Out loud

I guess this doesn't really count as out loud - but - I have to say it somewhere that isn't thin air....

I feel... emptied.

All of my fragment are fighting and I can't get any part of myself to just be still.

I want to talk about everything at once - So I guess either I should blog more often or get some sort of way of organizing my thoughts before I sit down to write.

So... I haven't really written much this month - and that's okay, I wouldn't say much has happened. Other than my birthday - I turned 24 this year, an age which doesn't feel too terribly much older than I did at 22 or 23 but I would like to say that this year I have grown, or perhaps just realized that the figurative shoe no longer fit, so I went in search of a new pair. I think I've walked around most of this year on mental bare feet. I have been the most honest with myself, and I have grown to like myself for who and what I am and the possibilities of my life.

The birthday festivities were nice, got to see Twin, Eesh, and a few others on the weekend, Mix, MacGee on my birthday and then many people at the knock-down drag-out house party the Saturday after my birthday. I stayed in bed until 4 on Sunday afternoon.

This week has had its roller coaster moments. I've been singing well, made it to both my voice therapy appointments, went to a new place called Urban Thread on Monroe. And I am fairly happy with the way my office and bed room have turned out ( I got them all shined up for the party) - office and bathroom still need work and a lot of the house is lacking art, but I will work on that little by little. Interspersed within the highs were some pretty weird lows - Eesh has been a bit of a user lately, coming to me only when she needs things. I was talking to her the other day and she wasn't even paying attention to me, like she had something better to do... and maybe she did, but it hurt my feelings. I feel like I have been shooting a little toward the negative side lately - I keep letting myself get sucked in and it's something I am trying to get out of my system. My teacher probably hates me this week because I ditched half of my recital music because it sucked... that was a fun conversation.

All in all I think it goes back to my lack of stability and structure. I need to start building my structure and time with people who can help me recuperate from whatever has/is draining my energy. I'm still giving too much away "for free" to guys... time to reign it in, Gypsy Rose. I have spent far too much of my time in bed with boys lately and it hasn't really gotten me anything but a sinking feeling of superfluousness.

My life, I have come to realize, is very cyclical. I go through periods of time when I am full and happy to times when I feel like there's nothing left to scrape from the bottom of my emotional barrel. The lesson I seem to be trying to teach myself this week, coming to the place where I have gotten too old to flounce around like a fresh out of the closet fairy, is that a body doesn't make you less lonely. That is to say that having someone to "help you out" isn't really all that necessary and what is is someone who will be there for all the other parts of your life.

Beau has been on my mind a lot lately - I wonder if I am making him too much of an ideal character, if I like him because he's far away from me, or what the deal is.... what I do know, that in no way is speculation, is that he makes me feel loved, safe and attractive - and I am attracted to him. What I don't know is how, if ever, it will work. I also think I can bank on the fact that he likes me and would feel some sort of pang if I was seeing someone else. I called him for his birthday and had a male friend in the car with me - Beau did a little interrogating to make sure said friend was only a friend and made lite of the situation by saying that he was making sure he shouldn't feel jealous. That feels nice to think about. I'm still lonely, my cats are only so cuddly at night... I want someone special to hold and I feel like Beau has a lot of potential.

But anyway, I have to sing in the morning, Off to bed for me.

Love to you all,
AA