Homo for hire.

Something about that title sounds a little suspect... maybe a little slutty, but it is true dear reader, I am looking for a J.O.B. - and not of the gigolo variety, and I don't need to be anyone else's sassy gay friend. I am giving all my sass at work or in other appropriate situations.

The one that I really wanted fell through like whoa. Looking back on my life I feel like it, like many other things I wanted, I talked about far too much. That seems to happen to me, the more I talk about something that I really want the less possible it becomes. Is it just me? I have purposefully refrained from posting since last Wednesday when I realized that they wouldn't be calling me for a second interview because I was pretty depressed about it - which revealed something else about myself that I often do. I make plans on top of plans: meaning that I didn't have the job yet, but I was imagining what I would do if I had it.... counting my chickens before they hatched, if you will... I even looked at property in Tallahassee and found a house that I kind of love. I took a few pictures of the inside that I may post... we'll see. But, anyway, thanks to a couple people here at the office and L'Bergique ....and my Momma, I shook of the funk realizing that if I had gotten the job it might have cemented me in Tallahassee for who knows how long and though I am still interested in Higher Ed. Admin. I think that in the past few weeks I have made some more breakthroughs with the Voce and a career of singing or teaching singers seems more real than ever. Also, though this feeling may fade, I was not afraid of all of the possibilities that were put back onto the table when this job idea feel through. (I'm sort of thinking of going to Massage therapy or Bartending school, having a job that can be mobile and allows me to make money wherever I am or decide I'd like to be. i.e. NOT in Tally.)

Though I am still worried about my recital, I feel free. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything and it isn't scary. I have a blow-up mattress and a reliable ride, being a gypsy for a little while might be fun... maybe. (We'll see about that last part, I'm a nester and eventually would want a nest in which I could roost long term.) The feeling of exciting freedom is one that I haven't had in a while. I've been a little down trodden lately, negative and kind of... just over everything - living the zombie life, phoning it in, whatever you want to say. The numbness and the cloudy, asleep, depressed, managed and op/ suppressed feeling is gone. I have been consistently happy all week, well, minus yesterday morning - but everyone has funks, right?

I am going to focus my energy and effort on my recital and let that be my reward to myself. A great final note to end on with flare, panache, and artistry. I also FINALLY sent Beau his birthday gift and got it out of my house and off my mind. FedEx delivered it yesterday and he hasn't called or texted, which basically says to me: "you're set free" - - though I had one of the fastest and most intimate beautiful spark of a relationship with hi, I think that he just can't handle me - whether it be for geographical reasons, or... whatever - but I've decided to stop seeking him. (He is the only man I have ever held hands with in public... needless to say I think of that moment very fondly. tangent.) He will come to me if he wants to, and as of now, he is unable or doesn't want to make the time to acknowledge me. So... if someone doesn't have the time for you, why spend your time mentally reaming yourself over them!?( Maybe he's just not that into you...)

In other news, L'Bergique and I have gotten closer over the past few weeks and I feel like I can trust him - last night we had a weird conversation where he alluded to being more than friends.... and I'm not into him that way.... sooo anyway. Tangent.

Lessons of the day/week: A) Embrace freedom, though the possibilities are endless do not let them overwhelm you. B) Love yourself and find yourself beautiful regardless of the input (or lack there of) of others. C) and, of course, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch"

I am riding the high or happiness and I hope that happiness is inhabiting your life also! Looking forward to Lunch with Twin and Dinner with Jewels tomorrow. Concert of a friend tonight, and much music to work on!!!! C'est ma vie, et je l'aime.

Best, and Love to you all!!!
AA

(A little happy for Mon amie La Pêche)

Dreamy ditties

These songs share something that just feels.... right and "me" right now. Jekyll and Hyde , Granados, Pan's Labyrinth, Pippin's Song, Rufus, Schubert, Sondheim, Sleep, Spring Awakening.


The play list could go on forever. Good night loves of mine, sleep well - love to you all

AA

Weekend and Work out

I thought I would post this separately, just to make my ideas a little easier to wrangle into cohesive manageable bits.

Sunday was definitely a fun day! I carved Pumpkins with Twin and friends, and celebrated the wedding of two loverly people Twin and her man from the Muddy Mississip. After that I dropped my flaming eyed/Frankenstein pumpkin off at the house and had take out Chinese with Iota. We've been hanging out a lot lately and have hooked up a few times.... my hoe phase has slowed, but not yet ended.... he's a frat guy, masculine but still approachable, nice. Handsome face, but not yet 21 - (I'm a cradle-robbin' fool, I know) anyway we hung out and then I went to watch Nick and Norah' infinite playlist with someone that I'm kind of interested in, Law'd, because Lawdy he look good and he's smart, sweet and a bit of a bitch, but it works for him oh and mostly because he works for a lobbying firm. We've spent as much time together as possible over the past couple weeks when we are in the same place. There's an interesting past there too... I'll tell you one day. Slept in my own bed - I love my bed, by the way - It is a toss up between my bed and Frosted Flakes which I would marry right now if one could wed inanimate comforting objects.

Monday I tried to take care of some school business, had a giggly voice therapy session, canceled my rehearsal with my accompanist, had a meeting with MY PERSONAL TRAINER - who kicked my ass, and helped put up Halloween decorations for the final party at Rayn this Friday. Post party I went and hung out with Iota - got into bed early but ended up doing a lot more than sleeping. Whooops lol.

Today went to work early, and battled with a professor/adviser all day to get credit for a class I needed for graduation. I was eventually victorious after jumping through many hoops and getting very lucky that the new departmental coordinator likes me. Post hoop-jumping I got to see one of my favorite people, Vamp Champ!! I surprised him in his office and we had a nice little chat for about 20 mins. I need to get more of him in my life.

Unfortunately today did not pass without lemons. I figured out that two of my recital sets are pretty unfortunately similar. I might have to rework the program... again... a month before my recital jury. Please pray for my soul - it may be devoured by my voice teacher when I next talk to him. Yay! I ran into Eesh today, she walked away from me in mid conversation to talk to someone else.... rude? She's done that a few times lately and instead of letting it bother me, I just don't hang around to finish the thought that I had been expressing and go about my business - today, I chose to come home and make myself a few pb and j sandwiches, yum!

All in all the week has gotten off to what you might call a mediocre start, but I think that what I can do is make the set of songs work by adding some option instruments? We'll see. And that is the plan for now - Pandora was pumping positive tunes all day today, so some of that energy has stuck with me. I'm trying to keep a good outlook on the situation and just do the best I can with what I have been handed. The morals of the day are: 1) be nice to everyone you come into contact with, you never know when you might need them in your corner (and it's just the right thing to do) and 2) life is full of bumps in the road, but as life is a road not a parking lot, you have to keep going - better to do it with a smile than a frown.

Riding the top of the positive wave, but always in need of your thoughts, prayers and positive energy.

Love to you all,
AA

When the words wont wait

Well, I don't know how to start tonight, so I'll just begin. Today isn't really the focus of my post but it does have something to do with the way I am feeling, I think.

Basically the idea is that I am too uptight - I just feel like I let too many things bother me because I am so particular. For example, I love my room mates very much, however I do not love the things they do. I received a bottle of wine for my birthday, a bottle of wine that seems to be missing at the moment. No one asked and no one bothered to tell me it had been consumed, but never the less it is gone. I feel slightly tread upon and I don't really want to say "okay now, I'm going to put my name on everything I buy and you can't have any" but I think that maybe our house rules are a little too vague and err on the side of me buying things that other people end up using. I don't mind the use, just the lack of permission or information that it has been used. At least replace it...... and friends.... if you use something, and you are going to replace it, replace it with exactly what you used or better. Do not "borrow" a roll of Kleenex Cottonelle toilet paper from me and replace it with Scott Single-ply sandpaper bull-crap....

Anyway, there's a bit of a bee in my bonnet and I hate that I am upset about something so small but if I don't say something then I will just become passive aggressive.... sooooo, talking to them tomorrow.

Also, it bothers me that my mom forgets things that I tell her. Not run-of-the-mill "how's the weather" details, but the fact that I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that I have been talking to her about for weeks and she never gets the details right. (I have accepted that I expect a lot from those I love...) It makes me upset to be asked multiple times for the exact same information. I feel unimportant and marginal; an after thought.

I realize, in thinking about these things, that it will take someone very patient and very special to deal with me for the rest of my life. I just have high expectations because I give more than the average person to my acquaintances and even more to those I love and I need reciprocation. This sort of feeling has kind of gotten to me with Eesh, too. This weekend I ran into her at the Greek festival with a bunch of other people and though she says she misses me and wishes I was around more, she never invites me to do anything. Frankly, I haven't spent time with her alone since before my birthday. I feel marginalized, unimportant; an after thought.

I am worth more than that. I am worth more than empty words and half-ass effort. I am valuable and I do not believe that I should be in situations where I do not feel valued.

On that note - I had a lovely weekend with Twin and friends. She always makes me feel included, important and at ease. I think we just understand each other? It isn't that she showers me with attention, but she does however make me feel like a whole person. She makes me feel like her equal and I think that that is what I am looking for - friends, family, love interests that value me as much as they value themselves. (this whole trite sounding rant makes me think of Berstein's cycle "I hate music")

Anyway - dearest choir to which I am preaching, Love to you all,

AA

Big People in my little World

As a point of reference, here are the people that I talk about:

Aid - A wonderful lady who is working her pants off up north, full of insight, wit, kindness and just a fantastic person to share time with. Miss seeing her more often. She was given this name because she personally and professionally provides people with all sorts of support to help them make it through this journey called life.

Becks - Cool girl that I don't get to spend too much time with, room mate of MiniVann, always down to party beautiful person inside and out. Given her name because she's a party girl but she's way classier than bud, coors, or michelob.

Beau - The boy that got away and might have come back... we'll see. He's aloof, beautiful, a bit of a bitch and yet my knees buckle when I think about him. He speaks French fluently, plays the piano quite well, is tall and solidly built, he has lovely eyes (a weakness of mine) and... lives in Tampa. He got his name because it means, basically, boyfriend in French which is slightly hopeful and slightly ironic - since... he isn't mine.

Blue - a bit of an interesting history here, he has reportedly dated two of my exes. He is super sweet, and a little interested in me(?), but we make our relationship work quite well just being friends. He got his name for his amazing blue eyes and his propensity to feel emotions deeply.

Chem - an ex of an ex, who is smarter than most people you could meet, sweeter than most anyone you could meet and sexier than most anyone you could meet. He holds multiple degrees in chemistry and thus because I feel a little chemical reaction when I see him and his knowledge of the interaction of elements his name was easy to come up with.

Chrome Diva - An eclectic woman by all accounts, but one of the most fantastic people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and working for; a good friend, a good mentor, and a good person. She had her own motorcycle and often the headlights were on, a sassy lady for sure.

Double C - The crazy fun fabulous lady that always has me laughing and listening to live music, two c names that always must be said together created her pseudonym.

Eesh -A youngin' who might drive me crazy a lot of the time, but I still have a lot of love for her. Her name comes from her parents and the sound I often make when I am frustrated with her.

Gem (germ) - So named for his value as a person, and ironically coincidental that he's a Gemini. He's moved off to the mountains and out of my mind but for a while there in the beginning he had my full attention.

Hillz - Pal and Confidant she is, my womb-mate.

Iota - Frat man, with a handsome mug - little bit young (Turns 21 Nov 2010) but has his head on his shoulders. Named for his frat roots.

Jewels - A woman that I have grown to love and respect so much over the time I have known her. She has walked the road and lived to tell about it and she is the warmest person, a giver and protector. So named for her faith and her words of wisdom.

Law'd - He's quite the looker, this one. Charming and nice with a bit of an edge, he works for a lobbying firm and thus partially his name comes from his involvement in law making. It also comes from my love of recreating Ebonics in text "Lawd, he fine."

L'Bergique - enigmatic, kind, fierce and wonderful. Always himself regardless of the situation, never put on or fake - a true friend always. So named because though a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, nothing describes a rose better than it's own name.

MacGee - The violin is not his only talent, having taken the stage and making us laugh in our seats as well as in face to face conversations he makes the world a little easier to live in and make a way through. So named for his street cred with the Muzack and a play on his own name.

MinniVann - Party boy with whom I had a little fling, fun to be around, great and loyal friend in all situations. So named for his smaller stature and his vehicle as well as being referred to as the petite version of a certain local celebrity of sorts.

Mix - the man of the three M household, he's got his head on straight and his hands in a million projects from the sound booth to something other than sandwiches for dinner. A talented man in the amalgamation of sound, flavor, fluid, and labor he makes it easy to have a good time and crack a smile. So named for his knowledge of mixology in many fields.

M'Lin - The name kind of reminds me of Steel Magnolias and so does she... tough lady with a soft side, friend of the Three Ms and their gentleman friends, always nice to share a moment or two with her.

Momma - The place to go for food for stomach filling or food for thought. She is an amazing woman with scars to prove she's "been there" and the faith to lean on Him in the hard times. A protector and care taker, always an open heart and that's how she got her name - and eventually played the roll in Chicago.

Mr.N/Mississippi - The man from the Muddy Mississip' - the other side of my twin, Mr.N.

Nix - A friend from High school who I don't get to see often but we always seem to be walking the same path at the same time. I love her to death and think the world of her. Her name is a play on her real name.

Peach - My Georgia girl with a sassy side, a fantastic friend who kept me in check and never lets life get boring. Though we are farther apart geographically I definitely still think about how much I miss her all the time and what a wonderful Peach of a person she is.

PhotoOp - a man that should only be in pictures and coincidentally takes them for a living. An interest that has faded but may return, who knows.

Phur - a friend of the Three Ms, great guy who I need to spend a little more time with. So named for his little furry hobbit feet and his name.

Prince - a name he gave himself in his youth that kind of stuck, no relation to the pop artist, but he's been through a lot and put me through a lot. I still respect him but I have had quite a time defining our relationship post-breakup.

Rica - My Puerto Rican diva, she's a lovely lady with a bit of a wild side and a passion for the party. A pleasure to spend time with - so named for her heritage.

Twin - the lady that is always there for me when I need it most, a sister from another mister. Always there with a smile and a coffee and a quirky joke that hits just the right spot. A friendship forged out of a chance that blossomed into something that I'll never forget or be able to say in words. So named for our similarities in though - we often catch ourselves thinking the same thing or saying the same thing at the same time.

Vamp Champ - High school friend who in recent years has cemented himself in my life as a necessity. He always makes his ear available when I need advice or just a safe place to vent and his candid honest responses are always helpful. Kindhearted, and just an all-around good man. So named for his obsession with True Blood, Twilight and other vampire fare.

What News?

This week has been all awash with good things - with a few bleh things mixed in... to make the less good things feel better - the picture would be nothing without contrast, yeah?

So- let us review:

Came back to Tally Sunday night saw a friend's recital which was nice,

Monday was fairly unimpressive, though I had a better therapy session where I seem to have conveyed my message more accurately to my voice therapist. My rehearsal with my accompanist was a little iffy at best and I finished out the night by seeing the Social Network - which was interesting

Side note: I am not, nor have I ever been or hope to be, invested in facebook as a feature of my life nor do I view it as an extension of myself - it is a website that helps me keep in contact with people and play games when I have nothing else I want to do. I believe that this is the healthy way to view said website as it is only six years old and should not have the ability to debilitate a person or persons from normal function.

Tuesday: My lesson was bobo, work was alright, I got a letter with enclosed cd from Prince... odd we'll discuss the letter once I know what the hell it says... I don't remember his handwriting being this hard to read, and I got some new music in the mail direct from a composer in Texas!! Continuing the musical theme, I saw a concert in the newly remodeled Ruby Diamond Concert Hall - which was quite nice. Finally to finish the evening I went to someone's house to "sleep" - - I knew it was a booty call before I even opened the message, but I wanted my movies back, he wanted to see me - - win win? yes.

Wednesday: Therapy again was not a pain, I worked the International Programs fair, got to rub elbows with some important people while sharing my passion for studying abroad to about 15 or 20 students, saw a lot of purple people, got booed or mooed at for some reason (possibly because I was wearing purple), Went to Spanish Club and didn't totally forget everything I learned over the years (first time I've spoken Spanish since last spring) Had dinner with VampChamp - we had a fantastic conversation and just an all around good time. Post dinner I went to a Pride Student Union event at Aladdin's - - - and then had company, which didn't end in anything substantial but I didn't mind.

Thursday: My voice was tired from all the talking on Wednesday but I made it through work with a very special visit from ChromeDiva my recently retired boss. I had my first appointment with a personal trainer (I'm going to look hot by Peach's wedding... maybe - it's a goal at least), Saw three amazing houses that I will not be able to afford but that are close enough to being budget-able that I can taste them, and capped the day off with a little bit of speaking french and rehearsing with my accompanist. Voice = Done.

Friday: Canceled my lesson, ate lunch with a hottie older friend of mine - - who paid for lunch (whaaat does that mean?) I called the local music store that was supposed to call me back on Monday about some music that I ordered - a good friend that works there helped me and we discovered my music arrived TODAY!! went and picked it up - perused a shop or two in Market square. Came home and sat around a little and shot the breeze with L'Bergique - - After a sufficient respite from the world I went to the Greek Food Fest with the womb mates and had AMAZING food. After running into Eesh and most of the seniors in my program and feeling a little forgettable and blah I ran into one of my awesome friends who we'll call Jewels, made plans to hang at Mockingbird which was followed by Fin's and wrapped up the night pretty well.


All week I've made an effort to be around people that make me feel good about myself and what I am doing (though I did miss my Momma, Mix and MacGee time this week, as well as the absence of Twin but we'll be seeing each other this weekend). It really has been helpful and uplifting, and I even left out some of the best news, I got an INTERVIEW!!!! So, send me good vibes and prayers - I'll take whatever positive energy you've got to spare. Send it my way pleeeeease

Love to you all
AA

Patched pieces.

My Nana told me once that if I could see enough blue sky to make Dutchman's breeches then the storm would soon end.
Today I am mentally patching together pieces of figurative blue sky to see if this emotional storm will end (for some reason I want a fruit rollup...? - I guess it's feeling like a child that feels like he has no actual control over his world at the moment). However no amount of thumb sucking, or hiding behind my mothers knees will make this any better. The truth is, big world out there, I'm scared. I feel the necessity to be totally honest in this post that I have had stuck in my head like one of those all too terrible lumps in your throat - news that you don't want to tell but words that have to be aired out and unfolded - too big to stay inside anymore.

I have come to a point in my life were, for the first time, I am afraid and at a bit of a crippling loss for ideas of how to remedy this - however, there is a plan. I feel like there isn't a place where I belong anymore, like I've outgrown my job, school, degree even some friends and I keep trying to squeeze into them like clothes too tight for this more mature me. - - Over the summer I listened to a piece on NPR about how people in America feel great attachment to and put great importance in the position they hold. I've reached the ceiling of what I can do in the College of Music in this degree and in my job, I feel obsolete and irrelevant. With some friends I feel like I've become a goto in times of trouble, but I'm tired of being Mother Mary... alright!? I need reciprocity and yes that was a beetles/chicago reference.

I had an excellent conversation with L'Bergique this past week where, for the first time this semester I felt like I was completely safe, that there was someone on the same page as I was, someone who had walked the road and bore the scars and was willing to spend time with me until I let it all go. I was honest with him - I told him I was scared, felt alone, and empty. He sat on the phone with me while I cried, more from relief than from sadness. It felt... good. Basically the main point of his argument was that I was pursuing people that were empty vessels - emotionally empty, or just unwilling to invest in me the same way I invest in them. (Not applicable to any of you) - - This is an idea that I have been dealing with for a while and I guess that it has become more of a problem in my relationships with potential guys I'd date. I have too many on my plate, and each one actually takes some investment of energy to maintain the connection between the two of us. I realize I still have a problem with saying no to people, I have a problem not giving people what they want, an appetite to appease people when they have no desire or intention of fulfilling any of my needs. Since his birthday Beau has been out of reach, I called twice and texted a few times last week and once again I feel like I am entangled with someone who is much more willing to forget than remember me - granted, I still haven't sent his birthday present and now it's almost a month late... funds were tight and FedEx isn't cheep. I really just don't understand the lack of etiquette from someone who has multiple sets of china and silver and who prides himself on being so 'top-notch' - - - I'm going to send his gift this week and get it out of my house, the constant reminder of someone that I don't really speak to and doesn't seem to care about me is a bit irritating. - - - I also realize that the options on the table, in most all features of my life are overwhelming but manageable and that I can seek my friends and family for help when I need it... however I must realize when I need help which is probably far more often than I seek it.

I am, and always have been, a person that goes to the doctor when he is sick - not for a checkup or preventive maintenance and because of that I end up being sick for longer periods of time when I become ill. I think that same feeling applies here... that I don't realize where I am until I get there emotionally. I am not emotionally budgeted, I give until there's nothing left and I starve myself and even then can't think of anyone to reach out to because my friends all have their "own problems" and I either don't want to bother them or I have become so isolated within my cocoon of mental instability that I don't venture out of it - I literally cannot think of people to call. - - - To that end, I realize that band-aids are much better than corrective surgery and checking in with people all the way along, people that can 'speak into' my life, is as important as eating, sleeping, and exercising.

As I was constructing this post I reread a lot of my internet output to realize that the majority of it is quite negative and complain-y, which is not "who I am" but this has become the place where I express that. My writing in general is where I release toxic things to fester elsewhere and maybe remove it from my consciousness. I also saw from rereading that there have been a few moments of clarity recorded that are as helpful now as they were then.

Through my talk with L'Bergique, reading my previous posts, remembering my own strength, and (through a moment of mental clarity) realizing that there are a select few people who I can go to when my own cup is getting empty I think there are patches of blue sky enough to make more than pants. I also think that going to therapy might be a viable option to help me not be so much of a roller-coaster; the ride isn't and never has been fun. I'm not crazy by any means, so please don't run go tell that, I think that therapy might provide an unbiased opinion and a place to talk about things the way they appear logically in my head - also, I have a lot of problems with competing points of view... I suppress the thoughts and feeling that I have that I believe are "inappropriate" (not sexually, lol) but I just think that something about that isn't totally healthy.

Anyway, I wandered a bit but I think that's really all I wanted to say on the subject... More growing pains to come, but at least I know it gets better and at least I am given the gift of today to live and learn just a little bit more.

Love to you all,
AA