Shelf life.

The title of tonight's post has a dual meaning....

a) I feel like I have been shelved
b) I get the feeling have reached my expiration date

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I haven't written anything in few days because I honestly have been trying to fill my life with anything and everything that isn't Gem, but true to form, I can't get him out of my head. I guess this is just karma paying me back for past and future sins. This has kind of become my mental dumping ground for all things Gem, I keep mentally vomiting more and more things into print and I think that after this post, I am going to put Gem to bed.

Though I don't feel ready to close the door without a neat and concise ribbon tied around the neatly wrapped square package I have synthesized, I am really doing myself damage here in the cyber and real world. I feel like Gem is keeping me beyond arm's length now and I think it best to stop pushing and hurting myself; fighting with myself and creating a world built solely upon postulation. My over analytical brain has been second-guessing everything where he's concerned and where there was the greatest happiness I've ever known, now there is a void - the space I created in my heart for him to occupy. I want to fight with him , for him, to make him see the genuine, strong and beautiful feelings I have for him but it seems that that will only alienate him from me. I say this based on the fact that after not seeing each other for more than a week, and when given more than ample opportunity, he has consistently chosen other people to spend his time with over me. Yesterday I waited all day for him, and stayed awake only to get a phone call that said he needed to stay home after spending the better part of the day doing nothing and then going out to drink and then to a movie. - Once again, reduced to rubbish, I asked to see him today and I thought we had made plans.... however, he just informed me via text that he had only stated he'd call me not that we'd see each other. This time, I almost felt this was going to happen. I've been shelved. Tucked away to be the option and not the priority.

I actually thought about what it would be like to see him with someone else. This weekend, needless to say, was full of free time to mentally slit my wrists. I don't think I could see him with anyone else without great personal injury... and though he said he would be dating me if he was able to date anyone, I just can't help but think that I always lose at love because I buy in too soon. I believe that this relationship, friendship or otherwise is about to arrive DOA at the nearest relationship clinic. - All relationships have a shelf life and I think that I have pushed Gem too far in his supposed fragile state, he doesn't realize that for as happy and resilient as I seem, I too am teetering of the edge of marvel or disaster.

Gem and I never really built a friendship.... we went straight into something more serious and I'm just not sure how to reset myself to that place where I can think of him without the Love I have for him and the relationship we had begun to build.

I'm still unsettled, something that can only be soothed by having a talk with the man himself, but something tells me that despite his promises to see me more than ever, the phone calls and text messages will dwindle to nothing and he will forget about me. If in the next few days he does find time to talk to me, then maybe I can make more sense of myself in the context of his life, but if he doesn't I cannot allow myself to be poisoned by my thoughts.

I need to find a healthy means of releasing this crazy brand of energy which is why I will soon start back to the gym and make a more concerted effort where school and musical projects are concerned. I was never made to be a wilted flower and thus must fight for my place in the sun, and I shall have it, with or without Gem. - I'm not really sure if I can close the door on him just yet, maybe things will change... but I am no longer going to allow myself to leave my schedule at his mercy. Time to get out the planner and duck my head for a busy semester with a full social calendar.

Thoughts, energy and above all Prayers are welcome,

I love you
-AA