Helpful Hurt

Sometimes things you find out are helpful and hurtful simultaneously.

I just got off the phone with Beau.

I texted and called a few days ago, with no response. A little pang, but I was okay. I called him tonight and he didn't answer, I wasn't surprised.... until twenty minutes later he called back. I almost didn't answer, but I did, and the proceeding conversation felt very hollow. Empty of what I wanted. Along the way he told me he's been seeing someone, which I guess I already knew. Hearing it was a little hard - I want to say Thank God I didn't tell him how I'd been feeling, that I think about holding his hand sometimes and I really have never felt as comfortable or important in someone else's arms, but at the same time I really would like to tell him that. I've never been good at keeping my feelings to myself and often that alienates people.... just as much or more than bottling them up inside myself.

I wondered after we hung up why I am alone - it's partially because I need to be, partially because I want what I can't have, and partially because I spend too much of my time and energy on people that will never reciprocate what I give. All that being fun to think about, I wondered if I would continually be alone because I was dedicating my life to people who were happy without me in 'that' capacity.

Dinner alone then going out for a friend's birthday, then a movie. Sometimes thinkin's tough on a tender heart, but I also believe that this is a helpful reality and is yet another piece of myself I have discovered. Firstly, I need to stop thinking about dudes and get what's on my plate taken care of. Secondly, I need to buck up and realize that it's not all that bad being alone, and that friends help heal the little hurts you have. Finally, If you want something worthwhile you have to work for it, and any goal, with hard work can be achieved.

Sooo, I've just had the wind knocked out of me, but I think I'll be okay. Gonna go walk it off and see what shenanigans I can get into tonight!

Love to you all
-AA

Homo for hire.

Something about that title sounds a little suspect... maybe a little slutty, but it is true dear reader, I am looking for a J.O.B. - and not of the gigolo variety, and I don't need to be anyone else's sassy gay friend. I am giving all my sass at work or in other appropriate situations.

The one that I really wanted fell through like whoa. Looking back on my life I feel like it, like many other things I wanted, I talked about far too much. That seems to happen to me, the more I talk about something that I really want the less possible it becomes. Is it just me? I have purposefully refrained from posting since last Wednesday when I realized that they wouldn't be calling me for a second interview because I was pretty depressed about it - which revealed something else about myself that I often do. I make plans on top of plans: meaning that I didn't have the job yet, but I was imagining what I would do if I had it.... counting my chickens before they hatched, if you will... I even looked at property in Tallahassee and found a house that I kind of love. I took a few pictures of the inside that I may post... we'll see. But, anyway, thanks to a couple people here at the office and L'Bergique ....and my Momma, I shook of the funk realizing that if I had gotten the job it might have cemented me in Tallahassee for who knows how long and though I am still interested in Higher Ed. Admin. I think that in the past few weeks I have made some more breakthroughs with the Voce and a career of singing or teaching singers seems more real than ever. Also, though this feeling may fade, I was not afraid of all of the possibilities that were put back onto the table when this job idea feel through. (I'm sort of thinking of going to Massage therapy or Bartending school, having a job that can be mobile and allows me to make money wherever I am or decide I'd like to be. i.e. NOT in Tally.)

Though I am still worried about my recital, I feel free. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything and it isn't scary. I have a blow-up mattress and a reliable ride, being a gypsy for a little while might be fun... maybe. (We'll see about that last part, I'm a nester and eventually would want a nest in which I could roost long term.) The feeling of exciting freedom is one that I haven't had in a while. I've been a little down trodden lately, negative and kind of... just over everything - living the zombie life, phoning it in, whatever you want to say. The numbness and the cloudy, asleep, depressed, managed and op/ suppressed feeling is gone. I have been consistently happy all week, well, minus yesterday morning - but everyone has funks, right?

I am going to focus my energy and effort on my recital and let that be my reward to myself. A great final note to end on with flare, panache, and artistry. I also FINALLY sent Beau his birthday gift and got it out of my house and off my mind. FedEx delivered it yesterday and he hasn't called or texted, which basically says to me: "you're set free" - - though I had one of the fastest and most intimate beautiful spark of a relationship with hi, I think that he just can't handle me - whether it be for geographical reasons, or... whatever - but I've decided to stop seeking him. (He is the only man I have ever held hands with in public... needless to say I think of that moment very fondly. tangent.) He will come to me if he wants to, and as of now, he is unable or doesn't want to make the time to acknowledge me. So... if someone doesn't have the time for you, why spend your time mentally reaming yourself over them!?( Maybe he's just not that into you...)

In other news, L'Bergique and I have gotten closer over the past few weeks and I feel like I can trust him - last night we had a weird conversation where he alluded to being more than friends.... and I'm not into him that way.... sooo anyway. Tangent.

Lessons of the day/week: A) Embrace freedom, though the possibilities are endless do not let them overwhelm you. B) Love yourself and find yourself beautiful regardless of the input (or lack there of) of others. C) and, of course, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch"

I am riding the high or happiness and I hope that happiness is inhabiting your life also! Looking forward to Lunch with Twin and Dinner with Jewels tomorrow. Concert of a friend tonight, and much music to work on!!!! C'est ma vie, et je l'aime.

Best, and Love to you all!!!
AA

(A little happy for Mon amie La Pêche)

Patched pieces.

My Nana told me once that if I could see enough blue sky to make Dutchman's breeches then the storm would soon end.
Today I am mentally patching together pieces of figurative blue sky to see if this emotional storm will end (for some reason I want a fruit rollup...? - I guess it's feeling like a child that feels like he has no actual control over his world at the moment). However no amount of thumb sucking, or hiding behind my mothers knees will make this any better. The truth is, big world out there, I'm scared. I feel the necessity to be totally honest in this post that I have had stuck in my head like one of those all too terrible lumps in your throat - news that you don't want to tell but words that have to be aired out and unfolded - too big to stay inside anymore.

I have come to a point in my life were, for the first time, I am afraid and at a bit of a crippling loss for ideas of how to remedy this - however, there is a plan. I feel like there isn't a place where I belong anymore, like I've outgrown my job, school, degree even some friends and I keep trying to squeeze into them like clothes too tight for this more mature me. - - Over the summer I listened to a piece on NPR about how people in America feel great attachment to and put great importance in the position they hold. I've reached the ceiling of what I can do in the College of Music in this degree and in my job, I feel obsolete and irrelevant. With some friends I feel like I've become a goto in times of trouble, but I'm tired of being Mother Mary... alright!? I need reciprocity and yes that was a beetles/chicago reference.

I had an excellent conversation with L'Bergique this past week where, for the first time this semester I felt like I was completely safe, that there was someone on the same page as I was, someone who had walked the road and bore the scars and was willing to spend time with me until I let it all go. I was honest with him - I told him I was scared, felt alone, and empty. He sat on the phone with me while I cried, more from relief than from sadness. It felt... good. Basically the main point of his argument was that I was pursuing people that were empty vessels - emotionally empty, or just unwilling to invest in me the same way I invest in them. (Not applicable to any of you) - - This is an idea that I have been dealing with for a while and I guess that it has become more of a problem in my relationships with potential guys I'd date. I have too many on my plate, and each one actually takes some investment of energy to maintain the connection between the two of us. I realize I still have a problem with saying no to people, I have a problem not giving people what they want, an appetite to appease people when they have no desire or intention of fulfilling any of my needs. Since his birthday Beau has been out of reach, I called twice and texted a few times last week and once again I feel like I am entangled with someone who is much more willing to forget than remember me - granted, I still haven't sent his birthday present and now it's almost a month late... funds were tight and FedEx isn't cheep. I really just don't understand the lack of etiquette from someone who has multiple sets of china and silver and who prides himself on being so 'top-notch' - - - I'm going to send his gift this week and get it out of my house, the constant reminder of someone that I don't really speak to and doesn't seem to care about me is a bit irritating. - - - I also realize that the options on the table, in most all features of my life are overwhelming but manageable and that I can seek my friends and family for help when I need it... however I must realize when I need help which is probably far more often than I seek it.

I am, and always have been, a person that goes to the doctor when he is sick - not for a checkup or preventive maintenance and because of that I end up being sick for longer periods of time when I become ill. I think that same feeling applies here... that I don't realize where I am until I get there emotionally. I am not emotionally budgeted, I give until there's nothing left and I starve myself and even then can't think of anyone to reach out to because my friends all have their "own problems" and I either don't want to bother them or I have become so isolated within my cocoon of mental instability that I don't venture out of it - I literally cannot think of people to call. - - - To that end, I realize that band-aids are much better than corrective surgery and checking in with people all the way along, people that can 'speak into' my life, is as important as eating, sleeping, and exercising.

As I was constructing this post I reread a lot of my internet output to realize that the majority of it is quite negative and complain-y, which is not "who I am" but this has become the place where I express that. My writing in general is where I release toxic things to fester elsewhere and maybe remove it from my consciousness. I also saw from rereading that there have been a few moments of clarity recorded that are as helpful now as they were then.

Through my talk with L'Bergique, reading my previous posts, remembering my own strength, and (through a moment of mental clarity) realizing that there are a select few people who I can go to when my own cup is getting empty I think there are patches of blue sky enough to make more than pants. I also think that going to therapy might be a viable option to help me not be so much of a roller-coaster; the ride isn't and never has been fun. I'm not crazy by any means, so please don't run go tell that, I think that therapy might provide an unbiased opinion and a place to talk about things the way they appear logically in my head - also, I have a lot of problems with competing points of view... I suppress the thoughts and feeling that I have that I believe are "inappropriate" (not sexually, lol) but I just think that something about that isn't totally healthy.

Anyway, I wandered a bit but I think that's really all I wanted to say on the subject... More growing pains to come, but at least I know it gets better and at least I am given the gift of today to live and learn just a little bit more.

Love to you all,
AA

Out loud

I guess this doesn't really count as out loud - but - I have to say it somewhere that isn't thin air....

I feel... emptied.

All of my fragment are fighting and I can't get any part of myself to just be still.

I want to talk about everything at once - So I guess either I should blog more often or get some sort of way of organizing my thoughts before I sit down to write.

So... I haven't really written much this month - and that's okay, I wouldn't say much has happened. Other than my birthday - I turned 24 this year, an age which doesn't feel too terribly much older than I did at 22 or 23 but I would like to say that this year I have grown, or perhaps just realized that the figurative shoe no longer fit, so I went in search of a new pair. I think I've walked around most of this year on mental bare feet. I have been the most honest with myself, and I have grown to like myself for who and what I am and the possibilities of my life.

The birthday festivities were nice, got to see Twin, Eesh, and a few others on the weekend, Mix, MacGee on my birthday and then many people at the knock-down drag-out house party the Saturday after my birthday. I stayed in bed until 4 on Sunday afternoon.

This week has had its roller coaster moments. I've been singing well, made it to both my voice therapy appointments, went to a new place called Urban Thread on Monroe. And I am fairly happy with the way my office and bed room have turned out ( I got them all shined up for the party) - office and bathroom still need work and a lot of the house is lacking art, but I will work on that little by little. Interspersed within the highs were some pretty weird lows - Eesh has been a bit of a user lately, coming to me only when she needs things. I was talking to her the other day and she wasn't even paying attention to me, like she had something better to do... and maybe she did, but it hurt my feelings. I feel like I have been shooting a little toward the negative side lately - I keep letting myself get sucked in and it's something I am trying to get out of my system. My teacher probably hates me this week because I ditched half of my recital music because it sucked... that was a fun conversation.

All in all I think it goes back to my lack of stability and structure. I need to start building my structure and time with people who can help me recuperate from whatever has/is draining my energy. I'm still giving too much away "for free" to guys... time to reign it in, Gypsy Rose. I have spent far too much of my time in bed with boys lately and it hasn't really gotten me anything but a sinking feeling of superfluousness.

My life, I have come to realize, is very cyclical. I go through periods of time when I am full and happy to times when I feel like there's nothing left to scrape from the bottom of my emotional barrel. The lesson I seem to be trying to teach myself this week, coming to the place where I have gotten too old to flounce around like a fresh out of the closet fairy, is that a body doesn't make you less lonely. That is to say that having someone to "help you out" isn't really all that necessary and what is is someone who will be there for all the other parts of your life.

Beau has been on my mind a lot lately - I wonder if I am making him too much of an ideal character, if I like him because he's far away from me, or what the deal is.... what I do know, that in no way is speculation, is that he makes me feel loved, safe and attractive - and I am attracted to him. What I don't know is how, if ever, it will work. I also think I can bank on the fact that he likes me and would feel some sort of pang if I was seeing someone else. I called him for his birthday and had a male friend in the car with me - Beau did a little interrogating to make sure said friend was only a friend and made lite of the situation by saying that he was making sure he shouldn't feel jealous. That feels nice to think about. I'm still lonely, my cats are only so cuddly at night... I want someone special to hold and I feel like Beau has a lot of potential.

But anyway, I have to sing in the morning, Off to bed for me.

Love to you all,
AA

Quitting the Chaos.

So, I feel like a cassette tape with all this ribbon of mind crinkled into some cloud above my head. I have so many thoughts that I've thunk intertwined together that I can't really sort them out right now. So, in light of that fact, I cut off the excess, throw it in my mind's back pocket to be sorted out when my brain doesn't seem like sloppily scrambled eggs.

The reason for the 'inquiet' is the lack of calm in my life right now. I had planned out my schedule for this semester far in advance and the plan fell apart when I returned from France and had a all-but-fulfilling conversation with my father.... Dad said that the 'rents would only be footin' the bill for the classes that I had to take - i.e. just one. Wrapping my brain around this idea has been a little less than easy, but I've finally gotten to a peaceful place where that's concerned. I've decided to throw all of my efforts into this one class and make it work the best I can while applying for a full-time job. (Momma, I'm sorry, I know you wanted me to work at your office and now.... turns out I could.... we can talk about the irony later.) I've found one that I really want, but the likelihood of getting it may be slim - that's kind of stressing me out, but I am trying my best to deal with the unknown and embrace it.

The real source of stress has been the job that I came back to at the University, it has become stressful and without any real reward - I worked 35 hours in the past 7 days, standing in an office, constantly working. My old boss retired, she was truly the best part of the whole job... and I asked my new boss for more hours or a raise, but instead of those things she hired someone who, though a nice person, is not in any way cut out for this job. I am the only one in my office of six people who consistently knows what they are doing 100% of the time. I continually am fixing the mistakes of my co-workers and I have to spend most of my time in my office hemmed in with my fake-but-oh-so-sticky-sweet-charming ex, which is infuriating (the one that cheated on me with our mutual friends and now pretends like I do not exist, who applied and got the job in my office the semester following our break-up knowing full-well I would still be working there but not even having the courtesy to think of me or my feelings at all. Can we all say ASS HOLE - there are very few people in my life that I can say that I do not like... but he shares the crown in that contest....).

In looking at the benefit/cost ratio I realize that I am paying the school rather than getting paid to work. And thus, being the slightly graceful human being that I am, I believe the time has come to leave the party with dignity rather than be forced to leave. The time for something new is upon me.

Instability has kind of been a theme for me lately - I have had a carousel of courtiers rotating through my life as of late. There is one that I think is worth going after, but he lives in south Florida.... 4-5 hours drive away.... and he "doesn't do" long-distance. So, in short, I've been a bit slutty - a hoe period, if you will - a different boy in my bed or on my couch every night. - - - I think that it's a means to distract myself, the conversation and company is nice, but something about it feels empty. I spent about 4 days with Beau down south, and every moment felt amazing, I can't get him out of my head - we gave little kisses but weren't physical and I was happy with that. I felt safe and comfortable - and something terribly hard to explain, but, I knew that he was more than just a body to sleep next to and keep me company. He is someone that interests me, engages me, challenges me - no one I've met is like him. These other boys can't compare - they are the empty, yet tasty, McDonald's french-fries to a four course fine meal. They lack the substance and the unique special qualities that this man has. He's not a dime a dozen dude - or dud might be more appropriate....

After all that, what I can say is that I'm scraping together all the elements that once where fairly well-knitted together - still growing, learning to be honest with others and myself - trying to keep the edges of my writing "round."

I guess the moral of the story is don't date anyone that could become your co-worker, live every day in honesty (with yourself and everything around you), and don't lose yourself when the world starts to shift around you.

Love to you all,
AA


(Name Game: the boy from SoFLA shall be called Beau because it is the French word for handsome, and that his is, and he speaks French..... and plays the piano.... and, of course, is fantastic human - in my eyes anyway)