I have arrived at Twenty-Five

Today, I turned twenty-five at 11:13 am Central standard time. I haven't written in a while because silence just felt better. Silence is easier than talking sometimes; to mute the mind's outward output and let things develop as they so often do.

This weekend was lovely, I am so thankful for the beautiful and amazing friends that surprised me under the direction of Momma and Jewels. Almost all the important people where there - It made me feel loved, appreciated, integrated into the fabric of the lives of other people - useful. (My face was sore from all the smiling.) All things that have felt very distant and intangible to me lately. It was a very very bright spot in a series of many weeks of struggle.

Life has been a little ugly to me lately, and maybe I'm paying it forward... or maybe Karma has come to reap what I sewed at some point in my past. Essentially I feel detached, out of reach and once again like my feet aren't on the ground. I think that though there are so many beautiful, wonderful and caring people around me, for some reason I am not consoled. I guess it is time to look inside myself, (who likes to do that!?) and search for the answers to my inexplicable emotional roller coaster-ing.

There have been moments of respite, but the feelings always come back. The vacation I took in August, the beginning of school - there were two or three weeks where I was excited, I felt energized and ready to move forward with my life. The closer my birthday came, and the farther into school I got the more that feeling waned. It takes vacations too, I guess. I think that this week away for my sister's wedding will be nice and much needed - Spending time with my beautiful, wonderful and sometimes misguided family always leaves me feeling a bit better - maybe it will help me get a few things together in my head.

To explain it in plain terms, I feel a little crazy. Very sensitive. Prone to tears, and bouts of depression that last for a day sometimes less. I feel out of whack, out of my "self." - - There is no one reason why I feel this way, no overarching source of trauma, but the cumulative weight of things seems to be doing something to me... or my body chemist has taken an indeterminate leave of absence and I am subject to my body attempting to regulate itself - which, if that is the case, it doesn't seem to be doing all that well.

My life, by all accounts, is enviable. My physical health is good. My friends just proved their immeasurable awesomeness and devotion both this weekend and today - my facebook wall and cell phone have literally reached capacity! You all have showered me with love and somehow it isn't soothing. I don't know what it is I lack that my emotional self seems to need so desperately, but it seems like I will continue to seek it aimlessly until I find it.

God is in there somewhere, one of the few things that does make me feel better is gospel music. There's a lot out there about God bringing you through trials. (and here I thought my growing pains where over!?) God is taking me through something, and I think that He is asking me to trust Him and to seek help, within His word and within His music and also with someone "outside the circle" who can speak objectively about my life.

All this being said, the time has come to go to therapy. I've battled with these ups and downs for quite a few months now and I think that they are beyond my power to fix alone. Welcome to being a grown-up, right?

I love you all so much, I don't want you to worry. I know this all sounds a bit off-putting and sad for a birthday post, but it's real and where I am right now. If you could just reach out, whenever you think of me, or just let me know that you are there - that would be a great help. I'll keep you posted on my progress

Love to you all,
AA

Work and a Jerk.

So - I've been feeling seven kinds of prickly since Friday night. L'Bergique is being kind of a child, which is to be expected and not entirely annoying - he's just passive aggressive which is a little irritating. Most of my pricklyness stems from a certain dude that is in law school here - who is a bit of a duchebag - but long story short, I expected more of him than he could deliver and I got disappointed. So said dude, who I am not giving a name because I just don't want to, has dodged me right and left while promising to hang out with me and finally last night I got the balls to tell him about it. The conversation ended in silence on his end, it was via text... of course, but anyway - I won. I said what I needed to say and I don't have anything to apologize for, and I feel like I've got the power, damnit! (You would think this a good time for " I got the power" by Snap, but surprisingly the lyrics don't quite say what I would like for them to, sooo there you go! <---- this was what I came up with to musically encompass my thoughts)


I'm not up for anymore daily doses of bullshit, you know?


Tidbits of life you should know about: 1) I am enjoying my job a lot, working with Momma everyday is fun - tough making it on time every morning, but I find the energy somewhere to pry myself out of bed and go. 2) I went to the gym almost every day last week, skipped Sunday and Wednesday. But, that's a victory in itself - I feel better about my body and I can't wait to see what I look like in a couple months. I really want to love myself when I am not covered up with clothes. Which sounds odd, but it's something I've always been uncomfortable with. 3) which kind of leads to the fact that lately from a couple different directions I've been encouraged to love myself for who I am, exactly what I am, where I am and not try to present some sort of front - a stylized version of myself that is designed for mass consumption. I don't particularly want to be consumed by masses.... (28 days later, yikes) so, I think I can get with the embracing what I am.*
4) I am still trying to devise a time to blog, to that end I am going to start using more of my time wisely and invest in myself more - doing things that help me, like cooking and blogging, etc.
5) I was challenged to think of what it is that home means, what is it that defines it? Parts of the rituals that take place there - like cooking - there is something organic about that that I think is essential to making a house a happy home.
6) I am supposed to take the GRE in about a week and I haven't really studied. I think this could be a not so great thing. If I say no between now and next Wednesday to anything, it is more than likely because I have to study for the GRE. Booo, dislike.
7) I have been thinking a lot about the words that come out of my mouth lately. Momma was saying the other day that she says "God Damnit" and would like to stop, which made me think... gosh I say that too... among other things. I would like to eliminate certain words like "lame" and "retarded" out of my slang vocab, they perpetuate the negative feeling around these words and I don't like that.
8) The past two weekends with friends have been AWESOME!! Last weekend with Momma, MacGee, and Peach and this weekend with Twin, Mr.N, Hillz, MinniVann, VampChamp and others. I have great friends and am so thankful for them!!
9) You can love to do something and be terrible at it... but just because you are terrible and you know it, doesn't mean you shouldn't do something that brings you joy. Also, don't confuse being good at something a substitute for loving it - just because you have a talent for something doesn't mean you have to do it, or should make yourself if you aren't enjoying what you are doing.
10) I've been trying to read my Bible daily, and there is something odd about it. It seems like I literally put things on top of it that use up the time that I could devote to reading it. For example, my laptop. For months, when I would go to bed, I would put my laptop on my Bible - then I realized this literal manifestation of the idea of the world getting in the way of God and I moved my Bible to the other side of the bed, it's been sitting open, waiting for me ever since. I've read it once in the past week and I skipped church this week... which I do not plan to repeat next weekend. Positive vibes appreciated.
11) I found a little dresser I liked this weekend at Good Finds Tallahassee.... I might go visit it this week and buy it. Eeek!
12) I think I found a house to live in next year! We will probably tour it this week if all goes well and then maybe we'll have a place to live - - YAY!


Love to you all, Hope you find Joy, Spunk, and Verve in your day - Embrace all of yourself, live within the person that you are, find the fullness of yourself and hug it! You might find corners of yourself that you love, some that you don't, but all of it is part of the wonderful person that is YOU - we strive to be better everyday, but that doesn't mean we have to loathe what we are to change. Love yourself, I do :)

AA

Noise and News

Wow, I haven't posted in FOREVER - or so it seems.

A few things to know might be:

I gave my recital, made a little noise, spent a lotta dough and now I'm done! I think that what I was most proud of was the reception, which was kind of beautiful - - oh, and the fact I didn't forget any of the words to my pieces.

I realize that arriving ahead of time is a lot more fun than arriving right on time.

I got new glasses. I can SEE and that's nice. They are tortoise shell full framed glasses and I like them a lot, they really do something nice for my face.

I got a new computer for Christmas. There are no words for how much I needed it.

I got a new job that at first I turned down, but now feel really good about. Maybe it's fate?

The winds of change are always a-blowin' here in Anonymousville; I've been going to the gym very frequently and cooking for myself a lot - slipped a little this week because of the new job and helping my friend Jewels with her show that goes out to the public schools next week.

Spring, once again is starting early with the boys of Tally. I've gotten a lot of attention lately, but unlike the past I have stayed a bit more detached and aloof. I haven't had "sex sex" since December and I am looking to keep up the "good work."

I went to a friend's wedding on New Year's Day and ran into all sorts of people, including Prince. In this context, I felt very much like a new person in old skin, inhibited by my situation and unable to be fully who I am now because of what they remember of me then. I don't know how many times I was left to my own devices and how many times I was abandoned in mid conversation for something or someone else more interesting. Most of all it made me sad for them, sad for the people I once tried so hard to excite, entertain, love... I will never be enough for them, even as momentary company. It made me sad for them because they will never have what I have with Twin, L'Bergique, Jewels, Peach, Momma (and her boys) - - and the fact, to be a bit self aggrandizing for a moment, that they will never get the chance to know the real me because they are too caught up in their own foolishness to notice anything other than themselves. I saw the same tricks being pulled that I saw four years ago, but thanks to a bit of acquired wisdom, I chose not to play the game. Oh, and to toot my horn a little more, I looked pretty fucking delicious - eat your heart out folks. - - - Remind me to tell you about the letter Prince sent me "for my birthday," I need some help devising a response.

Advice and commentary from L'Bergique is always something my brain munches on like cow's cud. It revolves through my head on a daily basis and is really responsible for a lot of my internal monologue as of late. Things to think about that I'll pass on:
1) Cooking is the sincerest form of taking care of someone, including yourself. It can be a cathartic experience and it is a ritual that has lasted for thousands of years - the action of people providing for the most basic of needs for themselves and others. Investing the time to cook for yourself and thinking about how you are actually taking care of yourself by doing so is an interesting thought to gnaw on - one that I have really enjoyed and am trying to put into practice. Please pass on all your favorite recipes.
2) Friends are like parts of a tree. a) some are leaves, they provide you with nourishment, inspire movement, change, etc but are the least dependable part of your network of friends. When the weather turns cold they depart, and we must let them. We cannot hold onto them beyond their time, or we will not be able to grow new relationships, emotionally killing ourselves to maintain something that shouldn't be. (Trees with brown leaves in the Spring are dead). b) Some people in your life are like branches, more permanent than leaves, but still flimsy under the right circumstances, people that are more sturdily placed within your life but still have the potential to depart. c) some people are like roots, they ground you, replenish you, provide for you and reach deep creating a substantial network on which you can always rely. These pieces work also in a ratio leaves being the most abundant and roots being the least. - - I've expanded this to more than just friends in my life, but to most things. When something has lots its utility allow it to go be useful to someone else.
3) This is something I came up with on my own, but I feel like it's too similar to put in another section. I was going through the drive through at Wendy's and I paid with my debit card. For some reason this spurred a thought: By paying little money for low quality quick food now, I will have to pay in other ways when I am older, namely with my health. So this adage arose: Life is like a credit card, what ever you charge you must pay off at some point, sometimes with interest. The six minutes it took for them to sell and serve to me this death burger will turn into hours in a doctors office being tested for heart problems, hundreds of dollars in fees and medicine, and a life of discomfort from being overweight. This idea has morphed into many parallel thoughts but the crux is, only "buy" what you can pay for and investing in yourself, through whatever means possible will have great returns where lack of investment creates innumerable deficit.

Also, all of the music I have been listening to has really been speaking to me. It feels a little weird but good. I hope you are all taking the time you need for yourself, it's SO worth it.

Love to you all
AA

Homo for hire.

Something about that title sounds a little suspect... maybe a little slutty, but it is true dear reader, I am looking for a J.O.B. - and not of the gigolo variety, and I don't need to be anyone else's sassy gay friend. I am giving all my sass at work or in other appropriate situations.

The one that I really wanted fell through like whoa. Looking back on my life I feel like it, like many other things I wanted, I talked about far too much. That seems to happen to me, the more I talk about something that I really want the less possible it becomes. Is it just me? I have purposefully refrained from posting since last Wednesday when I realized that they wouldn't be calling me for a second interview because I was pretty depressed about it - which revealed something else about myself that I often do. I make plans on top of plans: meaning that I didn't have the job yet, but I was imagining what I would do if I had it.... counting my chickens before they hatched, if you will... I even looked at property in Tallahassee and found a house that I kind of love. I took a few pictures of the inside that I may post... we'll see. But, anyway, thanks to a couple people here at the office and L'Bergique ....and my Momma, I shook of the funk realizing that if I had gotten the job it might have cemented me in Tallahassee for who knows how long and though I am still interested in Higher Ed. Admin. I think that in the past few weeks I have made some more breakthroughs with the Voce and a career of singing or teaching singers seems more real than ever. Also, though this feeling may fade, I was not afraid of all of the possibilities that were put back onto the table when this job idea feel through. (I'm sort of thinking of going to Massage therapy or Bartending school, having a job that can be mobile and allows me to make money wherever I am or decide I'd like to be. i.e. NOT in Tally.)

Though I am still worried about my recital, I feel free. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything and it isn't scary. I have a blow-up mattress and a reliable ride, being a gypsy for a little while might be fun... maybe. (We'll see about that last part, I'm a nester and eventually would want a nest in which I could roost long term.) The feeling of exciting freedom is one that I haven't had in a while. I've been a little down trodden lately, negative and kind of... just over everything - living the zombie life, phoning it in, whatever you want to say. The numbness and the cloudy, asleep, depressed, managed and op/ suppressed feeling is gone. I have been consistently happy all week, well, minus yesterday morning - but everyone has funks, right?

I am going to focus my energy and effort on my recital and let that be my reward to myself. A great final note to end on with flare, panache, and artistry. I also FINALLY sent Beau his birthday gift and got it out of my house and off my mind. FedEx delivered it yesterday and he hasn't called or texted, which basically says to me: "you're set free" - - though I had one of the fastest and most intimate beautiful spark of a relationship with hi, I think that he just can't handle me - whether it be for geographical reasons, or... whatever - but I've decided to stop seeking him. (He is the only man I have ever held hands with in public... needless to say I think of that moment very fondly. tangent.) He will come to me if he wants to, and as of now, he is unable or doesn't want to make the time to acknowledge me. So... if someone doesn't have the time for you, why spend your time mentally reaming yourself over them!?( Maybe he's just not that into you...)

In other news, L'Bergique and I have gotten closer over the past few weeks and I feel like I can trust him - last night we had a weird conversation where he alluded to being more than friends.... and I'm not into him that way.... sooo anyway. Tangent.

Lessons of the day/week: A) Embrace freedom, though the possibilities are endless do not let them overwhelm you. B) Love yourself and find yourself beautiful regardless of the input (or lack there of) of others. C) and, of course, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch"

I am riding the high or happiness and I hope that happiness is inhabiting your life also! Looking forward to Lunch with Twin and Dinner with Jewels tomorrow. Concert of a friend tonight, and much music to work on!!!! C'est ma vie, et je l'aime.

Best, and Love to you all!!!
AA

(A little happy for Mon amie La Pêche)

What News?

This week has been all awash with good things - with a few bleh things mixed in... to make the less good things feel better - the picture would be nothing without contrast, yeah?

So- let us review:

Came back to Tally Sunday night saw a friend's recital which was nice,

Monday was fairly unimpressive, though I had a better therapy session where I seem to have conveyed my message more accurately to my voice therapist. My rehearsal with my accompanist was a little iffy at best and I finished out the night by seeing the Social Network - which was interesting

Side note: I am not, nor have I ever been or hope to be, invested in facebook as a feature of my life nor do I view it as an extension of myself - it is a website that helps me keep in contact with people and play games when I have nothing else I want to do. I believe that this is the healthy way to view said website as it is only six years old and should not have the ability to debilitate a person or persons from normal function.

Tuesday: My lesson was bobo, work was alright, I got a letter with enclosed cd from Prince... odd we'll discuss the letter once I know what the hell it says... I don't remember his handwriting being this hard to read, and I got some new music in the mail direct from a composer in Texas!! Continuing the musical theme, I saw a concert in the newly remodeled Ruby Diamond Concert Hall - which was quite nice. Finally to finish the evening I went to someone's house to "sleep" - - I knew it was a booty call before I even opened the message, but I wanted my movies back, he wanted to see me - - win win? yes.

Wednesday: Therapy again was not a pain, I worked the International Programs fair, got to rub elbows with some important people while sharing my passion for studying abroad to about 15 or 20 students, saw a lot of purple people, got booed or mooed at for some reason (possibly because I was wearing purple), Went to Spanish Club and didn't totally forget everything I learned over the years (first time I've spoken Spanish since last spring) Had dinner with VampChamp - we had a fantastic conversation and just an all around good time. Post dinner I went to a Pride Student Union event at Aladdin's - - - and then had company, which didn't end in anything substantial but I didn't mind.

Thursday: My voice was tired from all the talking on Wednesday but I made it through work with a very special visit from ChromeDiva my recently retired boss. I had my first appointment with a personal trainer (I'm going to look hot by Peach's wedding... maybe - it's a goal at least), Saw three amazing houses that I will not be able to afford but that are close enough to being budget-able that I can taste them, and capped the day off with a little bit of speaking french and rehearsing with my accompanist. Voice = Done.

Friday: Canceled my lesson, ate lunch with a hottie older friend of mine - - who paid for lunch (whaaat does that mean?) I called the local music store that was supposed to call me back on Monday about some music that I ordered - a good friend that works there helped me and we discovered my music arrived TODAY!! went and picked it up - perused a shop or two in Market square. Came home and sat around a little and shot the breeze with L'Bergique - - After a sufficient respite from the world I went to the Greek Food Fest with the womb mates and had AMAZING food. After running into Eesh and most of the seniors in my program and feeling a little forgettable and blah I ran into one of my awesome friends who we'll call Jewels, made plans to hang at Mockingbird which was followed by Fin's and wrapped up the night pretty well.


All week I've made an effort to be around people that make me feel good about myself and what I am doing (though I did miss my Momma, Mix and MacGee time this week, as well as the absence of Twin but we'll be seeing each other this weekend). It really has been helpful and uplifting, and I even left out some of the best news, I got an INTERVIEW!!!! So, send me good vibes and prayers - I'll take whatever positive energy you've got to spare. Send it my way pleeeeease

Love to you all
AA

Connected or Confused?

So, my dear ones, I have been the busiest of bees lately. My life wouldn't be any good if it was slow though, so I'm not complainin'.

Went to the TALC gala with the crew and some new people, some of whom you will hear of later... maybe multiple times, this I say with fingers crossed and knocking on wood. I spent the better part of the beginning of this month partying, I'm pretty sure my brain and my liver are a little the worse for ware. I told a boy via text I wanted to kiss him = fail; and he didn't respond and hasn't since = epic fail. However, this has been the only real stumble in the department of gentlemen.

The TALC gala and the people entailed outlining my most recent "successes." I have spent a lot of time with Momma recently, which has been nice - I don't get to see her all that much during the year, and I have been added to the gay circle of Momma's friend M'Lin. Eesh is in the summer class I am taking, and I got to go out with Twin the other day - so all my ladies are around. Hoping to visit Peach and Aid before the end of next month, depending on available funds! But anyway, you asked for juice, and for once, I have something juicy to tell... mostly anyway.

So, I meet two of Momma's other friends, people who have moved out of the Tallahassee phase of their lives and gone on to professions etc: Chem: a very tall, smart, cute and fantastic man; Phur: Very nice, cute, considerate and wonderful man; and PhotoOp: he. is. gorgeous. when I saw him, I thought WOW, how can all that pretty be in one man? but that is just the tip of the iceberg - he is smart, sweet, and .... I wish he didn't live so far away.

So, I got to spend time with these lovely people,( Momma, Mix, MacGee, M'Lin, and the Men) over the week leading to the gala, all great lovely people who have know each other for years and then... me. I fit in pretty well when we had dinner together though, I get extra-friendly feedback from PhotoOp, which made me feel nice, but I didn't suspect anything.

We went out later that week after they had a rehearsal for the gala and I for Chicago; Chem, Momma and I where the only ones who ended up going; we had a great time - a boy tried to tell them how much he was in love with me while I was at the bar... awkward.... but the new look went over well. People asked if I was working out or had lost weight.... no, friends, haircut and a beard. But anyway, we escaped loverboy and made it home where we talked until 4 am or so. Chem had been flirting with me a little during the night, but subtly, and so I took it to mean nothing. I slept at Momma's because it isn't super close to my house and I didn't want to drive home. Shortly after we'd gone to bed, Chem sent me a facebook message asking me to join him: since I have a bobo phone, I didn't get it until the next day... but wooo, win!!! I felt good about myself that I had caught the eye of someone so cute and smart.

Anyway, Momma tells me the next day PhotoOp was upset he missed out on the clubbing experience, because he wanted to spend time with ME!! DOUBLE WIN in the saaaame day. So we go to the gala and I make it a point to talk to PhotoOp, Chem is otherwise occupied and is not Chilean with beautiful hazel eyes. He stays pretty aloof which is fine and we go through the night fairly platonically. I run into an ex, Prince... and exes of his... awesome. Finally the video-watching and performances end and it's PARTY TIME!!!!

We headed to Mix and MacGee's and have a great time with the cast of characters and then PhotoOp asks me to take him home, so his ride can turn in early.... DUH, I said yes. blah blah blah, fast forward, take him home after about an hour of just the two of us talking and he gets ready to get out of the car, then mumbles something like, "I just have to...." leans in and kisses me. I was surprised but quickly more interested in the reality, this beautiful man kissing me. This persisted for some time.... then he said he should go inside, somehow it came up that I had a place in town too where he could stay, he waffled but eventually came home with me. And the rest... is available on a need to know basis ;)

He's gone now and we have had a few messages pass between us, but I am pretty sure that will all dissolve in a week or so. I really want to know more about him though.... and by know more, I mean, I almost itch to see him..... but simultaneously, my head says you barely know him. I'm trying to strike a reasonable balance between the two: my head and heart - I'll keep you posted. But for now, I am trying to keep it light and easy, and talk to him for as long as he'll talk to me. I have no desire to be taxing or to be taxed; this summer diversion might be just that, or may develop into friendship or... something else. I will be happy with whichever of the options occur.

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Turning the page:

I LEAVE FOR PARIS SOOOOO SOON! I am exceptionally excited. That's all I can really say about it. I am going to start reviewing grammar etc for the tests we take when we get there, but more than that, I am just basking in the glow of excitement and expectation.

I also have had a great deal of God smiling on me lately, providing for me in inconceivable ways and letting me know He is there. Comforting to know that I'm being watched over and provided for.

Additionally, thank God for each of you. Bless you and may God keep and protect you in times of prosperity and famine. I feel so lucky to have each of you in my life. Love to you all,
-AA

P.s. soon, there will be a post about who's who in my blog and why they are named as they are.