Helpful Hurt

Sometimes things you find out are helpful and hurtful simultaneously.

I just got off the phone with Beau.

I texted and called a few days ago, with no response. A little pang, but I was okay. I called him tonight and he didn't answer, I wasn't surprised.... until twenty minutes later he called back. I almost didn't answer, but I did, and the proceeding conversation felt very hollow. Empty of what I wanted. Along the way he told me he's been seeing someone, which I guess I already knew. Hearing it was a little hard - I want to say Thank God I didn't tell him how I'd been feeling, that I think about holding his hand sometimes and I really have never felt as comfortable or important in someone else's arms, but at the same time I really would like to tell him that. I've never been good at keeping my feelings to myself and often that alienates people.... just as much or more than bottling them up inside myself.

I wondered after we hung up why I am alone - it's partially because I need to be, partially because I want what I can't have, and partially because I spend too much of my time and energy on people that will never reciprocate what I give. All that being fun to think about, I wondered if I would continually be alone because I was dedicating my life to people who were happy without me in 'that' capacity.

Dinner alone then going out for a friend's birthday, then a movie. Sometimes thinkin's tough on a tender heart, but I also believe that this is a helpful reality and is yet another piece of myself I have discovered. Firstly, I need to stop thinking about dudes and get what's on my plate taken care of. Secondly, I need to buck up and realize that it's not all that bad being alone, and that friends help heal the little hurts you have. Finally, If you want something worthwhile you have to work for it, and any goal, with hard work can be achieved.

Sooo, I've just had the wind knocked out of me, but I think I'll be okay. Gonna go walk it off and see what shenanigans I can get into tonight!

Love to you all
-AA