My insides are all edges.

There was this mental picture that I had once of a singer whose voice did not shatter a glass but was, however, gifted with the voice that itself was shattering glass. Shards of glass proceeded out of a perfectly lipsticked red mouth that sat above a neck gently tanned and framed at its edge by a fat bright white Feather boa. The sound that accompanied this rather terrible scene was equally awful, like the screaming scrape of thousands of cars clashing - - - From that image arose the idea that her voice was all edges, and that meaning that everything about the noise that came from her throat was uncomfortable, unsettling, that it made you physically unable to sit still.

My insides are all edges today.

I feel crystalline and frustratingly fragile - which only exacerbates the ailment. Ill of my pieces are shattered fragments of ideas and aspirations and they are too jagged to pick up and put back together at the moment. Kind of like when the "bad" Terminator gets frozen and busted into pieces... but also like him, I will thaw, and meld back together having learned a little something about myself.

Where is this coming from, I am sure you are wondering. Well, as always, I am clowning around on the internet and I met someone. A nice someone who I thought could be someone fun to spend some time with and maybe something nice would come from it. - - Well, that wasn't quite what happened. We talked and we established that we just wanted to hang out, I said that we should grab lunch, he balked at the idea and said he'd prefer that I just came over because he was nervous about the idea of a date. (Hello, Red flag) Anyway, I went to his house to hang out, it was LATE we made out, things led down that physical road they always do, and we fooled around. That was Monday night, fast forward to today >> we haven't really talked all that much since we hung out and I really wanted to see how he was, etc. So I texted him... the crux of the conversation was that in hindsight having me over was a bad idea, he wasn't/isn't ready for a relationship and that he is innocent and would like to "stay that way" - - Those final words broke me into a thousand pieces. I felt like a dirty, disgusting whore who had forced myself upon this person who hadn't wanted everything that happened to occur (When I said I would come over, he said that the most he wanted was to kiss). In hindsight, looking at both the conversation and the actions that took place, I realize that he is ... maybe ashamed or... something and this in no real way is a reflection upon me. However, it reminded me that I am not a person that "does casual sex well." (Related side note: please watch the 'Sexy' episode of Glee and pay special attention to what Kurt's dad says to him about sex, I'll include a transcript at the end of the post but it's better if you watch it.) - - (And Jewels told me I'd need to find someone to have sex with if I was going to give up masturbation, lol... though she didn't say it had to be casual sex, maybe I should just deal with the desires and let myself get to know someone before jumping into bed. The point of Lent is to Learn... this will teach me that my will to abstain is greater than my fleshly desire.)

I am a person of attachment, and I have ignored that about myself for a little while now. To have detached casual sex with someone, I have to have very little feeling for them - and very little regard for how it effects them, or what they feel about me. I have been used before as a "means to an end" when I thought it was more than that and then imploded silently when the house of cards I had built tumbled down. - - I don't want to be the person that does that to other people, that gives them false hope in a relationship that will never be, and I don't want to pin myself to the will of someone else anymore either. All that being said, I've decided to be more thoughtful about what sex does to me... some people can do the detached thing, I can't, and I like that about myself. I am built to be emotional and invest in people, I am embracing that fact and loving it despite the challenges it causes me to face.

Other thoughts that have struck me since I last posted:

I was going to rehearsal and I saw a girl with blue hair in ill fitting clothing applying bright orange/red lipstick and I thought "why would you elect to present yourself that way, don't you at least want to try to look human?" - - From that seed arose the idea that maybe consciously or subconsciously she and other people like her do not want to be human, because of pain, difference, inability to fit in, desire to be as outwardly different as you are inwardly different. At any rate, it made me think of my future Children and all the things that I want to tell them... "Dearest unborn children, know that you never have to create a facade to get through life, no matter what the reason, there is nothing wrong with you just as you are and you need no shield to deflect the judgment of other people, to attract attention to yourself, or bolster you when you need courage because you are beautiful just as you are - never let anyone or anything tell you differently. If you want something, earn it. If you feel something, communicate it. If you want to be different out of your own inspiration, be what you wish to be - but don't shroud yourself in odd armor because it's what others have done before you to cover a lack of comfort with themselves. Find the truest you, embrace yourself for your assets and your faults, and never hide it."

Today as I was on the elliptical (at 7 am - yes, I have to pat myself on the back - - kudos to me for walking 4 miles this morning!!)there was a news story on fox and friends... I don't normally watch the new in general, much less Fox, but here is what they had to say:
There is no looting in Japan right now, even after such a terrible disaster, because within Japanese culture there is a sense of community that supersedes the desire to take care of only their personal needs and desires. In Haiti, and less recently in New Orleans, people looted because of a lack of community and a need or desire to create excess for themselves. - - I ask that you try to create a sense of community with your neighbors and within your city. Reach out. It isn't only in crisis that we are "all in this together," the entirety of our lives is spent in proximity to other people, reach out to them.



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All the ground has to get tilled up for new things to grow, so I guess this is just me getting tilled.... All in all, I think everything will turn out okay, or at least Momma thinks so! Love to you all

AA
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Dad: For most guys sex is just, you know....
this thing we always want to do.
You know, it's fun. It feels great.
But we're not really thinking too much about, you know,
how it makes us feel on the inside, you know, how the other person feels about it....

Kurt: Women are different?

Dad: Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical.
You know when you're intimate with somebody in that way, you're exposing yourself.
You know, you're never going to be more vulnerable
and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys...
Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who got in way too deep with a girl
who said she was cool with hooking up....

Kurt: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.

Dad: No, it's going to be worse.
Okay? Because it's two guys.
With two guys you've got two people who think sex is just sex.
It's going to be easier to come by... and once you start doing this stuff you're not going to
want to stop.
You just.... you gotta know that it means something.
You know, it's doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though
it feels like you are just having fun.

Kurt: So, you're saying I shouldn't have sex?

Dad: I think on your 30th birthday it's a great gift to give yourself....
Kurt, when you're ready I want you to be able to do... everything.
But when you're ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person.
Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter.... 'cause you matter, Kurt.

Blogging before bed.

I think that I will try to blog before bed each night... which may not last too long, because I have a feeling it might end up with me not making too much sense or falling asleep at the keyboard - but I enjoy putting things out there, clearing out the mental space.

Today, Momma and I had lunch and I asked a question that led to a conversation that was revealing for the both of us. I asked her about her dad, she's never really told me all that much about her family - but I felt bad that I know her so well and don't know anything about her father. The conversation drifted toward family and she mentioned her mom and I inquired about her dad. The conversation meandered along to through different things - my distance from my parents, feeling like friends could be better, lack of communication in American homes and Relationships in and outside the family, feeling like our parents don't really know us - mostly mine don't know me....

The crux of all of it really came to what I feel is the breakdown of communication between the people of America and something close to an indifference for others. I wonder if this thing that I am idealizing has ever even existed... Children have always been somewhat afraid to tell their parents the whole truth (unless you have the awesome luck to have "Those" parents you can tell anything and they just help you get through all the mess....) Regardless of its existence or lack there of, this trend has trickled on down to us. Our parents and grandparents and their inability to show their feelings and communicate them somehow lead to my family and others... granted, everyone isn't as hands off as my father, but I feel like men were encouraged to suppress their feelings - conform to the masculine social norm... I just wonder where this road will end.


(Tangent: )
Who the hell knows what it actually looks like to be a man, anyway? Society, for the most part, gets everything wrong - there is no behavioral prescription for Men or Women, there may be tendencies that are encouraged... (I sound like a tree-huggin, granola eatin' hippy... so what) There is more to life than putting people in a box to make yourself more comfortable. - - - I will never forget this group of bitter 35+ year old women sitting behind me at a restaurant having this conversation about this man that one of them was "interested in" - - she was tearing him apart in front of her friends saying that because he liked to bake he must be gay. I wanted to say "No ma'am, but what he will be doing is making some other woman happy for the rest of her life instead of someone as small minded and unappreciative of a good man as you." Ladies, let's be real here, it's it's the 21st century and categorizing people by the things they enjoy doing is a little bit closed minded - - If he was a cross-dresser, even then the gay issue might not be so clear please note Maryln Manson. (Not that I'd take him home to my mother... ) Everyone has things they like to do, and if it doesn't hurt you, them or anyone else in the process have a cultured enough prospective to give it a chance before you tear them down and perpetuate this box of acceptable activities for one sex or the other. Did she feel threatened or something? Didn't want to give up the apron and dish washing gloves? Whatever - - - All that being said, I think that men, just as much as women, have the freedom to explore any previously gender specific activity they want to and they shouldn't be judged for it. Additionally, I encourage you to communicate the best that you can with everyone you come across - even if it require iteration after iteration. Get your point across.

That being said - - Also see that everything that you do touches someone else. For better or for worse, how you live your life directly or indirectly effects thousands of people. Live like they matter...


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That all came out not quite like I had thought it might, which seems to be a problem for me lately. My ideas seem to intermingle and somehow run over each other in a stampede to get out of my fingers, which says to me I should write more so this doesn't happen so much - - and maybe I shouldn't be on a networking site whilst attempting to say anything of true depth. At any rate, I love each one of you, so very VERY much. I started rehearsals for a show... it should go up in May, I'll keep you posted on the details - - if this first rehearsal is any indication of what may come, there WILL be stories to tell. I already have one that I can't wait for you to read.

Love to you all,
AA

Goodnight, Grumbles.

Life is funny, the things that catch in your mental trap - things you never expected to capture, jewels fated to come into your path. - - So maybe I'm feeling a little overly romantic tonight, but what's wrong with that every now and again?

Tonight I saw I am number four, and I thought, for what it is - it was pretty good. And of all the things in the movie the idea that stuck with me most is that a place can be as cool as.... I don't know.... Las Vegas, but it's only as good as the people you know there. Tallahassee for all it's faults, hasn't sucked the life out of me yet because of all the beautiful people that fill my life. Thank you!!!

On another odd note, as I drove away from the theatre, I wondered if I were someone charged with saving the earth would I want to (ala Milla Jovovich in 5th element). This was sparked by an insistent car that wanted my stellar spot and had me pinned into it so that I couldn't get out comfortably. I find myself less and less impressed with the rise in selfishness of people as I get older. This... lack of ability to remove themselves from their own thoughts and momentarily take a mental journey in the life of the people their actions are effecting. The beauty and the curse of being human is that we all are connected, regardless of whether you would like to be or not, to all the lives we've ever come into contact with. You connect, on some level - surface to the deepest depths, with everyone you come across. And so many others that I have come across seem to be black holes - the ingest everything they can, greedy for even the things they do not need, because they are centrally focused. Anyway, It never ceases to get me off balance emotionally when someone is selfish and completely uninterested in seeing anything from a perspective that isn't their own. It frustrates me because I cannot relate... I do not understand that kind of life... and maybe they are frustrated by me because they can't understand me either. Whatever the case, if charged with saving the earth I would put great thought into what I was saving and if it was totally worth it.

Another thing that's kind of got me going lately is the idea that on, granted it's a bit of a sleazy website, people think that they can lay out this list of things that they do and do not like and expect someone to come along, accept their "demands" and actually talk to them. For example, things like "no fems because I don't deal with that bullshit" - wow, because everyone that is a little fem must be a giant ball of disgusting drama and should go shoot themselves in the face A.S.A.P. I'm not super fem, but I am a little bit... and I just feel like people aren't being realistic here. The popular thing is to say that you want to date someone masculine... well, let's just say that a lot of gays aren't that... so you'll be looking for Mr.Right for a hell of a long time if he has to be masculine, tall, built, smart, attractive, etc. I'm not saying that you can't have things that you want from a relationship and a partner, hell - I have high expectations, but I am saying that I smell some dog doodie here. My theory is that it's a display of not being comfortable with oneself, with the idea of actually falling in love with another man, and just not being open minded in general. It's important that all people, despite what they look like and how fem or butch they may be feel like they are loved, or could be... Self-loathing is so 20th century, how many people need to have an eating disorder or kill themselves before we realize that it's up to us to say this is "Bullshit." You have to live in your own skin forever, you need to arrive at a mental place where you love, embrace and are fully aware of who you are - I'm not endorsing arrogance, but I am saying a little self-confidence never hurt anyone, and it's sexy. I've never met a sexier man than one that is all himself all the time and isn't sorry for it. ( - - - To that end I have stopped apologizing for things I do not believe are my fault) But anyway, short story of all that is stop putting negative energy out there people - you can have a list, I guess... just don't start off with that, and let it be fluid, realize that ideal is nice but you may find something that isn't at all what you thought you wanted, but is EXACTLY what you needed if you let yourself be flexible.



Right after I posted on Monday the douche texted, we went out and had drinks Monday night - - he's pretty cute and not bad to talk to in person. He's a little more noticeably fem to me than other guys that are "like him" - anyway, I got a little wastey and flirted a little, but nothing overt. The girl he brought along kind of ended up with the bad kind of drunk and I'm a little thankful because the night might have ended quite differently if I hadn't been shewed away by this crazy girl who didn't want me to see her vomit... cute, yeah? Anyway, I landed safely in bed - little too drunk for a weeknight AND my alarm didn't ring the following morning. I was an hour late to work, I'm SO glad they are so chill. I texted douchey boy and said I had a good time, he didn't reeeally say he did but I don't care all that much. We'll see if he calls anytime soon. I'm not holding my breath or holding back from two boys I met recently, one of them is SUPER cute and seems very sweet - and he's taller than me, which is rare but nice to have. I won't say more than that because I am already mentally getting us a domestic partnership in my head and I need to stop with the expectations foolishness I always seem to create in my head.

I got a haircut, it's pretty short - but when I looked in the mirror this morning I felt like I looked like a man. I felt kind of foxy. My face is a little thinner from more exercise and eating better. For Lent I am going to give up Fast Food, Porn, Liquor and Masturbation. I'm going all out this year. I feel like the hardest of them might be the Fast food, to be honest.... Wish me luck on making it to Easter, I really do feel like this is a good time to be without all those things, they are holding me back.

Sorry for my rambling rumblings and goodnight grumblings. Hope it made, at least, some sense. Now it's all blessed and released. I challenge you to bless and release something today, give it up to God, the universe, whatever thing you choose. Realize that you don't have to carry it with you - get it out there and let it go - feeling pretty zen right now, Love to you all!!

AA

Work and a Jerk.

So - I've been feeling seven kinds of prickly since Friday night. L'Bergique is being kind of a child, which is to be expected and not entirely annoying - he's just passive aggressive which is a little irritating. Most of my pricklyness stems from a certain dude that is in law school here - who is a bit of a duchebag - but long story short, I expected more of him than he could deliver and I got disappointed. So said dude, who I am not giving a name because I just don't want to, has dodged me right and left while promising to hang out with me and finally last night I got the balls to tell him about it. The conversation ended in silence on his end, it was via text... of course, but anyway - I won. I said what I needed to say and I don't have anything to apologize for, and I feel like I've got the power, damnit! (You would think this a good time for " I got the power" by Snap, but surprisingly the lyrics don't quite say what I would like for them to, sooo there you go! <---- this was what I came up with to musically encompass my thoughts)


I'm not up for anymore daily doses of bullshit, you know?


Tidbits of life you should know about: 1) I am enjoying my job a lot, working with Momma everyday is fun - tough making it on time every morning, but I find the energy somewhere to pry myself out of bed and go. 2) I went to the gym almost every day last week, skipped Sunday and Wednesday. But, that's a victory in itself - I feel better about my body and I can't wait to see what I look like in a couple months. I really want to love myself when I am not covered up with clothes. Which sounds odd, but it's something I've always been uncomfortable with. 3) which kind of leads to the fact that lately from a couple different directions I've been encouraged to love myself for who I am, exactly what I am, where I am and not try to present some sort of front - a stylized version of myself that is designed for mass consumption. I don't particularly want to be consumed by masses.... (28 days later, yikes) so, I think I can get with the embracing what I am.*
4) I am still trying to devise a time to blog, to that end I am going to start using more of my time wisely and invest in myself more - doing things that help me, like cooking and blogging, etc.
5) I was challenged to think of what it is that home means, what is it that defines it? Parts of the rituals that take place there - like cooking - there is something organic about that that I think is essential to making a house a happy home.
6) I am supposed to take the GRE in about a week and I haven't really studied. I think this could be a not so great thing. If I say no between now and next Wednesday to anything, it is more than likely because I have to study for the GRE. Booo, dislike.
7) I have been thinking a lot about the words that come out of my mouth lately. Momma was saying the other day that she says "God Damnit" and would like to stop, which made me think... gosh I say that too... among other things. I would like to eliminate certain words like "lame" and "retarded" out of my slang vocab, they perpetuate the negative feeling around these words and I don't like that.
8) The past two weekends with friends have been AWESOME!! Last weekend with Momma, MacGee, and Peach and this weekend with Twin, Mr.N, Hillz, MinniVann, VampChamp and others. I have great friends and am so thankful for them!!
9) You can love to do something and be terrible at it... but just because you are terrible and you know it, doesn't mean you shouldn't do something that brings you joy. Also, don't confuse being good at something a substitute for loving it - just because you have a talent for something doesn't mean you have to do it, or should make yourself if you aren't enjoying what you are doing.
10) I've been trying to read my Bible daily, and there is something odd about it. It seems like I literally put things on top of it that use up the time that I could devote to reading it. For example, my laptop. For months, when I would go to bed, I would put my laptop on my Bible - then I realized this literal manifestation of the idea of the world getting in the way of God and I moved my Bible to the other side of the bed, it's been sitting open, waiting for me ever since. I've read it once in the past week and I skipped church this week... which I do not plan to repeat next weekend. Positive vibes appreciated.
11) I found a little dresser I liked this weekend at Good Finds Tallahassee.... I might go visit it this week and buy it. Eeek!
12) I think I found a house to live in next year! We will probably tour it this week if all goes well and then maybe we'll have a place to live - - YAY!


Love to you all, Hope you find Joy, Spunk, and Verve in your day - Embrace all of yourself, live within the person that you are, find the fullness of yourself and hug it! You might find corners of yourself that you love, some that you don't, but all of it is part of the wonderful person that is YOU - we strive to be better everyday, but that doesn't mean we have to loathe what we are to change. Love yourself, I do :)

AA

undeveloped utterance

The world is spinning fast as ever and life hasn't really allowed me the time to scrape together toughts and arrange them neatly, in order, in the pristeen prose I strive to present - with a little alliteration lending life. - - - I promise I have things to share, and since Time isn't making the time for me to make it happen, It would seem it's up to me.

I am currently falling asleep as I try to compose this post.

Love to you all,
AA