Play that Funky Music White Boy.

My general mood lately has been funky. I have been inundated with feelings of desire for Gem. I really have no idea what in the world is going on... I've been writing more than ever, trying to purge in words what my head and my heart are trying so desperately to sort out. Gem's been awol physically and emotionally as of late, I'm not sure if he's bailing and just not telling me, or if this is his Modus Operandi.... I am pretty head over heals for Gem, unlike I have been for anyone in my, albeit short but intense, love life. I can honestly say that I am fairly smitten and I am inextricably emotionally tangled.... to that end: FUCK. I feel like I have learned everything and nothing in my past relationships to prepare me for this one.

( I thought to myself today that I am a flower of the winter. I am something amusing, out of place, beautiful to some, harmful to few... I am novel but out of season, simultaneously meant to be where I am because nature said it should be so, but I am not like many other people, the multitude that flower in spring. )

Digressions aside, I talked to three women tonight about what to do with this seeming failure to keep the "crazy" at bay. I first sought advice from Eesh, she and I have been closer than we are now but as a general rule we understand each other while living totally separate and sometimes divergent lives. Eesh told me to slow my role, introduce Gem into the crazy little by little as the women of her family were taught to do. Later in our conversation when we'd moved onto another subject, she frankly said that she was not me... which now gives me pause. If she would not do as I would in a situation, why am I considering doing what she's done where relationships are concerned aaaand she's never had a serious boyfriend. Youth, for all it has in its favor, does not always imply experience. After dinner and time with the guys I found myself in the company of two young women who, I think, understand me a little better than Eesh, one with whom I seem to have endless parallel thoughts and who I like to call Twin and one I recently met and love, Aid - a very helpful and beautiful woman that could not have had more thoughtful things to impart. Speaking with and hanging with these ladies was a pleasure and one thing that really stuck with me from the whole conversation is the idea that I must remember myself and what I require from myself and others as well as though I have an ability to see something from a global point of view I shouldn't let that negate my singular instinct. Basically Aid put it this way, be who you are always, and those who can accept that will and those who can't will travel on their way.

I don't plan to hit Gem with an onslaught of "crazy" - which isn't in fact crazy at all - but rather sit with him and have a chat with carefully chosen words to tell him how I feel about him and what I need from him. Wish me luck.

-AA