Monogamy, Monotony, Quality and Quantity

So, dearest friends, it has been a while since I posted and oh the news there is to tell. The name of the post is really where my head is at right now -my thoughts staked into the ground by these four words....

Monogamy - so, my life has not really been associated with this word lately. I have been a ho in most senses of the word, minus the getting paid part (Though, I have recently considered being a houseboy in recent weeks). I find that it is something that I talk about, muse over, and ultimately say 'bollocks' to at this moment. In recent months, I haven't kept track, but I have entertained more than a few men with my physical charms. These actions were not necessarily because I craved the attention, or needed it even (not saying it didn't feel nice at the time) but I am a 'people pleaser'. One of these fellows I was pleasing happened to be infected... not with anything of an incurable nature, but I did get it. My first STI/STD, and I got it because I was trolling for ass - wanted the attention of someone; got it... and more than I ever bargained for. I've been treated, I should be fine. I got a full battery of tests done, some of which will come back later.... but through all of this I have been afraid. Who have I unnecessarily trusted and chosen to please and was it worth it? I would dare say for the most part the number of people I've extended trust to has been great and the worth of their time and the experiences had were small. With that in mind, I am putting out into the world this idea: No Sex New Year. i.e. no sex in 2011 including but not limited to sex, fooling around, etc. Kissing shall be permitted on a case by case basis. I have found that I feel like what I do in the bed seems to cheapen me in other areas of my life and I wonder if making that a non-issue will give me even more mental space to give to myself and the people I care about. - - This is just an idea, and I like alliteration so less sex new year sounded .... less fun, and it's a harder idea to enforce.

Monotony: my life has been running on a bit of a loop in many different ways over the past year(s), (shockingly I have grown more than any other stage in my life) and I am thinking of breaking cycles. 1) I talk a lot about things I want, about myself, my needs, dreams, desires, experiences, wishes etc - - sometimes when I am listening to myself talk, I find it annoying. I wonder if people hear the "I" driven speech that sounds so selfish to my ears. 2) I procrastinate - one of the reasons I didn't "pass" or "fail" my jury was because I had procrastinated. I procrastinated because of fear of the unknown, available distractions, lack of interest in the material, and the predisposition to wait until the 11th hour to complete a task because traditionally that works. Procrastination needs to come to an end as does letting fear of knowing the magnitude of an issue stopping me from finding out what I am dealing with. There are several things that I have ignored for fear that they are too big or too ugly for me to handle - each has turned out to be more than manageable and if they had been addressed early would have been a non-issue. 3) the move toward mutual investment: I need to stop , and have in many cases, investing in those who are not mutually invested in me. There are other things but that leads quite well into -

Quality & Quantity: It would seem that there is and always has been a sort of co mingled definition of the two words. Bigger is better, More is better, Wider is better - all imply that intrinsic goodness is synonymous with size or quantity. More is not an indicator of quality, depth, necessity, or any term of value - it is just a larger amount. (what happened to everything in moderation? just like less sex new year, it's longer and is less fun to say). My hope is that in the coming months that I spend quality, invested, important time with those I love. That I reciprocate their investment in me. (I thought about, for the first time today, what it would feel like to be my mother and not feel reciprocation and or appreciation of the time, financial, and emotional investment made in her child - I feel like I don't reciprocate enough...) I also realize that it is easier for me to make a scheduled time to see about/visit with the people I care about. My life is over-regimented, and I easily let things run overtime and forget to call or make time for people who I really actually do want to see. The idea of practicing music and language also plays into this area of thought. They are things that I enjoy and am good at, but in order to be a professional there needs to be a balance of both quality and quantity of time spent.




My thoughts are breezing through my head like trains in Grand Central, I am feeling a reawakening of creativity and a resurgence of hope for the future. Many seeds to possibilities have been planted, and I am excited to see what they grow into. I have never felt more adult than I do right now. I am ready for what comes to me, I feel equipped to deal with it and make arrangements with a positive unconquerable attitude.

I hope you are staying warm, in your homes and hearts. Chins up! The world can only defeat you if you let it.

Much much MUCH love to you all,
AA