Quitting the Chaos.

So, I feel like a cassette tape with all this ribbon of mind crinkled into some cloud above my head. I have so many thoughts that I've thunk intertwined together that I can't really sort them out right now. So, in light of that fact, I cut off the excess, throw it in my mind's back pocket to be sorted out when my brain doesn't seem like sloppily scrambled eggs.

The reason for the 'inquiet' is the lack of calm in my life right now. I had planned out my schedule for this semester far in advance and the plan fell apart when I returned from France and had a all-but-fulfilling conversation with my father.... Dad said that the 'rents would only be footin' the bill for the classes that I had to take - i.e. just one. Wrapping my brain around this idea has been a little less than easy, but I've finally gotten to a peaceful place where that's concerned. I've decided to throw all of my efforts into this one class and make it work the best I can while applying for a full-time job. (Momma, I'm sorry, I know you wanted me to work at your office and now.... turns out I could.... we can talk about the irony later.) I've found one that I really want, but the likelihood of getting it may be slim - that's kind of stressing me out, but I am trying my best to deal with the unknown and embrace it.

The real source of stress has been the job that I came back to at the University, it has become stressful and without any real reward - I worked 35 hours in the past 7 days, standing in an office, constantly working. My old boss retired, she was truly the best part of the whole job... and I asked my new boss for more hours or a raise, but instead of those things she hired someone who, though a nice person, is not in any way cut out for this job. I am the only one in my office of six people who consistently knows what they are doing 100% of the time. I continually am fixing the mistakes of my co-workers and I have to spend most of my time in my office hemmed in with my fake-but-oh-so-sticky-sweet-charming ex, which is infuriating (the one that cheated on me with our mutual friends and now pretends like I do not exist, who applied and got the job in my office the semester following our break-up knowing full-well I would still be working there but not even having the courtesy to think of me or my feelings at all. Can we all say ASS HOLE - there are very few people in my life that I can say that I do not like... but he shares the crown in that contest....).

In looking at the benefit/cost ratio I realize that I am paying the school rather than getting paid to work. And thus, being the slightly graceful human being that I am, I believe the time has come to leave the party with dignity rather than be forced to leave. The time for something new is upon me.

Instability has kind of been a theme for me lately - I have had a carousel of courtiers rotating through my life as of late. There is one that I think is worth going after, but he lives in south Florida.... 4-5 hours drive away.... and he "doesn't do" long-distance. So, in short, I've been a bit slutty - a hoe period, if you will - a different boy in my bed or on my couch every night. - - - I think that it's a means to distract myself, the conversation and company is nice, but something about it feels empty. I spent about 4 days with Beau down south, and every moment felt amazing, I can't get him out of my head - we gave little kisses but weren't physical and I was happy with that. I felt safe and comfortable - and something terribly hard to explain, but, I knew that he was more than just a body to sleep next to and keep me company. He is someone that interests me, engages me, challenges me - no one I've met is like him. These other boys can't compare - they are the empty, yet tasty, McDonald's french-fries to a four course fine meal. They lack the substance and the unique special qualities that this man has. He's not a dime a dozen dude - or dud might be more appropriate....

After all that, what I can say is that I'm scraping together all the elements that once where fairly well-knitted together - still growing, learning to be honest with others and myself - trying to keep the edges of my writing "round."

I guess the moral of the story is don't date anyone that could become your co-worker, live every day in honesty (with yourself and everything around you), and don't lose yourself when the world starts to shift around you.

Love to you all,
AA


(Name Game: the boy from SoFLA shall be called Beau because it is the French word for handsome, and that his is, and he speaks French..... and plays the piano.... and, of course, is fantastic human - in my eyes anyway)