mixed messages

It would seem that the world is full of mixed messages. Lately, I have been giving and receiving them - contributing to the white noise of the relationship world and become deaf because of the transmissions of others.

Since PhotoOp came home with me, I have reentered the needy - want to be with someone - don't want to be alone part of my relationship cycle. In reality, I know nothing about him other than he is beautiful and I find him attractive more so than I do most other people I've met in my life. Not to minimize that fact, but relationships built upon admiration of external beauty are doomed to fail because facades change, the weather and gray and crack in the sun, PhotoOp represents something I want. He is the emblem of an idea - the idea of a long term relationship, stability, and the ideal that we all seek in some way - someone to share our lives with.

I've been told by Momma that he's not much of a relationship guy, which is fine, but it makes him not really suitable for what I want - the messages between us have sort of decreased in frequency as of late, proving her point. The last one that I wrote him about 24hours ago will probably be the hardest to swallow; I think he'll probably take it to mean that I want him to be my boyfriend - which... hell, I wouldn't mind, but it was more just a putting of things out there:

It sounds like an excellent place to be. Stable and allowing you to have an artistic outlet.

As for John, he is not just a designer, but also a television host - though that seems like it would be a lot of fun I don't aspire to be nationally visible in that regard. If the opportunity arose, I wouldn't pass it up, but I realize that working in any business where - to at least some extent - you must cater to an audience, that you have to go 'where the money is.' That's one reason why opera is a little unattractive. I mean, I guess I could live out of a suitcase with relatively small attachment to any one place, but it isn't my ideal.

I want to have a home, a husband, and hopefully a kid - It's hard to be a jetset musician and have any sort of relationship or family with any sort of cohesion. I have discovered recently, more than ever, that I am built to be somebody's someone - also, I see so many of my teachers living alone in their old age because they put career before family, and I don't want to be alone when I'm 65 with nothing but cats to come home to. Anyway, I just want to have a "home base" where I spend most of my time, where my friends and my life are. I love to travel but I don't want to have to be gone 80% of the year to be able to pay rent or the mortgage on a property I never see and to never have the chance to build a relationship that will last. I would love to get a contract with an opera house, but those are hard to land and don't often last for more than a few years - or for multiple operas of a season.

I'd like to do something with design/Language/Vocal pedagogy (something...?) during the day as a means to have a dependable means of earning money and stabilizing myself geographically and then find means of expressing myself artistically in community settings - If opera doesn't work out...

Aaaaaanyway, It's a feature of my life I have been thinking about quite a bit and thus have plenty of possible material to write about it. I just want a long-term someone someday. I know I'll arrive at that stage in life when I am meant to, but I have this weird feeling that I might just as easily end up alone.

I hope that you can comfortable and successfully transition into more art sales of your own and not management of a gallery. Leslie said that your art had developed into something with a political voice, and if you are able to use your work to focus eyes on what you believe needs to be fixed, more power to you. Opera, well, from where I stand anyway, doesn't have the same flexibility. If I was a director or a designer, then yes, but as a vocalist I am not in charge of the direction of the art, I simply bring the life to it.

Sorry, this all seems very Debbie Downer. I've been feeling funky lately and have tried to blog away the blues but I can't seem to shake them. Guess it's just where I am supposed to be right now.

Wishing you the best sir; hope you are smiling.
- - - (AA)

I don't really care what he thinks, at this point, I just needed to put those words out there and say what I felt. I feel like that's a good step toward being able to unapologetically and unashamedly say what it is that I need and want for myself and my life. (I've always been an "apologizer")

Right now, the reality is that I am in transition, with no secure idea of where I'll end up or what I'll be doing a year from now. I have a lot of options to consider, and though I know I shouldn't wait to be "perfect" before I let someone in - I think that I need to not be so gung-ho about jumping into relationships with people who show a glimmer of possibility. I am a romantic man, I am made to love someone and I guess somewhere in me a clock ticks counting down the minutes of my life. I have simultaneously a feeling of urgency with a splash of no options (in partners) and this feeling that the world is different now and I don't need to be in such a hurry -i.e. the American way.

I must learn that boyfriends, like sexuality, are not like the cereal aisle at Walmart. I can't just go out and pick the one I want based on some published list of facts. ha, a high fiber low sugar boyfriend.... anyway, I realize now more than ever that I am young and the world is open to me. I don't have to do everything the way the rest of the world does and there is no one whose expectations and desires for my life that I need to value more than my own.

Growing daily and trying to make each day better for myself and the rest of the world - love to you all,
AA

Connected or Confused?

So, my dear ones, I have been the busiest of bees lately. My life wouldn't be any good if it was slow though, so I'm not complainin'.

Went to the TALC gala with the crew and some new people, some of whom you will hear of later... maybe multiple times, this I say with fingers crossed and knocking on wood. I spent the better part of the beginning of this month partying, I'm pretty sure my brain and my liver are a little the worse for ware. I told a boy via text I wanted to kiss him = fail; and he didn't respond and hasn't since = epic fail. However, this has been the only real stumble in the department of gentlemen.

The TALC gala and the people entailed outlining my most recent "successes." I have spent a lot of time with Momma recently, which has been nice - I don't get to see her all that much during the year, and I have been added to the gay circle of Momma's friend M'Lin. Eesh is in the summer class I am taking, and I got to go out with Twin the other day - so all my ladies are around. Hoping to visit Peach and Aid before the end of next month, depending on available funds! But anyway, you asked for juice, and for once, I have something juicy to tell... mostly anyway.

So, I meet two of Momma's other friends, people who have moved out of the Tallahassee phase of their lives and gone on to professions etc: Chem: a very tall, smart, cute and fantastic man; Phur: Very nice, cute, considerate and wonderful man; and PhotoOp: he. is. gorgeous. when I saw him, I thought WOW, how can all that pretty be in one man? but that is just the tip of the iceberg - he is smart, sweet, and .... I wish he didn't live so far away.

So, I got to spend time with these lovely people,( Momma, Mix, MacGee, M'Lin, and the Men) over the week leading to the gala, all great lovely people who have know each other for years and then... me. I fit in pretty well when we had dinner together though, I get extra-friendly feedback from PhotoOp, which made me feel nice, but I didn't suspect anything.

We went out later that week after they had a rehearsal for the gala and I for Chicago; Chem, Momma and I where the only ones who ended up going; we had a great time - a boy tried to tell them how much he was in love with me while I was at the bar... awkward.... but the new look went over well. People asked if I was working out or had lost weight.... no, friends, haircut and a beard. But anyway, we escaped loverboy and made it home where we talked until 4 am or so. Chem had been flirting with me a little during the night, but subtly, and so I took it to mean nothing. I slept at Momma's because it isn't super close to my house and I didn't want to drive home. Shortly after we'd gone to bed, Chem sent me a facebook message asking me to join him: since I have a bobo phone, I didn't get it until the next day... but wooo, win!!! I felt good about myself that I had caught the eye of someone so cute and smart.

Anyway, Momma tells me the next day PhotoOp was upset he missed out on the clubbing experience, because he wanted to spend time with ME!! DOUBLE WIN in the saaaame day. So we go to the gala and I make it a point to talk to PhotoOp, Chem is otherwise occupied and is not Chilean with beautiful hazel eyes. He stays pretty aloof which is fine and we go through the night fairly platonically. I run into an ex, Prince... and exes of his... awesome. Finally the video-watching and performances end and it's PARTY TIME!!!!

We headed to Mix and MacGee's and have a great time with the cast of characters and then PhotoOp asks me to take him home, so his ride can turn in early.... DUH, I said yes. blah blah blah, fast forward, take him home after about an hour of just the two of us talking and he gets ready to get out of the car, then mumbles something like, "I just have to...." leans in and kisses me. I was surprised but quickly more interested in the reality, this beautiful man kissing me. This persisted for some time.... then he said he should go inside, somehow it came up that I had a place in town too where he could stay, he waffled but eventually came home with me. And the rest... is available on a need to know basis ;)

He's gone now and we have had a few messages pass between us, but I am pretty sure that will all dissolve in a week or so. I really want to know more about him though.... and by know more, I mean, I almost itch to see him..... but simultaneously, my head says you barely know him. I'm trying to strike a reasonable balance between the two: my head and heart - I'll keep you posted. But for now, I am trying to keep it light and easy, and talk to him for as long as he'll talk to me. I have no desire to be taxing or to be taxed; this summer diversion might be just that, or may develop into friendship or... something else. I will be happy with whichever of the options occur.

--------

Turning the page:

I LEAVE FOR PARIS SOOOOO SOON! I am exceptionally excited. That's all I can really say about it. I am going to start reviewing grammar etc for the tests we take when we get there, but more than that, I am just basking in the glow of excitement and expectation.

I also have had a great deal of God smiling on me lately, providing for me in inconceivable ways and letting me know He is there. Comforting to know that I'm being watched over and provided for.

Additionally, thank God for each of you. Bless you and may God keep and protect you in times of prosperity and famine. I feel so lucky to have each of you in my life. Love to you all,
-AA

P.s. soon, there will be a post about who's who in my blog and why they are named as they are.

Muffled Mental Mumblings

So, life is upon us - and as always - my ability to turn the simple into complex and vice versa, is crippling my curmudgeonly brain.

I settled on the Voodoo, Race and Revolution in Haiti class, it includes a LOT of reading, but so far it is interesting.

I am struggling with the decision of where to live next year: through many pros and cons, I really love my place despite its faults. (i.e. lack of Dishwasher, Washer and Dryer, insulation...). My thought is, I love my place, and I could stay here and continue to pay higher rent prices, or I could move and have to drive to school next year and either pay for a place to park, or brave the lots daily. Really this decision hinges on a few others that are giving me mental heartburn: (1) ho many hours should I take in the fall (2) should I get a "real" job (3) should I be saving money for grad school/moving, etc. - - (In a side note, I am down to paying off one, ONE credit card!!!! I will be able to pay it off over the next two months and then, I shall be debt free. Praise Jesus. I was very proud of that fact.)

Chicago is going alright, it will be good, I think. I don't know if I really want my family to come... supposedly we are supposed to be kind of naked a lot of the production. Score. Anorexia, here I come.

On yet another Debbie Downer Note, I wrote this... whatever it is in response to two people:

I am a crushed and crinkled bit of paper in the trashcan of your mind, in the dusty edges of awareness, where stained shirts hang on the line. I am here, a fragment, of what you once had; an idea in the darkness, a persistent pest carefully jarred. I want you to remember me and call me sometime. It seems that in all your races to do the best for everyone else, that you are distracting, diverting, detracting from yourself. Perhaps you lack the words, or better yet the balls, to return a call, type a word - - you fear the guilt it could cause. You've wrapped yourself in white feather pillows and tied them on with rope, in the hope that I'm forgettable, that the flame will extinguish quietly without a trace of smoke. Or perhaps it's that your horrible indifference is responsible for m wounds, I suppose there will be a "sorry" somewhere for that one, too... I am not transparent, nor invisible to the eye, so then the question I ask you is: why? Why do you not answer; why do I not make you blink; why am I forgettable, ignorable, regrettable, or whatever the hell you think!? Your tight lipped ways infuriate me, they singe every part of me, I am the scorched earth of Georgia after Sherman's March to the Sea. Truly it's self-inflicted, there's something in this pain, something that I return to here that makes some sense; insane. I need for you to talk to me, and not pretend it's all alright. It isn't and it hasn't been since you plastered that laissez faire grin on your stupid beautiful face. My broken rhymes rhythmicize what I feel is true, and the conclusion I have for both of us, is that there is talking to do.

----

So, that was to Gem and another ex who seem to think if they ignore me, I don't exist. There are few times when I get angry, but when I feel marginalized and ignored is one of my 'buttons,' so that being said, I have decided to talk to them. On a broader scale, I find two kernels of wisdom that can be gleaned here too: (1) Entitlement of Self : I should communicate when I feel a certain way, and be unapologetic for my feelings; This is an issue I struggle with, and I am working through it. (2)Entitlement of Others : Recently, I have played the same card of, ignore them and they'll go away. Unfortunately, people, unlike the T-Rex do not go away if you stand still long enough. I may have injured people with by ignoring them. Granted, the alternatives are uncomfortable, but truth to others and ones self is much more preferable than any substitute. So, time to hike up the newly acquired big boy breeches and get down and dirty.

End Sad things; On to the happy.

My mom called me this week, she got the results back from the test and she has nothing to worry about. (Thank You, God! You had me scared there for a second). I really love my mom and couldn't live without her. Human frailty sucks, I'm over it! Thank you to everyone that sent out prayers and energies. It helped, if not the outcome of the test, my peace of mind knowing that people in the world care.

I am in an amorphous place, which seems to happen to me a lot. I am kind of lonely, but I don't ache for company - which is a good thing. I feel that I am still maturing and readying myself for the person that I will share my life with, but at the moment I've been a bit dreamy for a someone of my own. I'm still getting a lot of online attention from guys, which is nice, but mostly in the "let's f*%k" side of things. No crazy long term options, but I am not 95 yet , so I have some time. I had a nice lunch date the other day with a perfectly sweet guy, and I think it would be nice to see him again. I think he'll turn into a friend though, his intelligence is very nice, we see the world from similar perspectives but I don't find him that attractive. Recently I have been noticing feminine beauty, more so than normal. Maybe it's the beard? (ba-doom *chick*) But seriously, I kind of fancy myself as a free lover. Not tied to dudes or chicks and having never had a meaningful relationship with a girl I wonder what it would be like. Ruminate on that and I'll get back to you. This post has already gotten to be three times as long as I wanted. Suffice it to say, I am happy and healthy and okay where I am. Growing successfully and just... alive; all good things.

Love to you all :)
AA

the Question of Class.

Before we "get into it" I just wanted to say what a lovely dinner I had with Twin and how nice it was to visit Peach. I love you both and would do anything for each of you. - I got my hair cut - TWICE this week. The first round wasn't quite right, so I went back and I am happy with the results. Pictures will come soon, but my Fb pic is pretty close to what I look like now.
Mom had the cell taking portion of the doctor visit today, she'll get the results in a week, prayers and thoughts are still requested on that front

and now... to the business:





Oh, musicals, how you express things so well. Listen, learn and Love. Class.


So I'm in rehearsal for QMT's Chicago and I heard this song a few weeks ago for the first time and it has stuck with me. The classless pointing out the world's lack of class. - - We all have our flaws, and maybe I should look at the plank in my eye before the speck in my brother's but, I just have found the world indelicate lately; unable to express in words or actions thoughts that require finesse and care. Eesh has been on my nerves lately, she's been on her period and I'm her friend, so she talks about it with me... not my favorite topic, but a friend can't always choose the topic of conversation. We have been spending a lot of time together this week... which have helped me see the specks.

Cinco de Mayo was day three of together time for our recently assembled band of music kids. Eesh has been clinging to me all week, expecting me to make the arrangement and the plans for what WE will do and expecting that wherever I go she is invited... not something I love, but I dealt with it. We all partied pretty hard, I had a great dinner with Mix and MacGee then drinks with Double-C, Eesh, Rica among others. The night ended with Double-C drunk in bed, and the rest of us skinny dipping in a friend's pool .... a cop showed up and we were ushered inside, where I passed out and they smoked out. I woke up this morning feeling just fine, Eesh, who apparently has become my responsibility needed a ride home, so I took her home - along the way she implied she wanted breakfast... and I wanted to go home - I went back to my place and slept most of the day, hence why I am awake now. She said she wanted to eat together at 5, which was fine, I had to eat before rehearsal anyway. Eesh texts me as I am about to leave to get her and says that 5:30 is better.... (I have rehearsal at 7) I figure this won't be a huge deal and say it's fine. We don't make it to the restaurant until 6:10, Villiage Inn on Apalachee, about as far as you can be from her house - keeping in mind I have to take her back before I can go to rehearsal. We amazingly finish and leave by 6:40, hitting every red light on the way to her house, all the while she is blabbering about things that I do not want to hear and I am becoming more hostile and silent. I talk myself down mid-drive after she describes having to make herself vomit this morning.... and I finally return to being close to myself as she exits the car.

We hung out after practice too, and she was equally as interested in me and my needs/feelings/thoughts.... She left her melty drink in my car through the movie we went to see leaving a mess and the cup behind when she got out of my car after a conversation about a recent commercial that I found indecent and she thought I was stupid for believing such things.... - - On looking at it again, maybe I was too quick to judge the commercial, but my opinion regardless of what it was should have been respected as a valid point of view.

"As always I am an anachronism, an alchemist in the time of anonymous anarchy. The always overly analytical agent of my age, I amount to an enigma to friend, foe and sage."

Suffice it to say, I think this weekend at home will be a much needed break from other people. I realize that she is lonely and needs to talk and that we are good friends. I just find that I feel smothered and judged by her sometimes, there are a lot of things that she does that make me crazy and a lot of them happened simultaneously in the past few days, creating a perfect storm of annoyance. I love her, but I just need a few days without her.

The crux of this post really is the question of class and niceties that seem to not exist anymore.... each generation notes what the world lacks and how it changes, so I guess I am turning into an old man, watch out AARP, here I come. I just find the world much less interested in the Southern style of quiet, gentille expression common in my younger years. There is something very elegant and intelligent about the cloaked speech of the South. There are things that you just don't say, or if you do have to talk about them, you broach the subject with the utmost care to not offend or bother your company. Few people care if they bother you anymore... they are more concerned with crass expression of ideas, which I find rather annoying. Take the time to be beautiful in everything you do, especially the way you relate to the world.

I also took a bit of a transfer from our, mine and Eesh's, conversation tonight. Perception of one's self is often skewed. Eesh believes herself to be an open-minded, non-judgmental, grown up young lady. At most times she is one or all of those things, but in this conversation she was none of them. I realized that she has a lot of growing to do - and as I drove away from her house, I realized that this year has been about nothing but growth for me. I am being refined and groomed every day by the expectations, experiences, and pressures of this world. Each of us grows at our own pace and I should not allow her to upset me without saying something, but I also should realize that she and I are in far different places and each of us has strengths the other doesn't.

We all have growing to do and class to cultivate. I challenge each of you to be beautiful in everything that you do and say, realizing that your words and deeds are the trademark of your character. Relish in your own beauty and encourage it!

Love to you all,
AA

Fishbowl of thought

My brain is all a-buzz with thoughts of this and that; a smorgasbord of snippets and smatterings. Fragments of French, a sundry of Spanish, a mixed bag of music from Mussorgsky to Muse with random lyric lines of Gulag Orkestar and Granados, with Gnarls and Nordic Nationals intermittently appearing.

Recently I have simultaneously felt empowered and simultaneously stark naked and inexorably vulnerable.

Mom has an appointment to collect cells soon, and so, we'll know in a few weeks what is happening on that front - the idea that she could have cancer is one of the sources of my implacable vulnerable feelings. My brain is intensely congested with the thousands of trains that are flying around in my fishbowl of consciousness. I could type for hours and still not exhaust all that there is to talk about in my mental microcosm.

Though my brain is clouded and upside down, the day has not been awful by any means. I got up early for an exam and have been a decently happy camper all day. I have the strangest craving for mashed potatoes right now, comfort food, I guess? God is watching out for me though, I found out I don't have rehearsal tonight, which is fantastic! I'll have plenty of time to sleep, write my paper and study for my exam tonight. I really need a good night's sleep, these past few nights have been filled with many a late hour and little actual rest. I'm going to ATL this weekend to see Peach, I miss here and I am so glad that I can go :) and forget about this semester after my last final tomorrow afternoon.

On Tuesday I had a lovely lunch date with a boy, there are possibilities there.

One of the quotes on his online profile reads:

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

I very much like this quote, yet another scrap of someone else to fly around and collide with the other things in my head - making melancholy and art. I however am not extremely melancholic, just pensive, as always. I have begun to make lists for the summer and have decided it shall be call the summer of language, art and music. I have been drawing, well... doodling, a lot lately which feels nice. I want to read a few books this summer and focus on music for my recital and maintaining my French and Spanish competency. OH, and I have decided to paint the living room... and maybe get a new couch, if funds are available.

As I left my exam this morning I walked out of the building behind a recent acquaintance who was on a morning run. I walked behind him without interrupting his concentration and as he ran off toward the center of campus he handed me a mental torch, whether consciously or not, I realized that there are so many things about myself that I am proud of; pieces of me that make me feel good about myself and what I have become over this journey of college. I am proud of where I stand, but I am also willing to admit that there are plenty of places to get better. I am ready to get better without discounting the ground that I have already gained.

I hope you are happy with yourselves today and are giving yourselves sufficient credit where you deserve it. Never let anything or anyone, INCLUDING yourself, let you feel like the things you have accomplished are not worthwhile.

Love and Praise to you all,
AA

The day has been okay...

Today, I survived. I guess Karma, seeing that I had written about her yesterday decided to give me a couple of good thumps. The title of the post comes from Emiliana Torrini's song, something about it captures today for me.

The day started off well enough. Slept in - seems to be a trend of late - went to work and there was a certain film of unease over the office. I told Chrome Diva, my boss - she has a motorcycle and is awesome- about last night and the mishaps. She was cool with it, I also came clean to the prof about not taping the concert last night because I overslept. Needless to say, she wasn't thrilled about it. Which no has brought me to the thought that my day was like some sort of horror filled stale cookie. The beginning and the end were mediocre but more than bearable and the middle... wretched.

So, on to the foul bits. I had to do some scurrying today to be in all the necessary places at one time. Firstly, my French teacher for both of the two oral interviews for our class has scheduled mine well outside the bounds of class time. Today, the second of the two was no different, only this time it fell in the midst of my voice studio class. No big deal, I emailed my Prof and he was cool about it - I knew it would be easier to talk to him than my French prof., but anyway... so he said it was cool if I ducked out and came back. Went to the interview early and did very well, she even remarked that it was obvious I could talk about the material easily. Then, bombshell, and I quote "So, I can't seem to find your grammar portion of the last test, and since I am sure you think you turned it in and I have never lost a paper in all of my career, you will just retake it right now." I am sure my face turned white. That test was HARD. I couldn't make words to say that I had a class I was missing, that I had a rehearsal I had to go to, or that I hadn't studied the material in weeks. She took me to a conference room, sat me down and said - good luck. I went through it as fast as I could, because I had to go back to class and I didn't have time to think too far into depth. Suffice it to say, it didn't go well.

I returned to studio class in enough time to fill out the course evaluation for my Prof, who is amazing, and then run off to what honestly was one of the most annoying rehearsals of my life. Maybe it was because I was on edge, or that the people talked too much, but I had enough venom in me to kill a man. Our director, same one responsible for the tire tracks on my back, is directing this scene too.... she changed some things and added junk - mind you our performance is Sunday and none of us has time to devote to running choreography we don't really know... - by the end of the rehearsal I was boiling. I left as fast as I could to my office, and took very many deep breaths until I finally just vented aloud to my boss and co-worker/ex-boyfriend (he also sports the resident asshole hat on weekends).

After work I called to talk to my mom to hopefully get some sort of feel good warm fuzzies from her, only to find out that she might have cancer..... she's going in for a test tomorrow to check and see what exactly this fuzzy area on her mammogram is. I almost burst into tears then. Mom says that she thinks it will be fine and she will call as soon as she knows the results. Please send prayers and good energy to my mom, I don't have any idea what I would do without her. - - The thing is that I am really worried, I don't want to write it out in words why I am worried, I feel like that gives it even more power and makes it a more real possibility... but I am worried. I need my mom, I don't know what my family would do if she got sick or worse.

After that conversation I took a nap, I couldn't be in the conscious world anymore. Went to work post nap and then was rescued by Eesh when I was walking home. We watched tv, had some beer and pizza and it really made most of the day disappear and seem more bearable.

The day ended relatively well despite Karma or Fate or... whatever's best attempt at balling me up into a non-functional mess. I hope that I can handle future days like this with more grace, poise and composure - and more than that I hope that God provides me the strength to be there for my mom regardless of whether this turns into something serious or not. For some reason, I have always imagined that my parents and Grandmothers are immortal, or at least wouldn't leave me here to live without them. The reality grows ever more clear that my family and I are fragile humans and our time is limited - the time has come to seize every moment and regret nothing.

Love to you all,
AA

Frosted Flakes.

Rap of the day:

I know you wanna touch it, baby can you taste it? - If you ain't gonnna love it, I'm not about to waste it.

-----
If I am a flake, I would like to be a frosted flake - or a baked flake?.....

I had Frosted Flakes for dinner.... hey, it's 420, I do what I want - though I didn't smoke out today - I say that like it's something that I do normally.... anyway, suffice it to say that my brain is not functioning at its full capacity today. I have had a decent day though, despite the rain, oversleeping for work, and being thrown right up under the proverbial bus by my scene director. You know, small potatoes.

Opera scenes are this Sunday, they should be interesting. I've never had an experience like this one, where my scene director seemed competent and just has trouble expressing ideas - and - when the ideas she has specifically outlined end up coming together our program director doesn't like them and the performers get the old heave-ho under the bus, because obviously we misunderstood what she said..... annoyed, but hey, the frosted flakes were tasty.

Spring is still in full bloom where the booty is concerned... I made out with a boy last night, and keep getting hit on. More than a few men and women have made eyes at me, which makes me feel nice inside. I think it will fade when the pollen haze is replaced by the humid heft of summer.
I keep getting booty calls at weird hours of the night from vomit dude.... you'd think I had done my part when we first met to get rid of this guy, but I guess my disgusting impression of Linda Blair only impressed him? No idea about that one - but he called last night, and I legitimately was not near my phone - kissing, you know - but if I had been... I probably wouldn't have answered. Whoops, I'm a bad person, Karma will thump me soon enough.

I am supposed to go to an underwear party on Friday... I am not entirely sure if this is a great plan, as I currently feel a little fluffy, though I have lost weight, and am not sooo sure I want to go. F.Y.I. it's a theatre party that is held annually where all guests wear only underwear... there are all these skinny, pretty, loud people there that have nothing better to do than compete for the spotlight - can I say, most emphatically, that I daily celebrate the fact that I am a musician and not an actor? because, darlin, I DO! - So, pretty people, blah blah blah, and underwear = possible pointing with the pen15 and I was invited by this cute, slightly odd, 12 year old (i.e. freshman). I do love underwear though and have plenty of cute options, so it remains on the table as possible weekend fun.

Back to the thoughts of beauty from L'Bergique - so, he's not pretty outside, and though he is very intelligent and talented, I do not always love his insides either. We argue a lot, mostly because of unrequited love, I gather. Tonight he texted, and as often happens, said something to stir me up which made me think... why do i even care about this right now? why am I trying to please him and make him feel comfortable when he is always digging his claws into me to make me feel something. Babe, I like you but I do not love you and you being shitty to me does not make me feel any closer or have the desire to get closer to you. But anyway, this thought of miscalculated beauty has been in my head for quite some time. I find that many people believe themselves to be martyrs of love and life and cursed with exteriors that aren't reflective of their interior - I say, bullshit. We all struggle, the spectrum of internal and external beauty, to find someone with which we connect in a meaningful and worthwhile way. My friend Mouse lives with Eesh, he's African-American and does not lack anything externally, he's an okay looking guy, but he is truly pushy, aggressive, selfish and to add a cherry to the cow pie, a bad kisser... he laments his lot in life and blames the general lack of men willing/excited to a) date a black man b)who find his interior superior to others and c)who are up to his standards. - Standards, may I add, that he does not himself meet. Mouse is a prime example of someone who thinks their shit doesn't stink, but in fact, all the emotional broccoli they have been eating is stinkin up the whole house. I find that it is a fault of humans today; either they are unable to attach blame to themselves and all of the fault lies outside of their perfect, pristine internal selves, or the rest of us who, like ostriches, hid our heads in the sand of ourselves thinking of how awful we are and what we can do to be better. Beauty is a tough subject to broach, it brings into question all sorts of conditioned social norms that have been hardwired into our little baby brains that then guide us through our lives as adults. It's hard to hack the hardwiring... but I think that I find people beautiful that others wouldn't necessarily find lovely. Suffice it to say, this conversation isn't over in my head, stay tuned for more self-loathing? ya? (kidding.... mostly)

I spent yesterday with Twin and her bwa, he's a really good guy and I like that. Few straight men make me feel at ease, and I never felt like I was being judged or as if I were an imposition. Thumbs up, Twin, pick of the litter! It felt like Friday with all the empty space in the day and having drinks, dinner and conversation with great people, but alas, in fact it was only Monday. Now Tuesday has ended and it's time for Wednesday to start. Hopefully I can keep up with posting now that free time isn't at such a premium.

Love to you all,
AA