Realizations and Reactions

Sometimes God brings you to a place in life where you realize something heavy about yourself, a sobering fact that maybe you noticed before in the quiet moments, in the shadow of the day when the sun stretches its veils across the dimming sky. In recent days, something that I had only seen in the vaguest of detail came into focus. I am selfish. - - - In all seriousness selfishness is not quite as bad as your blue haired sunday-school teacher told you, but in this cause I feel a great necessity to rectify this fault of character where my friends are concerned. I have realized that there are periods of time when I put friends down and forget about them, hide them in a box and put them in the obscure corners of my mind. This revelation revealed my lack of ability to trust people... There really is no one that I have let all the way in, though Gem was getting close - and I think that's why I was so effected by the separation - and since have felt as if I were continuting life but feeling nothing. The point being that I have a tendency to keep people at arms length and in that distance allow myself to leave my friends behind in times when I am busy making the excuse that I am "too busy" when, since returning to the life of a bachelor, I spend most nights sitting on my couch alone. I have decided that I do invest in people quite a bit of myself and my time, but it is not the full bredth of my ability and the reason I cannot say that I have a "best friend" is because I have never allowed myself to be close enough to someone to have such a relationship.

All that being said, I have elected to examine my relationships here in T-nasty and decide which are worth spending more time on - creating a closer and more meaningful relationship- and which are not. The people who are my true friends deserve more and the people that aren't... well... don't. My goal is to increase time spent with friends and make lasting and unforgettable bonds that cannot be places in boxes or corners and as this is my last semester here, there are only very few moments left to make such connections.

With love,

AA


P.s. - I forgot to mention in my last post that my character in the opera is Persian and you know what that means! BRING ON THE SUN TAN LOTION ;) ( My little white bottom will be brown by March) I am excited about this project of obtaining tan skin - I look pretty good with one, if I do say so myself.

Ash Wednesday - Ashes and Embers

This post is a cliffnotes version of the past few days/weeks:

This Week:

Valentine's Day was lovely, I met a man from Paris online and we talked for the better part of the afternoon. Valentine's Night was a little less bright and cheery - half-empty beds don't make for the snuggliest of sleeping.

I sang for Graham Johnson, one of the most famous accompanists and vocal coaches of all time. He didn't love my performance, but I thought, for me, it was a performance to be proud of.... and I got more than a few compliments about my attire and stage presence. (FYI: I love me a good paisley tie... I think I have four in various color schemes - I wore the green and navy blue one that night) (People also said I looked good today, which made me feel quite nice)

I finally sent my application for the program I have been looking at in Spain. I am applicant number 1877 - which means that there is hope that I will get the grant to teach there for 8 months (October - May) but I might not.... So, I'm going to send all the additional paperwork and then I will find out in April whether I am accepted or not for this coming school year. If I am not, I am not really sure what my plans will be - but I guess we'll cross that bridge in April.

Another future travel update: I am going to Paris for most of July! I'm so EXCITED!! I make my final payment in a few days! I am looking for a flight etc, I want to go early but I don't know anyone there so I'd have to get a hotel or hostel for that amount of time.

Life is full of new plans and things coming together. I have decided that I am no longer able to avoid studying as I usually do and that weekends will soon start being devoted to homework to allow for less stressful and hectic week days.

I fell short of my plan to learn my Debussy set for my recital on or before Valentine's Day, so I am trying to wrap that up in short order, though I think I might leave Debussy for a while and learn some of the Hoiby that I have been assigned. 'To an isle in the water' sounds pretty interesting and quite a change of pace from what I have been working on so far this semester.

The opera has begun, we've already staged act one and started act two tonight. The going is tough, and it looks like I am going to have to buckle down here too. - An upside: I get to play a Persian man which means I have an excuse to get a great tan or even go to the tanning bed and I get to be funny and cute, hopefully I can avoid wearing the rehearsal skirt, or any skirt for that matter, for the rest of the run. Note to self: Don't be a Drag Queen.

French is kicking my beeeeehind. I am currently talking to three of my friends about meeting to practice conversing in French with each individually as well as starting to attend the student groups that meet weekly for French and Spanish. My conversational skills are not quite up to par, as noted by one of my teachers especially, so in order to get the grade I want I have to work harder.

To graduate Cum Laude, I need to bring my GPA up, which means it is time to get serious about school - and everything else... unfortunately.

I need to find a job for April through June that I can return to in August - October.... if anyone has any ideas, they'd be extremely appreciated.

Musings of the week:

Lucy Ho, Tallahassee's own restauranteur and Costume Mistress of the Florida State Opera Company, said that this is a bad year for us kids born in '86. (the year of the Tiger? - I think) and I have to give it to her, this year, thus far has been a year of much trial and tribulation but more than those things, internal discovery and growth. - - - I have discovered that I am not as comfortable with myself or others as I once thought. This is something that I am working on and trying to augment a bit. - - - Today in the car on the way back from Wal-Mart I was listening to a song (that I can't seem to find online right now) that talked about how two men view the same girl who sings the song and how one thinks she's perfect and wonderful and the other just seems to put up with her. She says one guy finds her irresistible. This thought gave me pause, I have never been or felt irresistible to anyone. For a moment I was sad and thought about how nice it would be to illicit such feelings from someone then I thought to myself this is something that should be remedied! Why am I always the one to invest everything and go bankrupt at the end of the day? It is far past the time that someone should invest in me in such a way that I feel loved, wanted, appreciated and above all irreplaceable.

Along those same lines, today marked the end of a second week without seeing Gem. At our last dinner there was a palpable disconnection between us, I don't know how I feel about him... he just exists and though he said he wanted to remain close and continues to say so, he makes no effort to maintain any sort of relationship with me. We have made countless sets of plans that he has bailed on and said "sorry, ...." insert sad excuse for a reason. I am quite through with "sorry" - the truth of the matter has always been and remains that if something or someone is important to you, you think of them and make time for them. I see no evidence that this is happening and thus, my hand is forced. I have decided to allow him to come to me whenever he pleases, but I will try to decrease effort on my end to a bare minimum, at this point he has fallen short in all ways possible and lacks the desire to truly make me feel worth his time and energy.

As it is Ash Wednesday, Lent begins - I am giving up Hamburgers and Liquor - a very sad trend for me lately has been to sneak off to McDonalds or some other place to get fast food when I get hungry. The weight I have managed to somehow lose will find me once again if I stay on said track - but more importantly, I think that it's time to think about the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and choose to make a sacrifice myself.

So, there are ashes floating about in the air, reminders and musings about the past and present as well as embers to stoke the flame of the future. Thank you all for your sweet messages of encouragement and kindness. I feel truly blessed and am making the daily decision to be happy as much of the time as possible, I wish you the same happiness.

Love to you all

-AA

Haywire Hairdryer.

The title of today's post refers to my dearest hairdryer that has, in fact, gone haywire. I have been sans hair assistance for the past few days and my "doo" has suffered a bit, but nothing of note yet. I feel like tomorrow the real rebellion will come and I'll look like a young brunette Albert Einstein. (If this does happen, I'll be sure to document it for you ;) ).

My brain has been much like a grocery list lately, full of points, facts, figures and data. My thoughts don't produce anything of real value beyond their first flash of meaning.

My head feels oddly disconnected from my body and without real purpose. - I've been sleeping quite a lot and watching self-imposed dvr'd television marathons and maybe this is the source of the absenteeism of my usual excess of thoughts.

I hooked up with someone this weekend.... I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't have. He was sexy and available, but not someone I see myself dating long-term. He's a fantastic guy and I don't want to turn him into Mister Make-do, but I feel like he might be my 're-bound' guy. All I can say is that I would like a Valentine - maybe between now and Feb. 14th something in the stars will align? Regardless, it feels more than fulfilling to have a couple gentleman callers. ;) and by a couple I mean.... a few. I truly am, at least some part Blanche Devereaux - and I like it.

Goal for the next post is to regain my bearings and try for more elegant prose, until then, I have hair to hassle with and gentleman to gently ( or not so gently) kiss....

Love to you all.

-AA

New Month, New Post.

I'm sure you've all missed me since Wednesday, but I thought that I (and perhaps you) needed some time after that last post to digest everything I was thinking.

The past few days have been full of friends couched in libations, and laughter. I spent Saturday and Sunday night with Momma, Mix and MacGee. The three of them are truly just fantastic people. Happily, I ran into Aid and Twin on Friday night after a fabulous dinner with friends at Tapas on Thomasville Rd. Aid and Twin are doing well, I haven't really seen too much of them since Gem and I stopped seeing each other. I had an excellent conversation with Aid who was her brilliant and helpful self. I know that God has brought me to Aid and Twin, we are alike and different, each special with our own unique presence but we all are facing things that are difficult to parse through and make good sense out of... I thank God for Twin and Aid... They make me stronger and I hope that, in some fashion, I do the same.

I ran into Gem too, and tried to be available and aloof. Paradoxical, I know. We were supposed to see each other some time between Sunday and Tomorrow, but I have a feeling that other things will overshadow me in his mind and I will disappear beneath photo shoots, pot, and general mismanagement of time. I texted and called today to see if he was available for dinner and he still hasn't responded - 5 hours later.

Today was mostly good in retrospect, but while it was happening it was rather awful. The short story is that I am supposed to be registered for an ensemble every Spring and Fall semester, but am not currently because until today, I was unaware that it was necessary after one had completed all the necessary semesters for credit. Upon finding out I was in trouble, I went to the present and future department head to explain why I had not signed up for an ensemble. Condensed it seems much less dramatic, but there was much ado about the whole situation. I was informed that I may be able to keep my schedule as it is but I won't get the final verdict until tomorrow.

Today, I am living, but feeling rather "blah" - Thoughts, Energy and Prayers accepted, as always.

Love to you all,
AA