there's lots of "i" when you apologise

So, I have been thinking quite a bit. (Surprised, aren't you.) Tonight I want to focus on a few things, but mostly on a letter and a play list that I got from Prince for my "birthday."
The letter is a bit hard to read - though he took the time to write it out 'long hand' as my grandmother would say; something that, in itself, is very personal and thoughtful. The first time I read it, I wasn't really sure what to think. It seemed to be a lot about his being hurt by what happened and didn't really touch on the horrible things that he did to me and it points to the music to further explain how he feels (which I think it kind of a cop out). The second time I read it was right before new years, knowing that I would see him at our friend's wedding. I wasn't as mad then, but it still sounded so very much about him and his needs and wants - - but I read it with the purpose to legitimately devise a reply, previously I had told myself I would think about it after my recital, and that didn't come, so I hadn't thought much about it. Seeing as I was about to see him, I needed... something to say, if it was brought up. And finally, I read it a third time just now and I mentally scolded myself a little for reading it as I did before. If you don't know my history with Prince, it's something I'll have to tell you in installments, it's something kin to an Epic, with fewer characters and hopefully will never be made into a bad movie with lack lustre special effects.

The letter reads:

(note, all the bold words were underlined, but I couldn't make that happen so I improvised)

AA,
Last year I started writing you a letter. It ended up being pretty long, but when I read it back to myself , I realized that it didn't say any of the things that I'd set out to communicate. Took me a week and a half to make this mix - figures, huh?
There aren't many things in my life that I regret, but not being able to maintain some kind of meaningful relationship with you is one of them. While you really hurt me - devastated me - back when. I had a huge trouble with forgiveness and seriously regret how I acted. I hope this music can explain me a little better than that terrible prototype letter that you'll never see.
I don't know hardly anything about you anymore, and the few times that I have reached out I've gotten the impression that you were really uncomfortable with any interest. I hope that if nothing else, you'll accept that I am such a vastly different person now than I was then, and that I wish you well and carry some but of you with me, like it or not.
I wanted you to have this on your birthday but was out of town and couldn't put it together.
Sorry, but better late than never, I guess?
Hope you're well. Hope this music reaches you internally the way it has me.
I miss you, in my own guarded way.
With love,
Prince.



There's an awful lot of I in this apology, and something about that doesn't surprise me. I feel like he always has been, and always will be despite his "vastly different" new self, self centered. He view the world through the lens of himself - how does this profit me, how did this hurt me, what did I lose. Perhaps the "new him" will never fully come into focus for me because he is obscured by the shadowy, terrible memories of the "old" Prince. The music seems to be just as much about him and his journey, but I think it was supposed to be - - Also, it's difficult to say exactly what he means because a song means something different to anyone that hears it even though the music and words are exactly the same.

I've been thinking about writing him since December, but I want to be tactful while expressing fully what it is that I need to say... or I just want to be silent and leave it at that. The nicest thing that I have come up with so far is: "we both made promises that we couldn't keep and punished each other when we failed. We weren't mature enough to provide what the other needed and in our immaturity we damaged each other in unforgettable, but hopefully forgivable, ways. I still am dealing with the wounds that you dealt me, and..." (then it's not so sweet) And I don't know what I want from you but I am not really sure that I want you to be any part of my life because previously what you did to me was toxic and nearly irreparable. Somehow, God and a tight group of people I gathered around myself helped me to come back from the place our relationship took me. I don't believe either of us is solely at fault, but certainly neither of us is innocent. When I look at myself now, I know that I wouldn't be what I am without you being a part of my past, but I don't know if I can let you be a part of my present or future because of where our relationship took me.


I've been listening to a lot of contemplative music lately and it all seems to be applicable to him. I suppose the time is coming when I will have to say something because I can't keep my feelings to myself. I want to represent myself in the best possible light and be beyond reproach - I heard that somewhere once and it's become a life goal since; live on the earth and be someone that conducts themselves in such a way, with such grace, kindness and poise that people do not easily find fault within them ....or the way they conduct themselves.

Anyway, my thought for the day is that when next I apologise to someone I don't want to make it about me - because it isn't if you are truly apologising. Then, just in general... what if in my life I stopped talking about myself and turned my eyes outward - "I, me, my, mine, etc." are not the only words I know. I am challenging myself to use the word I less this week.

Love to you all,
AA

Noise and News

Wow, I haven't posted in FOREVER - or so it seems.

A few things to know might be:

I gave my recital, made a little noise, spent a lotta dough and now I'm done! I think that what I was most proud of was the reception, which was kind of beautiful - - oh, and the fact I didn't forget any of the words to my pieces.

I realize that arriving ahead of time is a lot more fun than arriving right on time.

I got new glasses. I can SEE and that's nice. They are tortoise shell full framed glasses and I like them a lot, they really do something nice for my face.

I got a new computer for Christmas. There are no words for how much I needed it.

I got a new job that at first I turned down, but now feel really good about. Maybe it's fate?

The winds of change are always a-blowin' here in Anonymousville; I've been going to the gym very frequently and cooking for myself a lot - slipped a little this week because of the new job and helping my friend Jewels with her show that goes out to the public schools next week.

Spring, once again is starting early with the boys of Tally. I've gotten a lot of attention lately, but unlike the past I have stayed a bit more detached and aloof. I haven't had "sex sex" since December and I am looking to keep up the "good work."

I went to a friend's wedding on New Year's Day and ran into all sorts of people, including Prince. In this context, I felt very much like a new person in old skin, inhibited by my situation and unable to be fully who I am now because of what they remember of me then. I don't know how many times I was left to my own devices and how many times I was abandoned in mid conversation for something or someone else more interesting. Most of all it made me sad for them, sad for the people I once tried so hard to excite, entertain, love... I will never be enough for them, even as momentary company. It made me sad for them because they will never have what I have with Twin, L'Bergique, Jewels, Peach, Momma (and her boys) - - and the fact, to be a bit self aggrandizing for a moment, that they will never get the chance to know the real me because they are too caught up in their own foolishness to notice anything other than themselves. I saw the same tricks being pulled that I saw four years ago, but thanks to a bit of acquired wisdom, I chose not to play the game. Oh, and to toot my horn a little more, I looked pretty fucking delicious - eat your heart out folks. - - - Remind me to tell you about the letter Prince sent me "for my birthday," I need some help devising a response.

Advice and commentary from L'Bergique is always something my brain munches on like cow's cud. It revolves through my head on a daily basis and is really responsible for a lot of my internal monologue as of late. Things to think about that I'll pass on:
1) Cooking is the sincerest form of taking care of someone, including yourself. It can be a cathartic experience and it is a ritual that has lasted for thousands of years - the action of people providing for the most basic of needs for themselves and others. Investing the time to cook for yourself and thinking about how you are actually taking care of yourself by doing so is an interesting thought to gnaw on - one that I have really enjoyed and am trying to put into practice. Please pass on all your favorite recipes.
2) Friends are like parts of a tree. a) some are leaves, they provide you with nourishment, inspire movement, change, etc but are the least dependable part of your network of friends. When the weather turns cold they depart, and we must let them. We cannot hold onto them beyond their time, or we will not be able to grow new relationships, emotionally killing ourselves to maintain something that shouldn't be. (Trees with brown leaves in the Spring are dead). b) Some people in your life are like branches, more permanent than leaves, but still flimsy under the right circumstances, people that are more sturdily placed within your life but still have the potential to depart. c) some people are like roots, they ground you, replenish you, provide for you and reach deep creating a substantial network on which you can always rely. These pieces work also in a ratio leaves being the most abundant and roots being the least. - - I've expanded this to more than just friends in my life, but to most things. When something has lots its utility allow it to go be useful to someone else.
3) This is something I came up with on my own, but I feel like it's too similar to put in another section. I was going through the drive through at Wendy's and I paid with my debit card. For some reason this spurred a thought: By paying little money for low quality quick food now, I will have to pay in other ways when I am older, namely with my health. So this adage arose: Life is like a credit card, what ever you charge you must pay off at some point, sometimes with interest. The six minutes it took for them to sell and serve to me this death burger will turn into hours in a doctors office being tested for heart problems, hundreds of dollars in fees and medicine, and a life of discomfort from being overweight. This idea has morphed into many parallel thoughts but the crux is, only "buy" what you can pay for and investing in yourself, through whatever means possible will have great returns where lack of investment creates innumerable deficit.

Also, all of the music I have been listening to has really been speaking to me. It feels a little weird but good. I hope you are all taking the time you need for yourself, it's SO worth it.

Love to you all
AA

What News?

This week has been all awash with good things - with a few bleh things mixed in... to make the less good things feel better - the picture would be nothing without contrast, yeah?

So- let us review:

Came back to Tally Sunday night saw a friend's recital which was nice,

Monday was fairly unimpressive, though I had a better therapy session where I seem to have conveyed my message more accurately to my voice therapist. My rehearsal with my accompanist was a little iffy at best and I finished out the night by seeing the Social Network - which was interesting

Side note: I am not, nor have I ever been or hope to be, invested in facebook as a feature of my life nor do I view it as an extension of myself - it is a website that helps me keep in contact with people and play games when I have nothing else I want to do. I believe that this is the healthy way to view said website as it is only six years old and should not have the ability to debilitate a person or persons from normal function.

Tuesday: My lesson was bobo, work was alright, I got a letter with enclosed cd from Prince... odd we'll discuss the letter once I know what the hell it says... I don't remember his handwriting being this hard to read, and I got some new music in the mail direct from a composer in Texas!! Continuing the musical theme, I saw a concert in the newly remodeled Ruby Diamond Concert Hall - which was quite nice. Finally to finish the evening I went to someone's house to "sleep" - - I knew it was a booty call before I even opened the message, but I wanted my movies back, he wanted to see me - - win win? yes.

Wednesday: Therapy again was not a pain, I worked the International Programs fair, got to rub elbows with some important people while sharing my passion for studying abroad to about 15 or 20 students, saw a lot of purple people, got booed or mooed at for some reason (possibly because I was wearing purple), Went to Spanish Club and didn't totally forget everything I learned over the years (first time I've spoken Spanish since last spring) Had dinner with VampChamp - we had a fantastic conversation and just an all around good time. Post dinner I went to a Pride Student Union event at Aladdin's - - - and then had company, which didn't end in anything substantial but I didn't mind.

Thursday: My voice was tired from all the talking on Wednesday but I made it through work with a very special visit from ChromeDiva my recently retired boss. I had my first appointment with a personal trainer (I'm going to look hot by Peach's wedding... maybe - it's a goal at least), Saw three amazing houses that I will not be able to afford but that are close enough to being budget-able that I can taste them, and capped the day off with a little bit of speaking french and rehearsing with my accompanist. Voice = Done.

Friday: Canceled my lesson, ate lunch with a hottie older friend of mine - - who paid for lunch (whaaat does that mean?) I called the local music store that was supposed to call me back on Monday about some music that I ordered - a good friend that works there helped me and we discovered my music arrived TODAY!! went and picked it up - perused a shop or two in Market square. Came home and sat around a little and shot the breeze with L'Bergique - - After a sufficient respite from the world I went to the Greek Food Fest with the womb mates and had AMAZING food. After running into Eesh and most of the seniors in my program and feeling a little forgettable and blah I ran into one of my awesome friends who we'll call Jewels, made plans to hang at Mockingbird which was followed by Fin's and wrapped up the night pretty well.


All week I've made an effort to be around people that make me feel good about myself and what I am doing (though I did miss my Momma, Mix and MacGee time this week, as well as the absence of Twin but we'll be seeing each other this weekend). It really has been helpful and uplifting, and I even left out some of the best news, I got an INTERVIEW!!!! So, send me good vibes and prayers - I'll take whatever positive energy you've got to spare. Send it my way pleeeeease

Love to you all
AA

Connected or Confused?

So, my dear ones, I have been the busiest of bees lately. My life wouldn't be any good if it was slow though, so I'm not complainin'.

Went to the TALC gala with the crew and some new people, some of whom you will hear of later... maybe multiple times, this I say with fingers crossed and knocking on wood. I spent the better part of the beginning of this month partying, I'm pretty sure my brain and my liver are a little the worse for ware. I told a boy via text I wanted to kiss him = fail; and he didn't respond and hasn't since = epic fail. However, this has been the only real stumble in the department of gentlemen.

The TALC gala and the people entailed outlining my most recent "successes." I have spent a lot of time with Momma recently, which has been nice - I don't get to see her all that much during the year, and I have been added to the gay circle of Momma's friend M'Lin. Eesh is in the summer class I am taking, and I got to go out with Twin the other day - so all my ladies are around. Hoping to visit Peach and Aid before the end of next month, depending on available funds! But anyway, you asked for juice, and for once, I have something juicy to tell... mostly anyway.

So, I meet two of Momma's other friends, people who have moved out of the Tallahassee phase of their lives and gone on to professions etc: Chem: a very tall, smart, cute and fantastic man; Phur: Very nice, cute, considerate and wonderful man; and PhotoOp: he. is. gorgeous. when I saw him, I thought WOW, how can all that pretty be in one man? but that is just the tip of the iceberg - he is smart, sweet, and .... I wish he didn't live so far away.

So, I got to spend time with these lovely people,( Momma, Mix, MacGee, M'Lin, and the Men) over the week leading to the gala, all great lovely people who have know each other for years and then... me. I fit in pretty well when we had dinner together though, I get extra-friendly feedback from PhotoOp, which made me feel nice, but I didn't suspect anything.

We went out later that week after they had a rehearsal for the gala and I for Chicago; Chem, Momma and I where the only ones who ended up going; we had a great time - a boy tried to tell them how much he was in love with me while I was at the bar... awkward.... but the new look went over well. People asked if I was working out or had lost weight.... no, friends, haircut and a beard. But anyway, we escaped loverboy and made it home where we talked until 4 am or so. Chem had been flirting with me a little during the night, but subtly, and so I took it to mean nothing. I slept at Momma's because it isn't super close to my house and I didn't want to drive home. Shortly after we'd gone to bed, Chem sent me a facebook message asking me to join him: since I have a bobo phone, I didn't get it until the next day... but wooo, win!!! I felt good about myself that I had caught the eye of someone so cute and smart.

Anyway, Momma tells me the next day PhotoOp was upset he missed out on the clubbing experience, because he wanted to spend time with ME!! DOUBLE WIN in the saaaame day. So we go to the gala and I make it a point to talk to PhotoOp, Chem is otherwise occupied and is not Chilean with beautiful hazel eyes. He stays pretty aloof which is fine and we go through the night fairly platonically. I run into an ex, Prince... and exes of his... awesome. Finally the video-watching and performances end and it's PARTY TIME!!!!

We headed to Mix and MacGee's and have a great time with the cast of characters and then PhotoOp asks me to take him home, so his ride can turn in early.... DUH, I said yes. blah blah blah, fast forward, take him home after about an hour of just the two of us talking and he gets ready to get out of the car, then mumbles something like, "I just have to...." leans in and kisses me. I was surprised but quickly more interested in the reality, this beautiful man kissing me. This persisted for some time.... then he said he should go inside, somehow it came up that I had a place in town too where he could stay, he waffled but eventually came home with me. And the rest... is available on a need to know basis ;)

He's gone now and we have had a few messages pass between us, but I am pretty sure that will all dissolve in a week or so. I really want to know more about him though.... and by know more, I mean, I almost itch to see him..... but simultaneously, my head says you barely know him. I'm trying to strike a reasonable balance between the two: my head and heart - I'll keep you posted. But for now, I am trying to keep it light and easy, and talk to him for as long as he'll talk to me. I have no desire to be taxing or to be taxed; this summer diversion might be just that, or may develop into friendship or... something else. I will be happy with whichever of the options occur.

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Turning the page:

I LEAVE FOR PARIS SOOOOO SOON! I am exceptionally excited. That's all I can really say about it. I am going to start reviewing grammar etc for the tests we take when we get there, but more than that, I am just basking in the glow of excitement and expectation.

I also have had a great deal of God smiling on me lately, providing for me in inconceivable ways and letting me know He is there. Comforting to know that I'm being watched over and provided for.

Additionally, thank God for each of you. Bless you and may God keep and protect you in times of prosperity and famine. I feel so lucky to have each of you in my life. Love to you all,
-AA

P.s. soon, there will be a post about who's who in my blog and why they are named as they are.