Sent Message

I've been tossing around the idea of sending Gem a message all day, kind of as a peace offering since our last texts weren't quite like our usual conversations - Relapse, I know - BUT ,I feel like am being true to myself and what I need by sending him this, so I neither feel sad or any sort of regret for doing so. I decided to go with the Facebook option because it's fairly uninvasive, unlike texting which sort of comes into your space my message will sit in his inbox and he can chose to read it or not. (Obviously I've been thinking about this for a while - all that time I should have been practicing, but who cares right now, right? ....) So, this is what I wrote:

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Gem,

Just wanted to say hi and let you know that I was thinking of you. I hope that all is going well. I'm trying to stay out of your hair and let you do what you feel you need to do, but I just want you to know that I am still thinking about you and sending you good energy. I'll be out of town this weekend, but if you'd like to hang sometime in the next couple weeks, I'd really enjoy that. :)

best,
-AA

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I feel like that is pretty openended yet implies if not screams that I still care but am not trying to lurk around. I am not expecting anything and I am suppressing hope that anything will occur on his end, but I allowed myself to put my feelings out there, staying true to myself and my needs which I think is a step in the right direction.

In other news, today was very busy. Many classes to attend, etc. I was going to take a walk around campus again, but had to go to the post office and by the time I got back just didn't have to will power to go anywhere - I ended up passed out on my bed for almost four hours...fully dressed WITH SHOES STILL ON! I laughed at myself when I woke up. The laughter felt oddly foreign but delicious and fulfilling.

As a part of my self-induced therapy, I am taking a little trip home this weekend amid all the things I have to take care of and the stuff that "must" be done I know that going home for a few days will be comforting and helpful in reestablishing my emotional equilibrium. ( I may blog from home to update on any further developments, or I might have a technology free weekend - which honestly sounds much more fulfilling... Either way, you'll get the news eventually.) I have been calling on my childhood memories of Golden Girls, Designing Women, Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Nine to Five, and Working Girl to inform this internal application of support.... and just in case I've forgotten how to be a Strong Southern Gentille Powerhouse, I have most of these in my personal collection oooor Lifetime tv,( yeah, I said it.) Something about the strength and perseverance of these women... the fact that they meet and defeat their obstacles while remaining human is empowering to me. I feel like I can never find a male protagonist that makes me feel as good as these women do.

Anyway, Sooner or later you'll hear from me... Tell yo mamma an'dem I axe'em how they durrin.

Love and Laughter
-AA