Winter of Words

It seems that I am (or at least my words are) late to arrive at Spring.

It's hard to call July spring... but for my brain and my mental capacity to construct words worth saying I needed time. There's a bit of mud in my noggin from daily living and I've gotten myself bogged down in it for several months now. - - I didn't silence myself on purpose, but with that silence here, I have thoughtfully been saving little bits here and there. Thinking through things and arriving at conclusions.

One major inspiration for my writing, relationships (friends or otherwise), has also been a bit of a stagnant area of late.

I miss twin and her man terribly. Time with them was always easy and slow- something that this week I've really needed. (With Momma's dad passing a lot of things that were easy before at work became monumental tasks... This week has been heavy, for sure)

Death has been afoot. It took Momma's (my friend/coworker) father, my uncle's father, a cousin's dog in the July heat at the family reunion. Loss becomes more real with each death, and the possibility of losing those you love at any moment - this makes me feel unsettled, but in a somewhat positive way. It makes me want to reach out, always, to anyone I want to say nice things to, to have in my life, to love.

It makes me want to take risks; though I took a few before Death came to sit and stay a while.

I took my first road trip to DC and Beyond. It was hard to remember but I'll never forget it. I did get a little out of control, but c'est la vie, non? Test your limits.

I spent time with a gay couple in Orlando, friends of Momma's, and their son. It made me want to be a father more than ever. - - We talked about religion and gays, something that I have been really thinking about a lot lately, and somewhere in there I found a little more peace.

I have taken a few, rode with dad, just the two of us all the way up to Alabama. We talked about a lot of things and for the first time - while we weren't talking about anything that should have pressured him to say so - he admitted to and made an apology of sorts for being so absent in my (and my sister's) youth. Something about that was so gratifying, to know that he really DID want to be there for more, but school and wanting to have a better job to provide for our family kept him from being there all the time.

I'm also trying to mend fences, or write them off as irreparable:

Talked to Eesh, we made plans and eventually got together to watch a movie. I explained to her how I felt, that I had been abandoned for other people, that she no longer really wanted me in her life. There was an apology, but it wasn't really something I'd say was substantial. I think that we have come to a place where we are both comfortable. She has met other people, and so have I, and I think that our season together has ended. - - Sad it may be, but I feel like I did what I could to tell her I needed more from her, and she essentially said that she wasn't unhappy with where we are, and that I shouldn't expect her to give any more effort than she already is.

Also tried to rework a relationship I let go to pasture; tried to make nice with someone who screwed me over and later was a spurned lover. Needless to say, his big boy pants are all a facade like many other parts of his life. I still feel good that I tried to reach out to him.

Prince is next on the list... I have a letter to write.
Interestingly, he has a boyfriend now. Hopefully he doesn't think I am writing to him because of that... but when I saw the picture of the two of them, there was a small sting... interesting how even old wounds can still hurt.

Essentially, what I have decided is to put my hand out to those I love or value in my life, and pull them close. I never want to live with regret as a guest at my table. (Requiem for a dream made me feel that way too... live now, love now, help now. Tomorrow is too late. I saw it for the first time a few weeks ago)


All-in-all, I guess you can sum this post up to say I'm still growing. One of my goals for the summer was to talk to my Dad more, and I feel like a foundation has been laid. I feel like he wants to know me, now, the man - not the child I was.

Additionally I have decided to write at least weekly with tidbits of thought.

Tid bit of this week:

I blow on cold food sometimes... especially salad. I don't know why that it is inherent that I think all things are hot

Also my first reaction is try to turn down the radio volume knob in my car when I am on the phone when I want to decrease the noise of the air conditioner... instead of decreasing the fan speed.

- - -> make sure you know what "buttons" to push and when to push them or you may end up doing something superfluous or not getting the desired result because you are absentmindedly using the wrong tool to achieve your goal.

Thought I had this week when I anticipated complaints from one coworker: If you have time to complain about it, you have time to fix it.

On a lighter note, Harry Potter was great and it made me want to be in a move or do a show... something artistic ASAP.

Some crazy, fragmented thought posts to follow - -

Love to you all, my beautiful friends <3
AA