Twin text

As my posts are so oft, this is a collection of all things of consequence - the crux of my thoughts. I was struck recently when I read Twin's blog and really felt like we, in some respects, are truly twin spirits. This is a fragment I have been stuck to like a worry stone, passing it through my mental fingers, turning it over and over in my imagination's hands.

"...Pieces of her world would be empty soon as well. Great big pieces. For someone so seemingly full of life, sadness always seemed able to creep in and sit down with her..."

I saw her today, we were on the same page before we even talked. It isn't the holidays approaching or anything circumstantial that has brought us to where we are - it's a jumping off point. We are at the end point, and thus beginnings must be planned - time to make ends meet, in all possible senses of the cliche.

I feel strange inside - disturbed, but not in a check me into an institution sort of way. I am uncomfortable - ideas whizzing through my head, thoughts out of order, difficulty creating sense of the entropy in my mind. Pieces of my life, the identity I have created for myself, will soon be part of my past and no longer part of my present. With those absent pieces pulling away from me, the gaps are filling with a bit of melancholy. Don't be confused, I still find myself hopeful but at this stage realism is necessary and with realism comes a tiny bit of bitterness and melancholy.

I made a list on yellow construction paper of my thoughts for my future (a rather cheerful color that I picked because it was close at hand and I had no other paper in the house - perhaps it will be symbolic at some point). My plan, at the moment, is to find a job, save money, develop my ideas into possible plans and clear my head of all the junk I've let collect in it over these past few months. When the dust has settled, something will come together - I can feel it.

Another thing that I can feel is an itch, something I've felt since I was a child and I am following that intuitive thought most especially now.... more on that when the time is right - and no, I'm not going to audition for American Idol or try to get my start on Broadway (...yet). Positive thoughts and requests for guidance are much appreciated and welcomed :)

SO MUCH Love to you all, I feel blessed to have you in my life!!
AA