there's lots of "i" when you apologise

So, I have been thinking quite a bit. (Surprised, aren't you.) Tonight I want to focus on a few things, but mostly on a letter and a play list that I got from Prince for my "birthday."
The letter is a bit hard to read - though he took the time to write it out 'long hand' as my grandmother would say; something that, in itself, is very personal and thoughtful. The first time I read it, I wasn't really sure what to think. It seemed to be a lot about his being hurt by what happened and didn't really touch on the horrible things that he did to me and it points to the music to further explain how he feels (which I think it kind of a cop out). The second time I read it was right before new years, knowing that I would see him at our friend's wedding. I wasn't as mad then, but it still sounded so very much about him and his needs and wants - - but I read it with the purpose to legitimately devise a reply, previously I had told myself I would think about it after my recital, and that didn't come, so I hadn't thought much about it. Seeing as I was about to see him, I needed... something to say, if it was brought up. And finally, I read it a third time just now and I mentally scolded myself a little for reading it as I did before. If you don't know my history with Prince, it's something I'll have to tell you in installments, it's something kin to an Epic, with fewer characters and hopefully will never be made into a bad movie with lack lustre special effects.

The letter reads:

(note, all the bold words were underlined, but I couldn't make that happen so I improvised)

AA,
Last year I started writing you a letter. It ended up being pretty long, but when I read it back to myself , I realized that it didn't say any of the things that I'd set out to communicate. Took me a week and a half to make this mix - figures, huh?
There aren't many things in my life that I regret, but not being able to maintain some kind of meaningful relationship with you is one of them. While you really hurt me - devastated me - back when. I had a huge trouble with forgiveness and seriously regret how I acted. I hope this music can explain me a little better than that terrible prototype letter that you'll never see.
I don't know hardly anything about you anymore, and the few times that I have reached out I've gotten the impression that you were really uncomfortable with any interest. I hope that if nothing else, you'll accept that I am such a vastly different person now than I was then, and that I wish you well and carry some but of you with me, like it or not.
I wanted you to have this on your birthday but was out of town and couldn't put it together.
Sorry, but better late than never, I guess?
Hope you're well. Hope this music reaches you internally the way it has me.
I miss you, in my own guarded way.
With love,
Prince.



There's an awful lot of I in this apology, and something about that doesn't surprise me. I feel like he always has been, and always will be despite his "vastly different" new self, self centered. He view the world through the lens of himself - how does this profit me, how did this hurt me, what did I lose. Perhaps the "new him" will never fully come into focus for me because he is obscured by the shadowy, terrible memories of the "old" Prince. The music seems to be just as much about him and his journey, but I think it was supposed to be - - Also, it's difficult to say exactly what he means because a song means something different to anyone that hears it even though the music and words are exactly the same.

I've been thinking about writing him since December, but I want to be tactful while expressing fully what it is that I need to say... or I just want to be silent and leave it at that. The nicest thing that I have come up with so far is: "we both made promises that we couldn't keep and punished each other when we failed. We weren't mature enough to provide what the other needed and in our immaturity we damaged each other in unforgettable, but hopefully forgivable, ways. I still am dealing with the wounds that you dealt me, and..." (then it's not so sweet) And I don't know what I want from you but I am not really sure that I want you to be any part of my life because previously what you did to me was toxic and nearly irreparable. Somehow, God and a tight group of people I gathered around myself helped me to come back from the place our relationship took me. I don't believe either of us is solely at fault, but certainly neither of us is innocent. When I look at myself now, I know that I wouldn't be what I am without you being a part of my past, but I don't know if I can let you be a part of my present or future because of where our relationship took me.


I've been listening to a lot of contemplative music lately and it all seems to be applicable to him. I suppose the time is coming when I will have to say something because I can't keep my feelings to myself. I want to represent myself in the best possible light and be beyond reproach - I heard that somewhere once and it's become a life goal since; live on the earth and be someone that conducts themselves in such a way, with such grace, kindness and poise that people do not easily find fault within them ....or the way they conduct themselves.

Anyway, my thought for the day is that when next I apologise to someone I don't want to make it about me - because it isn't if you are truly apologising. Then, just in general... what if in my life I stopped talking about myself and turned my eyes outward - "I, me, my, mine, etc." are not the only words I know. I am challenging myself to use the word I less this week.

Love to you all,
AA

Noise and News

Wow, I haven't posted in FOREVER - or so it seems.

A few things to know might be:

I gave my recital, made a little noise, spent a lotta dough and now I'm done! I think that what I was most proud of was the reception, which was kind of beautiful - - oh, and the fact I didn't forget any of the words to my pieces.

I realize that arriving ahead of time is a lot more fun than arriving right on time.

I got new glasses. I can SEE and that's nice. They are tortoise shell full framed glasses and I like them a lot, they really do something nice for my face.

I got a new computer for Christmas. There are no words for how much I needed it.

I got a new job that at first I turned down, but now feel really good about. Maybe it's fate?

The winds of change are always a-blowin' here in Anonymousville; I've been going to the gym very frequently and cooking for myself a lot - slipped a little this week because of the new job and helping my friend Jewels with her show that goes out to the public schools next week.

Spring, once again is starting early with the boys of Tally. I've gotten a lot of attention lately, but unlike the past I have stayed a bit more detached and aloof. I haven't had "sex sex" since December and I am looking to keep up the "good work."

I went to a friend's wedding on New Year's Day and ran into all sorts of people, including Prince. In this context, I felt very much like a new person in old skin, inhibited by my situation and unable to be fully who I am now because of what they remember of me then. I don't know how many times I was left to my own devices and how many times I was abandoned in mid conversation for something or someone else more interesting. Most of all it made me sad for them, sad for the people I once tried so hard to excite, entertain, love... I will never be enough for them, even as momentary company. It made me sad for them because they will never have what I have with Twin, L'Bergique, Jewels, Peach, Momma (and her boys) - - and the fact, to be a bit self aggrandizing for a moment, that they will never get the chance to know the real me because they are too caught up in their own foolishness to notice anything other than themselves. I saw the same tricks being pulled that I saw four years ago, but thanks to a bit of acquired wisdom, I chose not to play the game. Oh, and to toot my horn a little more, I looked pretty fucking delicious - eat your heart out folks. - - - Remind me to tell you about the letter Prince sent me "for my birthday," I need some help devising a response.

Advice and commentary from L'Bergique is always something my brain munches on like cow's cud. It revolves through my head on a daily basis and is really responsible for a lot of my internal monologue as of late. Things to think about that I'll pass on:
1) Cooking is the sincerest form of taking care of someone, including yourself. It can be a cathartic experience and it is a ritual that has lasted for thousands of years - the action of people providing for the most basic of needs for themselves and others. Investing the time to cook for yourself and thinking about how you are actually taking care of yourself by doing so is an interesting thought to gnaw on - one that I have really enjoyed and am trying to put into practice. Please pass on all your favorite recipes.
2) Friends are like parts of a tree. a) some are leaves, they provide you with nourishment, inspire movement, change, etc but are the least dependable part of your network of friends. When the weather turns cold they depart, and we must let them. We cannot hold onto them beyond their time, or we will not be able to grow new relationships, emotionally killing ourselves to maintain something that shouldn't be. (Trees with brown leaves in the Spring are dead). b) Some people in your life are like branches, more permanent than leaves, but still flimsy under the right circumstances, people that are more sturdily placed within your life but still have the potential to depart. c) some people are like roots, they ground you, replenish you, provide for you and reach deep creating a substantial network on which you can always rely. These pieces work also in a ratio leaves being the most abundant and roots being the least. - - I've expanded this to more than just friends in my life, but to most things. When something has lots its utility allow it to go be useful to someone else.
3) This is something I came up with on my own, but I feel like it's too similar to put in another section. I was going through the drive through at Wendy's and I paid with my debit card. For some reason this spurred a thought: By paying little money for low quality quick food now, I will have to pay in other ways when I am older, namely with my health. So this adage arose: Life is like a credit card, what ever you charge you must pay off at some point, sometimes with interest. The six minutes it took for them to sell and serve to me this death burger will turn into hours in a doctors office being tested for heart problems, hundreds of dollars in fees and medicine, and a life of discomfort from being overweight. This idea has morphed into many parallel thoughts but the crux is, only "buy" what you can pay for and investing in yourself, through whatever means possible will have great returns where lack of investment creates innumerable deficit.

Also, all of the music I have been listening to has really been speaking to me. It feels a little weird but good. I hope you are all taking the time you need for yourself, it's SO worth it.

Love to you all
AA

Helpful Hurt

Sometimes things you find out are helpful and hurtful simultaneously.

I just got off the phone with Beau.

I texted and called a few days ago, with no response. A little pang, but I was okay. I called him tonight and he didn't answer, I wasn't surprised.... until twenty minutes later he called back. I almost didn't answer, but I did, and the proceeding conversation felt very hollow. Empty of what I wanted. Along the way he told me he's been seeing someone, which I guess I already knew. Hearing it was a little hard - I want to say Thank God I didn't tell him how I'd been feeling, that I think about holding his hand sometimes and I really have never felt as comfortable or important in someone else's arms, but at the same time I really would like to tell him that. I've never been good at keeping my feelings to myself and often that alienates people.... just as much or more than bottling them up inside myself.

I wondered after we hung up why I am alone - it's partially because I need to be, partially because I want what I can't have, and partially because I spend too much of my time and energy on people that will never reciprocate what I give. All that being fun to think about, I wondered if I would continually be alone because I was dedicating my life to people who were happy without me in 'that' capacity.

Dinner alone then going out for a friend's birthday, then a movie. Sometimes thinkin's tough on a tender heart, but I also believe that this is a helpful reality and is yet another piece of myself I have discovered. Firstly, I need to stop thinking about dudes and get what's on my plate taken care of. Secondly, I need to buck up and realize that it's not all that bad being alone, and that friends help heal the little hurts you have. Finally, If you want something worthwhile you have to work for it, and any goal, with hard work can be achieved.

Sooo, I've just had the wind knocked out of me, but I think I'll be okay. Gonna go walk it off and see what shenanigans I can get into tonight!

Love to you all
-AA

Conversations over Christmas Ornaments.

As I made Christmas ornaments this afternoon I got a call from L'Bergique. We had a long conversation that covered many topics but what was most interesting to me was what we talked about last. Somehow we got on the subject of the classic Christmas image and what we each think about at Christmas. When I think of Christmas, I imagine the Christmas parade in my hometown with my parents and my sister, the familiar faced man dressed as Santa Claus, the funny little house he sat in next to the huge lighted tree on the courthouse lawn - - no snow, but cold temperatures. He mentioned that we as a culture seem to see Christmas as a holiday centered around snow and ice, cold weather, evergreen trees etc. but he posed the question, "how do people in the tropical regions associated with the U.S. see Christmas?" It's a little absurd for them to expect a sleigh and a man dressed in fur in 85 degree weather with no snow in sight. The idea that we, as a culture, long to be unified in what we think is an interesting one. Are images of snow and a sleigh applicable to Hawaiians and Puerto Ricans?

I think that you do not have to be surrounded by snow or believe in much about Christmas to appreciate the socially accepted images of Christmas time. However I found it interesting, this idea of social normalization - where we as a culture subscribe to an established idea given to us by previous generations and the tweaking of the media.

Conversely, I was also remembering a famous faculty member at FSU, Dr. Madsen. In his class he does an exercise and asks his students to imagine a generic object or idea. Then he asks a few people to describe their imagined idea. He says that if you ask a group to think of an object or idea there will be variance due to the nature that all people are different.

L'Bergique hinted at this but we didn't have the time to flesh it out, so I'll give it to you to mentally chew on:

With these thoughts in mind - the idea of social normalization and the actual lack of it -Could it be argued that there is no concrete idea of a family in America. Each person perceives it in a completely specific way based upon their own experience. Thus the conservative platform for solidifying the American family under the concrete umbrella of a man and a woman is only a psychological agenda to unify the accepted social norm to exclude all types of alternative families. (Single parents, households with grandparents or other family members, homosexual couples, etc.) Should we allow the government to pressure us into an idea of family that they ascribe to when regardless of how the law defines a family, there will always be a wide variance of images people associate with that word/feeling/idea

That was a wild ride, I know, and I didn't do it too much justice - - BUT it is an interesting bunch of thoughts to think on. (Also last night I mentioned to someone that it would be great if I had a mechanism that could trace my trains of thought so that I could figure out how I arrive at the places I do...) Happy thinking!

Love to you all

-AA

Say your Thankfuls

Every night when I was little my mom would read to my sister and I from the Bible. After that we used to say our "thankfuls" - things and people in our lives we were thankful for. I am endlessly thankful for each of you. I am thankful for your existence on this planet and that God put you in my life. Each of the people that I talk about in this blog have touched my life and I hope that I, in some small way, can repay them. May the lord bless you and keep you and bring you the greatest peace.

Love to you all
-AA

Twin text

As my posts are so oft, this is a collection of all things of consequence - the crux of my thoughts. I was struck recently when I read Twin's blog and really felt like we, in some respects, are truly twin spirits. This is a fragment I have been stuck to like a worry stone, passing it through my mental fingers, turning it over and over in my imagination's hands.

"...Pieces of her world would be empty soon as well. Great big pieces. For someone so seemingly full of life, sadness always seemed able to creep in and sit down with her..."

I saw her today, we were on the same page before we even talked. It isn't the holidays approaching or anything circumstantial that has brought us to where we are - it's a jumping off point. We are at the end point, and thus beginnings must be planned - time to make ends meet, in all possible senses of the cliche.

I feel strange inside - disturbed, but not in a check me into an institution sort of way. I am uncomfortable - ideas whizzing through my head, thoughts out of order, difficulty creating sense of the entropy in my mind. Pieces of my life, the identity I have created for myself, will soon be part of my past and no longer part of my present. With those absent pieces pulling away from me, the gaps are filling with a bit of melancholy. Don't be confused, I still find myself hopeful but at this stage realism is necessary and with realism comes a tiny bit of bitterness and melancholy.

I made a list on yellow construction paper of my thoughts for my future (a rather cheerful color that I picked because it was close at hand and I had no other paper in the house - perhaps it will be symbolic at some point). My plan, at the moment, is to find a job, save money, develop my ideas into possible plans and clear my head of all the junk I've let collect in it over these past few months. When the dust has settled, something will come together - I can feel it.

Another thing that I can feel is an itch, something I've felt since I was a child and I am following that intuitive thought most especially now.... more on that when the time is right - and no, I'm not going to audition for American Idol or try to get my start on Broadway (...yet). Positive thoughts and requests for guidance are much appreciated and welcomed :)

SO MUCH Love to you all, I feel blessed to have you in my life!!
AA

Stories.

So, there is a certain place I go to have my Business Meetings (aka BM) when I am at school. I went there today, in fact, and I saw another 'conscientious' man coming down the stairs from the mezzanine. I thought about it for a second as we talked and realized he must have just come for dropping of some Cosbys at the pool since he was coming from a place he had no real business being. I headed up the stairs to the silent and my senses proved someone had recently been there. (My olfactory sense has always been one of my stronger ones, that and touch.) Anyway, I was thinking about the last time I had been there and I remembered this little story I had forgotten to post since I've been a hermit for weeks. So, here's a little early-morning funny for you.

When I am at work I try to keep it close to the office, no one ever really goes to the second floor for 'business meetings' they use the WC and get the heck out. Well, on this particular day I got a fairly urgent call from Mr. Rumblie Tum Tumbley and made a bee line for the nearest restroom only to find it occupado by someone using the only truly functional stall... the other the door doesn't stay closed. As soon as I see feet below the edge of the blue enameled stall I turn on my heals and dash toward the mezzanine of the performance hall in the next building. I make it just in time. All goes well, the toilets haven't even been used that day - still cleaner in from the night before. Then as I am 'wrapping it up' I grab for some t.p. from the giant plastic monstrosity mounted above my head. The t.p. doesn't tear and I yank on it a little. The next piece is even less cooperative and just as I get it to tear off the front cover of the dispenser opens and whacks me square on the head. Needless to say I may have screamed, I didn't know what it was until it was too late and I had already yelped, then I laughed out loud. Who gets hit on the head in the middle of trying to be regular...? Me, I guess.

Another little, less funny story:

My jury for my recital was last week, I made mistakes, we all do. Of the 4 faculty present, 2 passed me and two did not. Thus there was a draw. One must receive a majority to pass any jury. After much talking, waiting, and adulting (i.e. not freaking out and dealing with life a step at a time) I was told that my best, and really only, option was to give the recital after a re-take of the jury exam the first week of Spring classes. I feel like I did a good job of being positive and doing my best to "look at the bight side" finding that there was nothing I could do but deal with the circumstances as they were and proceed with the utmost attention to the details of what people disliked and an unconquerable resolve to be at 100% the first week in January. I took a little break from the music, but am very much back on the horse. I'm sorry for any inconvenience it may have caused any of you. God had other plans, it appears.

The crux of it all, laugh through the shit, pick up the pieces and never let anything get in the way of you doing your business.

Keep smiling, Love to you all
AA