma and I had lunch and I asked a question that led to a conversation that was revealing for the both of us. I asked her about her dad, she's never really told me all that much about her family - but I felt bad that I know her so well and don't know anything about her father. The conversation drifted toward family and she mentioned her mom and I inquired about her dad. The conversation meandered along to through different things - my distance from my parents, feeling like friends could be better, lack of communication in American homes and Relationships in and outside the family, feeling like our parents don't really know us - mostly mine don't know me....

The crux of all of it really came to what I feel is the breakdown of communication between the people of America and something close to an indifference for others. I wonder if this thing that I am idealizing has ever even existed... Children have always been somewhat afraid to tell their parents the whole truth (unless you have the awesome luck to have "Those" parents you can tell anything and they just help you get through all the mess....) Regardless of its existence or lack there of, this trend has trickled on down to us. Our parents and grandparents and their inability to show their feelings and communicate them somehow lead to my family and others... granted, everyone isn't as hands off as my father, but I feel like men were encouraged to suppress their feelings - conform to the masculine social norm... I just wonder where this road will end.


(Tangent: )
Who the hell knows what it actually looks like to be a man, anyway? Society, for the most part, gets everything wrong - there is no behavioral prescription for Men or Women, there may be tendencies that are encouraged... (I sound like a tree-huggin, granola eatin' hippy... so what) There is more to life than putting people in a box to make yourself more comfortable. - - - I will never forget this group of bitter 35+ year old women sitting behind me at a restaurant having this conversation about this man that one of them was "interested in" - - she was tearing him apart in front of her friends saying that because he liked to bake he must be gay. I wanted to say "No ma'am, but what he will be doing is making some other woman happy for the rest of her life instead of someone as small minded and unappreciative of a good man as you." Ladies, let's be real here, it's it's the 21st century and categorizing people by the things they enjoy doing is a little bit closed minded - - If he was a cross-dresser, even then the gay issue might not be so clear please note Maryln Manson. (Not that I'd take him home to my mother... ) Everyone has things they like to do, and if it doesn't hurt you, them or anyone else in the process have a cultured enough prospective to give it a chance before you tear them down and perpetuate this box of acceptable activities for one sex or the other. Did she feel threatened or something? Didn't want to give up the apron and dish washing gloves? Whatever - - - All that being said, I think that men, just as much as women, have the freedom to explore any previously gender specific activity they want to and they shouldn't be judged for it. Additionally, I encourage you to communicate the best that you can with everyone you come across - even if it require iteration after iteration. Get your point across.

That being said - - Also see that everything that you do touches someone else. For better or for worse, how you live your life directly or indirectly effects thousands of people. Live like they matter...


-----------
That all came out not quite like I had thought it might, which seems to be a problem for me lately. My ideas seem to intermingle and somehow run over each other in a stampede to get out of my fingers, which says to me I should write more so this doesn't happen so much - - and maybe I shouldn't be on a networking site whilst attempting to say anything of true depth. At any rate, I love each one of you, so very VERY much. I started rehearsals for a show... it should go up in May, I'll keep you posted on the details - - if this first rehearsal is any indication of what may come, there WILL be stories to tell. I already have one that I can't wait for you to read.

Love to you all,
AA

Work and a Jerk.

So - I've been feeling seven kinds of prickly since Friday night. L'Bergique is being kind of a child, which is to be expected and not entirely annoying - he's just passive aggressive which is a little irritating. Most of my pricklyness stems from a certain dude that is in law school here - who is a bit of a duchebag - but long story short, I expected more of him than he could deliver and I got disappointed. So said dude, who I am not giving a name because I just don't want to, has dodged me right and left while promising to hang out with me and finally last night I got the balls to tell him about it. The conversation ended in silence on his end, it was via text... of course, but anyway - I won. I said what I needed to say and I don't have anything to apologize for, and I feel like I've got the power, damnit! (You would think this a good time for " I got the power" by Snap, but surprisingly the lyrics don't quite say what I would like for them to, sooo there you go! <---- this was what I came up with to musically encompass my thoughts)


I'm not up for anymore daily doses of bullshit, you know?


Tidbits of life you should know about: 1) I am enjoying my job a lot, working with Momma everyday is fun - tough making it on time every morning, but I find the energy somewhere to pry myself out of bed and go. 2) I went to the gym almost every day last week, skipped Sunday and Wednesday. But, that's a victory in itself - I feel better about my body and I can't wait to see what I look like in a couple months. I really want to love myself when I am not covered up with clothes. Which sounds odd, but it's something I've always been uncomfortable with. 3) which kind of leads to the fact that lately from a couple different directions I've been encouraged to love myself for who I am, exactly what I am, where I am and not try to present some sort of front - a stylized version of myself that is designed for mass consumption. I don't particularly want to be consumed by masses.... (28 days later, yikes) so, I think I can get with the embracing what I am.*
4) I am still trying to devise a time to blog, to that end I am going to start using more of my time wisely and invest in myself more - doing things that help me, like cooking and blogging, etc.
5) I was challenged to think of what it is that home means, what is it that defines it? Parts of the rituals that take place there - like cooking - there is something organic about that that I think is essential to making a house a happy home.
6) I am supposed to take the GRE in about a week and I haven't really studied. I think this could be a not so great thing. If I say no between now and next Wednesday to anything, it is more than likely because I have to study for the GRE. Booo, dislike.
7) I have been thinking a lot about the words that come out of my mouth lately. Momma was saying the other day that she says "God Damnit" and would like to stop, which made me think... gosh I say that too... among other things. I would like to eliminate certain words like "lame" and "retarded" out of my slang vocab, they perpetuate the negative feeling around these words and I don't like that.
8) The past two weekends with friends have been AWESOME!! Last weekend with Momma, MacGee, and Peach and this weekend with Twin, Mr.N, Hillz, MinniVann, VampChamp and others. I have great friends and am so thankful for them!!
9) You can love to do something and be terrible at it... but just because you are terrible and you know it, doesn't mean you shouldn't do something that brings you joy. Also, don't confuse being good at something a substitute for loving it - just because you have a talent for something doesn't mean you have to do it, or should make yourself if you aren't enjoying what you are doing.
10) I've been trying to read my Bible daily, and there is something odd about it. It seems like I literally put things on top of it that use up the time that I could devote to reading it. For example, my laptop. For months, when I would go to bed, I would put my laptop on my Bible - then I realized this literal manifestation of the idea of the world getting in the way of God and I moved my Bible to the other side of the bed, it's been sitting open, waiting for me ever since. I've read it once in the past week and I skipped church this week... which I do not plan to repeat next weekend. Positive vibes appreciated.
11) I found a little dresser I liked this weekend at Good Finds Tallahassee.... I might go visit it this week and buy it. Eeek!
12) I think I found a house to live in next year! We will probably tour it this week if all goes well and then maybe we'll have a place to live - - YAY!


Love to you all, Hope you find Joy, Spunk, and Verve in your day - Embrace all of yourself, live within the person that you are, find the fullness of yourself and hug it! You might find corners of yourself that you love, some that you don't, but all of it is part of the wonderful person that is YOU - we strive to be better everyday, but that doesn't mean we have to loathe what we are to change. Love yourself, I do :)

AA

Noise and News

Wow, I haven't posted in FOREVER - or so it seems.

A few things to know might be:

I gave my recital, made a little noise, spent a lotta dough and now I'm done! I think that what I was most proud of was the reception, which was kind of beautiful - - oh, and the fact I didn't forget any of the words to my pieces.

I realize that arriving ahead of time is a lot more fun than arriving right on time.

I got new glasses. I can SEE and that's nice. They are tortoise shell full framed glasses and I like them a lot, they really do something nice for my face.

I got a new computer for Christmas. There are no words for how much I needed it.

I got a new job that at first I turned down, but now feel really good about. Maybe it's fate?

The winds of change are always a-blowin' here in Anonymousville; I've been going to the gym very frequently and cooking for myself a lot - slipped a little this week because of the new job and helping my friend Jewels with her show that goes out to the public schools next week.

Spring, once again is starting early with the boys of Tally. I've gotten a lot of attention lately, but unlike the past I have stayed a bit more detached and aloof. I haven't had "sex sex" since December and I am looking to keep up the "good work."

I went to a friend's wedding on New Year's Day and ran into all sorts of people, including Prince. In this context, I felt very much like a new person in old skin, inhibited by my situation and unable to be fully who I am now because of what they remember of me then. I don't know how many times I was left to my own devices and how many times I was abandoned in mid conversation for something or someone else more interesting. Most of all it made me sad for them, sad for the people I once tried so hard to excite, entertain, love... I will never be enough for them, even as momentary company. It made me sad for them because they will never have what I have with Twin, L'Bergique, Jewels, Peach, Momma (and her boys) - - and the fact, to be a bit self aggrandizing for a moment, that they will never get the chance to know the real me because they are too caught up in their own foolishness to notice anything other than themselves. I saw the same tricks being pulled that I saw four years ago, but thanks to a bit of acquired wisdom, I chose not to play the game. Oh, and to toot my horn a little more, I looked pretty fucking delicious - eat your heart out folks. - - - Remind me to tell you about the letter Prince sent me "for my birthday," I need some help devising a response.

Advice and commentary from L'Bergique is always something my brain munches on like cow's cud. It revolves through my head on a daily basis and is really responsible for a lot of my internal monologue as of late. Things to think about that I'll pass on:
1) Cooking is the sincerest form of taking care of someone, including yourself. It can be a cathartic experience and it is a ritual that has lasted for thousands of years - the action of people providing for the most basic of needs for themselves and others. Investing the time to cook for yourself and thinking about how you are actually taking care of yourself by doing so is an interesting thought to gnaw on - one that I have really enjoyed and am trying to put into practice. Please pass on all your favorite recipes.
2) Friends are like parts of a tree. a) some are leaves, they provide you with nourishment, inspire movement, change, etc but are the least dependable part of your network of friends. When the weather turns cold they depart, and we must let them. We cannot hold onto them beyond their time, or we will not be able to grow new relationships, emotionally killing ourselves to maintain something that shouldn't be. (Trees with brown leaves in the Spring are dead). b) Some people in your life are like branches, more permanent than leaves, but still flimsy under the right circumstances, people that are more sturdily placed within your life but still have the potential to depart. c) some people are like roots, they ground you, replenish you, provide for you and reach deep creating a substantial network on which you can always rely. These pieces work also in a ratio leaves being the most abundant and roots being the least. - - I've expanded this to more than just friends in my life, but to most things. When something has lots its utility allow it to go be useful to someone else.
3) This is something I came up with on my own, but I feel like it's too similar to put in another section. I was going through the drive through at Wendy's and I paid with my debit card. For some reason this spurred a thought: By paying little money for low quality quick food now, I will have to pay in other ways when I am older, namely with my health. So this adage arose: Life is like a credit card, what ever you charge you must pay off at some point, sometimes with interest. The six minutes it took for them to sell and serve to me this death burger will turn into hours in a doctors office being tested for heart problems, hundreds of dollars in fees and medicine, and a life of discomfort from being overweight. This idea has morphed into many parallel thoughts but the crux is, only "buy" what you can pay for and investing in yourself, through whatever means possible will have great returns where lack of investment creates innumerable deficit.

Also, all of the music I have been listening to has really been speaking to me. It feels a little weird but good. I hope you are all taking the time you need for yourself, it's SO worth it.

Love to you all
AA

Helpful Hurt

Sometimes things you find out are helpful and hurtful simultaneously.

I just got off the phone with Beau.

I texted and called a few days ago, with no response. A little pang, but I was okay. I called him tonight and he didn't answer, I wasn't surprised.... until twenty minutes later he called back. I almost didn't answer, but I did, and the proceeding conversation felt very hollow. Empty of what I wanted. Along the way he told me he's been seeing someone, which I guess I already knew. Hearing it was a little hard - I want to say Thank God I didn't tell him how I'd been feeling, that I think about holding his hand sometimes and I really have never felt as comfortable or important in someone else's arms, but at the same time I really would like to tell him that. I've never been good at keeping my feelings to myself and often that alienates people.... just as much or more than bottling them up inside myself.

I wondered after we hung up why I am alone - it's partially because I need to be, partially because I want what I can't have, and partially because I spend too much of my time and energy on people that will never reciprocate what I give. All that being fun to think about, I wondered if I would continually be alone because I was dedicating my life to people who were happy without me in 'that' capacity.

Dinner alone then going out for a friend's birthday, then a movie. Sometimes thinkin's tough on a tender heart, but I also believe that this is a helpful reality and is yet another piece of myself I have discovered. Firstly, I need to stop thinking about dudes and get what's on my plate taken care of. Secondly, I need to buck up and realize that it's not all that bad being alone, and that friends help heal the little hurts you have. Finally, If you want something worthwhile you have to work for it, and any goal, with hard work can be achieved.

Sooo, I've just had the wind knocked out of me, but I think I'll be okay. Gonna go walk it off and see what shenanigans I can get into tonight!

Love to you all
-AA

Homo for hire.

Something about that title sounds a little suspect... maybe a little slutty, but it is true dear reader, I am looking for a J.O.B. - and not of the gigolo variety, and I don't need to be anyone else's sassy gay friend. I am giving all my sass at work or in other appropriate situations.

The one that I really wanted fell through like whoa. Looking back on my life I feel like it, like many other things I wanted, I talked about far too much. That seems to happen to me, the more I talk about something that I really want the less possible it becomes. Is it just me? I have purposefully refrained from posting since last Wednesday when I realized that they wouldn't be calling me for a second interview because I was pretty depressed about it - which revealed something else about myself that I often do. I make plans on top of plans: meaning that I didn't have the job yet, but I was imagining what I would do if I had it.... counting my chickens before they hatched, if you will... I even looked at property in Tallahassee and found a house that I kind of love. I took a few pictures of the inside that I may post... we'll see. But, anyway, thanks to a couple people here at the office and L'Bergique ....and my Momma, I shook of the funk realizing that if I had gotten the job it might have cemented me in Tallahassee for who knows how long and though I am still interested in Higher Ed. Admin. I think that in the past few weeks I have made some more breakthroughs with the Voce and a career of singing or teaching singers seems more real than ever. Also, though this feeling may fade, I was not afraid of all of the possibilities that were put back onto the table when this job idea feel through. (I'm sort of thinking of going to Massage therapy or Bartending school, having a job that can be mobile and allows me to make money wherever I am or decide I'd like to be. i.e. NOT in Tally.)

Though I am still worried about my recital, I feel free. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything and it isn't scary. I have a blow-up mattress and a reliable ride, being a gypsy for a little while might be fun... maybe. (We'll see about that last part, I'm a nester and eventually would want a nest in which I could roost long term.) The feeling of exciting freedom is one that I haven't had in a while. I've been a little down trodden lately, negative and kind of... just over everything - living the zombie life, phoning it in, whatever you want to say. The numbness and the cloudy, asleep, depressed, managed and op/ suppressed feeling is gone. I have been consistently happy all week, well, minus yesterday morning - but everyone has funks, right?

I am going to focus my energy and effort on my recital and let that be my reward to myself. A great final note to end on with flare, panache, and artistry. I also FINALLY sent Beau his birthday gift and got it out of my house and off my mind. FedEx delivered it yesterday and he hasn't called or texted, which basically says to me: "you're set free" - - though I had one of the fastest and most intimate beautiful spark of a relationship with hi, I think that he just can't handle me - whether it be for geographical reasons, or... whatever - but I've decided to stop seeking him. (He is the only man I have ever held hands with in public... needless to say I think of that moment very fondly. tangent.) He will come to me if he wants to, and as of now, he is unable or doesn't want to make the time to acknowledge me. So... if someone doesn't have the time for you, why spend your time mentally reaming yourself over them!?( Maybe he's just not that into you...)

In other news, L'Bergique and I have gotten closer over the past few weeks and I feel like I can trust him - last night we had a weird conversation where he alluded to being more than friends.... and I'm not into him that way.... sooo anyway. Tangent.

Lessons of the day/week: A) Embrace freedom, though the possibilities are endless do not let them overwhelm you. B) Love yourself and find yourself beautiful regardless of the input (or lack there of) of others. C) and, of course, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch"

I am riding the high or happiness and I hope that happiness is inhabiting your life also! Looking forward to Lunch with Twin and Dinner with Jewels tomorrow. Concert of a friend tonight, and much music to work on!!!! C'est ma vie, et je l'aime.

Best, and Love to you all!!!
AA

(A little happy for Mon amie La Pêche)

What News?

This week has been all awash with good things - with a few bleh things mixed in... to make the less good things feel better - the picture would be nothing without contrast, yeah?

So- let us review:

Came back to Tally Sunday night saw a friend's recital which was nice,

Monday was fairly unimpressive, though I had a better therapy session where I seem to have conveyed my message more accurately to my voice therapist. My rehearsal with my accompanist was a little iffy at best and I finished out the night by seeing the Social Network - which was interesting

Side note: I am not, nor have I ever been or hope to be, invested in facebook as a feature of my life nor do I view it as an extension of myself - it is a website that helps me keep in contact with people and play games when I have nothing else I want to do. I believe that this is the healthy way to view said website as it is only six years old and should not have the ability to debilitate a person or persons from normal function.

Tuesday: My lesson was bobo, work was alright, I got a letter with enclosed cd from Prince... odd we'll discuss the letter once I know what the hell it says... I don't remember his handwriting being this hard to read, and I got some new music in the mail direct from a composer in Texas!! Continuing the musical theme, I saw a concert in the newly remodeled Ruby Diamond Concert Hall - which was quite nice. Finally to finish the evening I went to someone's house to "sleep" - - I knew it was a booty call before I even opened the message, but I wanted my movies back, he wanted to see me - - win win? yes.

Wednesday: Therapy again was not a pain, I worked the International Programs fair, got to rub elbows with some important people while sharing my passion for studying abroad to about 15 or 20 students, saw a lot of purple people, got booed or mooed at for some reason (possibly because I was wearing purple), Went to Spanish Club and didn't totally forget everything I learned over the years (first time I've spoken Spanish since last spring) Had dinner with VampChamp - we had a fantastic conversation and just an all around good time. Post dinner I went to a Pride Student Union event at Aladdin's - - - and then had company, which didn't end in anything substantial but I didn't mind.

Thursday: My voice was tired from all the talking on Wednesday but I made it through work with a very special visit from ChromeDiva my recently retired boss. I had my first appointment with a personal trainer (I'm going to look hot by Peach's wedding... maybe - it's a goal at least), Saw three amazing houses that I will not be able to afford but that are close enough to being budget-able that I can taste them, and capped the day off with a little bit of speaking french and rehearsing with my accompanist. Voice = Done.

Friday: Canceled my lesson, ate lunch with a hottie older friend of mine - - who paid for lunch (whaaat does that mean?) I called the local music store that was supposed to call me back on Monday about some music that I ordered - a good friend that works there helped me and we discovered my music arrived TODAY!! went and picked it up - perused a shop or two in Market square. Came home and sat around a little and shot the breeze with L'Bergique - - After a sufficient respite from the world I went to the Greek Food Fest with the womb mates and had AMAZING food. After running into Eesh and most of the seniors in my program and feeling a little forgettable and blah I ran into one of my awesome friends who we'll call Jewels, made plans to hang at Mockingbird which was followed by Fin's and wrapped up the night pretty well.


All week I've made an effort to be around people that make me feel good about myself and what I am doing (though I did miss my Momma, Mix and MacGee time this week, as well as the absence of Twin but we'll be seeing each other this weekend). It really has been helpful and uplifting, and I even left out some of the best news, I got an INTERVIEW!!!! So, send me good vibes and prayers - I'll take whatever positive energy you've got to spare. Send it my way pleeeeease

Love to you all
AA

Patched pieces.

My Nana told me once that if I could see enough blue sky to make Dutchman's breeches then the storm would soon end.
Today I am mentally patching together pieces of figurative blue sky to see if this emotional storm will end (for some reason I want a fruit rollup...? - I guess it's feeling like a child that feels like he has no actual control over his world at the moment). However no amount of thumb sucking, or hiding behind my mothers knees will make this any better. The truth is, big world out there, I'm scared. I feel the necessity to be totally honest in this post that I have had stuck in my head like one of those all too terrible lumps in your throat - news that you don't want to tell but words that have to be aired out and unfolded - too big to stay inside anymore.

I have come to a point in my life were, for the first time, I am afraid and at a bit of a crippling loss for ideas of how to remedy this - however, there is a plan. I feel like there isn't a place where I belong anymore, like I've outgrown my job, school, degree even some friends and I keep trying to squeeze into them like clothes too tight for this more mature me. - - Over the summer I listened to a piece on NPR about how people in America feel great attachment to and put great importance in the position they hold. I've reached the ceiling of what I can do in the College of Music in this degree and in my job, I feel obsolete and irrelevant. With some friends I feel like I've become a goto in times of trouble, but I'm tired of being Mother Mary... alright!? I need reciprocity and yes that was a beetles/chicago reference.

I had an excellent conversation with L'Bergique this past week where, for the first time this semester I felt like I was completely safe, that there was someone on the same page as I was, someone who had walked the road and bore the scars and was willing to spend time with me until I let it all go. I was honest with him - I told him I was scared, felt alone, and empty. He sat on the phone with me while I cried, more from relief than from sadness. It felt... good. Basically the main point of his argument was that I was pursuing people that were empty vessels - emotionally empty, or just unwilling to invest in me the same way I invest in them. (Not applicable to any of you) - - This is an idea that I have been dealing with for a while and I guess that it has become more of a problem in my relationships with potential guys I'd date. I have too many on my plate, and each one actually takes some investment of energy to maintain the connection between the two of us. I realize I still have a problem with saying no to people, I have a problem not giving people what they want, an appetite to appease people when they have no desire or intention of fulfilling any of my needs. Since his birthday Beau has been out of reach, I called twice and texted a few times last week and once again I feel like I am entangled with someone who is much more willing to forget than remember me - granted, I still haven't sent his birthday present and now it's almost a month late... funds were tight and FedEx isn't cheep. I really just don't understand the lack of etiquette from someone who has multiple sets of china and silver and who prides himself on being so 'top-notch' - - - I'm going to send his gift this week and get it out of my house, the constant reminder of someone that I don't really speak to and doesn't seem to care about me is a bit irritating. - - - I also realize that the options on the table, in most all features of my life are overwhelming but manageable and that I can seek my friends and family for help when I need it... however I must realize when I need help which is probably far more often than I seek it.

I am, and always have been, a person that goes to the doctor when he is sick - not for a checkup or preventive maintenance and because of that I end up being sick for longer periods of time when I become ill. I think that same feeling applies here... that I don't realize where I am until I get there emotionally. I am not emotionally budgeted, I give until there's nothing left and I starve myself and even then can't think of anyone to reach out to because my friends all have their "own problems" and I either don't want to bother them or I have become so isolated within my cocoon of mental instability that I don't venture out of it - I literally cannot think of people to call. - - - To that end, I realize that band-aids are much better than corrective surgery and checking in with people all the way along, people that can 'speak into' my life, is as important as eating, sleeping, and exercising.

As I was constructing this post I reread a lot of my internet output to realize that the majority of it is quite negative and complain-y, which is not "who I am" but this has become the place where I express that. My writing in general is where I release toxic things to fester elsewhere and maybe remove it from my consciousness. I also saw from rereading that there have been a few moments of clarity recorded that are as helpful now as they were then.

Through my talk with L'Bergique, reading my previous posts, remembering my own strength, and (through a moment of mental clarity) realizing that there are a select few people who I can go to when my own cup is getting empty I think there are patches of blue sky enough to make more than pants. I also think that going to therapy might be a viable option to help me not be so much of a roller-coaster; the ride isn't and never has been fun. I'm not crazy by any means, so please don't run go tell that, I think that therapy might provide an unbiased opinion and a place to talk about things the way they appear logically in my head - also, I have a lot of problems with competing points of view... I suppress the thoughts and feeling that I have that I believe are "inappropriate" (not sexually, lol) but I just think that something about that isn't totally healthy.

Anyway, I wandered a bit but I think that's really all I wanted to say on the subject... More growing pains to come, but at least I know it gets better and at least I am given the gift of today to live and learn just a little bit more.

Love to you all,
AA

Fragments of France

So, I thought I might tell the Cliff's notes version of my journey through France - maybe share a few things along the way about myself.

Firstly, I would like to say: Wow.

There has never been a place where I felt so effected, so at home, and so wished for a hand to hold and friends to share my adventures than Paris.

People compare cities of the world with one another, and I just haven't found Paris comparable to any other place I've been. It feels like an agglomeration of towns with no tall buildings and plenty of sky and green space. I saw, on the first day, why people fall in love with and move to Paris.

All of our outings were lovely, I had some of the best food I've ever tasted. My most favorite being either the lunch cruise down the Seine or the dinner at Bofinger. Both were elegant, delicious meals that I will never forget. Though breakfast every morning from the little patisserie outside our metro stop was fairly AMAZING... I got a tarte aux fraises every morning and it was HEAVEN.

And what story about France would be complete without a boy.... There was a guy on the trip I liked very much, but he was taken - though I ended up being his surrogate boyfriend for a month. Then I had a fling with a local french teacher, very cute guy. My greatest victory was finding the self confidence to talk to a stranger I found attractive. For the first time in my whole life, I went for it, and I flirted with a stranger... it didn't go especially well, but I did it and I am proud I did. (I also managed to wash away Gem and PhotoOp with the wine... très bien, non? -small victories)

Everything was as expensive as they tell you it is - but I did buy a few things to bring back, hopefully you'll get to see them :)

I definitely feel like I had my trial by fire, the first time traveling abroad, and alone. Getting delayed 4 hours on the way there, and having a horrible time getting back to the U.S. and spending the night at the airport. Everything that was negative melts away in comparison to the fantastically liberating and marvelous time I had while I was there.

If you ever have the chance to travel, take it. No matter where you go, if you are open minded, you will learn something.

Love to you all,
AA

Quitting the Chaos.

So, I feel like a cassette tape with all this ribbon of mind crinkled into some cloud above my head. I have so many thoughts that I've thunk intertwined together that I can't really sort them out right now. So, in light of that fact, I cut off the excess, throw it in my mind's back pocket to be sorted out when my brain doesn't seem like sloppily scrambled eggs.

The reason for the 'inquiet' is the lack of calm in my life right now. I had planned out my schedule for this semester far in advance and the plan fell apart when I returned from France and had a all-but-fulfilling conversation with my father.... Dad said that the 'rents would only be footin' the bill for the classes that I had to take - i.e. just one. Wrapping my brain around this idea has been a little less than easy, but I've finally gotten to a peaceful place where that's concerned. I've decided to throw all of my efforts into this one class and make it work the best I can while applying for a full-time job. (Momma, I'm sorry, I know you wanted me to work at your office and now.... turns out I could.... we can talk about the irony later.) I've found one that I really want, but the likelihood of getting it may be slim - that's kind of stressing me out, but I am trying my best to deal with the unknown and embrace it.

The real source of stress has been the job that I came back to at the University, it has become stressful and without any real reward - I worked 35 hours in the past 7 days, standing in an office, constantly working. My old boss retired, she was truly the best part of the whole job... and I asked my new boss for more hours or a raise, but instead of those things she hired someone who, though a nice person, is not in any way cut out for this job. I am the only one in my office of six people who consistently knows what they are doing 100% of the time. I continually am fixing the mistakes of my co-workers and I have to spend most of my time in my office hemmed in with my fake-but-oh-so-sticky-sweet-charming ex, which is infuriating (the one that cheated on me with our mutual friends and now pretends like I do not exist, who applied and got the job in my office the semester following our break-up knowing full-well I would still be working there but not even having the courtesy to think of me or my feelings at all. Can we all say ASS HOLE - there are very few people in my life that I can say that I do not like... but he shares the crown in that contest....).

In looking at the benefit/cost ratio I realize that I am paying the school rather than getting paid to work. And thus, being the slightly graceful human being that I am, I believe the time has come to leave the party with dignity rather than be forced to leave. The time for something new is upon me.

Instability has kind of been a theme for me lately - I have had a carousel of courtiers rotating through my life as of late. There is one that I think is worth going after, but he lives in south Florida.... 4-5 hours drive away.... and he "doesn't do" long-distance. So, in short, I've been a bit slutty - a hoe period, if you will - a different boy in my bed or on my couch every night. - - - I think that it's a means to distract myself, the conversation and company is nice, but something about it feels empty. I spent about 4 days with Beau down south, and every moment felt amazing, I can't get him out of my head - we gave little kisses but weren't physical and I was happy with that. I felt safe and comfortable - and something terribly hard to explain, but, I knew that he was more than just a body to sleep next to and keep me company. He is someone that interests me, engages me, challenges me - no one I've met is like him. These other boys can't compare - they are the empty, yet tasty, McDonald's french-fries to a four course fine meal. They lack the substance and the unique special qualities that this man has. He's not a dime a dozen dude - or dud might be more appropriate....

After all that, what I can say is that I'm scraping together all the elements that once where fairly well-knitted together - still growing, learning to be honest with others and myself - trying to keep the edges of my writing "round."

I guess the moral of the story is don't date anyone that could become your co-worker, live every day in honesty (with yourself and everything around you), and don't lose yourself when the world starts to shift around you.

Love to you all,
AA


(Name Game: the boy from SoFLA shall be called Beau because it is the French word for handsome, and that his is, and he speaks French..... and plays the piano.... and, of course, is fantastic human - in my eyes anyway)

Sight and Sound in the world of the blind, deaf, and dumb.

I've been thinking of all sorts of fragments - building a giant cache of patches to build a carefully crafted quilt of quotations.... this may not turn out to be anything amazing, this post of fragments, but it might give you a thought to think on for a while.

I found that in my recent silence from bogging that I found far too many things to talk about and I began to journal again. When I blog, my journaling/poetry writing suffers, and vice versa. But I found an even greater self-honesty than I did before - in that silent space, uncluttered with static and the refuse of a days thoughts. - I encourage you to spend time in silence of some sort, whether it is total silence or just leaving the telephone at home for a day - find the silence.

In that same vein, I found that opening ones eyes, truly looking at anything and being fully engaged in trying to understand it makes the world so much more delicious. Life isn't a movie, it will never be - nor should be, something that you watch. Open your eyes and see what is around you, marvel at its wonders.

aaaand all the other thoughts I think will have to wait, because I am SO very tired. I'll have more to say soon :)

Love to you all,
AA

late-night lamentations = lame!

I can't think. I really just want to cuddle up in someone's arms right now and sleep until I feel fresh when I wake up. I have that stupid knee-jerk reaction though - PhotoOp is in my head because I let him in my pants. - I do the thing that all people like me do, and I turn to the last person that made me feel special, wanted, safe, or... just was available and I reach out to them hoping that they'll respond with... something. I don't even know if I pine for him, or this ideal that he represents... and the fact that he is so aloof and seems to forget about writing back to me all the time is a little more than difficult for me.

I need to breathe, but I feel suffocated by my clingy, honest, sappy-romantic nature.

I do not have any feelings of self-loathing, just a feeling of exasperation for the lack of options in my personal life and the excess of options in my professional life. I feel like there is a dry expansive emptiness in my future - or to be graphic - I can buy into the bullshit and be a cum-rag for some guy for as long as he wants me to be around. Obviously, I am over both of those options - and yet, I also could settle - I could settle for some guy that, in one way or another, does not meet my needs and makes me feel just as empty and fake as the guy who wants me only for sex.

Frustration is passing, I know, and I have a great life with great people as my friends and I would never trade that for anything. - I seem to be unable to play the game that is necessary to make anything stick with any guy that I find physically attractive, and though I may be intellectually stimulated by someone, if they aren't physically attractive to me... then what am I supposed to do, fake it til I make it - think again friend.

Truly, I'm okay, I just - need more time to flesh out these ideas, I need to be more comfortable with the current ambiguity of my life - realizing that resolution will come when things fall into place, and I need to focus on today - i.e. the paper that I should have already written that is sitting incomplete in Microsoft word less than 10% done.

Closing thoughts for the early morning exorcism: Do not let your demons, literal or figurative, drive you to drink, drung or general distraction. Life is here and now, so live while you can. Take a deep breath, assess where you are and what you are doing at face value; if the current plan of attack isn't causing you to feel any better about what is happening in your life change your "strategery."

Sorry for the early morning crazy - I wish sometimes that I was translatable to other people, thought I feel like I try to be as transparent and honest as possible, I seem to meet more people who prefer dishonesty or general unavailabity to my relationship style. Even though I am a man, I do not often communicate like one. I'm shooting at the wrong targets. I know one day that there will be someone that I can have a reciorocal relationship with - and though I can be fairly comfortable with ambiguity, in this case, I really wish I knew when.

I love you all, and I hope that life isn't presenting you with such leach-like questions in your life. It seems, like I say all the time, that this year is a year of change. I am carbon being forced into a diamond - let's be real, sometimes it really sucks - but I'm making it, inch by inch, day by day. I've made the effort, and come miles this year, inching along and being proud of myself for the progress I've made. I hope that life is easy for each of you, and that you learn lessons the first time. Realize that you have someone to stand with you in the tough times, and someone to smile with when the season changes.

Love, love, LOVE to you all,
AA