Spring has Sprung

.... and apparently I as a human, am not immune to the animalistic desires that arise in spring time..... Cue "Let's get it on" - two boys in my bed in less than 24 hours - dear me, I believe the hoe is back. (My friend Eesh used to say "You my friend, but you my hoe friend" - being a hoe can be fun, but I don't think that's quite the direction I want to go right now... ;) maybe)

In other news, I keep forgetting that I gave up liquor for Lent and God keeps thumping me for my forgetfulness. (I also gave up hamburgers, which I seem to fare better at remembering not to partake of...) Anyway, this last instance in which I forgot that I was abstaining from alcohol was quite the interesting night, definitely worth recounting.

I went kind of like this plus or minus a few things:

I got home from rehearsal and was wiped out, I was supposed to go out with this guy I had met online and talked to a few times. He seemed nice enough but was a talker... but in the annoying way. So, he convinces me to come out against my better judgment.

I traipse all the way out to north Tally to meet him. In the mean time I pass several open burger joints and remember my promise to God while looking for the crackers I know are somewhere in my car (Dinner was almost seven hours ago and it was very small.... You can guess where this is going). I get to the bar, he's drinking a Martini so I decide to have one also. Then we get another round, and another until I am what you might call "shit faced." - he intelligently doesn't fish his third, so I try to.... bad choice number two of the night, or three if you count coming out as a bad choice ( I would like to implant in your vernacular B.L.D. - signifying Bad Life Decision, you know you love it). I try to take him home... not knowing exactly where he lives... and then we end up at my house. Things at this point get fuzzy. What I do know is that I think that I turn on the water heater but instead turn off the Furnace, so we froze all night long and I took a frigid shower the next day. I fell into my bath tub, yanking down the shower curtain, not once dear friends, but twice and managed to vomit on the shower curtain.... hot. This is where the night got messy. He tried to "help" me by forcing me to the toilet to vomit. I do not like to be "helped" or man handled when drunk, so that didn't go over well. I made my way to the kitchen, fending him off as I went, to put the shower curtain in a trash bag. Threw-up out of my back door - in my underwear.... aaaaand generally made a fool of myself in front of this man.

The next day, I was hung over all. day. long. I threw up at home, at work and almost did so everywhere else. I chauffeured Mr. Talks-a-lot home and he has been calling me ever since.... weird. (I would ignore my existence like the plague if I were him...) it was a miraculous event that I made it through a whole 3 hour rehearsal without vomiting again. - God, I got the message, no Liquor til the end of Lent.

Spring break has come, thank Jesus. I rewarded myself with a pair of cow boy boots at Good Finds Tallahassee (for 15 bucks!) and Antiquing all day Saturday like the true doily draped dame I am inside. I am an old cat-totin' granny, let's be real. An odd little paradox, however, is that I have worn those boots non-stop since I got them, and they make me feel like I finally got one of the things I have wanted my WHOLE LIFE. I am like a little kid when I put them on and simultaneously like the hairy chested, cigarette smokin', gun slingin' cowboys that I always thought were the pinnacle of masculinity. Hot. So in short I'm a Kid-Granny, Hairy chested-Doiliy collecting, Gun totin/Cat cuddling Gay man. - - - and what's more important is not what I am, but that I like it.

Other retail therapy took place Sunday when Mom took me to Belk and got me two very cute Lacoste Polos for 50% off... they are perfect for spring!! and, though I am not a Label Licker - I have never owned a Lacoste shirt... so I felt kind of cool and special walking out of the store with them in my bag (wearing my cowboy boots.)

I don' feel like a train wreck anymore and I feel okay with who I am an where I am going. School is still kind of on the back burner, but I am working on getting that together. I feel the gym coming in my near future.... I went to the beach on Sunday afternoon and saw the usual gentlemen that make you want to kill them for their statuesque perfection and take them home with you to have your way with them.... I say this periodically, but I really just want to feel good about the way I look, so, time to do something about it.

Apparently this is a period of personal growth that I have stumbled upon. Surprise!

I am not going to Atlanta this week so that I can properly say goodbye to Aid, a beautiful person and a MAJOR player in the restructuring of my post-Gem life and, possibly, welcome Lex if she comes - - - this means I cannot see Peach, her new serious beau ( kudos, darlin' ) or any of my other ATL friends, but I will be sure to make a trip after the opera!


Suffice it all to say that my life is a little messy, my methods a bit unusual, and my head and heart are in transition but I am happy and loving myself and being alive. I am working on myself daily and not every day is a good one, but over all, I can still laugh and love who I am at the end of the day.

Wishing you all the very best, missing each of you and sending you love, prayers and mischief. ;)

-AA

Realizations and Reactions

Sometimes God brings you to a place in life where you realize something heavy about yourself, a sobering fact that maybe you noticed before in the quiet moments, in the shadow of the day when the sun stretches its veils across the dimming sky. In recent days, something that I had only seen in the vaguest of detail came into focus. I am selfish. - - - In all seriousness selfishness is not quite as bad as your blue haired sunday-school teacher told you, but in this cause I feel a great necessity to rectify this fault of character where my friends are concerned. I have realized that there are periods of time when I put friends down and forget about them, hide them in a box and put them in the obscure corners of my mind. This revelation revealed my lack of ability to trust people... There really is no one that I have let all the way in, though Gem was getting close - and I think that's why I was so effected by the separation - and since have felt as if I were continuting life but feeling nothing. The point being that I have a tendency to keep people at arms length and in that distance allow myself to leave my friends behind in times when I am busy making the excuse that I am "too busy" when, since returning to the life of a bachelor, I spend most nights sitting on my couch alone. I have decided that I do invest in people quite a bit of myself and my time, but it is not the full bredth of my ability and the reason I cannot say that I have a "best friend" is because I have never allowed myself to be close enough to someone to have such a relationship.

All that being said, I have elected to examine my relationships here in T-nasty and decide which are worth spending more time on - creating a closer and more meaningful relationship- and which are not. The people who are my true friends deserve more and the people that aren't... well... don't. My goal is to increase time spent with friends and make lasting and unforgettable bonds that cannot be places in boxes or corners and as this is my last semester here, there are only very few moments left to make such connections.

With love,

AA


P.s. - I forgot to mention in my last post that my character in the opera is Persian and you know what that means! BRING ON THE SUN TAN LOTION ;) ( My little white bottom will be brown by March) I am excited about this project of obtaining tan skin - I look pretty good with one, if I do say so myself.

Ash Wednesday - Ashes and Embers

This post is a cliffnotes version of the past few days/weeks:

This Week:

Valentine's Day was lovely, I met a man from Paris online and we talked for the better part of the afternoon. Valentine's Night was a little less bright and cheery - half-empty beds don't make for the snuggliest of sleeping.

I sang for Graham Johnson, one of the most famous accompanists and vocal coaches of all time. He didn't love my performance, but I thought, for me, it was a performance to be proud of.... and I got more than a few compliments about my attire and stage presence. (FYI: I love me a good paisley tie... I think I have four in various color schemes - I wore the green and navy blue one that night) (People also said I looked good today, which made me feel quite nice)

I finally sent my application for the program I have been looking at in Spain. I am applicant number 1877 - which means that there is hope that I will get the grant to teach there for 8 months (October - May) but I might not.... So, I'm going to send all the additional paperwork and then I will find out in April whether I am accepted or not for this coming school year. If I am not, I am not really sure what my plans will be - but I guess we'll cross that bridge in April.

Another future travel update: I am going to Paris for most of July! I'm so EXCITED!! I make my final payment in a few days! I am looking for a flight etc, I want to go early but I don't know anyone there so I'd have to get a hotel or hostel for that amount of time.

Life is full of new plans and things coming together. I have decided that I am no longer able to avoid studying as I usually do and that weekends will soon start being devoted to homework to allow for less stressful and hectic week days.

I fell short of my plan to learn my Debussy set for my recital on or before Valentine's Day, so I am trying to wrap that up in short order, though I think I might leave Debussy for a while and learn some of the Hoiby that I have been assigned. 'To an isle in the water' sounds pretty interesting and quite a change of pace from what I have been working on so far this semester.

The opera has begun, we've already staged act one and started act two tonight. The going is tough, and it looks like I am going to have to buckle down here too. - An upside: I get to play a Persian man which means I have an excuse to get a great tan or even go to the tanning bed and I get to be funny and cute, hopefully I can avoid wearing the rehearsal skirt, or any skirt for that matter, for the rest of the run. Note to self: Don't be a Drag Queen.

French is kicking my beeeeehind. I am currently talking to three of my friends about meeting to practice conversing in French with each individually as well as starting to attend the student groups that meet weekly for French and Spanish. My conversational skills are not quite up to par, as noted by one of my teachers especially, so in order to get the grade I want I have to work harder.

To graduate Cum Laude, I need to bring my GPA up, which means it is time to get serious about school - and everything else... unfortunately.

I need to find a job for April through June that I can return to in August - October.... if anyone has any ideas, they'd be extremely appreciated.

Musings of the week:

Lucy Ho, Tallahassee's own restauranteur and Costume Mistress of the Florida State Opera Company, said that this is a bad year for us kids born in '86. (the year of the Tiger? - I think) and I have to give it to her, this year, thus far has been a year of much trial and tribulation but more than those things, internal discovery and growth. - - - I have discovered that I am not as comfortable with myself or others as I once thought. This is something that I am working on and trying to augment a bit. - - - Today in the car on the way back from Wal-Mart I was listening to a song (that I can't seem to find online right now) that talked about how two men view the same girl who sings the song and how one thinks she's perfect and wonderful and the other just seems to put up with her. She says one guy finds her irresistible. This thought gave me pause, I have never been or felt irresistible to anyone. For a moment I was sad and thought about how nice it would be to illicit such feelings from someone then I thought to myself this is something that should be remedied! Why am I always the one to invest everything and go bankrupt at the end of the day? It is far past the time that someone should invest in me in such a way that I feel loved, wanted, appreciated and above all irreplaceable.

Along those same lines, today marked the end of a second week without seeing Gem. At our last dinner there was a palpable disconnection between us, I don't know how I feel about him... he just exists and though he said he wanted to remain close and continues to say so, he makes no effort to maintain any sort of relationship with me. We have made countless sets of plans that he has bailed on and said "sorry, ...." insert sad excuse for a reason. I am quite through with "sorry" - the truth of the matter has always been and remains that if something or someone is important to you, you think of them and make time for them. I see no evidence that this is happening and thus, my hand is forced. I have decided to allow him to come to me whenever he pleases, but I will try to decrease effort on my end to a bare minimum, at this point he has fallen short in all ways possible and lacks the desire to truly make me feel worth his time and energy.

As it is Ash Wednesday, Lent begins - I am giving up Hamburgers and Liquor - a very sad trend for me lately has been to sneak off to McDonalds or some other place to get fast food when I get hungry. The weight I have managed to somehow lose will find me once again if I stay on said track - but more importantly, I think that it's time to think about the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and choose to make a sacrifice myself.

So, there are ashes floating about in the air, reminders and musings about the past and present as well as embers to stoke the flame of the future. Thank you all for your sweet messages of encouragement and kindness. I feel truly blessed and am making the daily decision to be happy as much of the time as possible, I wish you the same happiness.

Love to you all

-AA

Haywire Hairdryer.

The title of today's post refers to my dearest hairdryer that has, in fact, gone haywire. I have been sans hair assistance for the past few days and my "doo" has suffered a bit, but nothing of note yet. I feel like tomorrow the real rebellion will come and I'll look like a young brunette Albert Einstein. (If this does happen, I'll be sure to document it for you ;) ).

My brain has been much like a grocery list lately, full of points, facts, figures and data. My thoughts don't produce anything of real value beyond their first flash of meaning.

My head feels oddly disconnected from my body and without real purpose. - I've been sleeping quite a lot and watching self-imposed dvr'd television marathons and maybe this is the source of the absenteeism of my usual excess of thoughts.

I hooked up with someone this weekend.... I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't have. He was sexy and available, but not someone I see myself dating long-term. He's a fantastic guy and I don't want to turn him into Mister Make-do, but I feel like he might be my 're-bound' guy. All I can say is that I would like a Valentine - maybe between now and Feb. 14th something in the stars will align? Regardless, it feels more than fulfilling to have a couple gentleman callers. ;) and by a couple I mean.... a few. I truly am, at least some part Blanche Devereaux - and I like it.

Goal for the next post is to regain my bearings and try for more elegant prose, until then, I have hair to hassle with and gentleman to gently ( or not so gently) kiss....

Love to you all.

-AA

New Month, New Post.

I'm sure you've all missed me since Wednesday, but I thought that I (and perhaps you) needed some time after that last post to digest everything I was thinking.

The past few days have been full of friends couched in libations, and laughter. I spent Saturday and Sunday night with Momma, Mix and MacGee. The three of them are truly just fantastic people. Happily, I ran into Aid and Twin on Friday night after a fabulous dinner with friends at Tapas on Thomasville Rd. Aid and Twin are doing well, I haven't really seen too much of them since Gem and I stopped seeing each other. I had an excellent conversation with Aid who was her brilliant and helpful self. I know that God has brought me to Aid and Twin, we are alike and different, each special with our own unique presence but we all are facing things that are difficult to parse through and make good sense out of... I thank God for Twin and Aid... They make me stronger and I hope that, in some fashion, I do the same.

I ran into Gem too, and tried to be available and aloof. Paradoxical, I know. We were supposed to see each other some time between Sunday and Tomorrow, but I have a feeling that other things will overshadow me in his mind and I will disappear beneath photo shoots, pot, and general mismanagement of time. I texted and called today to see if he was available for dinner and he still hasn't responded - 5 hours later.

Today was mostly good in retrospect, but while it was happening it was rather awful. The short story is that I am supposed to be registered for an ensemble every Spring and Fall semester, but am not currently because until today, I was unaware that it was necessary after one had completed all the necessary semesters for credit. Upon finding out I was in trouble, I went to the present and future department head to explain why I had not signed up for an ensemble. Condensed it seems much less dramatic, but there was much ado about the whole situation. I was informed that I may be able to keep my schedule as it is but I won't get the final verdict until tomorrow.

Today, I am living, but feeling rather "blah" - Thoughts, Energy and Prayers accepted, as always.

Love to you all,
AA

Half-Happy Hump Day.

Soooo, oh the things to tell about today. Well, yesterday, now... but you know what I mean. I put the blogging on pause yesterday, though I did think about you all and what I might say (most of which, honestly, you needed in your life like another hole in your head.), I decided it best to take the day off from everything after class was over.

Tuesday re-cap: I took a test that I wasn't ready for, mostly because I've been slacking and unmotivated lately - I think I might get away with a C minus... my fingers are crossed. After the test I cut class to write an essay and generally recover from my brain melting out of my head. The rest of the day finished rather uneventfully, but I felt majorly depleted from the overwhelming stress wave that hit me mid morning and didn't ebb until late in the evening when I watched the dvr'd premier of this season of Project Runway with my also recently-single-and-recovering friend Blue. (so named for his very lovely eyes). We talked about our respective lives and I felt generally better.

TODAY! (She's a Doozie) -

I was supposed to gym it up with Nix, but I totally rolled over when the alarm went off at 6. - (I feel like I get caught up in exposition.... I'll work on this in this and later posts) I used the morning for a deep clean of the cat box and bill paying and set out for school feeling horrifically funky and unprepared for my coaching today. I had practiced, but not nearly enough to rehearse efficiently with the Opera demi-god that is Doug Fisher. Came into the office pensive and heavy with the proverbial cloud over my head - complete with drizzle. I spent the better part of the morning prepping for the session and in general funk. The time came to go to coach and it went.... he discovered that I am slightly dyslexic - something not many people know - which is really a mute point to me, it's part of me and integral to my being, but this time something about it felt different and I got really frustrated with myself. After I was excused I just... really needed a hug.

I texted Gem (he's texted me a couple times in the past few days) to ask if he could grab lunch. Surprisingly, he agreed, and instead of being happy I suddenly realized that I had to prepare myself for lunch with the man I am in love with who - lately at least - hasn't even consistently responded to text messages. I felt myself collapsing inward into further internal chaos until I felt like I have on occasions that don't exceed the number of fingers on one hand. When I left the office I was scraping together the goo that my brain and heart had become into some semblance of functional shape. I arrived early with the intent to bail if he was even a little late ( - We were meeting at two at Pitaria - one of the things that ran through my head was a story he told me about stalling on someone he was supposed to meet there at 2 until 4 o'clock) and yet again, surprise, he was almost exactly on time - Today was a day of fate, I am sure. - he gave me a "bro" hug made all the less intimate with the double pat on the back. - I tried not to relax into it, to seem detached and "okay"

Our conversation over chicken pitas meandered from light things into the depths of the problems we've both been facing independently. The whole time I felt like my chest could literally implode from the vacuum of my heart collapsing like a dying star. I felt physical pain being with him and not being able to hold him like I have wanted to for weeks. Eventually we came to the subject of us and he apologized for "leading me on." I took that as the jumping off point to gently tell him what I have been feeling lately. I was a graceful swan on water, my invisible feet working like mad under the surface while delivering a very composed appearance above the water. I literally was nauseous and was in the throws of indescribable physical and emotional pain but I managed to remain composed and say exactly what I wanted to say without sounding crazy, throwing up, or bursting into tears... all of which were real possibilities.
( 1 big boy point for me)

After I outlined everything, he assured me that he was not ready for anything serious yet but that he still liked me very much. He expressed his own insecurities about life and what he has been dealing with lately and slowly my emotional clouds started to fade. Toward the end of our conversation I could see in his eyes that he still has feelings for me, his eyes were searching, gentle and honest - and with that look on his face he asked me when he could see me again. In a single sentence it seemed like everything vaporized and nothing that had happened during the day even mattered. Shortly after that we both had other things that we had to do, I followed him to his truck and he reiterated that he wanted to see me, and possibly take me to lunch or dinner. (I'm not so sure that he'll have the time but the gesture was nice). I tried to stay a little slippery and not commit to anything, I'm not really sure about all this at the moment. We made tentative plans for the weekend and when we hugged, he pulled me into himself, so much so that I staggered forward and may have stepped on his shoe. He held me the way he used to, no pats this time. The hug lasted longer than I expected, but I didn't mind. When we finally released each other I coyly pulled away as he reminded me to call him about this weekend. We exchanged a few more goodbyes and I tried to err on the side of detachment.

I checked my phone as I walked away and it was exactly the time I had though it would be best to leave. The rest of the day was fairly unimportant, though my French teacher walked with me from Diffenbaugh to the Music Building chatting with me the whole way... I think she was trying to make up for last week when she called me out in front of the class, maybe not, I didn't really care too much.

I am left, after today, feeling more at peace than I have in a while. I'm not sure what my relationship with Gem will turn into, he made some friend references amid the conversation that made me sound more like good medicine for his life than someone to whom he wanted to attach himself. I am going to continue on this path of becoming more cognisant of the goals that I have and the things I must do to achieve them: God, graduation, health, recital, opera, friends, family, fitness. (list and/or order of importance subject to change on a daily basis) - I am feeling much more prepared to dive into work, tonight I read a lot of tedious bull for my classes, but didn't give up and completed my homework. - (another big boy point) - The solution for me at this point is to live and be the best me that I can manage each day. Not a storybook ending, but I feel at peace which makes me very happy. My brain no longer feels like it was divided and made to ride and keep track of a thousand trains of thought, I'm slowly pairing it down to far fewer trains going at much slower speeds.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day for me, I am so lucky to have each of you.

Thoughts, Energies, and Prayers, as always -

Best and love to each of you,

-AA




P.s.

(Why I said it was a fated day)
Interesting thoughts of the day:

Peach and I truly are living parallel lives. She and I have both had gentleman that are recently single, surprisingly perfect that we began to fall in love with only for them to disappear. Her's wrote her an email recently to ask her to coffee... and I had lunch with mine today. Now we face the problem of what do we do now?

Timing seemed to be strangely perfect today.

my horoscope, which I never read says:

We're still feeling the effects of the Venus-Mars opposition, which occurred in the wee hours of this morning. Close relationships may be experiencing a little bump in the road right now, and that alone would be enough to make anyone emotional. Add to that today's active and complex Moon, and you could feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster. Practice kindness, to yourself and others. A little will go a long way. (and Gem and I talked about signs today - (one funny coincidence is that he is Gem the Gemini; I realized this a while ago, but haven't mentioned it ) - and how we are both thinkers and we seek to find our identity, he more so right now than I.

Monday Mumbles

Monday passed. I had a pretty decent day with plenty of laughter, smiles and friends. I celebrated a friend's birthday and then came home to the empty house. The cats don't seem to fill it like they used to... I am staying busy as I can be, making plans and seeing bright sides everywhere, I just need the bright sides to stick around longer and not fade into ash quite so quickly.

The remnants of Gem's text yesterday coupled with the words of the missed connection have been jostling around in my head all day making for lots of sighing and attempts to shift focus. It seems like so much longer than two weeks since I last saw him... and two weeks is kind of an absurd amount of time in its own right. My emotional dial seems to be set on pensive lately and I can't seem to accomplish much beyond thought, though I did do well in class and my voice lesson today. Encouraging things are happening in the voice studio and I am looking forward to my performances this semester but simultaneously I feel horribly unmotivated.

My brain, heart and house are in need of spring cleaning even though it is only the end of January. I have already taken steps this year that I never knew existed, but the thick dust of complacency has been settling all over and around me for quite some time and I feel like the time has come for me to feel new and shiny again. I need to take the baton only a bit further before I am finished with this race and these last hundred yards are where I should be sprinting to the finish line... not smothering myself in clouds of thought. No breath holding, only breathing and feet to the pavement.

Positive Vibes, Prayers and Practical Advice accepted, as always.

Sorry for the odd ramble.
Best and Love to you all,

-AA