And so it is...

So, the title... so emo, right. It has something to do with this song, which is a reflection of one of the many shards of feelings I have - I don't think I've ever felt quite so bi-polar.  I say shards because it literally feels like my whole emotional self has shattered into several major pieces between which there is a little connecting trail of broken mixed emotions. I imagine the shards as giant mirrored glass icicles and little mirrored almost imperceptible dust between them, just so we share the same image. And at alternating moments my heart jumps from shard to shard. It's really quite the roller coaster.

So, today I wore sexy... or maybe cute is the better word... underwear and said to myself - You are wearing cute underwear today, it's going to be great! and it was, mostly. I started off the day with a sort of melancholy mood, but it was mixed with hopefulness (I hope you don't mind, but I will take you through my mental playlist that captures these moods) - - So, let's go on this sonic-ly emotional journey, shall we?

I played this for myself this morning as a... If you wanted me, I could do anything you wanted, because I'm actually that awesome. (which we did in the a cappella group I was in in College... lots of ins...) - by this time not really remembering my awesome underwear. But I think it set the mood for the day, which ended up being mostly good though entirely unproductive. I talked to a guy all day online - this guy I met on a semi-shady site, but isn't everything semi-shady in the gay world. Anyway, we had a great conversation

Momma and I had a few good exchanges today where we both encapsulated things that we have learned from academia and our personal lives. Both cathartic and enlightening. :) I'll get to those life lessons later.

Then, I sang to myself in the bathroom, which I often do at work. A melody I got from Le Prince Rebel and something about it is so... yes. It's about a love triangle, unrequited love and a trap and something about it just said... this is what you need right now. I think it has something to do with me feeling something like this person... like the lady in Notes on a Scandal... so not in control of their own life, somehow smart and seeming to have all the right pieces to be totally successful but being devastatingly unable to figure things out. Lately I feel like I am just taking the advice of others without any analysis... like I am letting other people live my life for me. And that's not where I want to be... So... this is sort of an acknowledgement of that latent power I feel that I have and a desire to turn potential into kinetic energy. - - That all sounds really weird and kind of sad, but I just realize... I haven't been a whole person lately and I chose that and I am choosing now to no longer be a waif, a tragic character in my own life, tossed about by the whims and thoughts of others. So... ultimately uplifting?

And then, I returned to a song that... really... just does something to me. I don't know what it is or why, but this song has resonated with me at so many points in my life since I first heard it... and it continues to have a deeper meaning with each turn of the page in my life. (Which reminds me of this song, sung at my parents' wedding and I mused about how Cotton and I would never be married... and no one would sing this song for us.... and things have faded a little now, since that feeling rose up). Anyway, so back to Adamo's little women - so today, this was sort of my words to myself and to Cotton. That of course I love him but things end, things change and that's okay... and you don't know what you need sometimes but you have revelations and things change and its wonderful, magical. This may not be magical, this change of state between partnered and single, but through it we will learn and grow and be better for it.

Which somehow led me to this song, an arrangement of the Prayer of Saint Francis by Rene Clausen. I think that I was focusing on one of the lines... but now, don't remember which it was. And that's what happens when you have a thousand things in your head...

Which then led to the rapid succession of Some interesting songs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9, 10, 11, so on and so on. etc. etc.

So what does it all mean?

I think it means that I'm going to be okay. Not yet, but I am going to be. And that I need to work through some things... but at the end of it all, I'm gonna be me.I need to be me. The Real, unapologetic, pretty fucking awesome me. (sometimes I don't know who me is... but I need to figure that OUT. too much time of my life has been spent blindly following others... and it's now time to get right down to it and decide what I am made of and who the hell I am FOR MYSELF).

And it means that music out there about breakups (and other things) is powerful, full of emotions that resonate with me. the firey, terrible consuming shards of emotion that tear me apart or get me through the day.... And maybe, just maybe all the pain captured in these songs... though beautiful, and tempting, like a siren these songs are pulling me into the depths of the sea of my emotions... deep and terrible depths and maybe I need to seek something else to sooth my pain... or just be very careful about what I listen to. (I have been fixated on breakup song words lately and just think... with every one... THAT IS WHAT I FEEL... (Well, execept today... when I talked back to the radio when Maroon 5 was on and said... every day isn't worse... maybe it's not better but I'm not on some downward spiral... and then... I felt better :) I think I'm getting the hang of this... piece by piece).

So... no it's time for a little wisdom sharing circle time... so criss-cross apple sauce ya damn selves (which always made me think of Catholics (crossing themselves)) and tune your alien antennae to Ammurruhkuhn cuhz here we go.

1) I modify myself. My behavior, my lifestyle, my theology on an almost daily basis in order to appease whomever is most important to me at that moment or who I feel will be disapproving of my thoughts or feelings. This is not okay.

2) I do not give myself any God-damned credit ... (financial credit... I got, though...). This is not okay.

3) I am a giver, people pleaser, and all around maker of happiness - - and yet, receive little such action in return. Reciprocity and balance is important. This is not okay.

4)When you are in a relationship, it should make you better. Not worse. The relationship should make you feel like you are functioning or working toward functioning at your best and that you are challenged to be a better person by the thing you share with this person.

5) You should want to know your partner intimately, and want to understand what it is they do and what they are interested in... Ask to be shown how something works, be a part of the process, understand why they like it and why it is important to them

6) You should be able to say what your needs are and legitimately believe that they can and should be met. If they can't... and you REALLY need those things from them... impending doom. (Like the Mayan end o the world this friday... or, now, tomorrow).

7) When someone wants to walk away, let them. If you did everything you could in the relationship to make it work... then it's not your fault and running after them puts you in a position of powerlessness

8) a healthy relationship should not make you feel desperate - like you are clawing at it just to try to hang on. You should feel comfortable, there should be an abundance of trust,

9) the person you date should not make you feel like they do not want to spend time with you or that they are do not have time for or are not interested in your thoughts, feelings, emotions etc.

10) life is not easy, there are no hard and fast rules - but don't change yourself for any reason but to be the best you that you can be. If someone is asking you to compromise yourself, say no.

11) If there are parts of the relationship that make you uncomfortable... they will always be there, unless you talk about them, and even then they may not go away. Is it something you can deal with long-term?

12) Don't let anyone make you feel anything that you don't want to feel... especially that you aren't valuable. If the things they do and the words they say make you feel like you aren't important, it's not a good fit. Don't let them steal your voice from you.

13) A relationship should bring you Joy, at least some of the time, hopefully more than it brings you pain. If it brings you more pain than joy, it's out of balance and may not be right for you.

14) every experience in life is a learning experience. Take what you can from it and keep it moving. Dwelling on what might have been, or won't be anymore isn't helpful, those thoughts represent unmet expectations and will only make you sad.

15) Be intuitive and self-reflective. Be honest about what it is you need, both with yourself and your partner. If they cannot meet your needs, then the match may be a bad one, and getting out and being sad is better than staying in and sad - - because eventually the out of relationship sads stop whereas the in-relationship sads continue because they remain unaddressed by you or your partner.

Yay and read these - they're good for you.

ONE - This is literally ... so worth the time it takes to read. and it made me realize that I just have to be more present and active in my own life, that I have to perform, produce, create at the high level that I want to to be happy and I have to find a job and a balanced life that will help me facilitate JOY. I can have JOY. anyone can... I just have to get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.

TWO - I think is especially interesting because there is someone else out there who doesn't feel any need to become a caricature of the "gay lifestyle" to be legitimate within the community... and if people tell you that... they're wrong.  Be your original, wonderful self.

Additionally, since my break up I have re-activated my accounts on Adam4Adam, Grindr and Scruff only to realize what I had with Cotton raised my standards a LOT and when I look at these guys, unknowingly vulture-ing on the fresh wounds of a broken relationship, I think to myself... why am I here to be caught by one of them. They are nothing near as good as Cotton, and I could play with them and that would be fun, but I wouldn't want to date them for any length of time... and I don't want to be that guy. At least not yet. (the guy who says, yeah, you're cute but I have to put limitations on our relationship from the beginning because all I really care about is having sex with you... or more accurately getting myself off... and I'm not really interested in a long-term option (- - people who would agree to something like that would be insane and horribly damaged or so desperate to be with me that it would be... just bad... for everyone) , or worse yet, the guy who puts limitations on the relationship for himself but not for the other person - letting them go sailing off into the night all alone, expecting things that will never happen.) I'm thinking of deleting them all and just spending my life doing things that are... more fucking meaningful than sitting next to a digital device waiting for someone to come along and think I am worth their time. That should never be a question... and, at least in this moment, I feel worth way more than the idle chatter of lonely and handsy strangers who mostly have one thing in mind. (Sex...if you were wondering).

At any rate, it is bed time (and Christmas time) so I leave you with this, from a special prince - it's an original Christmas related composition that's kinda nice, maybe it will become a hit!! listen and love and ... stop worrying about me, if that's what you are doing. And if you are worried about me, let me know... :) it's nice to feel the warmth from your hearts even if it's via text, e or voice mail, or a call - - I'll be sure to keep you in the loop about me. and you do the same... reach out. I'm here and I need you, but I need an active you - not a worried or frightened you. Okay!?

Love to you all,
AA

Tell you about him, why sure?!

One of the major holes in this piece of work that has captured most of my life's traumatic and love-related events is my most recent 8-month relationship with a man who we can call... Cotton.

He is a Virginia farm boy turned smart guy getting his PhD. We met on a social media app... yes, the gay sort where people hook-up but also meet interesting people that they might like to take on a date.

We talked online quite a bit for the first part of last school year, he was exploring his world as a gay man and came out to almost everyone he knew while we were dating. Something that I admired and was a little jealous of... as I still am closeted to many people "back home" - hence all the pseudonyms, and other various baggage. But anyway, eventually we decided to have lunch at Canopy Roads, a little breakfast/lunch place in town that we both knew and liked.

Cotton was nervous, visibly, I thought he was checking the door to make sure that no one he knew saw us together. I had dressed well on purpose... I wanted to make a good impression. (A few months into the relationship he confessed he was nervous and the reason for his nervousness being that he thought I was very handsome). He barely ate, we talked a lot and had a great lunch that we both enjoyed and said we'd meet again.

We continued to talk, went to Masa right before winter break and that's when I invited him over to take a nap with me. Honestly, there wasn't a ton of napping that happened. But we didn't do anything super scandalous either.

I thought he was one of those guys... the one's most people are afraid of because dating them means the possible end of adventuring in the world of men... a real long-term keeper. And I was scared. We did a few things throughout the winter once school resumed but I tried to keep my distance... until I finally decided that I was lying to myself - I really did like him and want to be with him, I was letting fear make my decisions for me. (I life trend I am trying to break).

I took him to the beach with Hillz and Eesh, and the weekend was pretty fantastic.

In April, Cotton had a wedding to go to in Daytona and he invited me. I asked if there was anything that I should bring along... and misunderstanding the question he replied condoms and lube... The source of many jokes throughout the next few days. April 14 in the wee hours of the morning, I asked him to be mine and he said yes. I had waited all this time to have sex with him... because he was a keeper, as I said, I didn't want to mess it up by getting too physical too fast.... and now, it was on! He went to the wedding and I stayed at our awesome hotel that he had splurged to get for us. This just happened to be the same night that someone that I had once held quite dear died in a car accident near Cincinnati. Cotton returned from the wedding and we talked about all the days events that we had experienced separately. He was extremely supportive and kind through that night and through the whole grieving process of my friend.

Shortly after making it official he went to DC for the summer to work , we talked daily, and I never for a second could have been any happier. We both took several trips back and forth to see each other, and each time we saw each other was ... magic. I didn't ever want to be apart from him.

His birthday was coming up and I planned a surprise dinner and Champagne toast for him here in town on his visit closest to his actually birth date. We celebrated the month of his birth with lots of trips and gifts, etc. I gave him a ring that was a miniature of the ring I wore myself - something that connected us.

Finally the summer ended and he came home to Tallahassee and something had changed. As much as he didn't love his job in DC he would rather be doing that than being tied to school. With this change in his life came a change in our relationship - things were different and I didn't really understand why - for me, the thing that we shared between us was one of, if not the, best thing(s) I had going for me.

 We spent a long-weekend in Daytona again, but this time the mood was a little different. For some reason, though it was a trip just for us, there didn't seem to be a lot of interacting going on between the two of us. I brought it up toward the end of the trip and we said it was something that we'd try harder to work on.

For my birthday I took time off from work and we went to St. George, it was lovely, just being at the beach but again, something loomed over Cotton - something wasn't right.

In October, we had went to Puerto Rico and The Food and Wine Festival at Disney World. Puerto Rico was truly lovely and very enjoyable, we tried much harder to be engaged with each other this trip and I think it went well... some tenuous moments.. but overall good. Food and Wine, however was not as much of a success. We had gone down to meet friends with Momma, friends of hers who have become friends of mine, and in a bit of drunken conversation Cotton said something that hit closer to home than anything he'd ever said. The situation and the quotation doesn't bear repeating but in a moment of confusion he didn't realize what he said and what it would mean to me.

From October until December we've had ups and downs, more ups for me than downs. I came out (mostly) of the funk that I was in with work and school and life in general while he went deeper into his. We arrived at a point yesterday where he felt the need to be on his own, that he was no longer wholly devoted to our relationship and life together and - for now, at least - we are separated.

I hope that there will be more posts devoted to Cotton, other than the previous one "Il pleure.." - Something makes me feel that our journey together isn't over, but perhaps on hiatus. The one thing that tries to squash that hope is one thing that he said yesterday "we just aren't a perfect match" - I'm trying to figure out how to live life without totally closing the door of possibility for something more than friendship during what promises to be a tumultuous recovery period for me.

In the end of it all, it would seem that time will drag me forward and that we are on some designated path. I pray that I will be open to this path and wherever it leads, and in my heart I hope that it includes Cotton.  

One year later

Saved Draft from Sept 20, 2012.... 

Hello all,

It's been a year since last we spoke and OH so much has happened since then. But I feel that it all can be summarized into: Time went by and through the ups and downs I survived (not that I expected any less of myself). For juicer details read on....

So, God... September a year ago I was quite the mess. Emotionally, that is. But it would seem that I store that sort of sentiment here. I am a fairly morose writer when it comes to "me" - and I feel the winds of change and the confidence gained from experience have weathered me in all the best ways this past year - and maybe for that breaking-in that the years do to a body, I'm better for it and perhaps a little less... debilitated by my own circumstance.

It's odd to say that, because I had conjured this image of myself as this "Liberated Man" - but I wasn't. I'm still not, but I'm closer. Closer than I ever was up until this point. At any rate, returning to September of last year....

Work was hard in the sort of way that... breaks you in half emotionally. I was slowly, however not maliciously or purposefully, being crumbled like a dry brittle cookie. Returning to the emotional dust from which I had been wrought. Momma had turned "sweetie, darling" into "Mommy, dearest". The abuse no longer coming from the closeness of friendship, but rather from the hurt of losing a parent, the lack of self-awareness one has when poisonously afflicted by loss.

School, though only a dim light of inspiration on many days, had its moments of brilliance. My coursework has challenged me in a way that I never expected - it shattered the composed and decided image that I had of myself and left me, most of the time, with 10 fold more questions than answers. I feel changed - all in good ways - by this course of study I have followed. Daily I see the need for social change, I ask questions about why things are the way they are rather than accepting them on blind faith. - I feel... like an Adult, in a way. I've always felt that I was "old for my age" but I always had a childlike spirit... ( now I wonder if I was just out of touch with my own generation) at any rate, despite my assumed maturity I was very naive and through graduate school I found out just how naive I continue to be. Maturity bubble = Burst. I feel like I am on the same level as my peers now, which has been interesting to navigate...

So, school has been good for me, despite the fact that I have to pretend like I read a shit ton.... which I am trying to turn into ACTUALLY reading a shit ton - I'm trying to be a little more responsible. (adulthood, what?!)

I've made a lot of progress with my voice over the past year. I got to sing with the ensemble in the summer show at FSU which was a blast (got to work with Jewels, which was nice :) ). And, I've been going to the gym fairly consistently. Woohoo, pat on the back, yessiree I'll take it.

The unfortunate effect of work, school, voice lessons etc was that I was quite stressed most of this past year.

Il pleure dans mon coeur...

Well, after nearly 8 months it has ended. A relationship that at first was all that I wanted and needed and everything that I expected that, with time, familiarity went from comfortable to distant. The man that I was in love with fell out of love with me. - - I feel... lost. (Whether these quotes come from these authors or not, I don't know, but they capture how I feel - you can google them if you're interested.)

“If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights 

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”
― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body  

 No, he isn't dead - thank God, because that would be worse... but I feel empty, lost, out-of-place in my own life. I find myself reaching for something and someone that isn't there. I feel a great sense of loss, a need to hang onto him, to fight for him to be with him. My love for him has not faded or withered or gone anywhere but sits folded up in a heap on my chest like a giant imperceptible boulder that is resolute in its mission to crush me.  The love that had been spread all over him and his life and everything that was him, an easy, light film that covered all that he was has retracted into this monstrous thing trying to force its way back into my heart. But what's given can't be taken back and so it just sits there, crushing every bit of me. - - I guess, in some ways, it's easier to have a fiery, angry tantrum of a break-up that leaves you feeling resolute to do 'better' the next go-'round - - but that wasn't how it ended. It was quiet, tenuous, but sweet, as though he was protecting me from what damage might occur if we went any further down this road.

He said he wasn't "in it" anymore, that I didn't have all of his heart, but assured me that no one else had any piece of it. He said that he was unhappy in every feature of his life, that us being together had not caused him to experience anything bad, but that the relationship was not achieving what he wanted and that he felt that if he wasn't in it and had no passion for it that he was doing me and himself a disservice. He said that he could never stop caring about me but he needed to take care of himself for a while and that my role in his life is up to me... beyond the stipulation that we can't be together, for now. This lack of finality, though a hopeful signal that something could be different in the future, makes me feel all the more lost, unsure, and ready to fight for him. The thought of him being with someone else almost razes me right now, I don't know if I can let go... but I also don't know how I can be here in this place where I am. I don't know how to be okay with leaving the door ajar, just in case, without expectation.. without hoping that he'll come back.

I feel transparent, like I want to turn into a thin shadow and hide somewhere unnoticed. I want to let my mind drift and sleep for days on end.

The weather today is trying to outdo me in tears with all the rain and grey clouds - the cause of a few smiles, for me this morning and the reason for the title of this post, the name of a Paul Verlaine poem and a song of Debussy's that I sang on my senior recital. However, unlike Verlaine's poem, though there has been"no treason" I feel like he and I, or the speaker of the poem if you want to get technical, are in the same sort of space. In a relationship of distance, for me now over or at least put on hold..., where the lack of attentiveness from the partner creates a feeling of nervousness and a broken heart within the the partner that's "in too deep".

To the first man I ever thought I could call my husband, and spend the rest of my life with... I miss you every second and trudge on with a tear-streaked face toward somewhere yet undefined. All I want to do is crawl under the covers and have you hold onto me... because I feel like I'm slipping away... to some place I don't want to go... but you're not here because you can't be... the moment when I feel like I need you most of all.

I have arrived at Twenty-Five

Today, I turned twenty-five at 11:13 am Central standard time. I haven't written in a while because silence just felt better. Silence is easier than talking sometimes; to mute the mind's outward output and let things develop as they so often do.

This weekend was lovely, I am so thankful for the beautiful and amazing friends that surprised me under the direction of Momma and Jewels. Almost all the important people where there - It made me feel loved, appreciated, integrated into the fabric of the lives of other people - useful. (My face was sore from all the smiling.) All things that have felt very distant and intangible to me lately. It was a very very bright spot in a series of many weeks of struggle.

Life has been a little ugly to me lately, and maybe I'm paying it forward... or maybe Karma has come to reap what I sewed at some point in my past. Essentially I feel detached, out of reach and once again like my feet aren't on the ground. I think that though there are so many beautiful, wonderful and caring people around me, for some reason I am not consoled. I guess it is time to look inside myself, (who likes to do that!?) and search for the answers to my inexplicable emotional roller coaster-ing.

There have been moments of respite, but the feelings always come back. The vacation I took in August, the beginning of school - there were two or three weeks where I was excited, I felt energized and ready to move forward with my life. The closer my birthday came, and the farther into school I got the more that feeling waned. It takes vacations too, I guess. I think that this week away for my sister's wedding will be nice and much needed - Spending time with my beautiful, wonderful and sometimes misguided family always leaves me feeling a bit better - maybe it will help me get a few things together in my head.

To explain it in plain terms, I feel a little crazy. Very sensitive. Prone to tears, and bouts of depression that last for a day sometimes less. I feel out of whack, out of my "self." - - There is no one reason why I feel this way, no overarching source of trauma, but the cumulative weight of things seems to be doing something to me... or my body chemist has taken an indeterminate leave of absence and I am subject to my body attempting to regulate itself - which, if that is the case, it doesn't seem to be doing all that well.

My life, by all accounts, is enviable. My physical health is good. My friends just proved their immeasurable awesomeness and devotion both this weekend and today - my facebook wall and cell phone have literally reached capacity! You all have showered me with love and somehow it isn't soothing. I don't know what it is I lack that my emotional self seems to need so desperately, but it seems like I will continue to seek it aimlessly until I find it.

God is in there somewhere, one of the few things that does make me feel better is gospel music. There's a lot out there about God bringing you through trials. (and here I thought my growing pains where over!?) God is taking me through something, and I think that He is asking me to trust Him and to seek help, within His word and within His music and also with someone "outside the circle" who can speak objectively about my life.

All this being said, the time has come to go to therapy. I've battled with these ups and downs for quite a few months now and I think that they are beyond my power to fix alone. Welcome to being a grown-up, right?

I love you all so much, I don't want you to worry. I know this all sounds a bit off-putting and sad for a birthday post, but it's real and where I am right now. If you could just reach out, whenever you think of me, or just let me know that you are there - that would be a great help. I'll keep you posted on my progress

Love to you all,
AA

Paradoxical Pontifications

Feeling empty and full, light and heavy, old and new today.

It seems like I always apologize for my absence from my "writing sphere" - I've meant to, but haven't made the time. Things have been moving quickly here - a quick update:

Hillz and I have moved to our new house, that was an ordeal to say the least. Pictures to come soon. It's handsome, and a little more than we can afford... but it's very charming. We're looking for a decent, non-crazy roommate. We met a guy yesterday that might be an option, but he is a bit too assertive for my style. C'est la vie.

I got into graduate school - which is exciting and scary all at once. I'll essentially be studying international higher education. Huzzah, a nice change of pace.

I've been collecting thoughts for you:
- I enjoy the smell of vanilla/coconut products from Bath and Body Works.
- I also have been having scents stuck in my head - the smell of a certain man's cologne, the smell of clean laundry, chocolate, and drinking water.
- I like the cool icy feeling of my ring when I put it back on after I get out of the shower in the morning.
- I prefer gluesticks to tape when doing projects.
- I've been sleeping on my back since we moved, and I don't hate it - always been a stomach sleeper.
- I am trying to decide what I want to do for my birthday. Turning 25 this year... I would like to do something that involves a location, but I can't decide where I'd like to go.


Essentially my life is settling down a bit, and I am glad that it is. I feel fragile lately - for lack of sleep, I guess. Stress at work has slowed exponentially for me, which is nice. This is the first time in my whole life where the summer has been hard. Where I can't spread out and unfold my thoughts - reorganize, recuperate, and restrategize. Instead of a feeling of mental space, it's been much more like a feeling of mental pressure, that somehow translates into fog. This is the first time that I haven't felt mentally robust - I'm counting on this feeling that's been sticking with me for about a month to pass. I've been taking vitamins and sleeping more this week to see if that helps at all.

There is cheer in my life, however. I'm enjoying putting the house together, seeing things fit nicely in spaces and watching the major pieces fall together naturally and nicely. There are a few rooms that make me want to buy new things!!! the dining room table is far too small for the room, there is an empty room between the Dining and living rooms that wants for something to fill it and my room is big enough for a king sized bed... I might get it as a present to myself. I think a little retail therapy couldn't hurt ... though after moving all of my things, I don't think I will ever move them again as long as I live in Tallahassee, no matter what I have to do.

There is a spare room, all ready for visitors... so please come stay!

The boys are buzzing about me lately. We'll see where that goes, but I have no expectations.

I've been scanning some of my doodles into PDF format, which has been fun. Nice to have "permanent" copies of things and it feels good to organize them into folders that make sense and make them easy to find. I feel like there are so many drawings I've had to get rid of or lost because they were on some loose piece of paper or an envelope - and I doodle constantly, so I have an ABUNDANCE of work.

In general putting things in order is soothing for me. My life has felt a little uprooted and putting it right side up, into "sensical" nice nuggets makes me happy.

I found a piece of art I particularly enjoyed on One King's Lane by Cezanne - it was a lithograph based on Baigneurs au repos. Something about it feels like exactly what I need right now - a lazy few days in the sun.

Momma and I are headed to Orlando for her birthday this weekend. I'm hoping that I don't repeat the explosive foolishness of last time... let's just say, it wasn't cute. At any rate, I'll be trying to "keep it cute" this weekend. I'll fill you in on how all that goes!

Love to you all, warm thoughts to you and yours, I miss my lovely ladies
AA

Winter of Words

It seems that I am (or at least my words are) late to arrive at Spring.

It's hard to call July spring... but for my brain and my mental capacity to construct words worth saying I needed time. There's a bit of mud in my noggin from daily living and I've gotten myself bogged down in it for several months now. - - I didn't silence myself on purpose, but with that silence here, I have thoughtfully been saving little bits here and there. Thinking through things and arriving at conclusions.

One major inspiration for my writing, relationships (friends or otherwise), has also been a bit of a stagnant area of late.

I miss twin and her man terribly. Time with them was always easy and slow- something that this week I've really needed. (With Momma's dad passing a lot of things that were easy before at work became monumental tasks... This week has been heavy, for sure)

Death has been afoot. It took Momma's (my friend/coworker) father, my uncle's father, a cousin's dog in the July heat at the family reunion. Loss becomes more real with each death, and the possibility of losing those you love at any moment - this makes me feel unsettled, but in a somewhat positive way. It makes me want to reach out, always, to anyone I want to say nice things to, to have in my life, to love.

It makes me want to take risks; though I took a few before Death came to sit and stay a while.

I took my first road trip to DC and Beyond. It was hard to remember but I'll never forget it. I did get a little out of control, but c'est la vie, non? Test your limits.

I spent time with a gay couple in Orlando, friends of Momma's, and their son. It made me want to be a father more than ever. - - We talked about religion and gays, something that I have been really thinking about a lot lately, and somewhere in there I found a little more peace.

I have taken a few, rode with dad, just the two of us all the way up to Alabama. We talked about a lot of things and for the first time - while we weren't talking about anything that should have pressured him to say so - he admitted to and made an apology of sorts for being so absent in my (and my sister's) youth. Something about that was so gratifying, to know that he really DID want to be there for more, but school and wanting to have a better job to provide for our family kept him from being there all the time.

I'm also trying to mend fences, or write them off as irreparable:

Talked to Eesh, we made plans and eventually got together to watch a movie. I explained to her how I felt, that I had been abandoned for other people, that she no longer really wanted me in her life. There was an apology, but it wasn't really something I'd say was substantial. I think that we have come to a place where we are both comfortable. She has met other people, and so have I, and I think that our season together has ended. - - Sad it may be, but I feel like I did what I could to tell her I needed more from her, and she essentially said that she wasn't unhappy with where we are, and that I shouldn't expect her to give any more effort than she already is.

Also tried to rework a relationship I let go to pasture; tried to make nice with someone who screwed me over and later was a spurned lover. Needless to say, his big boy pants are all a facade like many other parts of his life. I still feel good that I tried to reach out to him.

Prince is next on the list... I have a letter to write.
Interestingly, he has a boyfriend now. Hopefully he doesn't think I am writing to him because of that... but when I saw the picture of the two of them, there was a small sting... interesting how even old wounds can still hurt.

Essentially, what I have decided is to put my hand out to those I love or value in my life, and pull them close. I never want to live with regret as a guest at my table. (Requiem for a dream made me feel that way too... live now, love now, help now. Tomorrow is too late. I saw it for the first time a few weeks ago)


All-in-all, I guess you can sum this post up to say I'm still growing. One of my goals for the summer was to talk to my Dad more, and I feel like a foundation has been laid. I feel like he wants to know me, now, the man - not the child I was.

Additionally I have decided to write at least weekly with tidbits of thought.

Tid bit of this week:

I blow on cold food sometimes... especially salad. I don't know why that it is inherent that I think all things are hot

Also my first reaction is try to turn down the radio volume knob in my car when I am on the phone when I want to decrease the noise of the air conditioner... instead of decreasing the fan speed.

- - -> make sure you know what "buttons" to push and when to push them or you may end up doing something superfluous or not getting the desired result because you are absentmindedly using the wrong tool to achieve your goal.

Thought I had this week when I anticipated complaints from one coworker: If you have time to complain about it, you have time to fix it.

On a lighter note, Harry Potter was great and it made me want to be in a move or do a show... something artistic ASAP.

Some crazy, fragmented thought posts to follow - -

Love to you all, my beautiful friends <3
AA

My insides are all edges.

There was this mental picture that I had once of a singer whose voice did not shatter a glass but was, however, gifted with the voice that itself was shattering glass. Shards of glass proceeded out of a perfectly lipsticked red mouth that sat above a neck gently tanned and framed at its edge by a fat bright white Feather boa. The sound that accompanied this rather terrible scene was equally awful, like the screaming scrape of thousands of cars clashing - - - From that image arose the idea that her voice was all edges, and that meaning that everything about the noise that came from her throat was uncomfortable, unsettling, that it made you physically unable to sit still.

My insides are all edges today.

I feel crystalline and frustratingly fragile - which only exacerbates the ailment. Ill of my pieces are shattered fragments of ideas and aspirations and they are too jagged to pick up and put back together at the moment. Kind of like when the "bad" Terminator gets frozen and busted into pieces... but also like him, I will thaw, and meld back together having learned a little something about myself.

Where is this coming from, I am sure you are wondering. Well, as always, I am clowning around on the internet and I met someone. A nice someone who I thought could be someone fun to spend some time with and maybe something nice would come from it. - - Well, that wasn't quite what happened. We talked and we established that we just wanted to hang out, I said that we should grab lunch, he balked at the idea and said he'd prefer that I just came over because he was nervous about the idea of a date. (Hello, Red flag) Anyway, I went to his house to hang out, it was LATE we made out, things led down that physical road they always do, and we fooled around. That was Monday night, fast forward to today >> we haven't really talked all that much since we hung out and I really wanted to see how he was, etc. So I texted him... the crux of the conversation was that in hindsight having me over was a bad idea, he wasn't/isn't ready for a relationship and that he is innocent and would like to "stay that way" - - Those final words broke me into a thousand pieces. I felt like a dirty, disgusting whore who had forced myself upon this person who hadn't wanted everything that happened to occur (When I said I would come over, he said that the most he wanted was to kiss). In hindsight, looking at both the conversation and the actions that took place, I realize that he is ... maybe ashamed or... something and this in no real way is a reflection upon me. However, it reminded me that I am not a person that "does casual sex well." (Related side note: please watch the 'Sexy' episode of Glee and pay special attention to what Kurt's dad says to him about sex, I'll include a transcript at the end of the post but it's better if you watch it.) - - (And Jewels told me I'd need to find someone to have sex with if I was going to give up masturbation, lol... though she didn't say it had to be casual sex, maybe I should just deal with the desires and let myself get to know someone before jumping into bed. The point of Lent is to Learn... this will teach me that my will to abstain is greater than my fleshly desire.)

I am a person of attachment, and I have ignored that about myself for a little while now. To have detached casual sex with someone, I have to have very little feeling for them - and very little regard for how it effects them, or what they feel about me. I have been used before as a "means to an end" when I thought it was more than that and then imploded silently when the house of cards I had built tumbled down. - - I don't want to be the person that does that to other people, that gives them false hope in a relationship that will never be, and I don't want to pin myself to the will of someone else anymore either. All that being said, I've decided to be more thoughtful about what sex does to me... some people can do the detached thing, I can't, and I like that about myself. I am built to be emotional and invest in people, I am embracing that fact and loving it despite the challenges it causes me to face.

Other thoughts that have struck me since I last posted:

I was going to rehearsal and I saw a girl with blue hair in ill fitting clothing applying bright orange/red lipstick and I thought "why would you elect to present yourself that way, don't you at least want to try to look human?" - - From that seed arose the idea that maybe consciously or subconsciously she and other people like her do not want to be human, because of pain, difference, inability to fit in, desire to be as outwardly different as you are inwardly different. At any rate, it made me think of my future Children and all the things that I want to tell them... "Dearest unborn children, know that you never have to create a facade to get through life, no matter what the reason, there is nothing wrong with you just as you are and you need no shield to deflect the judgment of other people, to attract attention to yourself, or bolster you when you need courage because you are beautiful just as you are - never let anyone or anything tell you differently. If you want something, earn it. If you feel something, communicate it. If you want to be different out of your own inspiration, be what you wish to be - but don't shroud yourself in odd armor because it's what others have done before you to cover a lack of comfort with themselves. Find the truest you, embrace yourself for your assets and your faults, and never hide it."

Today as I was on the elliptical (at 7 am - yes, I have to pat myself on the back - - kudos to me for walking 4 miles this morning!!)there was a news story on fox and friends... I don't normally watch the new in general, much less Fox, but here is what they had to say:
There is no looting in Japan right now, even after such a terrible disaster, because within Japanese culture there is a sense of community that supersedes the desire to take care of only their personal needs and desires. In Haiti, and less recently in New Orleans, people looted because of a lack of community and a need or desire to create excess for themselves. - - I ask that you try to create a sense of community with your neighbors and within your city. Reach out. It isn't only in crisis that we are "all in this together," the entirety of our lives is spent in proximity to other people, reach out to them.



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All the ground has to get tilled up for new things to grow, so I guess this is just me getting tilled.... All in all, I think everything will turn out okay, or at least Momma thinks so! Love to you all

AA
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Dad: For most guys sex is just, you know....
this thing we always want to do.
You know, it's fun. It feels great.
But we're not really thinking too much about, you know,
how it makes us feel on the inside, you know, how the other person feels about it....

Kurt: Women are different?

Dad: Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical.
You know when you're intimate with somebody in that way, you're exposing yourself.
You know, you're never going to be more vulnerable
and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys...
Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who got in way too deep with a girl
who said she was cool with hooking up....

Kurt: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.

Dad: No, it's going to be worse.
Okay? Because it's two guys.
With two guys you've got two people who think sex is just sex.
It's going to be easier to come by... and once you start doing this stuff you're not going to
want to stop.
You just.... you gotta know that it means something.
You know, it's doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though
it feels like you are just having fun.

Kurt: So, you're saying I shouldn't have sex?

Dad: I think on your 30th birthday it's a great gift to give yourself....
Kurt, when you're ready I want you to be able to do... everything.
But when you're ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person.
Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter.... 'cause you matter, Kurt.

Blogging before bed.

I think that I will try to blog before bed each night... which may not last too long, because I have a feeling it might end up with me not making too much sense or falling asleep at the keyboard - but I enjoy putting things out there, clearing out the mental space.

Today, Momma and I had lunch and I asked a question that led to a conversation that was revealing for the both of us. I asked her about her dad, she's never really told me all that much about her family - but I felt bad that I know her so well and don't know anything about her father. The conversation drifted toward family and she mentioned her mom and I inquired about her dad. The conversation meandered along to through different things - my distance from my parents, feeling like friends could be better, lack of communication in American homes and Relationships in and outside the family, feeling like our parents don't really know us - mostly mine don't know me....

The crux of all of it really came to what I feel is the breakdown of communication between the people of America and something close to an indifference for others. I wonder if this thing that I am idealizing has ever even existed... Children have always been somewhat afraid to tell their parents the whole truth (unless you have the awesome luck to have "Those" parents you can tell anything and they just help you get through all the mess....) Regardless of its existence or lack there of, this trend has trickled on down to us. Our parents and grandparents and their inability to show their feelings and communicate them somehow lead to my family and others... granted, everyone isn't as hands off as my father, but I feel like men were encouraged to suppress their feelings - conform to the masculine social norm... I just wonder where this road will end.


(Tangent: )
Who the hell knows what it actually looks like to be a man, anyway? Society, for the most part, gets everything wrong - there is no behavioral prescription for Men or Women, there may be tendencies that are encouraged... (I sound like a tree-huggin, granola eatin' hippy... so what) There is more to life than putting people in a box to make yourself more comfortable. - - - I will never forget this group of bitter 35+ year old women sitting behind me at a restaurant having this conversation about this man that one of them was "interested in" - - she was tearing him apart in front of her friends saying that because he liked to bake he must be gay. I wanted to say "No ma'am, but what he will be doing is making some other woman happy for the rest of her life instead of someone as small minded and unappreciative of a good man as you." Ladies, let's be real here, it's it's the 21st century and categorizing people by the things they enjoy doing is a little bit closed minded - - If he was a cross-dresser, even then the gay issue might not be so clear please note Maryln Manson. (Not that I'd take him home to my mother... ) Everyone has things they like to do, and if it doesn't hurt you, them or anyone else in the process have a cultured enough prospective to give it a chance before you tear them down and perpetuate this box of acceptable activities for one sex or the other. Did she feel threatened or something? Didn't want to give up the apron and dish washing gloves? Whatever - - - All that being said, I think that men, just as much as women, have the freedom to explore any previously gender specific activity they want to and they shouldn't be judged for it. Additionally, I encourage you to communicate the best that you can with everyone you come across - even if it require iteration after iteration. Get your point across.

That being said - - Also see that everything that you do touches someone else. For better or for worse, how you live your life directly or indirectly effects thousands of people. Live like they matter...


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That all came out not quite like I had thought it might, which seems to be a problem for me lately. My ideas seem to intermingle and somehow run over each other in a stampede to get out of my fingers, which says to me I should write more so this doesn't happen so much - - and maybe I shouldn't be on a networking site whilst attempting to say anything of true depth. At any rate, I love each one of you, so very VERY much. I started rehearsals for a show... it should go up in May, I'll keep you posted on the details - - if this first rehearsal is any indication of what may come, there WILL be stories to tell. I already have one that I can't wait for you to read.

Love to you all,
AA

Goodnight, Grumbles.

Life is funny, the things that catch in your mental trap - things you never expected to capture, jewels fated to come into your path. - - So maybe I'm feeling a little overly romantic tonight, but what's wrong with that every now and again?

Tonight I saw I am number four, and I thought, for what it is - it was pretty good. And of all the things in the movie the idea that stuck with me most is that a place can be as cool as.... I don't know.... Las Vegas, but it's only as good as the people you know there. Tallahassee for all it's faults, hasn't sucked the life out of me yet because of all the beautiful people that fill my life. Thank you!!!

On another odd note, as I drove away from the theatre, I wondered if I were someone charged with saving the earth would I want to (ala Milla Jovovich in 5th element). This was sparked by an insistent car that wanted my stellar spot and had me pinned into it so that I couldn't get out comfortably. I find myself less and less impressed with the rise in selfishness of people as I get older. This... lack of ability to remove themselves from their own thoughts and momentarily take a mental journey in the life of the people their actions are effecting. The beauty and the curse of being human is that we all are connected, regardless of whether you would like to be or not, to all the lives we've ever come into contact with. You connect, on some level - surface to the deepest depths, with everyone you come across. And so many others that I have come across seem to be black holes - the ingest everything they can, greedy for even the things they do not need, because they are centrally focused. Anyway, It never ceases to get me off balance emotionally when someone is selfish and completely uninterested in seeing anything from a perspective that isn't their own. It frustrates me because I cannot relate... I do not understand that kind of life... and maybe they are frustrated by me because they can't understand me either. Whatever the case, if charged with saving the earth I would put great thought into what I was saving and if it was totally worth it.

Another thing that's kind of got me going lately is the idea that on, granted it's a bit of a sleazy website, people think that they can lay out this list of things that they do and do not like and expect someone to come along, accept their "demands" and actually talk to them. For example, things like "no fems because I don't deal with that bullshit" - wow, because everyone that is a little fem must be a giant ball of disgusting drama and should go shoot themselves in the face A.S.A.P. I'm not super fem, but I am a little bit... and I just feel like people aren't being realistic here. The popular thing is to say that you want to date someone masculine... well, let's just say that a lot of gays aren't that... so you'll be looking for Mr.Right for a hell of a long time if he has to be masculine, tall, built, smart, attractive, etc. I'm not saying that you can't have things that you want from a relationship and a partner, hell - I have high expectations, but I am saying that I smell some dog doodie here. My theory is that it's a display of not being comfortable with oneself, with the idea of actually falling in love with another man, and just not being open minded in general. It's important that all people, despite what they look like and how fem or butch they may be feel like they are loved, or could be... Self-loathing is so 20th century, how many people need to have an eating disorder or kill themselves before we realize that it's up to us to say this is "Bullshit." You have to live in your own skin forever, you need to arrive at a mental place where you love, embrace and are fully aware of who you are - I'm not endorsing arrogance, but I am saying a little self-confidence never hurt anyone, and it's sexy. I've never met a sexier man than one that is all himself all the time and isn't sorry for it. ( - - - To that end I have stopped apologizing for things I do not believe are my fault) But anyway, short story of all that is stop putting negative energy out there people - you can have a list, I guess... just don't start off with that, and let it be fluid, realize that ideal is nice but you may find something that isn't at all what you thought you wanted, but is EXACTLY what you needed if you let yourself be flexible.



Right after I posted on Monday the douche texted, we went out and had drinks Monday night - - he's pretty cute and not bad to talk to in person. He's a little more noticeably fem to me than other guys that are "like him" - anyway, I got a little wastey and flirted a little, but nothing overt. The girl he brought along kind of ended up with the bad kind of drunk and I'm a little thankful because the night might have ended quite differently if I hadn't been shewed away by this crazy girl who didn't want me to see her vomit... cute, yeah? Anyway, I landed safely in bed - little too drunk for a weeknight AND my alarm didn't ring the following morning. I was an hour late to work, I'm SO glad they are so chill. I texted douchey boy and said I had a good time, he didn't reeeally say he did but I don't care all that much. We'll see if he calls anytime soon. I'm not holding my breath or holding back from two boys I met recently, one of them is SUPER cute and seems very sweet - and he's taller than me, which is rare but nice to have. I won't say more than that because I am already mentally getting us a domestic partnership in my head and I need to stop with the expectations foolishness I always seem to create in my head.

I got a haircut, it's pretty short - but when I looked in the mirror this morning I felt like I looked like a man. I felt kind of foxy. My face is a little thinner from more exercise and eating better. For Lent I am going to give up Fast Food, Porn, Liquor and Masturbation. I'm going all out this year. I feel like the hardest of them might be the Fast food, to be honest.... Wish me luck on making it to Easter, I really do feel like this is a good time to be without all those things, they are holding me back.

Sorry for my rambling rumblings and goodnight grumblings. Hope it made, at least, some sense. Now it's all blessed and released. I challenge you to bless and release something today, give it up to God, the universe, whatever thing you choose. Realize that you don't have to carry it with you - get it out there and let it go - feeling pretty zen right now, Love to you all!!

AA

Work and a Jerk.

So - I've been feeling seven kinds of prickly since Friday night. L'Bergique is being kind of a child, which is to be expected and not entirely annoying - he's just passive aggressive which is a little irritating. Most of my pricklyness stems from a certain dude that is in law school here - who is a bit of a duchebag - but long story short, I expected more of him than he could deliver and I got disappointed. So said dude, who I am not giving a name because I just don't want to, has dodged me right and left while promising to hang out with me and finally last night I got the balls to tell him about it. The conversation ended in silence on his end, it was via text... of course, but anyway - I won. I said what I needed to say and I don't have anything to apologize for, and I feel like I've got the power, damnit! (You would think this a good time for " I got the power" by Snap, but surprisingly the lyrics don't quite say what I would like for them to, sooo there you go! <---- this was what I came up with to musically encompass my thoughts)


I'm not up for anymore daily doses of bullshit, you know?


Tidbits of life you should know about: 1) I am enjoying my job a lot, working with Momma everyday is fun - tough making it on time every morning, but I find the energy somewhere to pry myself out of bed and go. 2) I went to the gym almost every day last week, skipped Sunday and Wednesday. But, that's a victory in itself - I feel better about my body and I can't wait to see what I look like in a couple months. I really want to love myself when I am not covered up with clothes. Which sounds odd, but it's something I've always been uncomfortable with. 3) which kind of leads to the fact that lately from a couple different directions I've been encouraged to love myself for who I am, exactly what I am, where I am and not try to present some sort of front - a stylized version of myself that is designed for mass consumption. I don't particularly want to be consumed by masses.... (28 days later, yikes) so, I think I can get with the embracing what I am.*
4) I am still trying to devise a time to blog, to that end I am going to start using more of my time wisely and invest in myself more - doing things that help me, like cooking and blogging, etc.
5) I was challenged to think of what it is that home means, what is it that defines it? Parts of the rituals that take place there - like cooking - there is something organic about that that I think is essential to making a house a happy home.
6) I am supposed to take the GRE in about a week and I haven't really studied. I think this could be a not so great thing. If I say no between now and next Wednesday to anything, it is more than likely because I have to study for the GRE. Booo, dislike.
7) I have been thinking a lot about the words that come out of my mouth lately. Momma was saying the other day that she says "God Damnit" and would like to stop, which made me think... gosh I say that too... among other things. I would like to eliminate certain words like "lame" and "retarded" out of my slang vocab, they perpetuate the negative feeling around these words and I don't like that.
8) The past two weekends with friends have been AWESOME!! Last weekend with Momma, MacGee, and Peach and this weekend with Twin, Mr.N, Hillz, MinniVann, VampChamp and others. I have great friends and am so thankful for them!!
9) You can love to do something and be terrible at it... but just because you are terrible and you know it, doesn't mean you shouldn't do something that brings you joy. Also, don't confuse being good at something a substitute for loving it - just because you have a talent for something doesn't mean you have to do it, or should make yourself if you aren't enjoying what you are doing.
10) I've been trying to read my Bible daily, and there is something odd about it. It seems like I literally put things on top of it that use up the time that I could devote to reading it. For example, my laptop. For months, when I would go to bed, I would put my laptop on my Bible - then I realized this literal manifestation of the idea of the world getting in the way of God and I moved my Bible to the other side of the bed, it's been sitting open, waiting for me ever since. I've read it once in the past week and I skipped church this week... which I do not plan to repeat next weekend. Positive vibes appreciated.
11) I found a little dresser I liked this weekend at Good Finds Tallahassee.... I might go visit it this week and buy it. Eeek!
12) I think I found a house to live in next year! We will probably tour it this week if all goes well and then maybe we'll have a place to live - - YAY!


Love to you all, Hope you find Joy, Spunk, and Verve in your day - Embrace all of yourself, live within the person that you are, find the fullness of yourself and hug it! You might find corners of yourself that you love, some that you don't, but all of it is part of the wonderful person that is YOU - we strive to be better everyday, but that doesn't mean we have to loathe what we are to change. Love yourself, I do :)

AA

undeveloped utterance

The world is spinning fast as ever and life hasn't really allowed me the time to scrape together toughts and arrange them neatly, in order, in the pristeen prose I strive to present - with a little alliteration lending life. - - - I promise I have things to share, and since Time isn't making the time for me to make it happen, It would seem it's up to me.

I am currently falling asleep as I try to compose this post.

Love to you all,
AA

there's lots of "i" when you apologise

So, I have been thinking quite a bit. (Surprised, aren't you.) Tonight I want to focus on a few things, but mostly on a letter and a play list that I got from Prince for my "birthday."
The letter is a bit hard to read - though he took the time to write it out 'long hand' as my grandmother would say; something that, in itself, is very personal and thoughtful. The first time I read it, I wasn't really sure what to think. It seemed to be a lot about his being hurt by what happened and didn't really touch on the horrible things that he did to me and it points to the music to further explain how he feels (which I think it kind of a cop out). The second time I read it was right before new years, knowing that I would see him at our friend's wedding. I wasn't as mad then, but it still sounded so very much about him and his needs and wants - - but I read it with the purpose to legitimately devise a reply, previously I had told myself I would think about it after my recital, and that didn't come, so I hadn't thought much about it. Seeing as I was about to see him, I needed... something to say, if it was brought up. And finally, I read it a third time just now and I mentally scolded myself a little for reading it as I did before. If you don't know my history with Prince, it's something I'll have to tell you in installments, it's something kin to an Epic, with fewer characters and hopefully will never be made into a bad movie with lack lustre special effects.

The letter reads:

(note, all the bold words were underlined, but I couldn't make that happen so I improvised)

AA,
Last year I started writing you a letter. It ended up being pretty long, but when I read it back to myself , I realized that it didn't say any of the things that I'd set out to communicate. Took me a week and a half to make this mix - figures, huh?
There aren't many things in my life that I regret, but not being able to maintain some kind of meaningful relationship with you is one of them. While you really hurt me - devastated me - back when. I had a huge trouble with forgiveness and seriously regret how I acted. I hope this music can explain me a little better than that terrible prototype letter that you'll never see.
I don't know hardly anything about you anymore, and the few times that I have reached out I've gotten the impression that you were really uncomfortable with any interest. I hope that if nothing else, you'll accept that I am such a vastly different person now than I was then, and that I wish you well and carry some but of you with me, like it or not.
I wanted you to have this on your birthday but was out of town and couldn't put it together.
Sorry, but better late than never, I guess?
Hope you're well. Hope this music reaches you internally the way it has me.
I miss you, in my own guarded way.
With love,
Prince.



There's an awful lot of I in this apology, and something about that doesn't surprise me. I feel like he always has been, and always will be despite his "vastly different" new self, self centered. He view the world through the lens of himself - how does this profit me, how did this hurt me, what did I lose. Perhaps the "new him" will never fully come into focus for me because he is obscured by the shadowy, terrible memories of the "old" Prince. The music seems to be just as much about him and his journey, but I think it was supposed to be - - Also, it's difficult to say exactly what he means because a song means something different to anyone that hears it even though the music and words are exactly the same.

I've been thinking about writing him since December, but I want to be tactful while expressing fully what it is that I need to say... or I just want to be silent and leave it at that. The nicest thing that I have come up with so far is: "we both made promises that we couldn't keep and punished each other when we failed. We weren't mature enough to provide what the other needed and in our immaturity we damaged each other in unforgettable, but hopefully forgivable, ways. I still am dealing with the wounds that you dealt me, and..." (then it's not so sweet) And I don't know what I want from you but I am not really sure that I want you to be any part of my life because previously what you did to me was toxic and nearly irreparable. Somehow, God and a tight group of people I gathered around myself helped me to come back from the place our relationship took me. I don't believe either of us is solely at fault, but certainly neither of us is innocent. When I look at myself now, I know that I wouldn't be what I am without you being a part of my past, but I don't know if I can let you be a part of my present or future because of where our relationship took me.


I've been listening to a lot of contemplative music lately and it all seems to be applicable to him. I suppose the time is coming when I will have to say something because I can't keep my feelings to myself. I want to represent myself in the best possible light and be beyond reproach - I heard that somewhere once and it's become a life goal since; live on the earth and be someone that conducts themselves in such a way, with such grace, kindness and poise that people do not easily find fault within them ....or the way they conduct themselves.

Anyway, my thought for the day is that when next I apologise to someone I don't want to make it about me - because it isn't if you are truly apologising. Then, just in general... what if in my life I stopped talking about myself and turned my eyes outward - "I, me, my, mine, etc." are not the only words I know. I am challenging myself to use the word I less this week.

Love to you all,
AA

Noise and News

Wow, I haven't posted in FOREVER - or so it seems.

A few things to know might be:

I gave my recital, made a little noise, spent a lotta dough and now I'm done! I think that what I was most proud of was the reception, which was kind of beautiful - - oh, and the fact I didn't forget any of the words to my pieces.

I realize that arriving ahead of time is a lot more fun than arriving right on time.

I got new glasses. I can SEE and that's nice. They are tortoise shell full framed glasses and I like them a lot, they really do something nice for my face.

I got a new computer for Christmas. There are no words for how much I needed it.

I got a new job that at first I turned down, but now feel really good about. Maybe it's fate?

The winds of change are always a-blowin' here in Anonymousville; I've been going to the gym very frequently and cooking for myself a lot - slipped a little this week because of the new job and helping my friend Jewels with her show that goes out to the public schools next week.

Spring, once again is starting early with the boys of Tally. I've gotten a lot of attention lately, but unlike the past I have stayed a bit more detached and aloof. I haven't had "sex sex" since December and I am looking to keep up the "good work."

I went to a friend's wedding on New Year's Day and ran into all sorts of people, including Prince. In this context, I felt very much like a new person in old skin, inhibited by my situation and unable to be fully who I am now because of what they remember of me then. I don't know how many times I was left to my own devices and how many times I was abandoned in mid conversation for something or someone else more interesting. Most of all it made me sad for them, sad for the people I once tried so hard to excite, entertain, love... I will never be enough for them, even as momentary company. It made me sad for them because they will never have what I have with Twin, L'Bergique, Jewels, Peach, Momma (and her boys) - - and the fact, to be a bit self aggrandizing for a moment, that they will never get the chance to know the real me because they are too caught up in their own foolishness to notice anything other than themselves. I saw the same tricks being pulled that I saw four years ago, but thanks to a bit of acquired wisdom, I chose not to play the game. Oh, and to toot my horn a little more, I looked pretty fucking delicious - eat your heart out folks. - - - Remind me to tell you about the letter Prince sent me "for my birthday," I need some help devising a response.

Advice and commentary from L'Bergique is always something my brain munches on like cow's cud. It revolves through my head on a daily basis and is really responsible for a lot of my internal monologue as of late. Things to think about that I'll pass on:
1) Cooking is the sincerest form of taking care of someone, including yourself. It can be a cathartic experience and it is a ritual that has lasted for thousands of years - the action of people providing for the most basic of needs for themselves and others. Investing the time to cook for yourself and thinking about how you are actually taking care of yourself by doing so is an interesting thought to gnaw on - one that I have really enjoyed and am trying to put into practice. Please pass on all your favorite recipes.
2) Friends are like parts of a tree. a) some are leaves, they provide you with nourishment, inspire movement, change, etc but are the least dependable part of your network of friends. When the weather turns cold they depart, and we must let them. We cannot hold onto them beyond their time, or we will not be able to grow new relationships, emotionally killing ourselves to maintain something that shouldn't be. (Trees with brown leaves in the Spring are dead). b) Some people in your life are like branches, more permanent than leaves, but still flimsy under the right circumstances, people that are more sturdily placed within your life but still have the potential to depart. c) some people are like roots, they ground you, replenish you, provide for you and reach deep creating a substantial network on which you can always rely. These pieces work also in a ratio leaves being the most abundant and roots being the least. - - I've expanded this to more than just friends in my life, but to most things. When something has lots its utility allow it to go be useful to someone else.
3) This is something I came up with on my own, but I feel like it's too similar to put in another section. I was going through the drive through at Wendy's and I paid with my debit card. For some reason this spurred a thought: By paying little money for low quality quick food now, I will have to pay in other ways when I am older, namely with my health. So this adage arose: Life is like a credit card, what ever you charge you must pay off at some point, sometimes with interest. The six minutes it took for them to sell and serve to me this death burger will turn into hours in a doctors office being tested for heart problems, hundreds of dollars in fees and medicine, and a life of discomfort from being overweight. This idea has morphed into many parallel thoughts but the crux is, only "buy" what you can pay for and investing in yourself, through whatever means possible will have great returns where lack of investment creates innumerable deficit.

Also, all of the music I have been listening to has really been speaking to me. It feels a little weird but good. I hope you are all taking the time you need for yourself, it's SO worth it.

Love to you all
AA

Helpful Hurt

Sometimes things you find out are helpful and hurtful simultaneously.

I just got off the phone with Beau.

I texted and called a few days ago, with no response. A little pang, but I was okay. I called him tonight and he didn't answer, I wasn't surprised.... until twenty minutes later he called back. I almost didn't answer, but I did, and the proceeding conversation felt very hollow. Empty of what I wanted. Along the way he told me he's been seeing someone, which I guess I already knew. Hearing it was a little hard - I want to say Thank God I didn't tell him how I'd been feeling, that I think about holding his hand sometimes and I really have never felt as comfortable or important in someone else's arms, but at the same time I really would like to tell him that. I've never been good at keeping my feelings to myself and often that alienates people.... just as much or more than bottling them up inside myself.

I wondered after we hung up why I am alone - it's partially because I need to be, partially because I want what I can't have, and partially because I spend too much of my time and energy on people that will never reciprocate what I give. All that being fun to think about, I wondered if I would continually be alone because I was dedicating my life to people who were happy without me in 'that' capacity.

Dinner alone then going out for a friend's birthday, then a movie. Sometimes thinkin's tough on a tender heart, but I also believe that this is a helpful reality and is yet another piece of myself I have discovered. Firstly, I need to stop thinking about dudes and get what's on my plate taken care of. Secondly, I need to buck up and realize that it's not all that bad being alone, and that friends help heal the little hurts you have. Finally, If you want something worthwhile you have to work for it, and any goal, with hard work can be achieved.

Sooo, I've just had the wind knocked out of me, but I think I'll be okay. Gonna go walk it off and see what shenanigans I can get into tonight!

Love to you all
-AA

Conversations over Christmas Ornaments.

As I made Christmas ornaments this afternoon I got a call from L'Bergique. We had a long conversation that covered many topics but what was most interesting to me was what we talked about last. Somehow we got on the subject of the classic Christmas image and what we each think about at Christmas. When I think of Christmas, I imagine the Christmas parade in my hometown with my parents and my sister, the familiar faced man dressed as Santa Claus, the funny little house he sat in next to the huge lighted tree on the courthouse lawn - - no snow, but cold temperatures. He mentioned that we as a culture seem to see Christmas as a holiday centered around snow and ice, cold weather, evergreen trees etc. but he posed the question, "how do people in the tropical regions associated with the U.S. see Christmas?" It's a little absurd for them to expect a sleigh and a man dressed in fur in 85 degree weather with no snow in sight. The idea that we, as a culture, long to be unified in what we think is an interesting one. Are images of snow and a sleigh applicable to Hawaiians and Puerto Ricans?

I think that you do not have to be surrounded by snow or believe in much about Christmas to appreciate the socially accepted images of Christmas time. However I found it interesting, this idea of social normalization - where we as a culture subscribe to an established idea given to us by previous generations and the tweaking of the media.

Conversely, I was also remembering a famous faculty member at FSU, Dr. Madsen. In his class he does an exercise and asks his students to imagine a generic object or idea. Then he asks a few people to describe their imagined idea. He says that if you ask a group to think of an object or idea there will be variance due to the nature that all people are different.

L'Bergique hinted at this but we didn't have the time to flesh it out, so I'll give it to you to mentally chew on:

With these thoughts in mind - the idea of social normalization and the actual lack of it -Could it be argued that there is no concrete idea of a family in America. Each person perceives it in a completely specific way based upon their own experience. Thus the conservative platform for solidifying the American family under the concrete umbrella of a man and a woman is only a psychological agenda to unify the accepted social norm to exclude all types of alternative families. (Single parents, households with grandparents or other family members, homosexual couples, etc.) Should we allow the government to pressure us into an idea of family that they ascribe to when regardless of how the law defines a family, there will always be a wide variance of images people associate with that word/feeling/idea

That was a wild ride, I know, and I didn't do it too much justice - - BUT it is an interesting bunch of thoughts to think on. (Also last night I mentioned to someone that it would be great if I had a mechanism that could trace my trains of thought so that I could figure out how I arrive at the places I do...) Happy thinking!

Love to you all

-AA

Say your Thankfuls

Every night when I was little my mom would read to my sister and I from the Bible. After that we used to say our "thankfuls" - things and people in our lives we were thankful for. I am endlessly thankful for each of you. I am thankful for your existence on this planet and that God put you in my life. Each of the people that I talk about in this blog have touched my life and I hope that I, in some small way, can repay them. May the lord bless you and keep you and bring you the greatest peace.

Love to you all
-AA

Twin text

As my posts are so oft, this is a collection of all things of consequence - the crux of my thoughts. I was struck recently when I read Twin's blog and really felt like we, in some respects, are truly twin spirits. This is a fragment I have been stuck to like a worry stone, passing it through my mental fingers, turning it over and over in my imagination's hands.

"...Pieces of her world would be empty soon as well. Great big pieces. For someone so seemingly full of life, sadness always seemed able to creep in and sit down with her..."

I saw her today, we were on the same page before we even talked. It isn't the holidays approaching or anything circumstantial that has brought us to where we are - it's a jumping off point. We are at the end point, and thus beginnings must be planned - time to make ends meet, in all possible senses of the cliche.

I feel strange inside - disturbed, but not in a check me into an institution sort of way. I am uncomfortable - ideas whizzing through my head, thoughts out of order, difficulty creating sense of the entropy in my mind. Pieces of my life, the identity I have created for myself, will soon be part of my past and no longer part of my present. With those absent pieces pulling away from me, the gaps are filling with a bit of melancholy. Don't be confused, I still find myself hopeful but at this stage realism is necessary and with realism comes a tiny bit of bitterness and melancholy.

I made a list on yellow construction paper of my thoughts for my future (a rather cheerful color that I picked because it was close at hand and I had no other paper in the house - perhaps it will be symbolic at some point). My plan, at the moment, is to find a job, save money, develop my ideas into possible plans and clear my head of all the junk I've let collect in it over these past few months. When the dust has settled, something will come together - I can feel it.

Another thing that I can feel is an itch, something I've felt since I was a child and I am following that intuitive thought most especially now.... more on that when the time is right - and no, I'm not going to audition for American Idol or try to get my start on Broadway (...yet). Positive thoughts and requests for guidance are much appreciated and welcomed :)

SO MUCH Love to you all, I feel blessed to have you in my life!!
AA

Stories.

So, there is a certain place I go to have my Business Meetings (aka BM) when I am at school. I went there today, in fact, and I saw another 'conscientious' man coming down the stairs from the mezzanine. I thought about it for a second as we talked and realized he must have just come for dropping of some Cosbys at the pool since he was coming from a place he had no real business being. I headed up the stairs to the silent and my senses proved someone had recently been there. (My olfactory sense has always been one of my stronger ones, that and touch.) Anyway, I was thinking about the last time I had been there and I remembered this little story I had forgotten to post since I've been a hermit for weeks. So, here's a little early-morning funny for you.

When I am at work I try to keep it close to the office, no one ever really goes to the second floor for 'business meetings' they use the WC and get the heck out. Well, on this particular day I got a fairly urgent call from Mr. Rumblie Tum Tumbley and made a bee line for the nearest restroom only to find it occupado by someone using the only truly functional stall... the other the door doesn't stay closed. As soon as I see feet below the edge of the blue enameled stall I turn on my heals and dash toward the mezzanine of the performance hall in the next building. I make it just in time. All goes well, the toilets haven't even been used that day - still cleaner in from the night before. Then as I am 'wrapping it up' I grab for some t.p. from the giant plastic monstrosity mounted above my head. The t.p. doesn't tear and I yank on it a little. The next piece is even less cooperative and just as I get it to tear off the front cover of the dispenser opens and whacks me square on the head. Needless to say I may have screamed, I didn't know what it was until it was too late and I had already yelped, then I laughed out loud. Who gets hit on the head in the middle of trying to be regular...? Me, I guess.

Another little, less funny story:

My jury for my recital was last week, I made mistakes, we all do. Of the 4 faculty present, 2 passed me and two did not. Thus there was a draw. One must receive a majority to pass any jury. After much talking, waiting, and adulting (i.e. not freaking out and dealing with life a step at a time) I was told that my best, and really only, option was to give the recital after a re-take of the jury exam the first week of Spring classes. I feel like I did a good job of being positive and doing my best to "look at the bight side" finding that there was nothing I could do but deal with the circumstances as they were and proceed with the utmost attention to the details of what people disliked and an unconquerable resolve to be at 100% the first week in January. I took a little break from the music, but am very much back on the horse. I'm sorry for any inconvenience it may have caused any of you. God had other plans, it appears.

The crux of it all, laugh through the shit, pick up the pieces and never let anything get in the way of you doing your business.

Keep smiling, Love to you all
AA

Monogamy, Monotony, Quality and Quantity

So, dearest friends, it has been a while since I posted and oh the news there is to tell. The name of the post is really where my head is at right now -my thoughts staked into the ground by these four words....

Monogamy - so, my life has not really been associated with this word lately. I have been a ho in most senses of the word, minus the getting paid part (Though, I have recently considered being a houseboy in recent weeks). I find that it is something that I talk about, muse over, and ultimately say 'bollocks' to at this moment. In recent months, I haven't kept track, but I have entertained more than a few men with my physical charms. These actions were not necessarily because I craved the attention, or needed it even (not saying it didn't feel nice at the time) but I am a 'people pleaser'. One of these fellows I was pleasing happened to be infected... not with anything of an incurable nature, but I did get it. My first STI/STD, and I got it because I was trolling for ass - wanted the attention of someone; got it... and more than I ever bargained for. I've been treated, I should be fine. I got a full battery of tests done, some of which will come back later.... but through all of this I have been afraid. Who have I unnecessarily trusted and chosen to please and was it worth it? I would dare say for the most part the number of people I've extended trust to has been great and the worth of their time and the experiences had were small. With that in mind, I am putting out into the world this idea: No Sex New Year. i.e. no sex in 2011 including but not limited to sex, fooling around, etc. Kissing shall be permitted on a case by case basis. I have found that I feel like what I do in the bed seems to cheapen me in other areas of my life and I wonder if making that a non-issue will give me even more mental space to give to myself and the people I care about. - - This is just an idea, and I like alliteration so less sex new year sounded .... less fun, and it's a harder idea to enforce.

Monotony: my life has been running on a bit of a loop in many different ways over the past year(s), (shockingly I have grown more than any other stage in my life) and I am thinking of breaking cycles. 1) I talk a lot about things I want, about myself, my needs, dreams, desires, experiences, wishes etc - - sometimes when I am listening to myself talk, I find it annoying. I wonder if people hear the "I" driven speech that sounds so selfish to my ears. 2) I procrastinate - one of the reasons I didn't "pass" or "fail" my jury was because I had procrastinated. I procrastinated because of fear of the unknown, available distractions, lack of interest in the material, and the predisposition to wait until the 11th hour to complete a task because traditionally that works. Procrastination needs to come to an end as does letting fear of knowing the magnitude of an issue stopping me from finding out what I am dealing with. There are several things that I have ignored for fear that they are too big or too ugly for me to handle - each has turned out to be more than manageable and if they had been addressed early would have been a non-issue. 3) the move toward mutual investment: I need to stop , and have in many cases, investing in those who are not mutually invested in me. There are other things but that leads quite well into -

Quality & Quantity: It would seem that there is and always has been a sort of co mingled definition of the two words. Bigger is better, More is better, Wider is better - all imply that intrinsic goodness is synonymous with size or quantity. More is not an indicator of quality, depth, necessity, or any term of value - it is just a larger amount. (what happened to everything in moderation? just like less sex new year, it's longer and is less fun to say). My hope is that in the coming months that I spend quality, invested, important time with those I love. That I reciprocate their investment in me. (I thought about, for the first time today, what it would feel like to be my mother and not feel reciprocation and or appreciation of the time, financial, and emotional investment made in her child - I feel like I don't reciprocate enough...) I also realize that it is easier for me to make a scheduled time to see about/visit with the people I care about. My life is over-regimented, and I easily let things run overtime and forget to call or make time for people who I really actually do want to see. The idea of practicing music and language also plays into this area of thought. They are things that I enjoy and am good at, but in order to be a professional there needs to be a balance of both quality and quantity of time spent.




My thoughts are breezing through my head like trains in Grand Central, I am feeling a reawakening of creativity and a resurgence of hope for the future. Many seeds to possibilities have been planted, and I am excited to see what they grow into. I have never felt more adult than I do right now. I am ready for what comes to me, I feel equipped to deal with it and make arrangements with a positive unconquerable attitude.

I hope you are staying warm, in your homes and hearts. Chins up! The world can only defeat you if you let it.

Much much MUCH love to you all,
AA