Half-Happy Hump Day.

Soooo, oh the things to tell about today. Well, yesterday, now... but you know what I mean. I put the blogging on pause yesterday, though I did think about you all and what I might say (most of which, honestly, you needed in your life like another hole in your head.), I decided it best to take the day off from everything after class was over.

Tuesday re-cap: I took a test that I wasn't ready for, mostly because I've been slacking and unmotivated lately - I think I might get away with a C minus... my fingers are crossed. After the test I cut class to write an essay and generally recover from my brain melting out of my head. The rest of the day finished rather uneventfully, but I felt majorly depleted from the overwhelming stress wave that hit me mid morning and didn't ebb until late in the evening when I watched the dvr'd premier of this season of Project Runway with my also recently-single-and-recovering friend Blue. (so named for his very lovely eyes). We talked about our respective lives and I felt generally better.

TODAY! (She's a Doozie) -

I was supposed to gym it up with Nix, but I totally rolled over when the alarm went off at 6. - (I feel like I get caught up in exposition.... I'll work on this in this and later posts) I used the morning for a deep clean of the cat box and bill paying and set out for school feeling horrifically funky and unprepared for my coaching today. I had practiced, but not nearly enough to rehearse efficiently with the Opera demi-god that is Doug Fisher. Came into the office pensive and heavy with the proverbial cloud over my head - complete with drizzle. I spent the better part of the morning prepping for the session and in general funk. The time came to go to coach and it went.... he discovered that I am slightly dyslexic - something not many people know - which is really a mute point to me, it's part of me and integral to my being, but this time something about it felt different and I got really frustrated with myself. After I was excused I just... really needed a hug.

I texted Gem (he's texted me a couple times in the past few days) to ask if he could grab lunch. Surprisingly, he agreed, and instead of being happy I suddenly realized that I had to prepare myself for lunch with the man I am in love with who - lately at least - hasn't even consistently responded to text messages. I felt myself collapsing inward into further internal chaos until I felt like I have on occasions that don't exceed the number of fingers on one hand. When I left the office I was scraping together the goo that my brain and heart had become into some semblance of functional shape. I arrived early with the intent to bail if he was even a little late ( - We were meeting at two at Pitaria - one of the things that ran through my head was a story he told me about stalling on someone he was supposed to meet there at 2 until 4 o'clock) and yet again, surprise, he was almost exactly on time - Today was a day of fate, I am sure. - he gave me a "bro" hug made all the less intimate with the double pat on the back. - I tried not to relax into it, to seem detached and "okay"

Our conversation over chicken pitas meandered from light things into the depths of the problems we've both been facing independently. The whole time I felt like my chest could literally implode from the vacuum of my heart collapsing like a dying star. I felt physical pain being with him and not being able to hold him like I have wanted to for weeks. Eventually we came to the subject of us and he apologized for "leading me on." I took that as the jumping off point to gently tell him what I have been feeling lately. I was a graceful swan on water, my invisible feet working like mad under the surface while delivering a very composed appearance above the water. I literally was nauseous and was in the throws of indescribable physical and emotional pain but I managed to remain composed and say exactly what I wanted to say without sounding crazy, throwing up, or bursting into tears... all of which were real possibilities.
( 1 big boy point for me)

After I outlined everything, he assured me that he was not ready for anything serious yet but that he still liked me very much. He expressed his own insecurities about life and what he has been dealing with lately and slowly my emotional clouds started to fade. Toward the end of our conversation I could see in his eyes that he still has feelings for me, his eyes were searching, gentle and honest - and with that look on his face he asked me when he could see me again. In a single sentence it seemed like everything vaporized and nothing that had happened during the day even mattered. Shortly after that we both had other things that we had to do, I followed him to his truck and he reiterated that he wanted to see me, and possibly take me to lunch or dinner. (I'm not so sure that he'll have the time but the gesture was nice). I tried to stay a little slippery and not commit to anything, I'm not really sure about all this at the moment. We made tentative plans for the weekend and when we hugged, he pulled me into himself, so much so that I staggered forward and may have stepped on his shoe. He held me the way he used to, no pats this time. The hug lasted longer than I expected, but I didn't mind. When we finally released each other I coyly pulled away as he reminded me to call him about this weekend. We exchanged a few more goodbyes and I tried to err on the side of detachment.

I checked my phone as I walked away and it was exactly the time I had though it would be best to leave. The rest of the day was fairly unimportant, though my French teacher walked with me from Diffenbaugh to the Music Building chatting with me the whole way... I think she was trying to make up for last week when she called me out in front of the class, maybe not, I didn't really care too much.

I am left, after today, feeling more at peace than I have in a while. I'm not sure what my relationship with Gem will turn into, he made some friend references amid the conversation that made me sound more like good medicine for his life than someone to whom he wanted to attach himself. I am going to continue on this path of becoming more cognisant of the goals that I have and the things I must do to achieve them: God, graduation, health, recital, opera, friends, family, fitness. (list and/or order of importance subject to change on a daily basis) - I am feeling much more prepared to dive into work, tonight I read a lot of tedious bull for my classes, but didn't give up and completed my homework. - (another big boy point) - The solution for me at this point is to live and be the best me that I can manage each day. Not a storybook ending, but I feel at peace which makes me very happy. My brain no longer feels like it was divided and made to ride and keep track of a thousand trains of thought, I'm slowly pairing it down to far fewer trains going at much slower speeds.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day for me, I am so lucky to have each of you.

Thoughts, Energies, and Prayers, as always -

Best and love to each of you,

-AA




P.s.

(Why I said it was a fated day)
Interesting thoughts of the day:

Peach and I truly are living parallel lives. She and I have both had gentleman that are recently single, surprisingly perfect that we began to fall in love with only for them to disappear. Her's wrote her an email recently to ask her to coffee... and I had lunch with mine today. Now we face the problem of what do we do now?

Timing seemed to be strangely perfect today.

my horoscope, which I never read says:

We're still feeling the effects of the Venus-Mars opposition, which occurred in the wee hours of this morning. Close relationships may be experiencing a little bump in the road right now, and that alone would be enough to make anyone emotional. Add to that today's active and complex Moon, and you could feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster. Practice kindness, to yourself and others. A little will go a long way. (and Gem and I talked about signs today - (one funny coincidence is that he is Gem the Gemini; I realized this a while ago, but haven't mentioned it ) - and how we are both thinkers and we seek to find our identity, he more so right now than I.

Monday Mumbles

Monday passed. I had a pretty decent day with plenty of laughter, smiles and friends. I celebrated a friend's birthday and then came home to the empty house. The cats don't seem to fill it like they used to... I am staying busy as I can be, making plans and seeing bright sides everywhere, I just need the bright sides to stick around longer and not fade into ash quite so quickly.

The remnants of Gem's text yesterday coupled with the words of the missed connection have been jostling around in my head all day making for lots of sighing and attempts to shift focus. It seems like so much longer than two weeks since I last saw him... and two weeks is kind of an absurd amount of time in its own right. My emotional dial seems to be set on pensive lately and I can't seem to accomplish much beyond thought, though I did do well in class and my voice lesson today. Encouraging things are happening in the voice studio and I am looking forward to my performances this semester but simultaneously I feel horribly unmotivated.

My brain, heart and house are in need of spring cleaning even though it is only the end of January. I have already taken steps this year that I never knew existed, but the thick dust of complacency has been settling all over and around me for quite some time and I feel like the time has come for me to feel new and shiny again. I need to take the baton only a bit further before I am finished with this race and these last hundred yards are where I should be sprinting to the finish line... not smothering myself in clouds of thought. No breath holding, only breathing and feet to the pavement.

Positive Vibes, Prayers and Practical Advice accepted, as always.

Sorry for the odd ramble.
Best and Love to you all,

-AA

What a way for the weekend to end.

The weekend began with my flight from Tallahassee. I left a pretty big cloud of dust rising behind me as I sped away from the city for 'a weekend in the country' (I love this song, though it is only slightly related) and by country I mean my home town.

I really enjoyed myself quite a bit! I stayed home with Mom and Dad Friday night, Mom and I went shopping Saturday and I got a very nice LINCS shirt from Stein Mart, very spring/summer with light periwinkle and lilac. - (I just gayed out, I know). After shopping for the better part of the day we went to Cracker Barrel. I had a very welcome, delicious dinner with the 'rents and had few nice moments of laughter - very uplifting. I talked to Peach online, which was also very nice, we caught up our respective stories.... they're becoming ever more like bad telenovelas, (the spanish version of the Soap Opera).

This morning came and I went to church with Mom and it was bearable. Don't get me wrong, I like church, but her pastor's nickname isn't Killjoy for nothing. He gave only a mildly abrasive sermon that had merit, so, given the possibilities, I was pleased. Unfortunately, the respite in the 'country' couldn't last forever. I had a fantastic afternoon and sqeezed in lunch laundry and nap - efficient, to say the least - and then drove back to town ready to face a new week....... and almost made it through a weekend without any emotional interference.

Alas, my perfect little bubble of a weekend had to burst SOME time.

I went to a pretty fantastic faculty concert tonight and got a text from Gem some time during the second half but didn't want to be the guy that texts during a recital. (In short, it truly is bad etiquette.) -- Add that one to the "Don't open candy while someone is playing/singing" and "No flash photography, especially with a disposable camera - so nineties and NOISY"

(He texted me yesterday to say hey and we had a short exchange... so that was nice)

SO anyway, to the part you've been waiting for. I finally get around to checking the message when I am all alone leaving the recital hall, and I am so excited that he texted... (because why would he text unless he wanted to seeee me?) I read the words: Did you by any chance type a missed connection for me?
My little excited butterflies withered into smoke and I responded in the negative and inquired about how he is doing... since I haven't seen him for two weeks or spoken to him since Thursday.

My curiosity peeked and my heart a little bruised I went to check out said missed connection and I find:

Title: For closure's sake
Date: 2010-01-23, 10:40AM EST
Body:

I think you just want attention from someone, but that someone can't be me anymore. During our times together everything was great. You would leave and I would not be able to stop smiling until I fell asleep. I'm not sure what you're looking for right now..I so badly want it to be me, but your actions speak louder than your words. I can't do this to myself after putting off relationships for so long, and it just seems so easy for you to push me away. You failed. This sucks. I'm going to miss you every time I see you, guaranteed. But this isn't going to work out.

Temporarily Yours Truly, M.


This sounds FEAKISHLY similar to my situation with Gem and signed with MY INITIAL, how I sign nearly ALL familiar emails. I entertained the thought that maybe someone did it for me to 'help me out.' but that faded pretty quickly. Though some of the details are true, I am not ready to kick him to the curb yet......

I sat at the library computer for what felt like hours sinking into the hole I thought I had just left behind.

I was so glad to have a place to go tonight. The Three Musketeers -Momma, Mix, and MackG who always seem to occur as a trio in my life invited me over. I had a good fourty-five minutes of fun - laughing about our board-gaming last Friday and making plans to do the same this Friday. I settled a bit from the terse and almost emotionless text from Gem, had a flute of Champagne and then came home to work on homework... which I still haven't done.

I talked to Eesh, who once again is doubting her talents because of a less than laudable first showing of a student production. - I told her that she'd done her best and that's all one can do and she bucked up a bit. Then I dished to her about life as a crusty old undergrad with boy problems who just wants someone to take care of him. She listened politely and didn't offer much that I hadn't already considered, but I really appreciated the ear and the heart she offered.

Now chatting up Peach and needing to get to bed. The day has been okay and I think I shall sleep well with the light breeze running through the trees next to my window - the left overs from the howling winds that tossed my truck around as I drove back to Tallanasty.

I shall introduce a new lady to you soon, a very good and dear friend that I am supposed to get my gym on with on Wednesday. You'll like her!! - I really should steal a page out of Peach's Blog and write a post indexing the people and more specifically the women of my life. Look for that one and sleep or daydream well dearest friends,

Best and love to you all,
-AA

Sent Message

I've been tossing around the idea of sending Gem a message all day, kind of as a peace offering since our last texts weren't quite like our usual conversations - Relapse, I know - BUT ,I feel like am being true to myself and what I need by sending him this, so I neither feel sad or any sort of regret for doing so. I decided to go with the Facebook option because it's fairly uninvasive, unlike texting which sort of comes into your space my message will sit in his inbox and he can chose to read it or not. (Obviously I've been thinking about this for a while - all that time I should have been practicing, but who cares right now, right? ....) So, this is what I wrote:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gem,

Just wanted to say hi and let you know that I was thinking of you. I hope that all is going well. I'm trying to stay out of your hair and let you do what you feel you need to do, but I just want you to know that I am still thinking about you and sending you good energy. I'll be out of town this weekend, but if you'd like to hang sometime in the next couple weeks, I'd really enjoy that. :)

best,
-AA

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I feel like that is pretty openended yet implies if not screams that I still care but am not trying to lurk around. I am not expecting anything and I am suppressing hope that anything will occur on his end, but I allowed myself to put my feelings out there, staying true to myself and my needs which I think is a step in the right direction.

In other news, today was very busy. Many classes to attend, etc. I was going to take a walk around campus again, but had to go to the post office and by the time I got back just didn't have to will power to go anywhere - I ended up passed out on my bed for almost four hours...fully dressed WITH SHOES STILL ON! I laughed at myself when I woke up. The laughter felt oddly foreign but delicious and fulfilling.

As a part of my self-induced therapy, I am taking a little trip home this weekend amid all the things I have to take care of and the stuff that "must" be done I know that going home for a few days will be comforting and helpful in reestablishing my emotional equilibrium. ( I may blog from home to update on any further developments, or I might have a technology free weekend - which honestly sounds much more fulfilling... Either way, you'll get the news eventually.) I have been calling on my childhood memories of Golden Girls, Designing Women, Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Nine to Five, and Working Girl to inform this internal application of support.... and just in case I've forgotten how to be a Strong Southern Gentille Powerhouse, I have most of these in my personal collection oooor Lifetime tv,( yeah, I said it.) Something about the strength and perseverance of these women... the fact that they meet and defeat their obstacles while remaining human is empowering to me. I feel like I can never find a male protagonist that makes me feel as good as these women do.

Anyway, Sooner or later you'll hear from me... Tell yo mamma an'dem I axe'em how they durrin.

Love and Laughter
-AA

drizzly day dabbling

So, today, I slept in late - I needed it. I dragged around work until I just couldn't be next to my office mate/ex-boyfriend and just had to escape

(For nearly a year, I sopped around the house, the Store, the school and the church like a dirty old biscuit, dirty and inedible. - Maya Angelou, from Sister Flowers - worth the read)

I came home to watch a movie for one of my classes and cried for the first time in a while. Oddly fulfilling... and after that the day kind of started to look up

- - well, minus the whole waking toward Diffenbaugh and seeing a carbon copy of Gem and then in French class, where the teacher told me... in English in front of the class, that I basically had little to no business being in there... then I responded in French and she decided that maybe I wasn't a total loss. - -

Toward the end of class I had decided that I would take a walk when I got home. It was fantastic. I walked the outer perimeter of campus at a leisurely speed listening to the mix I made for Twin and something about it made me feel liberated and revived. The music was just as therapeutic as the hour and a half of vacuous sidewalk following. I didn't have to make any decisions or think about anyone or anything. I did think about the words and the melodies of the music a lot... a lot of it speaks to where I am right now in life and in large part is mostly very soothing. I returned home and finished Inch'Allah Dimanche -(The cliff notes version: Zouina, the protagonist, struggles the entire movie and finally succeeds in the end her self-assertion etc brings us to the end of the movie - yay happy ending) the movie for my class and ruminated in the peace that came over me from the walk and the journey of Zouina who succeeded against much more difficult odds.

The cool drizzle made for great sound effects and perfect cyber surfing weather. - I found/rediscovered fabulous things from DwellStudio and Urban Oufitters. I love these two graphic and marvelous patterns. The first, Gio Aqua, is something I am seriously considering for my bedroom at my parent's house. I think it might be time to paint over the hunter green walls with this fantastic color "coconut shell" that I recently used in my room at my house.

Boring post, I know, but catharsis can't always be exciting.

Love to you all,
-AA

Womenly Wiles

I like alliteration - you know this - but this is for the darling, helpful and marvelous women of my life:

Aid - I was telling Twin a few nights ago how truly lucky I feel to have met you. Your knowledge and comforting words have really been a marvelous place to curl up in and hide myself in when I am feeling my ugliest. You have truly shown me strength that I didn't know I had and have given me access to one more small piece of myself.... This piece of me that allows me to realize what it is that I need, and ask for it without feeling selfish or out-of-line. I think you are marvelous and I can't express to you how much I enjoy and have grown to love you and your company.

Twin - I hope that you are enjoying the multi-cd playlist I constructed for you. I gave you some of myself in those pieces of music. ---- I realize more than ever that you are not my twin, but our souls are definitely cut from the same cloth. How interesting that it started with us just saying the same words at the same time and now has turned into a truly lovely and enriching relationship.

Truly, the three of us are all similar, but different people. I do feel like the weakest link when I am with you, the least developed and most emotionally juvenile, but I never feel like I am out of place or that I am seen in any sort of inferior light. We are stones sharpening each other, sharing through our life experience what it is we've learned. - I hope that I have something of value to offer you one day to repay the debt I owe to you both.

Eesh - Thank you for your constant support and love, I could not be where I am without you. Thank you for always bringing me laughter when I am stuck in my usual rut, providing unique and unapologetic advice and never failing to always be yourself with me without question.

Peach - We're going to a) have to work on a name for you, should you not like this one, but b) and more importantly: I love you and all that you are, I believe in you and think that this hiccup, is just that, a momentary, passing event that will resolve and whatever the outcome you will be better for it. I miss you terribly and really wish that I too was in ATL just to be close to you.

Mom - I love and admire you despite our differences. You have sacrificed for my every need and want and I cannot say how very special I feel. I am truly honored to be your son and I hope that I make you proud. You are the living Julia Sugarbaker that I get my fire and passion from, sweet and nurturing heart, work ethic, and everything else in-between. I am truly my mother's son and I would never change that.


Thank you for the strength you give me, the problems you have helped me to solve and most of all for being strong women of character and conviction. Bless you for all the things you have do and will do in your lifetime.

Love to each of you
-AA

Shelf life.

The title of tonight's post has a dual meaning....

a) I feel like I have been shelved
b) I get the feeling have reached my expiration date

-------------------------------------------------

I haven't written anything in few days because I honestly have been trying to fill my life with anything and everything that isn't Gem, but true to form, I can't get him out of my head. I guess this is just karma paying me back for past and future sins. This has kind of become my mental dumping ground for all things Gem, I keep mentally vomiting more and more things into print and I think that after this post, I am going to put Gem to bed.

Though I don't feel ready to close the door without a neat and concise ribbon tied around the neatly wrapped square package I have synthesized, I am really doing myself damage here in the cyber and real world. I feel like Gem is keeping me beyond arm's length now and I think it best to stop pushing and hurting myself; fighting with myself and creating a world built solely upon postulation. My over analytical brain has been second-guessing everything where he's concerned and where there was the greatest happiness I've ever known, now there is a void - the space I created in my heart for him to occupy. I want to fight with him , for him, to make him see the genuine, strong and beautiful feelings I have for him but it seems that that will only alienate him from me. I say this based on the fact that after not seeing each other for more than a week, and when given more than ample opportunity, he has consistently chosen other people to spend his time with over me. Yesterday I waited all day for him, and stayed awake only to get a phone call that said he needed to stay home after spending the better part of the day doing nothing and then going out to drink and then to a movie. - Once again, reduced to rubbish, I asked to see him today and I thought we had made plans.... however, he just informed me via text that he had only stated he'd call me not that we'd see each other. This time, I almost felt this was going to happen. I've been shelved. Tucked away to be the option and not the priority.

I actually thought about what it would be like to see him with someone else. This weekend, needless to say, was full of free time to mentally slit my wrists. I don't think I could see him with anyone else without great personal injury... and though he said he would be dating me if he was able to date anyone, I just can't help but think that I always lose at love because I buy in too soon. I believe that this relationship, friendship or otherwise is about to arrive DOA at the nearest relationship clinic. - All relationships have a shelf life and I think that I have pushed Gem too far in his supposed fragile state, he doesn't realize that for as happy and resilient as I seem, I too am teetering of the edge of marvel or disaster.

Gem and I never really built a friendship.... we went straight into something more serious and I'm just not sure how to reset myself to that place where I can think of him without the Love I have for him and the relationship we had begun to build.

I'm still unsettled, something that can only be soothed by having a talk with the man himself, but something tells me that despite his promises to see me more than ever, the phone calls and text messages will dwindle to nothing and he will forget about me. If in the next few days he does find time to talk to me, then maybe I can make more sense of myself in the context of his life, but if he doesn't I cannot allow myself to be poisoned by my thoughts.

I need to find a healthy means of releasing this crazy brand of energy which is why I will soon start back to the gym and make a more concerted effort where school and musical projects are concerned. I was never made to be a wilted flower and thus must fight for my place in the sun, and I shall have it, with or without Gem. - I'm not really sure if I can close the door on him just yet, maybe things will change... but I am no longer going to allow myself to leave my schedule at his mercy. Time to get out the planner and duck my head for a busy semester with a full social calendar.

Thoughts, energy and above all Prayers are welcome,

I love you
-AA