Gem to Germ?

In an attempt to not be the emo boy that I am inside I am coming here instead of posting on my facebook status what I feel right now. (I wanted to write, AA is floored by the events that have or haven't taken place but is simultaneously not surprised. - Gem is turning into a Germ)

I saw Gem for the first time since... perhaps... last Tuesday... I think. I am wondering to myself how is it that I can be dating someone that I never see or talk to, so anyway... I saw him last night. After he got off work he was supposed to call me.... but didn't. I texted a few times and then finally just called only to get his voicemail for which i was royally pissed. I laid down in my bed, turned off the lamp and felt that giant emotional vomitous ball of junk welling up inside of me once again. I wanted to be everywhere on the emotional spectrum, and nearly turned myself into a screaming crying mess before I heard the buzzing of my phone on the nightstand. Twas Gem. He first apologized and then explained that he was extremely tired and had passed out instead of calling. He said he'd come over but I decided to head to his place instead. Ideally I would have liked to talk to him, but didn't push it, he said we'd grab bunch in the afternoon when we got up. I slept pretty terribly and was grumpy this morning when one of his friends came to steal him for the day to get some work done on this campaign he's part of. He promised he'd call when they were getting back from doing their business and I said I was cool with that.

I went about my day making plans and doing things that needed to be done. I also discovered that I do some really good thinking in the shower. In many different languages. I came upon the thought that text messages are too passive and I should call Gem from now on, if I can help it and if there is something I want him to do for me then I will in-turn do the same, or perhaps start the ball rolling with the golden rule: do unto others.... So, what I really want from Gem is investment in my life, wondering how I am and what's going on in my life, I need it from him for some reason. I think that 's a partial source of my awkward insanity, I just care SO much about him that I can't handle feeling like I'm an afterthought in his everyday life.

(I also thought about making my Fb status Nice guys finish last, there is a double entendre there.... know what it is???)

So, showered, caught up on Dvr'd tv and went to the library to mindlessly hand copy diction notes into a score. Had dinner with some really sweet friends and then back to the libz to finish up the mindless note copying. On the way I texted Gem, he eventually responded - small talkish stuff but asked what I was up to and I asked if he'd like to come over. Communication at that point stopped. I called as I was leaving the library, somewhere around 9:30 and then again at about 9:55. He still hasn't called or texted, he's probably passed out on his bed or... I don't even know where... not even worried about how much this is shitting on my emotions right now. Once again the convo is postponed, even though he promised he'd call, he failed to and here I am left wondering why am I hard to remember when I am not with him. He said all the right things to get me on the line, but now I'm just stuck out in the water with little desire to continue this heart-wrenching endeavor. That wasn't a fantastic analogy, but I'm not at the peak of sentential construction at the moment. My head is too busy trying to manage everything else.

Positive thoughts and feelings and prayers accepted from all readers

I'm going to sleep this off
Night
- AA