And so it is...

So, the title... so emo, right. It has something to do with this song, which is a reflection of one of the many shards of feelings I have - I don't think I've ever felt quite so bi-polar.  I say shards because it literally feels like my whole emotional self has shattered into several major pieces between which there is a little connecting trail of broken mixed emotions. I imagine the shards as giant mirrored glass icicles and little mirrored almost imperceptible dust between them, just so we share the same image. And at alternating moments my heart jumps from shard to shard. It's really quite the roller coaster.

So, today I wore sexy... or maybe cute is the better word... underwear and said to myself - You are wearing cute underwear today, it's going to be great! and it was, mostly. I started off the day with a sort of melancholy mood, but it was mixed with hopefulness (I hope you don't mind, but I will take you through my mental playlist that captures these moods) - - So, let's go on this sonic-ly emotional journey, shall we?

I played this for myself this morning as a... If you wanted me, I could do anything you wanted, because I'm actually that awesome. (which we did in the a cappella group I was in in College... lots of ins...) - by this time not really remembering my awesome underwear. But I think it set the mood for the day, which ended up being mostly good though entirely unproductive. I talked to a guy all day online - this guy I met on a semi-shady site, but isn't everything semi-shady in the gay world. Anyway, we had a great conversation

Momma and I had a few good exchanges today where we both encapsulated things that we have learned from academia and our personal lives. Both cathartic and enlightening. :) I'll get to those life lessons later.

Then, I sang to myself in the bathroom, which I often do at work. A melody I got from Le Prince Rebel and something about it is so... yes. It's about a love triangle, unrequited love and a trap and something about it just said... this is what you need right now. I think it has something to do with me feeling something like this person... like the lady in Notes on a Scandal... so not in control of their own life, somehow smart and seeming to have all the right pieces to be totally successful but being devastatingly unable to figure things out. Lately I feel like I am just taking the advice of others without any analysis... like I am letting other people live my life for me. And that's not where I want to be... So... this is sort of an acknowledgement of that latent power I feel that I have and a desire to turn potential into kinetic energy. - - That all sounds really weird and kind of sad, but I just realize... I haven't been a whole person lately and I chose that and I am choosing now to no longer be a waif, a tragic character in my own life, tossed about by the whims and thoughts of others. So... ultimately uplifting?

And then, I returned to a song that... really... just does something to me. I don't know what it is or why, but this song has resonated with me at so many points in my life since I first heard it... and it continues to have a deeper meaning with each turn of the page in my life. (Which reminds me of this song, sung at my parents' wedding and I mused about how Cotton and I would never be married... and no one would sing this song for us.... and things have faded a little now, since that feeling rose up). Anyway, so back to Adamo's little women - so today, this was sort of my words to myself and to Cotton. That of course I love him but things end, things change and that's okay... and you don't know what you need sometimes but you have revelations and things change and its wonderful, magical. This may not be magical, this change of state between partnered and single, but through it we will learn and grow and be better for it.

Which somehow led me to this song, an arrangement of the Prayer of Saint Francis by Rene Clausen. I think that I was focusing on one of the lines... but now, don't remember which it was. And that's what happens when you have a thousand things in your head...

Which then led to the rapid succession of Some interesting songs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9, 10, 11, so on and so on. etc. etc.

So what does it all mean?

I think it means that I'm going to be okay. Not yet, but I am going to be. And that I need to work through some things... but at the end of it all, I'm gonna be me.I need to be me. The Real, unapologetic, pretty fucking awesome me. (sometimes I don't know who me is... but I need to figure that OUT. too much time of my life has been spent blindly following others... and it's now time to get right down to it and decide what I am made of and who the hell I am FOR MYSELF).

And it means that music out there about breakups (and other things) is powerful, full of emotions that resonate with me. the firey, terrible consuming shards of emotion that tear me apart or get me through the day.... And maybe, just maybe all the pain captured in these songs... though beautiful, and tempting, like a siren these songs are pulling me into the depths of the sea of my emotions... deep and terrible depths and maybe I need to seek something else to sooth my pain... or just be very careful about what I listen to. (I have been fixated on breakup song words lately and just think... with every one... THAT IS WHAT I FEEL... (Well, execept today... when I talked back to the radio when Maroon 5 was on and said... every day isn't worse... maybe it's not better but I'm not on some downward spiral... and then... I felt better :) I think I'm getting the hang of this... piece by piece).

So... no it's time for a little wisdom sharing circle time... so criss-cross apple sauce ya damn selves (which always made me think of Catholics (crossing themselves)) and tune your alien antennae to Ammurruhkuhn cuhz here we go.

1) I modify myself. My behavior, my lifestyle, my theology on an almost daily basis in order to appease whomever is most important to me at that moment or who I feel will be disapproving of my thoughts or feelings. This is not okay.

2) I do not give myself any God-damned credit ... (financial credit... I got, though...). This is not okay.

3) I am a giver, people pleaser, and all around maker of happiness - - and yet, receive little such action in return. Reciprocity and balance is important. This is not okay.

4)When you are in a relationship, it should make you better. Not worse. The relationship should make you feel like you are functioning or working toward functioning at your best and that you are challenged to be a better person by the thing you share with this person.

5) You should want to know your partner intimately, and want to understand what it is they do and what they are interested in... Ask to be shown how something works, be a part of the process, understand why they like it and why it is important to them

6) You should be able to say what your needs are and legitimately believe that they can and should be met. If they can't... and you REALLY need those things from them... impending doom. (Like the Mayan end o the world this friday... or, now, tomorrow).

7) When someone wants to walk away, let them. If you did everything you could in the relationship to make it work... then it's not your fault and running after them puts you in a position of powerlessness

8) a healthy relationship should not make you feel desperate - like you are clawing at it just to try to hang on. You should feel comfortable, there should be an abundance of trust,

9) the person you date should not make you feel like they do not want to spend time with you or that they are do not have time for or are not interested in your thoughts, feelings, emotions etc.

10) life is not easy, there are no hard and fast rules - but don't change yourself for any reason but to be the best you that you can be. If someone is asking you to compromise yourself, say no.

11) If there are parts of the relationship that make you uncomfortable... they will always be there, unless you talk about them, and even then they may not go away. Is it something you can deal with long-term?

12) Don't let anyone make you feel anything that you don't want to feel... especially that you aren't valuable. If the things they do and the words they say make you feel like you aren't important, it's not a good fit. Don't let them steal your voice from you.

13) A relationship should bring you Joy, at least some of the time, hopefully more than it brings you pain. If it brings you more pain than joy, it's out of balance and may not be right for you.

14) every experience in life is a learning experience. Take what you can from it and keep it moving. Dwelling on what might have been, or won't be anymore isn't helpful, those thoughts represent unmet expectations and will only make you sad.

15) Be intuitive and self-reflective. Be honest about what it is you need, both with yourself and your partner. If they cannot meet your needs, then the match may be a bad one, and getting out and being sad is better than staying in and sad - - because eventually the out of relationship sads stop whereas the in-relationship sads continue because they remain unaddressed by you or your partner.

Yay and read these - they're good for you.

ONE - This is literally ... so worth the time it takes to read. and it made me realize that I just have to be more present and active in my own life, that I have to perform, produce, create at the high level that I want to to be happy and I have to find a job and a balanced life that will help me facilitate JOY. I can have JOY. anyone can... I just have to get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.

TWO - I think is especially interesting because there is someone else out there who doesn't feel any need to become a caricature of the "gay lifestyle" to be legitimate within the community... and if people tell you that... they're wrong.  Be your original, wonderful self.

Additionally, since my break up I have re-activated my accounts on Adam4Adam, Grindr and Scruff only to realize what I had with Cotton raised my standards a LOT and when I look at these guys, unknowingly vulture-ing on the fresh wounds of a broken relationship, I think to myself... why am I here to be caught by one of them. They are nothing near as good as Cotton, and I could play with them and that would be fun, but I wouldn't want to date them for any length of time... and I don't want to be that guy. At least not yet. (the guy who says, yeah, you're cute but I have to put limitations on our relationship from the beginning because all I really care about is having sex with you... or more accurately getting myself off... and I'm not really interested in a long-term option (- - people who would agree to something like that would be insane and horribly damaged or so desperate to be with me that it would be... just bad... for everyone) , or worse yet, the guy who puts limitations on the relationship for himself but not for the other person - letting them go sailing off into the night all alone, expecting things that will never happen.) I'm thinking of deleting them all and just spending my life doing things that are... more fucking meaningful than sitting next to a digital device waiting for someone to come along and think I am worth their time. That should never be a question... and, at least in this moment, I feel worth way more than the idle chatter of lonely and handsy strangers who mostly have one thing in mind. (Sex...if you were wondering).

At any rate, it is bed time (and Christmas time) so I leave you with this, from a special prince - it's an original Christmas related composition that's kinda nice, maybe it will become a hit!! listen and love and ... stop worrying about me, if that's what you are doing. And if you are worried about me, let me know... :) it's nice to feel the warmth from your hearts even if it's via text, e or voice mail, or a call - - I'll be sure to keep you in the loop about me. and you do the same... reach out. I'm here and I need you, but I need an active you - not a worried or frightened you. Okay!?

Love to you all,
AA