Finding Space to give.

I no longer have lost-child-in-wal-mart syndrome.

Gem came through and called at about 12 am yesterday morning, I had already turned off all the lights and laid down when I heard the phone buzz against the nightstand. He apologized for being out of reach and gave his typical " I didn't have my phone on me" ( for 4 hours? Really!? Maybe I'm just too technologically connected/dependent.) Anyway, I was feeling adventurous and had just been writing about the situation in my journal, I asked him if he had time to talk. He knew it was serious by the tone of my voice and asked if he could call back in 20 mins. - I knew that if he did call back it'd be more than 20 mins, so I decided to just get comfortable and sleep, if the phone woke me, we'd talk.... if it didn't, I had at least tried to initiate he conversation. At 1:15, I awoke to the phone dancing on the nightstand once more, it was Gem, a little tardy but this time I didn't mind so much.

I cut straight to the chase, feeling empowered to tel him what was happening with me and how I felt neglected and ignored. I did so in my polite and well constructed fashion, staying very composed which I liked. I felt assertive without being demanding or doing the normal mental pee-dance that always seems to happen where I am trying to gage what the other person is feeling and how I am effecting them. Gem listened and respected my honesty. After we talked for about 20 minutes, he said he wanted to come see me, which he did.

We sat on my couch and talked, I mostly listened, but Gem finally spilled all the beans he's been keeping inside, I spilled a few things myself and overall it was up-lifting. Gem did admit that he wasn't ready for a relationship and would need space, so.... I am letting him be in charge of contacting me. I told him how I feel about him, but I am not going to be the one constantly calling and texting someone who asked for "space."

When he left, we hugged and he told me not to feel like I was losing anything but I couldn't help but feel like we were breaking up. I got into bed again and just ... wanted to cry, but tears wouldn't come. Even though I was sad, there was solace in the emotional release of telling him what I as going through.

I'm trying to decide what to do now. I really have no idea what TO do. Some would say forget about him and find someone new, others that I should give him space and wait because he said he'd e back... just not when.

I feel... indifferent... about most things right now. Like life is just a series of hoops to ump through that are kind of meaningless, and I am sad, I did feel a pretty serious pang when I saw him come up on my mini-feed. Damn Facebook. ;) I think he's worth waiting for but truly I'm not sure how long I can be in the midst of this amorphous land of not knowing. My plan from here is to surround myself with friends and experience life as I did before Gem came along. I he reincorporates himself in some capacity, that's up to him, I have created the space in my heart, I have sacrificed and made room, putting other things aside, and I have now created distance for him to exist in and deal with his problems. I can't spend my time aching to call or see him. He has to come to me. I just feel like it has to be that way.


Gem, babe, I really do love you. I can say that here where it's safe. I have never felt this way about anyone.... all the past relationships of my life don't compare in the slightest to you and what I think and feel for you, but I can tell that though I care so much for you now, that if you take too long, I may not be able to get back to this place, where I feel this insane strong heart-wrenching feelings for you. Please don't make me wait too long.

I have found the space to give you, use it well, stretch your legs and strut about, finding in yourself the things you believe you are missing. In the mean time, I'll be, despite my best efforts, missing you.

(These words , among other song lyrics, have been parading through my head since Gem left. For that reason I almost titled my post, Music Therapy.....)

Come ready and see me
No matter how late
Come before the years run out
I’m waiting with a candle,
No wind will blow out
But if you must haste on foot or by sky
For no one waits for ever
Under the bluest sky
I can’t wait forever
For the years are running out.
-- James Purdy --


Anyway, as if you weren't weary from reading, if you did in act make it through all the loosely connected tired story, sorry for rambling and painful sentences lacking any sort of brilliance or eloquence. Better posts and better feelings to come, darlings, I promise.

Night
-AA