And so it is...

So, the title... so emo, right. It has something to do with this song, which is a reflection of one of the many shards of feelings I have - I don't think I've ever felt quite so bi-polar.  I say shards because it literally feels like my whole emotional self has shattered into several major pieces between which there is a little connecting trail of broken mixed emotions. I imagine the shards as giant mirrored glass icicles and little mirrored almost imperceptible dust between them, just so we share the same image. And at alternating moments my heart jumps from shard to shard. It's really quite the roller coaster.

So, today I wore sexy... or maybe cute is the better word... underwear and said to myself - You are wearing cute underwear today, it's going to be great! and it was, mostly. I started off the day with a sort of melancholy mood, but it was mixed with hopefulness (I hope you don't mind, but I will take you through my mental playlist that captures these moods) - - So, let's go on this sonic-ly emotional journey, shall we?

I played this for myself this morning as a... If you wanted me, I could do anything you wanted, because I'm actually that awesome. (which we did in the a cappella group I was in in College... lots of ins...) - by this time not really remembering my awesome underwear. But I think it set the mood for the day, which ended up being mostly good though entirely unproductive. I talked to a guy all day online - this guy I met on a semi-shady site, but isn't everything semi-shady in the gay world. Anyway, we had a great conversation

Momma and I had a few good exchanges today where we both encapsulated things that we have learned from academia and our personal lives. Both cathartic and enlightening. :) I'll get to those life lessons later.

Then, I sang to myself in the bathroom, which I often do at work. A melody I got from Le Prince Rebel and something about it is so... yes. It's about a love triangle, unrequited love and a trap and something about it just said... this is what you need right now. I think it has something to do with me feeling something like this person... like the lady in Notes on a Scandal... so not in control of their own life, somehow smart and seeming to have all the right pieces to be totally successful but being devastatingly unable to figure things out. Lately I feel like I am just taking the advice of others without any analysis... like I am letting other people live my life for me. And that's not where I want to be... So... this is sort of an acknowledgement of that latent power I feel that I have and a desire to turn potential into kinetic energy. - - That all sounds really weird and kind of sad, but I just realize... I haven't been a whole person lately and I chose that and I am choosing now to no longer be a waif, a tragic character in my own life, tossed about by the whims and thoughts of others. So... ultimately uplifting?

And then, I returned to a song that... really... just does something to me. I don't know what it is or why, but this song has resonated with me at so many points in my life since I first heard it... and it continues to have a deeper meaning with each turn of the page in my life. (Which reminds me of this song, sung at my parents' wedding and I mused about how Cotton and I would never be married... and no one would sing this song for us.... and things have faded a little now, since that feeling rose up). Anyway, so back to Adamo's little women - so today, this was sort of my words to myself and to Cotton. That of course I love him but things end, things change and that's okay... and you don't know what you need sometimes but you have revelations and things change and its wonderful, magical. This may not be magical, this change of state between partnered and single, but through it we will learn and grow and be better for it.

Which somehow led me to this song, an arrangement of the Prayer of Saint Francis by Rene Clausen. I think that I was focusing on one of the lines... but now, don't remember which it was. And that's what happens when you have a thousand things in your head...

Which then led to the rapid succession of Some interesting songs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9, 10, 11, so on and so on. etc. etc.

So what does it all mean?

I think it means that I'm going to be okay. Not yet, but I am going to be. And that I need to work through some things... but at the end of it all, I'm gonna be me.I need to be me. The Real, unapologetic, pretty fucking awesome me. (sometimes I don't know who me is... but I need to figure that OUT. too much time of my life has been spent blindly following others... and it's now time to get right down to it and decide what I am made of and who the hell I am FOR MYSELF).

And it means that music out there about breakups (and other things) is powerful, full of emotions that resonate with me. the firey, terrible consuming shards of emotion that tear me apart or get me through the day.... And maybe, just maybe all the pain captured in these songs... though beautiful, and tempting, like a siren these songs are pulling me into the depths of the sea of my emotions... deep and terrible depths and maybe I need to seek something else to sooth my pain... or just be very careful about what I listen to. (I have been fixated on breakup song words lately and just think... with every one... THAT IS WHAT I FEEL... (Well, execept today... when I talked back to the radio when Maroon 5 was on and said... every day isn't worse... maybe it's not better but I'm not on some downward spiral... and then... I felt better :) I think I'm getting the hang of this... piece by piece).

So... no it's time for a little wisdom sharing circle time... so criss-cross apple sauce ya damn selves (which always made me think of Catholics (crossing themselves)) and tune your alien antennae to Ammurruhkuhn cuhz here we go.

1) I modify myself. My behavior, my lifestyle, my theology on an almost daily basis in order to appease whomever is most important to me at that moment or who I feel will be disapproving of my thoughts or feelings. This is not okay.

2) I do not give myself any God-damned credit ... (financial credit... I got, though...). This is not okay.

3) I am a giver, people pleaser, and all around maker of happiness - - and yet, receive little such action in return. Reciprocity and balance is important. This is not okay.

4)When you are in a relationship, it should make you better. Not worse. The relationship should make you feel like you are functioning or working toward functioning at your best and that you are challenged to be a better person by the thing you share with this person.

5) You should want to know your partner intimately, and want to understand what it is they do and what they are interested in... Ask to be shown how something works, be a part of the process, understand why they like it and why it is important to them

6) You should be able to say what your needs are and legitimately believe that they can and should be met. If they can't... and you REALLY need those things from them... impending doom. (Like the Mayan end o the world this friday... or, now, tomorrow).

7) When someone wants to walk away, let them. If you did everything you could in the relationship to make it work... then it's not your fault and running after them puts you in a position of powerlessness

8) a healthy relationship should not make you feel desperate - like you are clawing at it just to try to hang on. You should feel comfortable, there should be an abundance of trust,

9) the person you date should not make you feel like they do not want to spend time with you or that they are do not have time for or are not interested in your thoughts, feelings, emotions etc.

10) life is not easy, there are no hard and fast rules - but don't change yourself for any reason but to be the best you that you can be. If someone is asking you to compromise yourself, say no.

11) If there are parts of the relationship that make you uncomfortable... they will always be there, unless you talk about them, and even then they may not go away. Is it something you can deal with long-term?

12) Don't let anyone make you feel anything that you don't want to feel... especially that you aren't valuable. If the things they do and the words they say make you feel like you aren't important, it's not a good fit. Don't let them steal your voice from you.

13) A relationship should bring you Joy, at least some of the time, hopefully more than it brings you pain. If it brings you more pain than joy, it's out of balance and may not be right for you.

14) every experience in life is a learning experience. Take what you can from it and keep it moving. Dwelling on what might have been, or won't be anymore isn't helpful, those thoughts represent unmet expectations and will only make you sad.

15) Be intuitive and self-reflective. Be honest about what it is you need, both with yourself and your partner. If they cannot meet your needs, then the match may be a bad one, and getting out and being sad is better than staying in and sad - - because eventually the out of relationship sads stop whereas the in-relationship sads continue because they remain unaddressed by you or your partner.

Yay and read these - they're good for you.

ONE - This is literally ... so worth the time it takes to read. and it made me realize that I just have to be more present and active in my own life, that I have to perform, produce, create at the high level that I want to to be happy and I have to find a job and a balanced life that will help me facilitate JOY. I can have JOY. anyone can... I just have to get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.

TWO - I think is especially interesting because there is someone else out there who doesn't feel any need to become a caricature of the "gay lifestyle" to be legitimate within the community... and if people tell you that... they're wrong.  Be your original, wonderful self.

Additionally, since my break up I have re-activated my accounts on Adam4Adam, Grindr and Scruff only to realize what I had with Cotton raised my standards a LOT and when I look at these guys, unknowingly vulture-ing on the fresh wounds of a broken relationship, I think to myself... why am I here to be caught by one of them. They are nothing near as good as Cotton, and I could play with them and that would be fun, but I wouldn't want to date them for any length of time... and I don't want to be that guy. At least not yet. (the guy who says, yeah, you're cute but I have to put limitations on our relationship from the beginning because all I really care about is having sex with you... or more accurately getting myself off... and I'm not really interested in a long-term option (- - people who would agree to something like that would be insane and horribly damaged or so desperate to be with me that it would be... just bad... for everyone) , or worse yet, the guy who puts limitations on the relationship for himself but not for the other person - letting them go sailing off into the night all alone, expecting things that will never happen.) I'm thinking of deleting them all and just spending my life doing things that are... more fucking meaningful than sitting next to a digital device waiting for someone to come along and think I am worth their time. That should never be a question... and, at least in this moment, I feel worth way more than the idle chatter of lonely and handsy strangers who mostly have one thing in mind. (Sex...if you were wondering).

At any rate, it is bed time (and Christmas time) so I leave you with this, from a special prince - it's an original Christmas related composition that's kinda nice, maybe it will become a hit!! listen and love and ... stop worrying about me, if that's what you are doing. And if you are worried about me, let me know... :) it's nice to feel the warmth from your hearts even if it's via text, e or voice mail, or a call - - I'll be sure to keep you in the loop about me. and you do the same... reach out. I'm here and I need you, but I need an active you - not a worried or frightened you. Okay!?

Love to you all,
AA

Tell you about him, why sure?!

One of the major holes in this piece of work that has captured most of my life's traumatic and love-related events is my most recent 8-month relationship with a man who we can call... Cotton.

He is a Virginia farm boy turned smart guy getting his PhD. We met on a social media app... yes, the gay sort where people hook-up but also meet interesting people that they might like to take on a date.

We talked online quite a bit for the first part of last school year, he was exploring his world as a gay man and came out to almost everyone he knew while we were dating. Something that I admired and was a little jealous of... as I still am closeted to many people "back home" - hence all the pseudonyms, and other various baggage. But anyway, eventually we decided to have lunch at Canopy Roads, a little breakfast/lunch place in town that we both knew and liked.

Cotton was nervous, visibly, I thought he was checking the door to make sure that no one he knew saw us together. I had dressed well on purpose... I wanted to make a good impression. (A few months into the relationship he confessed he was nervous and the reason for his nervousness being that he thought I was very handsome). He barely ate, we talked a lot and had a great lunch that we both enjoyed and said we'd meet again.

We continued to talk, went to Masa right before winter break and that's when I invited him over to take a nap with me. Honestly, there wasn't a ton of napping that happened. But we didn't do anything super scandalous either.

I thought he was one of those guys... the one's most people are afraid of because dating them means the possible end of adventuring in the world of men... a real long-term keeper. And I was scared. We did a few things throughout the winter once school resumed but I tried to keep my distance... until I finally decided that I was lying to myself - I really did like him and want to be with him, I was letting fear make my decisions for me. (I life trend I am trying to break).

I took him to the beach with Hillz and Eesh, and the weekend was pretty fantastic.

In April, Cotton had a wedding to go to in Daytona and he invited me. I asked if there was anything that I should bring along... and misunderstanding the question he replied condoms and lube... The source of many jokes throughout the next few days. April 14 in the wee hours of the morning, I asked him to be mine and he said yes. I had waited all this time to have sex with him... because he was a keeper, as I said, I didn't want to mess it up by getting too physical too fast.... and now, it was on! He went to the wedding and I stayed at our awesome hotel that he had splurged to get for us. This just happened to be the same night that someone that I had once held quite dear died in a car accident near Cincinnati. Cotton returned from the wedding and we talked about all the days events that we had experienced separately. He was extremely supportive and kind through that night and through the whole grieving process of my friend.

Shortly after making it official he went to DC for the summer to work , we talked daily, and I never for a second could have been any happier. We both took several trips back and forth to see each other, and each time we saw each other was ... magic. I didn't ever want to be apart from him.

His birthday was coming up and I planned a surprise dinner and Champagne toast for him here in town on his visit closest to his actually birth date. We celebrated the month of his birth with lots of trips and gifts, etc. I gave him a ring that was a miniature of the ring I wore myself - something that connected us.

Finally the summer ended and he came home to Tallahassee and something had changed. As much as he didn't love his job in DC he would rather be doing that than being tied to school. With this change in his life came a change in our relationship - things were different and I didn't really understand why - for me, the thing that we shared between us was one of, if not the, best thing(s) I had going for me.

 We spent a long-weekend in Daytona again, but this time the mood was a little different. For some reason, though it was a trip just for us, there didn't seem to be a lot of interacting going on between the two of us. I brought it up toward the end of the trip and we said it was something that we'd try harder to work on.

For my birthday I took time off from work and we went to St. George, it was lovely, just being at the beach but again, something loomed over Cotton - something wasn't right.

In October, we had went to Puerto Rico and The Food and Wine Festival at Disney World. Puerto Rico was truly lovely and very enjoyable, we tried much harder to be engaged with each other this trip and I think it went well... some tenuous moments.. but overall good. Food and Wine, however was not as much of a success. We had gone down to meet friends with Momma, friends of hers who have become friends of mine, and in a bit of drunken conversation Cotton said something that hit closer to home than anything he'd ever said. The situation and the quotation doesn't bear repeating but in a moment of confusion he didn't realize what he said and what it would mean to me.

From October until December we've had ups and downs, more ups for me than downs. I came out (mostly) of the funk that I was in with work and school and life in general while he went deeper into his. We arrived at a point yesterday where he felt the need to be on his own, that he was no longer wholly devoted to our relationship and life together and - for now, at least - we are separated.

I hope that there will be more posts devoted to Cotton, other than the previous one "Il pleure.." - Something makes me feel that our journey together isn't over, but perhaps on hiatus. The one thing that tries to squash that hope is one thing that he said yesterday "we just aren't a perfect match" - I'm trying to figure out how to live life without totally closing the door of possibility for something more than friendship during what promises to be a tumultuous recovery period for me.

In the end of it all, it would seem that time will drag me forward and that we are on some designated path. I pray that I will be open to this path and wherever it leads, and in my heart I hope that it includes Cotton.  

One year later

Saved Draft from Sept 20, 2012.... 

Hello all,

It's been a year since last we spoke and OH so much has happened since then. But I feel that it all can be summarized into: Time went by and through the ups and downs I survived (not that I expected any less of myself). For juicer details read on....

So, God... September a year ago I was quite the mess. Emotionally, that is. But it would seem that I store that sort of sentiment here. I am a fairly morose writer when it comes to "me" - and I feel the winds of change and the confidence gained from experience have weathered me in all the best ways this past year - and maybe for that breaking-in that the years do to a body, I'm better for it and perhaps a little less... debilitated by my own circumstance.

It's odd to say that, because I had conjured this image of myself as this "Liberated Man" - but I wasn't. I'm still not, but I'm closer. Closer than I ever was up until this point. At any rate, returning to September of last year....

Work was hard in the sort of way that... breaks you in half emotionally. I was slowly, however not maliciously or purposefully, being crumbled like a dry brittle cookie. Returning to the emotional dust from which I had been wrought. Momma had turned "sweetie, darling" into "Mommy, dearest". The abuse no longer coming from the closeness of friendship, but rather from the hurt of losing a parent, the lack of self-awareness one has when poisonously afflicted by loss.

School, though only a dim light of inspiration on many days, had its moments of brilliance. My coursework has challenged me in a way that I never expected - it shattered the composed and decided image that I had of myself and left me, most of the time, with 10 fold more questions than answers. I feel changed - all in good ways - by this course of study I have followed. Daily I see the need for social change, I ask questions about why things are the way they are rather than accepting them on blind faith. - I feel... like an Adult, in a way. I've always felt that I was "old for my age" but I always had a childlike spirit... ( now I wonder if I was just out of touch with my own generation) at any rate, despite my assumed maturity I was very naive and through graduate school I found out just how naive I continue to be. Maturity bubble = Burst. I feel like I am on the same level as my peers now, which has been interesting to navigate...

So, school has been good for me, despite the fact that I have to pretend like I read a shit ton.... which I am trying to turn into ACTUALLY reading a shit ton - I'm trying to be a little more responsible. (adulthood, what?!)

I've made a lot of progress with my voice over the past year. I got to sing with the ensemble in the summer show at FSU which was a blast (got to work with Jewels, which was nice :) ). And, I've been going to the gym fairly consistently. Woohoo, pat on the back, yessiree I'll take it.

The unfortunate effect of work, school, voice lessons etc was that I was quite stressed most of this past year.

Il pleure dans mon coeur...

Well, after nearly 8 months it has ended. A relationship that at first was all that I wanted and needed and everything that I expected that, with time, familiarity went from comfortable to distant. The man that I was in love with fell out of love with me. - - I feel... lost. (Whether these quotes come from these authors or not, I don't know, but they capture how I feel - you can google them if you're interested.)

“If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights 

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”
― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body  

 No, he isn't dead - thank God, because that would be worse... but I feel empty, lost, out-of-place in my own life. I find myself reaching for something and someone that isn't there. I feel a great sense of loss, a need to hang onto him, to fight for him to be with him. My love for him has not faded or withered or gone anywhere but sits folded up in a heap on my chest like a giant imperceptible boulder that is resolute in its mission to crush me.  The love that had been spread all over him and his life and everything that was him, an easy, light film that covered all that he was has retracted into this monstrous thing trying to force its way back into my heart. But what's given can't be taken back and so it just sits there, crushing every bit of me. - - I guess, in some ways, it's easier to have a fiery, angry tantrum of a break-up that leaves you feeling resolute to do 'better' the next go-'round - - but that wasn't how it ended. It was quiet, tenuous, but sweet, as though he was protecting me from what damage might occur if we went any further down this road.

He said he wasn't "in it" anymore, that I didn't have all of his heart, but assured me that no one else had any piece of it. He said that he was unhappy in every feature of his life, that us being together had not caused him to experience anything bad, but that the relationship was not achieving what he wanted and that he felt that if he wasn't in it and had no passion for it that he was doing me and himself a disservice. He said that he could never stop caring about me but he needed to take care of himself for a while and that my role in his life is up to me... beyond the stipulation that we can't be together, for now. This lack of finality, though a hopeful signal that something could be different in the future, makes me feel all the more lost, unsure, and ready to fight for him. The thought of him being with someone else almost razes me right now, I don't know if I can let go... but I also don't know how I can be here in this place where I am. I don't know how to be okay with leaving the door ajar, just in case, without expectation.. without hoping that he'll come back.

I feel transparent, like I want to turn into a thin shadow and hide somewhere unnoticed. I want to let my mind drift and sleep for days on end.

The weather today is trying to outdo me in tears with all the rain and grey clouds - the cause of a few smiles, for me this morning and the reason for the title of this post, the name of a Paul Verlaine poem and a song of Debussy's that I sang on my senior recital. However, unlike Verlaine's poem, though there has been"no treason" I feel like he and I, or the speaker of the poem if you want to get technical, are in the same sort of space. In a relationship of distance, for me now over or at least put on hold..., where the lack of attentiveness from the partner creates a feeling of nervousness and a broken heart within the the partner that's "in too deep".

To the first man I ever thought I could call my husband, and spend the rest of my life with... I miss you every second and trudge on with a tear-streaked face toward somewhere yet undefined. All I want to do is crawl under the covers and have you hold onto me... because I feel like I'm slipping away... to some place I don't want to go... but you're not here because you can't be... the moment when I feel like I need you most of all.