My very good friend started her blog today, which made me think, "why the hell am I not saying anything in my blog!?" True, my posts are intermittent at best, but I recently have had "a lot of feelings" a la
Mean Girls school therapy session.
I suppose divulging all should happen more organically than just ...diving in, I am feeling a little bit of mental mold growing, my brain seems to be wrapped in fuzz lately. What I can say is that some things have happened recently, both good and bad that have shown me, more than ever that life is worth living and God is real.
I was enrolled in 21 hours this semester and very nearly crashed and burned, but grades posted Wednesday and I managed to make several A's, A-'s and only one B. I made the Dean's List for the first time in ages. The last month of school would not have been possible without the provision of God. The last two weeks were especially tough, with tests, papers and presentations in each of my seven classes, plus the beginning of things for some projects in the spring made for hectic and stressful time. Around every corner God was there to soften the blow of what otherwise could have been a brutal end to the semester, deadlines were extended, grades liberally adjusted, etc etc. Truly kindness and understanding was in the hearts of all people involved.
I have met someone, someone different, special and new.... that I am, in fact, very excited about. We'll call him... oh, I don't know... Gem, and yes, it's a guy. My life has been full of struggling with sexuality and trying to reconcile the strong feelings I have for my Lord and Savior and being attracted to men. Most people find it very strange that I believe in God at all, but since I was young I found myself being very aware of the presence of God and His love and simultaneously aware at puberty of my extreme attraction to men. We'll have that God convo some time soon, promise. In recent years I have kind of put the pieces together in a creative and personally functional way that may or may not be supported in the least by theology but for not it seems to work for me. (Tangents pervade posts without sufficient previous literature... ) So Back to Gem, so named for his perfection and value as a person.
BACK STORY:
Gem is a few months older than I am, a thin wisp of a man who is unassuming, kind, quiet pensive and truly beautiful. We met several months ago at a bar, he asked if I was dating a specific person and I, living the perpetual life of a bachelor, of course said no. By the end of the night I got up the courage, possibly inspired by the amount of Red wine I had, to ask him why he was so interested in whether I was with so-and-so. He said something about how so-and-so wasn't "on my level" which sounded odd but I think it was a compliment, I probed a little more for what I really wanted to hear him say..."okay, I think you're attractive and I was just wondering why you'd be dating someone like that" - to this I had already mentally constructed a reply that would consist of ten digits on the back of an old receipt out of my wallet. I executed the plan, smiled and parted. I left the bar having given my number to someone for the first time, and so I began to wait. After he didn't call for several days I thought I should go by, but ended up busy in other projects and when I finally did go back he was off for the evening. I counted it as a draw and went on with life.
The Twist:
Just a few weeks ago I had just gotten to my parent's for Thanksgiving with cats in toe (that's another good story worth telling) to get a text later that evening from one of the guys that I went out with the fateful night I dropped my digits on Gem. They said he has gotten a new phone and lost all his contacts and wanted my number again. I gave the go ahead and on Thanksgiving day got a text from Gem and from there it grew rather quickly into something a bit serious. (Apparently he had a boyfriend and that's why there was no phone call, though they were on the rocks and I stuck in his brain the last few weeks of their relationship...whoops, sorry ;) ) We hung out after T.G'ving only to plan another hang out later that week.... which lead to another and another until we were spending pretty much all of our free time together. We kissed for the first time on the ninth, and other than making out have kept it pretty low key for which I am patting myself on the back. He makes it very hard for me to keep my hands off of him.
I like him a lot, that sounds like such a childish and immature thing to say but it's true. We haven't known each other for very long but he just feels ...
right. Not only is he insanely nice but he's sexy and he's someone that I am not only attracted to physically and emotionally but intellectually, he covers all the bases with his quiet elegance. All of my previous relationships have been made up of me being the "giver" that I am and trying to find the feelings that the other person had for me. As I have gotten older I realize the complete inaccuracy of that mentality and see that it only hurts everyone involved, but it is my past and I embrace it. I, for the first time, feel totally invested and excited about Gem and I making something together.
Merry Christmas to me?? :) I think so.
(P.s. This is freakishly similar to my parent's story... they met in their twenties, my mom just graduated from college, my dad lost her number and they ran into each other again a few weeks later and really hit it off and now have been married for almost 30 years... hmm... omen? I'll just go with I am excited and am celebrating Christmas with a little extra zip in my skip because of this very excellent creature in my life, Gem.)
