Connected or Confused?

So, my dear ones, I have been the busiest of bees lately. My life wouldn't be any good if it was slow though, so I'm not complainin'.

Went to the TALC gala with the crew and some new people, some of whom you will hear of later... maybe multiple times, this I say with fingers crossed and knocking on wood. I spent the better part of the beginning of this month partying, I'm pretty sure my brain and my liver are a little the worse for ware. I told a boy via text I wanted to kiss him = fail; and he didn't respond and hasn't since = epic fail. However, this has been the only real stumble in the department of gentlemen.

The TALC gala and the people entailed outlining my most recent "successes." I have spent a lot of time with Momma recently, which has been nice - I don't get to see her all that much during the year, and I have been added to the gay circle of Momma's friend M'Lin. Eesh is in the summer class I am taking, and I got to go out with Twin the other day - so all my ladies are around. Hoping to visit Peach and Aid before the end of next month, depending on available funds! But anyway, you asked for juice, and for once, I have something juicy to tell... mostly anyway.

So, I meet two of Momma's other friends, people who have moved out of the Tallahassee phase of their lives and gone on to professions etc: Chem: a very tall, smart, cute and fantastic man; Phur: Very nice, cute, considerate and wonderful man; and PhotoOp: he. is. gorgeous. when I saw him, I thought WOW, how can all that pretty be in one man? but that is just the tip of the iceberg - he is smart, sweet, and .... I wish he didn't live so far away.

So, I got to spend time with these lovely people,( Momma, Mix, MacGee, M'Lin, and the Men) over the week leading to the gala, all great lovely people who have know each other for years and then... me. I fit in pretty well when we had dinner together though, I get extra-friendly feedback from PhotoOp, which made me feel nice, but I didn't suspect anything.

We went out later that week after they had a rehearsal for the gala and I for Chicago; Chem, Momma and I where the only ones who ended up going; we had a great time - a boy tried to tell them how much he was in love with me while I was at the bar... awkward.... but the new look went over well. People asked if I was working out or had lost weight.... no, friends, haircut and a beard. But anyway, we escaped loverboy and made it home where we talked until 4 am or so. Chem had been flirting with me a little during the night, but subtly, and so I took it to mean nothing. I slept at Momma's because it isn't super close to my house and I didn't want to drive home. Shortly after we'd gone to bed, Chem sent me a facebook message asking me to join him: since I have a bobo phone, I didn't get it until the next day... but wooo, win!!! I felt good about myself that I had caught the eye of someone so cute and smart.

Anyway, Momma tells me the next day PhotoOp was upset he missed out on the clubbing experience, because he wanted to spend time with ME!! DOUBLE WIN in the saaaame day. So we go to the gala and I make it a point to talk to PhotoOp, Chem is otherwise occupied and is not Chilean with beautiful hazel eyes. He stays pretty aloof which is fine and we go through the night fairly platonically. I run into an ex, Prince... and exes of his... awesome. Finally the video-watching and performances end and it's PARTY TIME!!!!

We headed to Mix and MacGee's and have a great time with the cast of characters and then PhotoOp asks me to take him home, so his ride can turn in early.... DUH, I said yes. blah blah blah, fast forward, take him home after about an hour of just the two of us talking and he gets ready to get out of the car, then mumbles something like, "I just have to...." leans in and kisses me. I was surprised but quickly more interested in the reality, this beautiful man kissing me. This persisted for some time.... then he said he should go inside, somehow it came up that I had a place in town too where he could stay, he waffled but eventually came home with me. And the rest... is available on a need to know basis ;)

He's gone now and we have had a few messages pass between us, but I am pretty sure that will all dissolve in a week or so. I really want to know more about him though.... and by know more, I mean, I almost itch to see him..... but simultaneously, my head says you barely know him. I'm trying to strike a reasonable balance between the two: my head and heart - I'll keep you posted. But for now, I am trying to keep it light and easy, and talk to him for as long as he'll talk to me. I have no desire to be taxing or to be taxed; this summer diversion might be just that, or may develop into friendship or... something else. I will be happy with whichever of the options occur.

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Turning the page:

I LEAVE FOR PARIS SOOOOO SOON! I am exceptionally excited. That's all I can really say about it. I am going to start reviewing grammar etc for the tests we take when we get there, but more than that, I am just basking in the glow of excitement and expectation.

I also have had a great deal of God smiling on me lately, providing for me in inconceivable ways and letting me know He is there. Comforting to know that I'm being watched over and provided for.

Additionally, thank God for each of you. Bless you and may God keep and protect you in times of prosperity and famine. I feel so lucky to have each of you in my life. Love to you all,
-AA

P.s. soon, there will be a post about who's who in my blog and why they are named as they are.

Muffled Mental Mumblings

So, life is upon us - and as always - my ability to turn the simple into complex and vice versa, is crippling my curmudgeonly brain.

I settled on the Voodoo, Race and Revolution in Haiti class, it includes a LOT of reading, but so far it is interesting.

I am struggling with the decision of where to live next year: through many pros and cons, I really love my place despite its faults. (i.e. lack of Dishwasher, Washer and Dryer, insulation...). My thought is, I love my place, and I could stay here and continue to pay higher rent prices, or I could move and have to drive to school next year and either pay for a place to park, or brave the lots daily. Really this decision hinges on a few others that are giving me mental heartburn: (1) ho many hours should I take in the fall (2) should I get a "real" job (3) should I be saving money for grad school/moving, etc. - - (In a side note, I am down to paying off one, ONE credit card!!!! I will be able to pay it off over the next two months and then, I shall be debt free. Praise Jesus. I was very proud of that fact.)

Chicago is going alright, it will be good, I think. I don't know if I really want my family to come... supposedly we are supposed to be kind of naked a lot of the production. Score. Anorexia, here I come.

On yet another Debbie Downer Note, I wrote this... whatever it is in response to two people:

I am a crushed and crinkled bit of paper in the trashcan of your mind, in the dusty edges of awareness, where stained shirts hang on the line. I am here, a fragment, of what you once had; an idea in the darkness, a persistent pest carefully jarred. I want you to remember me and call me sometime. It seems that in all your races to do the best for everyone else, that you are distracting, diverting, detracting from yourself. Perhaps you lack the words, or better yet the balls, to return a call, type a word - - you fear the guilt it could cause. You've wrapped yourself in white feather pillows and tied them on with rope, in the hope that I'm forgettable, that the flame will extinguish quietly without a trace of smoke. Or perhaps it's that your horrible indifference is responsible for m wounds, I suppose there will be a "sorry" somewhere for that one, too... I am not transparent, nor invisible to the eye, so then the question I ask you is: why? Why do you not answer; why do I not make you blink; why am I forgettable, ignorable, regrettable, or whatever the hell you think!? Your tight lipped ways infuriate me, they singe every part of me, I am the scorched earth of Georgia after Sherman's March to the Sea. Truly it's self-inflicted, there's something in this pain, something that I return to here that makes some sense; insane. I need for you to talk to me, and not pretend it's all alright. It isn't and it hasn't been since you plastered that laissez faire grin on your stupid beautiful face. My broken rhymes rhythmicize what I feel is true, and the conclusion I have for both of us, is that there is talking to do.

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So, that was to Gem and another ex who seem to think if they ignore me, I don't exist. There are few times when I get angry, but when I feel marginalized and ignored is one of my 'buttons,' so that being said, I have decided to talk to them. On a broader scale, I find two kernels of wisdom that can be gleaned here too: (1) Entitlement of Self : I should communicate when I feel a certain way, and be unapologetic for my feelings; This is an issue I struggle with, and I am working through it. (2)Entitlement of Others : Recently, I have played the same card of, ignore them and they'll go away. Unfortunately, people, unlike the T-Rex do not go away if you stand still long enough. I may have injured people with by ignoring them. Granted, the alternatives are uncomfortable, but truth to others and ones self is much more preferable than any substitute. So, time to hike up the newly acquired big boy breeches and get down and dirty.

End Sad things; On to the happy.

My mom called me this week, she got the results back from the test and she has nothing to worry about. (Thank You, God! You had me scared there for a second). I really love my mom and couldn't live without her. Human frailty sucks, I'm over it! Thank you to everyone that sent out prayers and energies. It helped, if not the outcome of the test, my peace of mind knowing that people in the world care.

I am in an amorphous place, which seems to happen to me a lot. I am kind of lonely, but I don't ache for company - which is a good thing. I feel that I am still maturing and readying myself for the person that I will share my life with, but at the moment I've been a bit dreamy for a someone of my own. I'm still getting a lot of online attention from guys, which is nice, but mostly in the "let's f*%k" side of things. No crazy long term options, but I am not 95 yet , so I have some time. I had a nice lunch date the other day with a perfectly sweet guy, and I think it would be nice to see him again. I think he'll turn into a friend though, his intelligence is very nice, we see the world from similar perspectives but I don't find him that attractive. Recently I have been noticing feminine beauty, more so than normal. Maybe it's the beard? (ba-doom *chick*) But seriously, I kind of fancy myself as a free lover. Not tied to dudes or chicks and having never had a meaningful relationship with a girl I wonder what it would be like. Ruminate on that and I'll get back to you. This post has already gotten to be three times as long as I wanted. Suffice it to say, I am happy and healthy and okay where I am. Growing successfully and just... alive; all good things.

Love to you all :)
AA

the Question of Class.

Before we "get into it" I just wanted to say what a lovely dinner I had with Twin and how nice it was to visit Peach. I love you both and would do anything for each of you. - I got my hair cut - TWICE this week. The first round wasn't quite right, so I went back and I am happy with the results. Pictures will come soon, but my Fb pic is pretty close to what I look like now.
Mom had the cell taking portion of the doctor visit today, she'll get the results in a week, prayers and thoughts are still requested on that front

and now... to the business:





Oh, musicals, how you express things so well. Listen, learn and Love. Class.


So I'm in rehearsal for QMT's Chicago and I heard this song a few weeks ago for the first time and it has stuck with me. The classless pointing out the world's lack of class. - - We all have our flaws, and maybe I should look at the plank in my eye before the speck in my brother's but, I just have found the world indelicate lately; unable to express in words or actions thoughts that require finesse and care. Eesh has been on my nerves lately, she's been on her period and I'm her friend, so she talks about it with me... not my favorite topic, but a friend can't always choose the topic of conversation. We have been spending a lot of time together this week... which have helped me see the specks.

Cinco de Mayo was day three of together time for our recently assembled band of music kids. Eesh has been clinging to me all week, expecting me to make the arrangement and the plans for what WE will do and expecting that wherever I go she is invited... not something I love, but I dealt with it. We all partied pretty hard, I had a great dinner with Mix and MacGee then drinks with Double-C, Eesh, Rica among others. The night ended with Double-C drunk in bed, and the rest of us skinny dipping in a friend's pool .... a cop showed up and we were ushered inside, where I passed out and they smoked out. I woke up this morning feeling just fine, Eesh, who apparently has become my responsibility needed a ride home, so I took her home - along the way she implied she wanted breakfast... and I wanted to go home - I went back to my place and slept most of the day, hence why I am awake now. She said she wanted to eat together at 5, which was fine, I had to eat before rehearsal anyway. Eesh texts me as I am about to leave to get her and says that 5:30 is better.... (I have rehearsal at 7) I figure this won't be a huge deal and say it's fine. We don't make it to the restaurant until 6:10, Villiage Inn on Apalachee, about as far as you can be from her house - keeping in mind I have to take her back before I can go to rehearsal. We amazingly finish and leave by 6:40, hitting every red light on the way to her house, all the while she is blabbering about things that I do not want to hear and I am becoming more hostile and silent. I talk myself down mid-drive after she describes having to make herself vomit this morning.... and I finally return to being close to myself as she exits the car.

We hung out after practice too, and she was equally as interested in me and my needs/feelings/thoughts.... She left her melty drink in my car through the movie we went to see leaving a mess and the cup behind when she got out of my car after a conversation about a recent commercial that I found indecent and she thought I was stupid for believing such things.... - - On looking at it again, maybe I was too quick to judge the commercial, but my opinion regardless of what it was should have been respected as a valid point of view.

"As always I am an anachronism, an alchemist in the time of anonymous anarchy. The always overly analytical agent of my age, I amount to an enigma to friend, foe and sage."

Suffice it to say, I think this weekend at home will be a much needed break from other people. I realize that she is lonely and needs to talk and that we are good friends. I just find that I feel smothered and judged by her sometimes, there are a lot of things that she does that make me crazy and a lot of them happened simultaneously in the past few days, creating a perfect storm of annoyance. I love her, but I just need a few days without her.

The crux of this post really is the question of class and niceties that seem to not exist anymore.... each generation notes what the world lacks and how it changes, so I guess I am turning into an old man, watch out AARP, here I come. I just find the world much less interested in the Southern style of quiet, gentille expression common in my younger years. There is something very elegant and intelligent about the cloaked speech of the South. There are things that you just don't say, or if you do have to talk about them, you broach the subject with the utmost care to not offend or bother your company. Few people care if they bother you anymore... they are more concerned with crass expression of ideas, which I find rather annoying. Take the time to be beautiful in everything you do, especially the way you relate to the world.

I also took a bit of a transfer from our, mine and Eesh's, conversation tonight. Perception of one's self is often skewed. Eesh believes herself to be an open-minded, non-judgmental, grown up young lady. At most times she is one or all of those things, but in this conversation she was none of them. I realized that she has a lot of growing to do - and as I drove away from her house, I realized that this year has been about nothing but growth for me. I am being refined and groomed every day by the expectations, experiences, and pressures of this world. Each of us grows at our own pace and I should not allow her to upset me without saying something, but I also should realize that she and I are in far different places and each of us has strengths the other doesn't.

We all have growing to do and class to cultivate. I challenge each of you to be beautiful in everything that you do and say, realizing that your words and deeds are the trademark of your character. Relish in your own beauty and encourage it!

Love to you all,
AA