I am a child of the tide

After little sleep, much thought, space given and deeds wrought I have come to a place close to peace. I am still thinking of Gem everyday but trying not to allow myself more than a few minutes to do so. I am airing myself out, staying busy and only allowing my heart to muse about him in my down time - which this week has been minimal. I have reached a point of indifference, where I feel both detached and connected to Gem and I'm okay. The longer I stay here in this space that "we" have created the farther away I feel myself drifting. .... and though he is one of the people in my life that has had such a dramatic effect on me that I can't really write the sum of the parts into words, I know that this will grow stale for me without his attention and cultivation. I'm not sure that I will be able to open my heart to him as I did when these wounds have all healed. For some reason I imagine myself in a boat with a length of rope that runs from me to the dock. I'm drifting farther away from the dock and if he doesn't grab the rope before I drift too far there will be no recovering me from the distance he's allowed to grow between us. I think we'll b friends perhaps, but I doubt he'll be "ready" before I'm gone.

Melancholic and a bit dramatic/romantic a la the superfluous man of Russian Lit. .... I was born to live in a different time, lol, we know this already..... and I probably should have been a woman.

Case in point: Today, my romantic mind thought of spring and flowers. I am a perpetual giver of flowers and expensive gifts, a sacrificer of all things to create someone else's happy moments where they feel special and important. - Today, I thought how nice it must be to receive flowers unexpectedly. I envisioned a bouquet of flowers on my welcome mat with a nice little note. Then my brain let loose and I saw my house decked with a floor full of flowers, walls white with roses to the ceiling, my own private meadow of beautiful buds. As I walked up the steps to the stoop, no flowers, and no flowers inside either, but the moments in my head were beautiful. Maybe one day I'll see it in real life? As I walked inside and shut the door, I thought of the likelihood of this would be slim, seeing as I seem to have a running streak of suitors who more about self than sacrifice.... but still, the image was beautiful and tomorrow is a chance for something new and exciting to happen.