Helpful Hurt

Sometimes things you find out are helpful and hurtful simultaneously.

I just got off the phone with Beau.

I texted and called a few days ago, with no response. A little pang, but I was okay. I called him tonight and he didn't answer, I wasn't surprised.... until twenty minutes later he called back. I almost didn't answer, but I did, and the proceeding conversation felt very hollow. Empty of what I wanted. Along the way he told me he's been seeing someone, which I guess I already knew. Hearing it was a little hard - I want to say Thank God I didn't tell him how I'd been feeling, that I think about holding his hand sometimes and I really have never felt as comfortable or important in someone else's arms, but at the same time I really would like to tell him that. I've never been good at keeping my feelings to myself and often that alienates people.... just as much or more than bottling them up inside myself.

I wondered after we hung up why I am alone - it's partially because I need to be, partially because I want what I can't have, and partially because I spend too much of my time and energy on people that will never reciprocate what I give. All that being fun to think about, I wondered if I would continually be alone because I was dedicating my life to people who were happy without me in 'that' capacity.

Dinner alone then going out for a friend's birthday, then a movie. Sometimes thinkin's tough on a tender heart, but I also believe that this is a helpful reality and is yet another piece of myself I have discovered. Firstly, I need to stop thinking about dudes and get what's on my plate taken care of. Secondly, I need to buck up and realize that it's not all that bad being alone, and that friends help heal the little hurts you have. Finally, If you want something worthwhile you have to work for it, and any goal, with hard work can be achieved.

Sooo, I've just had the wind knocked out of me, but I think I'll be okay. Gonna go walk it off and see what shenanigans I can get into tonight!

Love to you all
-AA

Conversations over Christmas Ornaments.

As I made Christmas ornaments this afternoon I got a call from L'Bergique. We had a long conversation that covered many topics but what was most interesting to me was what we talked about last. Somehow we got on the subject of the classic Christmas image and what we each think about at Christmas. When I think of Christmas, I imagine the Christmas parade in my hometown with my parents and my sister, the familiar faced man dressed as Santa Claus, the funny little house he sat in next to the huge lighted tree on the courthouse lawn - - no snow, but cold temperatures. He mentioned that we as a culture seem to see Christmas as a holiday centered around snow and ice, cold weather, evergreen trees etc. but he posed the question, "how do people in the tropical regions associated with the U.S. see Christmas?" It's a little absurd for them to expect a sleigh and a man dressed in fur in 85 degree weather with no snow in sight. The idea that we, as a culture, long to be unified in what we think is an interesting one. Are images of snow and a sleigh applicable to Hawaiians and Puerto Ricans?

I think that you do not have to be surrounded by snow or believe in much about Christmas to appreciate the socially accepted images of Christmas time. However I found it interesting, this idea of social normalization - where we as a culture subscribe to an established idea given to us by previous generations and the tweaking of the media.

Conversely, I was also remembering a famous faculty member at FSU, Dr. Madsen. In his class he does an exercise and asks his students to imagine a generic object or idea. Then he asks a few people to describe their imagined idea. He says that if you ask a group to think of an object or idea there will be variance due to the nature that all people are different.

L'Bergique hinted at this but we didn't have the time to flesh it out, so I'll give it to you to mentally chew on:

With these thoughts in mind - the idea of social normalization and the actual lack of it -Could it be argued that there is no concrete idea of a family in America. Each person perceives it in a completely specific way based upon their own experience. Thus the conservative platform for solidifying the American family under the concrete umbrella of a man and a woman is only a psychological agenda to unify the accepted social norm to exclude all types of alternative families. (Single parents, households with grandparents or other family members, homosexual couples, etc.) Should we allow the government to pressure us into an idea of family that they ascribe to when regardless of how the law defines a family, there will always be a wide variance of images people associate with that word/feeling/idea

That was a wild ride, I know, and I didn't do it too much justice - - BUT it is an interesting bunch of thoughts to think on. (Also last night I mentioned to someone that it would be great if I had a mechanism that could trace my trains of thought so that I could figure out how I arrive at the places I do...) Happy thinking!

Love to you all

-AA

Say your Thankfuls

Every night when I was little my mom would read to my sister and I from the Bible. After that we used to say our "thankfuls" - things and people in our lives we were thankful for. I am endlessly thankful for each of you. I am thankful for your existence on this planet and that God put you in my life. Each of the people that I talk about in this blog have touched my life and I hope that I, in some small way, can repay them. May the lord bless you and keep you and bring you the greatest peace.

Love to you all
-AA

Twin text

As my posts are so oft, this is a collection of all things of consequence - the crux of my thoughts. I was struck recently when I read Twin's blog and really felt like we, in some respects, are truly twin spirits. This is a fragment I have been stuck to like a worry stone, passing it through my mental fingers, turning it over and over in my imagination's hands.

"...Pieces of her world would be empty soon as well. Great big pieces. For someone so seemingly full of life, sadness always seemed able to creep in and sit down with her..."

I saw her today, we were on the same page before we even talked. It isn't the holidays approaching or anything circumstantial that has brought us to where we are - it's a jumping off point. We are at the end point, and thus beginnings must be planned - time to make ends meet, in all possible senses of the cliche.

I feel strange inside - disturbed, but not in a check me into an institution sort of way. I am uncomfortable - ideas whizzing through my head, thoughts out of order, difficulty creating sense of the entropy in my mind. Pieces of my life, the identity I have created for myself, will soon be part of my past and no longer part of my present. With those absent pieces pulling away from me, the gaps are filling with a bit of melancholy. Don't be confused, I still find myself hopeful but at this stage realism is necessary and with realism comes a tiny bit of bitterness and melancholy.

I made a list on yellow construction paper of my thoughts for my future (a rather cheerful color that I picked because it was close at hand and I had no other paper in the house - perhaps it will be symbolic at some point). My plan, at the moment, is to find a job, save money, develop my ideas into possible plans and clear my head of all the junk I've let collect in it over these past few months. When the dust has settled, something will come together - I can feel it.

Another thing that I can feel is an itch, something I've felt since I was a child and I am following that intuitive thought most especially now.... more on that when the time is right - and no, I'm not going to audition for American Idol or try to get my start on Broadway (...yet). Positive thoughts and requests for guidance are much appreciated and welcomed :)

SO MUCH Love to you all, I feel blessed to have you in my life!!
AA

Stories.

So, there is a certain place I go to have my Business Meetings (aka BM) when I am at school. I went there today, in fact, and I saw another 'conscientious' man coming down the stairs from the mezzanine. I thought about it for a second as we talked and realized he must have just come for dropping of some Cosbys at the pool since he was coming from a place he had no real business being. I headed up the stairs to the silent and my senses proved someone had recently been there. (My olfactory sense has always been one of my stronger ones, that and touch.) Anyway, I was thinking about the last time I had been there and I remembered this little story I had forgotten to post since I've been a hermit for weeks. So, here's a little early-morning funny for you.

When I am at work I try to keep it close to the office, no one ever really goes to the second floor for 'business meetings' they use the WC and get the heck out. Well, on this particular day I got a fairly urgent call from Mr. Rumblie Tum Tumbley and made a bee line for the nearest restroom only to find it occupado by someone using the only truly functional stall... the other the door doesn't stay closed. As soon as I see feet below the edge of the blue enameled stall I turn on my heals and dash toward the mezzanine of the performance hall in the next building. I make it just in time. All goes well, the toilets haven't even been used that day - still cleaner in from the night before. Then as I am 'wrapping it up' I grab for some t.p. from the giant plastic monstrosity mounted above my head. The t.p. doesn't tear and I yank on it a little. The next piece is even less cooperative and just as I get it to tear off the front cover of the dispenser opens and whacks me square on the head. Needless to say I may have screamed, I didn't know what it was until it was too late and I had already yelped, then I laughed out loud. Who gets hit on the head in the middle of trying to be regular...? Me, I guess.

Another little, less funny story:

My jury for my recital was last week, I made mistakes, we all do. Of the 4 faculty present, 2 passed me and two did not. Thus there was a draw. One must receive a majority to pass any jury. After much talking, waiting, and adulting (i.e. not freaking out and dealing with life a step at a time) I was told that my best, and really only, option was to give the recital after a re-take of the jury exam the first week of Spring classes. I feel like I did a good job of being positive and doing my best to "look at the bight side" finding that there was nothing I could do but deal with the circumstances as they were and proceed with the utmost attention to the details of what people disliked and an unconquerable resolve to be at 100% the first week in January. I took a little break from the music, but am very much back on the horse. I'm sorry for any inconvenience it may have caused any of you. God had other plans, it appears.

The crux of it all, laugh through the shit, pick up the pieces and never let anything get in the way of you doing your business.

Keep smiling, Love to you all
AA

Monogamy, Monotony, Quality and Quantity

So, dearest friends, it has been a while since I posted and oh the news there is to tell. The name of the post is really where my head is at right now -my thoughts staked into the ground by these four words....

Monogamy - so, my life has not really been associated with this word lately. I have been a ho in most senses of the word, minus the getting paid part (Though, I have recently considered being a houseboy in recent weeks). I find that it is something that I talk about, muse over, and ultimately say 'bollocks' to at this moment. In recent months, I haven't kept track, but I have entertained more than a few men with my physical charms. These actions were not necessarily because I craved the attention, or needed it even (not saying it didn't feel nice at the time) but I am a 'people pleaser'. One of these fellows I was pleasing happened to be infected... not with anything of an incurable nature, but I did get it. My first STI/STD, and I got it because I was trolling for ass - wanted the attention of someone; got it... and more than I ever bargained for. I've been treated, I should be fine. I got a full battery of tests done, some of which will come back later.... but through all of this I have been afraid. Who have I unnecessarily trusted and chosen to please and was it worth it? I would dare say for the most part the number of people I've extended trust to has been great and the worth of their time and the experiences had were small. With that in mind, I am putting out into the world this idea: No Sex New Year. i.e. no sex in 2011 including but not limited to sex, fooling around, etc. Kissing shall be permitted on a case by case basis. I have found that I feel like what I do in the bed seems to cheapen me in other areas of my life and I wonder if making that a non-issue will give me even more mental space to give to myself and the people I care about. - - This is just an idea, and I like alliteration so less sex new year sounded .... less fun, and it's a harder idea to enforce.

Monotony: my life has been running on a bit of a loop in many different ways over the past year(s), (shockingly I have grown more than any other stage in my life) and I am thinking of breaking cycles. 1) I talk a lot about things I want, about myself, my needs, dreams, desires, experiences, wishes etc - - sometimes when I am listening to myself talk, I find it annoying. I wonder if people hear the "I" driven speech that sounds so selfish to my ears. 2) I procrastinate - one of the reasons I didn't "pass" or "fail" my jury was because I had procrastinated. I procrastinated because of fear of the unknown, available distractions, lack of interest in the material, and the predisposition to wait until the 11th hour to complete a task because traditionally that works. Procrastination needs to come to an end as does letting fear of knowing the magnitude of an issue stopping me from finding out what I am dealing with. There are several things that I have ignored for fear that they are too big or too ugly for me to handle - each has turned out to be more than manageable and if they had been addressed early would have been a non-issue. 3) the move toward mutual investment: I need to stop , and have in many cases, investing in those who are not mutually invested in me. There are other things but that leads quite well into -

Quality & Quantity: It would seem that there is and always has been a sort of co mingled definition of the two words. Bigger is better, More is better, Wider is better - all imply that intrinsic goodness is synonymous with size or quantity. More is not an indicator of quality, depth, necessity, or any term of value - it is just a larger amount. (what happened to everything in moderation? just like less sex new year, it's longer and is less fun to say). My hope is that in the coming months that I spend quality, invested, important time with those I love. That I reciprocate their investment in me. (I thought about, for the first time today, what it would feel like to be my mother and not feel reciprocation and or appreciation of the time, financial, and emotional investment made in her child - I feel like I don't reciprocate enough...) I also realize that it is easier for me to make a scheduled time to see about/visit with the people I care about. My life is over-regimented, and I easily let things run overtime and forget to call or make time for people who I really actually do want to see. The idea of practicing music and language also plays into this area of thought. They are things that I enjoy and am good at, but in order to be a professional there needs to be a balance of both quality and quantity of time spent.




My thoughts are breezing through my head like trains in Grand Central, I am feeling a reawakening of creativity and a resurgence of hope for the future. Many seeds to possibilities have been planted, and I am excited to see what they grow into. I have never felt more adult than I do right now. I am ready for what comes to me, I feel equipped to deal with it and make arrangements with a positive unconquerable attitude.

I hope you are staying warm, in your homes and hearts. Chins up! The world can only defeat you if you let it.

Much much MUCH love to you all,
AA

Homo for hire.

Something about that title sounds a little suspect... maybe a little slutty, but it is true dear reader, I am looking for a J.O.B. - and not of the gigolo variety, and I don't need to be anyone else's sassy gay friend. I am giving all my sass at work or in other appropriate situations.

The one that I really wanted fell through like whoa. Looking back on my life I feel like it, like many other things I wanted, I talked about far too much. That seems to happen to me, the more I talk about something that I really want the less possible it becomes. Is it just me? I have purposefully refrained from posting since last Wednesday when I realized that they wouldn't be calling me for a second interview because I was pretty depressed about it - which revealed something else about myself that I often do. I make plans on top of plans: meaning that I didn't have the job yet, but I was imagining what I would do if I had it.... counting my chickens before they hatched, if you will... I even looked at property in Tallahassee and found a house that I kind of love. I took a few pictures of the inside that I may post... we'll see. But, anyway, thanks to a couple people here at the office and L'Bergique ....and my Momma, I shook of the funk realizing that if I had gotten the job it might have cemented me in Tallahassee for who knows how long and though I am still interested in Higher Ed. Admin. I think that in the past few weeks I have made some more breakthroughs with the Voce and a career of singing or teaching singers seems more real than ever. Also, though this feeling may fade, I was not afraid of all of the possibilities that were put back onto the table when this job idea feel through. (I'm sort of thinking of going to Massage therapy or Bartending school, having a job that can be mobile and allows me to make money wherever I am or decide I'd like to be. i.e. NOT in Tally.)

Though I am still worried about my recital, I feel free. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything and it isn't scary. I have a blow-up mattress and a reliable ride, being a gypsy for a little while might be fun... maybe. (We'll see about that last part, I'm a nester and eventually would want a nest in which I could roost long term.) The feeling of exciting freedom is one that I haven't had in a while. I've been a little down trodden lately, negative and kind of... just over everything - living the zombie life, phoning it in, whatever you want to say. The numbness and the cloudy, asleep, depressed, managed and op/ suppressed feeling is gone. I have been consistently happy all week, well, minus yesterday morning - but everyone has funks, right?

I am going to focus my energy and effort on my recital and let that be my reward to myself. A great final note to end on with flare, panache, and artistry. I also FINALLY sent Beau his birthday gift and got it out of my house and off my mind. FedEx delivered it yesterday and he hasn't called or texted, which basically says to me: "you're set free" - - though I had one of the fastest and most intimate beautiful spark of a relationship with hi, I think that he just can't handle me - whether it be for geographical reasons, or... whatever - but I've decided to stop seeking him. (He is the only man I have ever held hands with in public... needless to say I think of that moment very fondly. tangent.) He will come to me if he wants to, and as of now, he is unable or doesn't want to make the time to acknowledge me. So... if someone doesn't have the time for you, why spend your time mentally reaming yourself over them!?( Maybe he's just not that into you...)

In other news, L'Bergique and I have gotten closer over the past few weeks and I feel like I can trust him - last night we had a weird conversation where he alluded to being more than friends.... and I'm not into him that way.... sooo anyway. Tangent.

Lessons of the day/week: A) Embrace freedom, though the possibilities are endless do not let them overwhelm you. B) Love yourself and find yourself beautiful regardless of the input (or lack there of) of others. C) and, of course, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch"

I am riding the high or happiness and I hope that happiness is inhabiting your life also! Looking forward to Lunch with Twin and Dinner with Jewels tomorrow. Concert of a friend tonight, and much music to work on!!!! C'est ma vie, et je l'aime.

Best, and Love to you all!!!
AA

(A little happy for Mon amie La Pêche)

Dreamy ditties

These songs share something that just feels.... right and "me" right now. Jekyll and Hyde , Granados, Pan's Labyrinth, Pippin's Song, Rufus, Schubert, Sondheim, Sleep, Spring Awakening.


The play list could go on forever. Good night loves of mine, sleep well - love to you all

AA

Weekend and Work out

I thought I would post this separately, just to make my ideas a little easier to wrangle into cohesive manageable bits.

Sunday was definitely a fun day! I carved Pumpkins with Twin and friends, and celebrated the wedding of two loverly people Twin and her man from the Muddy Mississip. After that I dropped my flaming eyed/Frankenstein pumpkin off at the house and had take out Chinese with Iota. We've been hanging out a lot lately and have hooked up a few times.... my hoe phase has slowed, but not yet ended.... he's a frat guy, masculine but still approachable, nice. Handsome face, but not yet 21 - (I'm a cradle-robbin' fool, I know) anyway we hung out and then I went to watch Nick and Norah' infinite playlist with someone that I'm kind of interested in, Law'd, because Lawdy he look good and he's smart, sweet and a bit of a bitch, but it works for him oh and mostly because he works for a lobbying firm. We've spent as much time together as possible over the past couple weeks when we are in the same place. There's an interesting past there too... I'll tell you one day. Slept in my own bed - I love my bed, by the way - It is a toss up between my bed and Frosted Flakes which I would marry right now if one could wed inanimate comforting objects.

Monday I tried to take care of some school business, had a giggly voice therapy session, canceled my rehearsal with my accompanist, had a meeting with MY PERSONAL TRAINER - who kicked my ass, and helped put up Halloween decorations for the final party at Rayn this Friday. Post party I went and hung out with Iota - got into bed early but ended up doing a lot more than sleeping. Whooops lol.

Today went to work early, and battled with a professor/adviser all day to get credit for a class I needed for graduation. I was eventually victorious after jumping through many hoops and getting very lucky that the new departmental coordinator likes me. Post hoop-jumping I got to see one of my favorite people, Vamp Champ!! I surprised him in his office and we had a nice little chat for about 20 mins. I need to get more of him in my life.

Unfortunately today did not pass without lemons. I figured out that two of my recital sets are pretty unfortunately similar. I might have to rework the program... again... a month before my recital jury. Please pray for my soul - it may be devoured by my voice teacher when I next talk to him. Yay! I ran into Eesh today, she walked away from me in mid conversation to talk to someone else.... rude? She's done that a few times lately and instead of letting it bother me, I just don't hang around to finish the thought that I had been expressing and go about my business - today, I chose to come home and make myself a few pb and j sandwiches, yum!

All in all the week has gotten off to what you might call a mediocre start, but I think that what I can do is make the set of songs work by adding some option instruments? We'll see. And that is the plan for now - Pandora was pumping positive tunes all day today, so some of that energy has stuck with me. I'm trying to keep a good outlook on the situation and just do the best I can with what I have been handed. The morals of the day are: 1) be nice to everyone you come into contact with, you never know when you might need them in your corner (and it's just the right thing to do) and 2) life is full of bumps in the road, but as life is a road not a parking lot, you have to keep going - better to do it with a smile than a frown.

Riding the top of the positive wave, but always in need of your thoughts, prayers and positive energy.

Love to you all,
AA

When the words wont wait

Well, I don't know how to start tonight, so I'll just begin. Today isn't really the focus of my post but it does have something to do with the way I am feeling, I think.

Basically the idea is that I am too uptight - I just feel like I let too many things bother me because I am so particular. For example, I love my room mates very much, however I do not love the things they do. I received a bottle of wine for my birthday, a bottle of wine that seems to be missing at the moment. No one asked and no one bothered to tell me it had been consumed, but never the less it is gone. I feel slightly tread upon and I don't really want to say "okay now, I'm going to put my name on everything I buy and you can't have any" but I think that maybe our house rules are a little too vague and err on the side of me buying things that other people end up using. I don't mind the use, just the lack of permission or information that it has been used. At least replace it...... and friends.... if you use something, and you are going to replace it, replace it with exactly what you used or better. Do not "borrow" a roll of Kleenex Cottonelle toilet paper from me and replace it with Scott Single-ply sandpaper bull-crap....

Anyway, there's a bit of a bee in my bonnet and I hate that I am upset about something so small but if I don't say something then I will just become passive aggressive.... sooooo, talking to them tomorrow.

Also, it bothers me that my mom forgets things that I tell her. Not run-of-the-mill "how's the weather" details, but the fact that I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that I have been talking to her about for weeks and she never gets the details right. (I have accepted that I expect a lot from those I love...) It makes me upset to be asked multiple times for the exact same information. I feel unimportant and marginal; an after thought.

I realize, in thinking about these things, that it will take someone very patient and very special to deal with me for the rest of my life. I just have high expectations because I give more than the average person to my acquaintances and even more to those I love and I need reciprocation. This sort of feeling has kind of gotten to me with Eesh, too. This weekend I ran into her at the Greek festival with a bunch of other people and though she says she misses me and wishes I was around more, she never invites me to do anything. Frankly, I haven't spent time with her alone since before my birthday. I feel marginalized, unimportant; an after thought.

I am worth more than that. I am worth more than empty words and half-ass effort. I am valuable and I do not believe that I should be in situations where I do not feel valued.

On that note - I had a lovely weekend with Twin and friends. She always makes me feel included, important and at ease. I think we just understand each other? It isn't that she showers me with attention, but she does however make me feel like a whole person. She makes me feel like her equal and I think that that is what I am looking for - friends, family, love interests that value me as much as they value themselves. (this whole trite sounding rant makes me think of Berstein's cycle "I hate music")

Anyway - dearest choir to which I am preaching, Love to you all,

AA

Big People in my little World

As a point of reference, here are the people that I talk about:

Aid - A wonderful lady who is working her pants off up north, full of insight, wit, kindness and just a fantastic person to share time with. Miss seeing her more often. She was given this name because she personally and professionally provides people with all sorts of support to help them make it through this journey called life.

Becks - Cool girl that I don't get to spend too much time with, room mate of MiniVann, always down to party beautiful person inside and out. Given her name because she's a party girl but she's way classier than bud, coors, or michelob.

Beau - The boy that got away and might have come back... we'll see. He's aloof, beautiful, a bit of a bitch and yet my knees buckle when I think about him. He speaks French fluently, plays the piano quite well, is tall and solidly built, he has lovely eyes (a weakness of mine) and... lives in Tampa. He got his name because it means, basically, boyfriend in French which is slightly hopeful and slightly ironic - since... he isn't mine.

Blue - a bit of an interesting history here, he has reportedly dated two of my exes. He is super sweet, and a little interested in me(?), but we make our relationship work quite well just being friends. He got his name for his amazing blue eyes and his propensity to feel emotions deeply.

Chem - an ex of an ex, who is smarter than most people you could meet, sweeter than most anyone you could meet and sexier than most anyone you could meet. He holds multiple degrees in chemistry and thus because I feel a little chemical reaction when I see him and his knowledge of the interaction of elements his name was easy to come up with.

Chrome Diva - An eclectic woman by all accounts, but one of the most fantastic people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and working for; a good friend, a good mentor, and a good person. She had her own motorcycle and often the headlights were on, a sassy lady for sure.

Double C - The crazy fun fabulous lady that always has me laughing and listening to live music, two c names that always must be said together created her pseudonym.

Eesh -A youngin' who might drive me crazy a lot of the time, but I still have a lot of love for her. Her name comes from her parents and the sound I often make when I am frustrated with her.

Gem (germ) - So named for his value as a person, and ironically coincidental that he's a Gemini. He's moved off to the mountains and out of my mind but for a while there in the beginning he had my full attention.

Hillz - Pal and Confidant she is, my womb-mate.

Iota - Frat man, with a handsome mug - little bit young (Turns 21 Nov 2010) but has his head on his shoulders. Named for his frat roots.

Jewels - A woman that I have grown to love and respect so much over the time I have known her. She has walked the road and lived to tell about it and she is the warmest person, a giver and protector. So named for her faith and her words of wisdom.

Law'd - He's quite the looker, this one. Charming and nice with a bit of an edge, he works for a lobbying firm and thus partially his name comes from his involvement in law making. It also comes from my love of recreating Ebonics in text "Lawd, he fine."

L'Bergique - enigmatic, kind, fierce and wonderful. Always himself regardless of the situation, never put on or fake - a true friend always. So named because though a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, nothing describes a rose better than it's own name.

MacGee - The violin is not his only talent, having taken the stage and making us laugh in our seats as well as in face to face conversations he makes the world a little easier to live in and make a way through. So named for his street cred with the Muzack and a play on his own name.

MinniVann - Party boy with whom I had a little fling, fun to be around, great and loyal friend in all situations. So named for his smaller stature and his vehicle as well as being referred to as the petite version of a certain local celebrity of sorts.

Mix - the man of the three M household, he's got his head on straight and his hands in a million projects from the sound booth to something other than sandwiches for dinner. A talented man in the amalgamation of sound, flavor, fluid, and labor he makes it easy to have a good time and crack a smile. So named for his knowledge of mixology in many fields.

M'Lin - The name kind of reminds me of Steel Magnolias and so does she... tough lady with a soft side, friend of the Three Ms and their gentleman friends, always nice to share a moment or two with her.

Momma - The place to go for food for stomach filling or food for thought. She is an amazing woman with scars to prove she's "been there" and the faith to lean on Him in the hard times. A protector and care taker, always an open heart and that's how she got her name - and eventually played the roll in Chicago.

Mr.N/Mississippi - The man from the Muddy Mississip' - the other side of my twin, Mr.N.

Nix - A friend from High school who I don't get to see often but we always seem to be walking the same path at the same time. I love her to death and think the world of her. Her name is a play on her real name.

Peach - My Georgia girl with a sassy side, a fantastic friend who kept me in check and never lets life get boring. Though we are farther apart geographically I definitely still think about how much I miss her all the time and what a wonderful Peach of a person she is.

PhotoOp - a man that should only be in pictures and coincidentally takes them for a living. An interest that has faded but may return, who knows.

Phur - a friend of the Three Ms, great guy who I need to spend a little more time with. So named for his little furry hobbit feet and his name.

Prince - a name he gave himself in his youth that kind of stuck, no relation to the pop artist, but he's been through a lot and put me through a lot. I still respect him but I have had quite a time defining our relationship post-breakup.

Rica - My Puerto Rican diva, she's a lovely lady with a bit of a wild side and a passion for the party. A pleasure to spend time with - so named for her heritage.

Twin - the lady that is always there for me when I need it most, a sister from another mister. Always there with a smile and a coffee and a quirky joke that hits just the right spot. A friendship forged out of a chance that blossomed into something that I'll never forget or be able to say in words. So named for our similarities in though - we often catch ourselves thinking the same thing or saying the same thing at the same time.

Vamp Champ - High school friend who in recent years has cemented himself in my life as a necessity. He always makes his ear available when I need advice or just a safe place to vent and his candid honest responses are always helpful. Kindhearted, and just an all-around good man. So named for his obsession with True Blood, Twilight and other vampire fare.

What News?

This week has been all awash with good things - with a few bleh things mixed in... to make the less good things feel better - the picture would be nothing without contrast, yeah?

So- let us review:

Came back to Tally Sunday night saw a friend's recital which was nice,

Monday was fairly unimpressive, though I had a better therapy session where I seem to have conveyed my message more accurately to my voice therapist. My rehearsal with my accompanist was a little iffy at best and I finished out the night by seeing the Social Network - which was interesting

Side note: I am not, nor have I ever been or hope to be, invested in facebook as a feature of my life nor do I view it as an extension of myself - it is a website that helps me keep in contact with people and play games when I have nothing else I want to do. I believe that this is the healthy way to view said website as it is only six years old and should not have the ability to debilitate a person or persons from normal function.

Tuesday: My lesson was bobo, work was alright, I got a letter with enclosed cd from Prince... odd we'll discuss the letter once I know what the hell it says... I don't remember his handwriting being this hard to read, and I got some new music in the mail direct from a composer in Texas!! Continuing the musical theme, I saw a concert in the newly remodeled Ruby Diamond Concert Hall - which was quite nice. Finally to finish the evening I went to someone's house to "sleep" - - I knew it was a booty call before I even opened the message, but I wanted my movies back, he wanted to see me - - win win? yes.

Wednesday: Therapy again was not a pain, I worked the International Programs fair, got to rub elbows with some important people while sharing my passion for studying abroad to about 15 or 20 students, saw a lot of purple people, got booed or mooed at for some reason (possibly because I was wearing purple), Went to Spanish Club and didn't totally forget everything I learned over the years (first time I've spoken Spanish since last spring) Had dinner with VampChamp - we had a fantastic conversation and just an all around good time. Post dinner I went to a Pride Student Union event at Aladdin's - - - and then had company, which didn't end in anything substantial but I didn't mind.

Thursday: My voice was tired from all the talking on Wednesday but I made it through work with a very special visit from ChromeDiva my recently retired boss. I had my first appointment with a personal trainer (I'm going to look hot by Peach's wedding... maybe - it's a goal at least), Saw three amazing houses that I will not be able to afford but that are close enough to being budget-able that I can taste them, and capped the day off with a little bit of speaking french and rehearsing with my accompanist. Voice = Done.

Friday: Canceled my lesson, ate lunch with a hottie older friend of mine - - who paid for lunch (whaaat does that mean?) I called the local music store that was supposed to call me back on Monday about some music that I ordered - a good friend that works there helped me and we discovered my music arrived TODAY!! went and picked it up - perused a shop or two in Market square. Came home and sat around a little and shot the breeze with L'Bergique - - After a sufficient respite from the world I went to the Greek Food Fest with the womb mates and had AMAZING food. After running into Eesh and most of the seniors in my program and feeling a little forgettable and blah I ran into one of my awesome friends who we'll call Jewels, made plans to hang at Mockingbird which was followed by Fin's and wrapped up the night pretty well.


All week I've made an effort to be around people that make me feel good about myself and what I am doing (though I did miss my Momma, Mix and MacGee time this week, as well as the absence of Twin but we'll be seeing each other this weekend). It really has been helpful and uplifting, and I even left out some of the best news, I got an INTERVIEW!!!! So, send me good vibes and prayers - I'll take whatever positive energy you've got to spare. Send it my way pleeeeease

Love to you all
AA

Patched pieces.

My Nana told me once that if I could see enough blue sky to make Dutchman's breeches then the storm would soon end.
Today I am mentally patching together pieces of figurative blue sky to see if this emotional storm will end (for some reason I want a fruit rollup...? - I guess it's feeling like a child that feels like he has no actual control over his world at the moment). However no amount of thumb sucking, or hiding behind my mothers knees will make this any better. The truth is, big world out there, I'm scared. I feel the necessity to be totally honest in this post that I have had stuck in my head like one of those all too terrible lumps in your throat - news that you don't want to tell but words that have to be aired out and unfolded - too big to stay inside anymore.

I have come to a point in my life were, for the first time, I am afraid and at a bit of a crippling loss for ideas of how to remedy this - however, there is a plan. I feel like there isn't a place where I belong anymore, like I've outgrown my job, school, degree even some friends and I keep trying to squeeze into them like clothes too tight for this more mature me. - - Over the summer I listened to a piece on NPR about how people in America feel great attachment to and put great importance in the position they hold. I've reached the ceiling of what I can do in the College of Music in this degree and in my job, I feel obsolete and irrelevant. With some friends I feel like I've become a goto in times of trouble, but I'm tired of being Mother Mary... alright!? I need reciprocity and yes that was a beetles/chicago reference.

I had an excellent conversation with L'Bergique this past week where, for the first time this semester I felt like I was completely safe, that there was someone on the same page as I was, someone who had walked the road and bore the scars and was willing to spend time with me until I let it all go. I was honest with him - I told him I was scared, felt alone, and empty. He sat on the phone with me while I cried, more from relief than from sadness. It felt... good. Basically the main point of his argument was that I was pursuing people that were empty vessels - emotionally empty, or just unwilling to invest in me the same way I invest in them. (Not applicable to any of you) - - This is an idea that I have been dealing with for a while and I guess that it has become more of a problem in my relationships with potential guys I'd date. I have too many on my plate, and each one actually takes some investment of energy to maintain the connection between the two of us. I realize I still have a problem with saying no to people, I have a problem not giving people what they want, an appetite to appease people when they have no desire or intention of fulfilling any of my needs. Since his birthday Beau has been out of reach, I called twice and texted a few times last week and once again I feel like I am entangled with someone who is much more willing to forget than remember me - granted, I still haven't sent his birthday present and now it's almost a month late... funds were tight and FedEx isn't cheep. I really just don't understand the lack of etiquette from someone who has multiple sets of china and silver and who prides himself on being so 'top-notch' - - - I'm going to send his gift this week and get it out of my house, the constant reminder of someone that I don't really speak to and doesn't seem to care about me is a bit irritating. - - - I also realize that the options on the table, in most all features of my life are overwhelming but manageable and that I can seek my friends and family for help when I need it... however I must realize when I need help which is probably far more often than I seek it.

I am, and always have been, a person that goes to the doctor when he is sick - not for a checkup or preventive maintenance and because of that I end up being sick for longer periods of time when I become ill. I think that same feeling applies here... that I don't realize where I am until I get there emotionally. I am not emotionally budgeted, I give until there's nothing left and I starve myself and even then can't think of anyone to reach out to because my friends all have their "own problems" and I either don't want to bother them or I have become so isolated within my cocoon of mental instability that I don't venture out of it - I literally cannot think of people to call. - - - To that end, I realize that band-aids are much better than corrective surgery and checking in with people all the way along, people that can 'speak into' my life, is as important as eating, sleeping, and exercising.

As I was constructing this post I reread a lot of my internet output to realize that the majority of it is quite negative and complain-y, which is not "who I am" but this has become the place where I express that. My writing in general is where I release toxic things to fester elsewhere and maybe remove it from my consciousness. I also saw from rereading that there have been a few moments of clarity recorded that are as helpful now as they were then.

Through my talk with L'Bergique, reading my previous posts, remembering my own strength, and (through a moment of mental clarity) realizing that there are a select few people who I can go to when my own cup is getting empty I think there are patches of blue sky enough to make more than pants. I also think that going to therapy might be a viable option to help me not be so much of a roller-coaster; the ride isn't and never has been fun. I'm not crazy by any means, so please don't run go tell that, I think that therapy might provide an unbiased opinion and a place to talk about things the way they appear logically in my head - also, I have a lot of problems with competing points of view... I suppress the thoughts and feeling that I have that I believe are "inappropriate" (not sexually, lol) but I just think that something about that isn't totally healthy.

Anyway, I wandered a bit but I think that's really all I wanted to say on the subject... More growing pains to come, but at least I know it gets better and at least I am given the gift of today to live and learn just a little bit more.

Love to you all,
AA

Out loud

I guess this doesn't really count as out loud - but - I have to say it somewhere that isn't thin air....

I feel... emptied.

All of my fragment are fighting and I can't get any part of myself to just be still.

I want to talk about everything at once - So I guess either I should blog more often or get some sort of way of organizing my thoughts before I sit down to write.

So... I haven't really written much this month - and that's okay, I wouldn't say much has happened. Other than my birthday - I turned 24 this year, an age which doesn't feel too terribly much older than I did at 22 or 23 but I would like to say that this year I have grown, or perhaps just realized that the figurative shoe no longer fit, so I went in search of a new pair. I think I've walked around most of this year on mental bare feet. I have been the most honest with myself, and I have grown to like myself for who and what I am and the possibilities of my life.

The birthday festivities were nice, got to see Twin, Eesh, and a few others on the weekend, Mix, MacGee on my birthday and then many people at the knock-down drag-out house party the Saturday after my birthday. I stayed in bed until 4 on Sunday afternoon.

This week has had its roller coaster moments. I've been singing well, made it to both my voice therapy appointments, went to a new place called Urban Thread on Monroe. And I am fairly happy with the way my office and bed room have turned out ( I got them all shined up for the party) - office and bathroom still need work and a lot of the house is lacking art, but I will work on that little by little. Interspersed within the highs were some pretty weird lows - Eesh has been a bit of a user lately, coming to me only when she needs things. I was talking to her the other day and she wasn't even paying attention to me, like she had something better to do... and maybe she did, but it hurt my feelings. I feel like I have been shooting a little toward the negative side lately - I keep letting myself get sucked in and it's something I am trying to get out of my system. My teacher probably hates me this week because I ditched half of my recital music because it sucked... that was a fun conversation.

All in all I think it goes back to my lack of stability and structure. I need to start building my structure and time with people who can help me recuperate from whatever has/is draining my energy. I'm still giving too much away "for free" to guys... time to reign it in, Gypsy Rose. I have spent far too much of my time in bed with boys lately and it hasn't really gotten me anything but a sinking feeling of superfluousness.

My life, I have come to realize, is very cyclical. I go through periods of time when I am full and happy to times when I feel like there's nothing left to scrape from the bottom of my emotional barrel. The lesson I seem to be trying to teach myself this week, coming to the place where I have gotten too old to flounce around like a fresh out of the closet fairy, is that a body doesn't make you less lonely. That is to say that having someone to "help you out" isn't really all that necessary and what is is someone who will be there for all the other parts of your life.

Beau has been on my mind a lot lately - I wonder if I am making him too much of an ideal character, if I like him because he's far away from me, or what the deal is.... what I do know, that in no way is speculation, is that he makes me feel loved, safe and attractive - and I am attracted to him. What I don't know is how, if ever, it will work. I also think I can bank on the fact that he likes me and would feel some sort of pang if I was seeing someone else. I called him for his birthday and had a male friend in the car with me - Beau did a little interrogating to make sure said friend was only a friend and made lite of the situation by saying that he was making sure he shouldn't feel jealous. That feels nice to think about. I'm still lonely, my cats are only so cuddly at night... I want someone special to hold and I feel like Beau has a lot of potential.

But anyway, I have to sing in the morning, Off to bed for me.

Love to you all,
AA

...of Cabbages and Kings

My brain is in a thousand different places right now - I'm trying to take a short moment that I have today to put a little something together for y'all out there in the world.

So - things that have been on my mind are: Crazies, Colors, Crowns, Cabbages and Kings. Most of these thoughts were planted by words of my twin and other friends amid the world of facebook and blogs.

I have so much to tell you all - soon... I'll try to get on it this afternoon after seminar - which, fingers crossed, shouldn't be long.


Love to you all

AA

I feel...

With my brain in a thousand places, lately the best way to describe how, or better what, I feel is 'a lot'. Nothing is more upsetting than feeling everything at once - I cannot construct any sort of simple sentence to say how it is that I feel.

I feel....
well, chaotic, indecisive,underpaid, out of balance, blessed, irrelevant, unsure, feeble, lazy, lucky, martyred, controlled, predictable, dependent, lonely, honest, desperate, indifferent, sold-out, sly, tired, gossipy, taxed...

The chaotic state of my life is really taking a bit of a toll on me. I'm trying to breathe it out, but it isn't working - I know that my situation isn't a bad one to be in, but this is my blog, my little inch of me space where I can feel an ounce of entitlement - so, if what I say bothers you - stop reading, I'm not asking for sympathy just understanding and advice.

I think the thing that I feel the most is loneliness, I don't want for friends. In fact I have some of the best people in the world in my corner, but I want to be able to touch someone when I roll over at night. I want someone to hold my hand when we walk down the street, someone to share desert with, to cook for, to love. I am ready to build a nest and settle into it with some other bird that I can call mine. I don't know what it is, maybe I too am equipped with a biological clock that is ticking away somewhere in my subconscious. - - - I want someone to share my life with, but I don't want some body, I want somebody....

Gah, don't get sucked into your own crazy.

Love to you all,
AA

Fragments of France

So, I thought I might tell the Cliff's notes version of my journey through France - maybe share a few things along the way about myself.

Firstly, I would like to say: Wow.

There has never been a place where I felt so effected, so at home, and so wished for a hand to hold and friends to share my adventures than Paris.

People compare cities of the world with one another, and I just haven't found Paris comparable to any other place I've been. It feels like an agglomeration of towns with no tall buildings and plenty of sky and green space. I saw, on the first day, why people fall in love with and move to Paris.

All of our outings were lovely, I had some of the best food I've ever tasted. My most favorite being either the lunch cruise down the Seine or the dinner at Bofinger. Both were elegant, delicious meals that I will never forget. Though breakfast every morning from the little patisserie outside our metro stop was fairly AMAZING... I got a tarte aux fraises every morning and it was HEAVEN.

And what story about France would be complete without a boy.... There was a guy on the trip I liked very much, but he was taken - though I ended up being his surrogate boyfriend for a month. Then I had a fling with a local french teacher, very cute guy. My greatest victory was finding the self confidence to talk to a stranger I found attractive. For the first time in my whole life, I went for it, and I flirted with a stranger... it didn't go especially well, but I did it and I am proud I did. (I also managed to wash away Gem and PhotoOp with the wine... très bien, non? -small victories)

Everything was as expensive as they tell you it is - but I did buy a few things to bring back, hopefully you'll get to see them :)

I definitely feel like I had my trial by fire, the first time traveling abroad, and alone. Getting delayed 4 hours on the way there, and having a horrible time getting back to the U.S. and spending the night at the airport. Everything that was negative melts away in comparison to the fantastically liberating and marvelous time I had while I was there.

If you ever have the chance to travel, take it. No matter where you go, if you are open minded, you will learn something.

Love to you all,
AA

Quitting the Chaos.

So, I feel like a cassette tape with all this ribbon of mind crinkled into some cloud above my head. I have so many thoughts that I've thunk intertwined together that I can't really sort them out right now. So, in light of that fact, I cut off the excess, throw it in my mind's back pocket to be sorted out when my brain doesn't seem like sloppily scrambled eggs.

The reason for the 'inquiet' is the lack of calm in my life right now. I had planned out my schedule for this semester far in advance and the plan fell apart when I returned from France and had a all-but-fulfilling conversation with my father.... Dad said that the 'rents would only be footin' the bill for the classes that I had to take - i.e. just one. Wrapping my brain around this idea has been a little less than easy, but I've finally gotten to a peaceful place where that's concerned. I've decided to throw all of my efforts into this one class and make it work the best I can while applying for a full-time job. (Momma, I'm sorry, I know you wanted me to work at your office and now.... turns out I could.... we can talk about the irony later.) I've found one that I really want, but the likelihood of getting it may be slim - that's kind of stressing me out, but I am trying my best to deal with the unknown and embrace it.

The real source of stress has been the job that I came back to at the University, it has become stressful and without any real reward - I worked 35 hours in the past 7 days, standing in an office, constantly working. My old boss retired, she was truly the best part of the whole job... and I asked my new boss for more hours or a raise, but instead of those things she hired someone who, though a nice person, is not in any way cut out for this job. I am the only one in my office of six people who consistently knows what they are doing 100% of the time. I continually am fixing the mistakes of my co-workers and I have to spend most of my time in my office hemmed in with my fake-but-oh-so-sticky-sweet-charming ex, which is infuriating (the one that cheated on me with our mutual friends and now pretends like I do not exist, who applied and got the job in my office the semester following our break-up knowing full-well I would still be working there but not even having the courtesy to think of me or my feelings at all. Can we all say ASS HOLE - there are very few people in my life that I can say that I do not like... but he shares the crown in that contest....).

In looking at the benefit/cost ratio I realize that I am paying the school rather than getting paid to work. And thus, being the slightly graceful human being that I am, I believe the time has come to leave the party with dignity rather than be forced to leave. The time for something new is upon me.

Instability has kind of been a theme for me lately - I have had a carousel of courtiers rotating through my life as of late. There is one that I think is worth going after, but he lives in south Florida.... 4-5 hours drive away.... and he "doesn't do" long-distance. So, in short, I've been a bit slutty - a hoe period, if you will - a different boy in my bed or on my couch every night. - - - I think that it's a means to distract myself, the conversation and company is nice, but something about it feels empty. I spent about 4 days with Beau down south, and every moment felt amazing, I can't get him out of my head - we gave little kisses but weren't physical and I was happy with that. I felt safe and comfortable - and something terribly hard to explain, but, I knew that he was more than just a body to sleep next to and keep me company. He is someone that interests me, engages me, challenges me - no one I've met is like him. These other boys can't compare - they are the empty, yet tasty, McDonald's french-fries to a four course fine meal. They lack the substance and the unique special qualities that this man has. He's not a dime a dozen dude - or dud might be more appropriate....

After all that, what I can say is that I'm scraping together all the elements that once where fairly well-knitted together - still growing, learning to be honest with others and myself - trying to keep the edges of my writing "round."

I guess the moral of the story is don't date anyone that could become your co-worker, live every day in honesty (with yourself and everything around you), and don't lose yourself when the world starts to shift around you.

Love to you all,
AA


(Name Game: the boy from SoFLA shall be called Beau because it is the French word for handsome, and that his is, and he speaks French..... and plays the piano.... and, of course, is fantastic human - in my eyes anyway)

Sight and Sound in the world of the blind, deaf, and dumb.

I've been thinking of all sorts of fragments - building a giant cache of patches to build a carefully crafted quilt of quotations.... this may not turn out to be anything amazing, this post of fragments, but it might give you a thought to think on for a while.

I found that in my recent silence from bogging that I found far too many things to talk about and I began to journal again. When I blog, my journaling/poetry writing suffers, and vice versa. But I found an even greater self-honesty than I did before - in that silent space, uncluttered with static and the refuse of a days thoughts. - I encourage you to spend time in silence of some sort, whether it is total silence or just leaving the telephone at home for a day - find the silence.

In that same vein, I found that opening ones eyes, truly looking at anything and being fully engaged in trying to understand it makes the world so much more delicious. Life isn't a movie, it will never be - nor should be, something that you watch. Open your eyes and see what is around you, marvel at its wonders.

aaaand all the other thoughts I think will have to wait, because I am SO very tired. I'll have more to say soon :)

Love to you all,
AA

Not a prolific poster.

For the past month, my little electronic voice has been silent. Honestly, there were so many thoughts I would have loved to record here, and I'm sure stories will be posted as memories are stirred up by daily life, but there just wasn't time. If I wasn't eating, sleeping, or at school, I was out in Paris trying to assimilate into la culture francaise.

Also, in thinking about my cyber-silence, I realize that it's a reflection of my life during the last month. There are times in your life when it is much more about what you take in than what you put out. Karma repaid me this past month, feeding me with creativity, understanding, knowledge, new friends, challenges... I grew in my silence, and all the things I learned will find their way here - I'm sure.

Love to you all, happy to be back :)

AA

"Weee, Paaay-reee!"

So, loves of my life, I am packing up the luggage, folding my life up, and getting ready to FLY! Once again, I am typing when I should be doing anything but scrawling my little bits of life across the internet. I will blog as much as possible while I am gone, but I will be devoting a lot of my time to "la vie parisienne" - I bought the web cam yesterday, so I am now skype-able. Life is rolling up nicely, seems like I am destined to be a part-time Parisian - perhaps more?? I must run off to get the ball rolling on some other things! Love to you all!!!

AA

late-night lamentations = lame!

I can't think. I really just want to cuddle up in someone's arms right now and sleep until I feel fresh when I wake up. I have that stupid knee-jerk reaction though - PhotoOp is in my head because I let him in my pants. - I do the thing that all people like me do, and I turn to the last person that made me feel special, wanted, safe, or... just was available and I reach out to them hoping that they'll respond with... something. I don't even know if I pine for him, or this ideal that he represents... and the fact that he is so aloof and seems to forget about writing back to me all the time is a little more than difficult for me.

I need to breathe, but I feel suffocated by my clingy, honest, sappy-romantic nature.

I do not have any feelings of self-loathing, just a feeling of exasperation for the lack of options in my personal life and the excess of options in my professional life. I feel like there is a dry expansive emptiness in my future - or to be graphic - I can buy into the bullshit and be a cum-rag for some guy for as long as he wants me to be around. Obviously, I am over both of those options - and yet, I also could settle - I could settle for some guy that, in one way or another, does not meet my needs and makes me feel just as empty and fake as the guy who wants me only for sex.

Frustration is passing, I know, and I have a great life with great people as my friends and I would never trade that for anything. - I seem to be unable to play the game that is necessary to make anything stick with any guy that I find physically attractive, and though I may be intellectually stimulated by someone, if they aren't physically attractive to me... then what am I supposed to do, fake it til I make it - think again friend.

Truly, I'm okay, I just - need more time to flesh out these ideas, I need to be more comfortable with the current ambiguity of my life - realizing that resolution will come when things fall into place, and I need to focus on today - i.e. the paper that I should have already written that is sitting incomplete in Microsoft word less than 10% done.

Closing thoughts for the early morning exorcism: Do not let your demons, literal or figurative, drive you to drink, drung or general distraction. Life is here and now, so live while you can. Take a deep breath, assess where you are and what you are doing at face value; if the current plan of attack isn't causing you to feel any better about what is happening in your life change your "strategery."

Sorry for the early morning crazy - I wish sometimes that I was translatable to other people, thought I feel like I try to be as transparent and honest as possible, I seem to meet more people who prefer dishonesty or general unavailabity to my relationship style. Even though I am a man, I do not often communicate like one. I'm shooting at the wrong targets. I know one day that there will be someone that I can have a reciorocal relationship with - and though I can be fairly comfortable with ambiguity, in this case, I really wish I knew when.

I love you all, and I hope that life isn't presenting you with such leach-like questions in your life. It seems, like I say all the time, that this year is a year of change. I am carbon being forced into a diamond - let's be real, sometimes it really sucks - but I'm making it, inch by inch, day by day. I've made the effort, and come miles this year, inching along and being proud of myself for the progress I've made. I hope that life is easy for each of you, and that you learn lessons the first time. Realize that you have someone to stand with you in the tough times, and someone to smile with when the season changes.

Love, love, LOVE to you all,
AA

A mans mantra,

I am not encircled by your imagination, or subject to your will.
I do not fit neatly in boxes you expect me to flawlessly fill.
I am perfect in my irregularities, my conscience and kind of my self and my domain.
What I do is exist beyond your horizons, beyond the bounds of your feeble brain.
I can give more than you could ever ask for, and make you forget the word take.
I am charming, expansive and strong and can excite more than one man's snake.
I exist beyond your borders outside your natural realm,
I make you wish for me, and want me at the helm.
I confound your senses and make you feel a certain tug in your pants,
you'll find beauty, grace, power, and taste in the rhythm of my dance.
I am a transient temptation that, for you, fades in the slightest breeze
but for someone someday I will fit each and every need.
It truly is your loss, dear, that you think too small
- but then again, perhaps my win, that I am free to call -
to call on men that see me for what I am; a lover alive with passion, patience and poise.
Here and there and everywhere to satisfy, and be satisfied not by Mr. Here and Now but the pick of the litter, the man who is kind, caring, masculine, beautiful and best of all employed.

-----

Just a little something I wrote for myself just now. I know it's goofy and suggestive, but lately I've felt invisible to some people that I find or found attractive - and today, I am going to say, it's not me. If you exist beyond the focus of someone's finite world, that doesn't make you any less beautiful, relevant and worthwhile. I am beautiful and I will be suitable for someone, someday. I rush myself so often into trying to figure things out, when it's okay to exist alone - to realize that you are the way you should be, here, now, today - a being in transition, yes; seeking to be better daily - but also, just beautifully human. I exist outside of the scope of what many men can see, perhaps I always will, but someday there will be someone who sees me for what I am, and expects me to be nothing more or less - and who finds me beautiful in the here and now. I can wait.

I hope you realize you are beautiful too, that you are my beautiful friends and I see you for who and what you are and I love and appreciate you for it. Don't fall for people who don't see what I see.

Love to you all,
AA.

mixed messages

It would seem that the world is full of mixed messages. Lately, I have been giving and receiving them - contributing to the white noise of the relationship world and become deaf because of the transmissions of others.

Since PhotoOp came home with me, I have reentered the needy - want to be with someone - don't want to be alone part of my relationship cycle. In reality, I know nothing about him other than he is beautiful and I find him attractive more so than I do most other people I've met in my life. Not to minimize that fact, but relationships built upon admiration of external beauty are doomed to fail because facades change, the weather and gray and crack in the sun, PhotoOp represents something I want. He is the emblem of an idea - the idea of a long term relationship, stability, and the ideal that we all seek in some way - someone to share our lives with.

I've been told by Momma that he's not much of a relationship guy, which is fine, but it makes him not really suitable for what I want - the messages between us have sort of decreased in frequency as of late, proving her point. The last one that I wrote him about 24hours ago will probably be the hardest to swallow; I think he'll probably take it to mean that I want him to be my boyfriend - which... hell, I wouldn't mind, but it was more just a putting of things out there:

It sounds like an excellent place to be. Stable and allowing you to have an artistic outlet.

As for John, he is not just a designer, but also a television host - though that seems like it would be a lot of fun I don't aspire to be nationally visible in that regard. If the opportunity arose, I wouldn't pass it up, but I realize that working in any business where - to at least some extent - you must cater to an audience, that you have to go 'where the money is.' That's one reason why opera is a little unattractive. I mean, I guess I could live out of a suitcase with relatively small attachment to any one place, but it isn't my ideal.

I want to have a home, a husband, and hopefully a kid - It's hard to be a jetset musician and have any sort of relationship or family with any sort of cohesion. I have discovered recently, more than ever, that I am built to be somebody's someone - also, I see so many of my teachers living alone in their old age because they put career before family, and I don't want to be alone when I'm 65 with nothing but cats to come home to. Anyway, I just want to have a "home base" where I spend most of my time, where my friends and my life are. I love to travel but I don't want to have to be gone 80% of the year to be able to pay rent or the mortgage on a property I never see and to never have the chance to build a relationship that will last. I would love to get a contract with an opera house, but those are hard to land and don't often last for more than a few years - or for multiple operas of a season.

I'd like to do something with design/Language/Vocal pedagogy (something...?) during the day as a means to have a dependable means of earning money and stabilizing myself geographically and then find means of expressing myself artistically in community settings - If opera doesn't work out...

Aaaaaanyway, It's a feature of my life I have been thinking about quite a bit and thus have plenty of possible material to write about it. I just want a long-term someone someday. I know I'll arrive at that stage in life when I am meant to, but I have this weird feeling that I might just as easily end up alone.

I hope that you can comfortable and successfully transition into more art sales of your own and not management of a gallery. Leslie said that your art had developed into something with a political voice, and if you are able to use your work to focus eyes on what you believe needs to be fixed, more power to you. Opera, well, from where I stand anyway, doesn't have the same flexibility. If I was a director or a designer, then yes, but as a vocalist I am not in charge of the direction of the art, I simply bring the life to it.

Sorry, this all seems very Debbie Downer. I've been feeling funky lately and have tried to blog away the blues but I can't seem to shake them. Guess it's just where I am supposed to be right now.

Wishing you the best sir; hope you are smiling.
- - - (AA)

I don't really care what he thinks, at this point, I just needed to put those words out there and say what I felt. I feel like that's a good step toward being able to unapologetically and unashamedly say what it is that I need and want for myself and my life. (I've always been an "apologizer")

Right now, the reality is that I am in transition, with no secure idea of where I'll end up or what I'll be doing a year from now. I have a lot of options to consider, and though I know I shouldn't wait to be "perfect" before I let someone in - I think that I need to not be so gung-ho about jumping into relationships with people who show a glimmer of possibility. I am a romantic man, I am made to love someone and I guess somewhere in me a clock ticks counting down the minutes of my life. I have simultaneously a feeling of urgency with a splash of no options (in partners) and this feeling that the world is different now and I don't need to be in such a hurry -i.e. the American way.

I must learn that boyfriends, like sexuality, are not like the cereal aisle at Walmart. I can't just go out and pick the one I want based on some published list of facts. ha, a high fiber low sugar boyfriend.... anyway, I realize now more than ever that I am young and the world is open to me. I don't have to do everything the way the rest of the world does and there is no one whose expectations and desires for my life that I need to value more than my own.

Growing daily and trying to make each day better for myself and the rest of the world - love to you all,
AA

Connected or Confused?

So, my dear ones, I have been the busiest of bees lately. My life wouldn't be any good if it was slow though, so I'm not complainin'.

Went to the TALC gala with the crew and some new people, some of whom you will hear of later... maybe multiple times, this I say with fingers crossed and knocking on wood. I spent the better part of the beginning of this month partying, I'm pretty sure my brain and my liver are a little the worse for ware. I told a boy via text I wanted to kiss him = fail; and he didn't respond and hasn't since = epic fail. However, this has been the only real stumble in the department of gentlemen.

The TALC gala and the people entailed outlining my most recent "successes." I have spent a lot of time with Momma recently, which has been nice - I don't get to see her all that much during the year, and I have been added to the gay circle of Momma's friend M'Lin. Eesh is in the summer class I am taking, and I got to go out with Twin the other day - so all my ladies are around. Hoping to visit Peach and Aid before the end of next month, depending on available funds! But anyway, you asked for juice, and for once, I have something juicy to tell... mostly anyway.

So, I meet two of Momma's other friends, people who have moved out of the Tallahassee phase of their lives and gone on to professions etc: Chem: a very tall, smart, cute and fantastic man; Phur: Very nice, cute, considerate and wonderful man; and PhotoOp: he. is. gorgeous. when I saw him, I thought WOW, how can all that pretty be in one man? but that is just the tip of the iceberg - he is smart, sweet, and .... I wish he didn't live so far away.

So, I got to spend time with these lovely people,( Momma, Mix, MacGee, M'Lin, and the Men) over the week leading to the gala, all great lovely people who have know each other for years and then... me. I fit in pretty well when we had dinner together though, I get extra-friendly feedback from PhotoOp, which made me feel nice, but I didn't suspect anything.

We went out later that week after they had a rehearsal for the gala and I for Chicago; Chem, Momma and I where the only ones who ended up going; we had a great time - a boy tried to tell them how much he was in love with me while I was at the bar... awkward.... but the new look went over well. People asked if I was working out or had lost weight.... no, friends, haircut and a beard. But anyway, we escaped loverboy and made it home where we talked until 4 am or so. Chem had been flirting with me a little during the night, but subtly, and so I took it to mean nothing. I slept at Momma's because it isn't super close to my house and I didn't want to drive home. Shortly after we'd gone to bed, Chem sent me a facebook message asking me to join him: since I have a bobo phone, I didn't get it until the next day... but wooo, win!!! I felt good about myself that I had caught the eye of someone so cute and smart.

Anyway, Momma tells me the next day PhotoOp was upset he missed out on the clubbing experience, because he wanted to spend time with ME!! DOUBLE WIN in the saaaame day. So we go to the gala and I make it a point to talk to PhotoOp, Chem is otherwise occupied and is not Chilean with beautiful hazel eyes. He stays pretty aloof which is fine and we go through the night fairly platonically. I run into an ex, Prince... and exes of his... awesome. Finally the video-watching and performances end and it's PARTY TIME!!!!

We headed to Mix and MacGee's and have a great time with the cast of characters and then PhotoOp asks me to take him home, so his ride can turn in early.... DUH, I said yes. blah blah blah, fast forward, take him home after about an hour of just the two of us talking and he gets ready to get out of the car, then mumbles something like, "I just have to...." leans in and kisses me. I was surprised but quickly more interested in the reality, this beautiful man kissing me. This persisted for some time.... then he said he should go inside, somehow it came up that I had a place in town too where he could stay, he waffled but eventually came home with me. And the rest... is available on a need to know basis ;)

He's gone now and we have had a few messages pass between us, but I am pretty sure that will all dissolve in a week or so. I really want to know more about him though.... and by know more, I mean, I almost itch to see him..... but simultaneously, my head says you barely know him. I'm trying to strike a reasonable balance between the two: my head and heart - I'll keep you posted. But for now, I am trying to keep it light and easy, and talk to him for as long as he'll talk to me. I have no desire to be taxing or to be taxed; this summer diversion might be just that, or may develop into friendship or... something else. I will be happy with whichever of the options occur.

--------

Turning the page:

I LEAVE FOR PARIS SOOOOO SOON! I am exceptionally excited. That's all I can really say about it. I am going to start reviewing grammar etc for the tests we take when we get there, but more than that, I am just basking in the glow of excitement and expectation.

I also have had a great deal of God smiling on me lately, providing for me in inconceivable ways and letting me know He is there. Comforting to know that I'm being watched over and provided for.

Additionally, thank God for each of you. Bless you and may God keep and protect you in times of prosperity and famine. I feel so lucky to have each of you in my life. Love to you all,
-AA

P.s. soon, there will be a post about who's who in my blog and why they are named as they are.

Muffled Mental Mumblings

So, life is upon us - and as always - my ability to turn the simple into complex and vice versa, is crippling my curmudgeonly brain.

I settled on the Voodoo, Race and Revolution in Haiti class, it includes a LOT of reading, but so far it is interesting.

I am struggling with the decision of where to live next year: through many pros and cons, I really love my place despite its faults. (i.e. lack of Dishwasher, Washer and Dryer, insulation...). My thought is, I love my place, and I could stay here and continue to pay higher rent prices, or I could move and have to drive to school next year and either pay for a place to park, or brave the lots daily. Really this decision hinges on a few others that are giving me mental heartburn: (1) ho many hours should I take in the fall (2) should I get a "real" job (3) should I be saving money for grad school/moving, etc. - - (In a side note, I am down to paying off one, ONE credit card!!!! I will be able to pay it off over the next two months and then, I shall be debt free. Praise Jesus. I was very proud of that fact.)

Chicago is going alright, it will be good, I think. I don't know if I really want my family to come... supposedly we are supposed to be kind of naked a lot of the production. Score. Anorexia, here I come.

On yet another Debbie Downer Note, I wrote this... whatever it is in response to two people:

I am a crushed and crinkled bit of paper in the trashcan of your mind, in the dusty edges of awareness, where stained shirts hang on the line. I am here, a fragment, of what you once had; an idea in the darkness, a persistent pest carefully jarred. I want you to remember me and call me sometime. It seems that in all your races to do the best for everyone else, that you are distracting, diverting, detracting from yourself. Perhaps you lack the words, or better yet the balls, to return a call, type a word - - you fear the guilt it could cause. You've wrapped yourself in white feather pillows and tied them on with rope, in the hope that I'm forgettable, that the flame will extinguish quietly without a trace of smoke. Or perhaps it's that your horrible indifference is responsible for m wounds, I suppose there will be a "sorry" somewhere for that one, too... I am not transparent, nor invisible to the eye, so then the question I ask you is: why? Why do you not answer; why do I not make you blink; why am I forgettable, ignorable, regrettable, or whatever the hell you think!? Your tight lipped ways infuriate me, they singe every part of me, I am the scorched earth of Georgia after Sherman's March to the Sea. Truly it's self-inflicted, there's something in this pain, something that I return to here that makes some sense; insane. I need for you to talk to me, and not pretend it's all alright. It isn't and it hasn't been since you plastered that laissez faire grin on your stupid beautiful face. My broken rhymes rhythmicize what I feel is true, and the conclusion I have for both of us, is that there is talking to do.

----

So, that was to Gem and another ex who seem to think if they ignore me, I don't exist. There are few times when I get angry, but when I feel marginalized and ignored is one of my 'buttons,' so that being said, I have decided to talk to them. On a broader scale, I find two kernels of wisdom that can be gleaned here too: (1) Entitlement of Self : I should communicate when I feel a certain way, and be unapologetic for my feelings; This is an issue I struggle with, and I am working through it. (2)Entitlement of Others : Recently, I have played the same card of, ignore them and they'll go away. Unfortunately, people, unlike the T-Rex do not go away if you stand still long enough. I may have injured people with by ignoring them. Granted, the alternatives are uncomfortable, but truth to others and ones self is much more preferable than any substitute. So, time to hike up the newly acquired big boy breeches and get down and dirty.

End Sad things; On to the happy.

My mom called me this week, she got the results back from the test and she has nothing to worry about. (Thank You, God! You had me scared there for a second). I really love my mom and couldn't live without her. Human frailty sucks, I'm over it! Thank you to everyone that sent out prayers and energies. It helped, if not the outcome of the test, my peace of mind knowing that people in the world care.

I am in an amorphous place, which seems to happen to me a lot. I am kind of lonely, but I don't ache for company - which is a good thing. I feel that I am still maturing and readying myself for the person that I will share my life with, but at the moment I've been a bit dreamy for a someone of my own. I'm still getting a lot of online attention from guys, which is nice, but mostly in the "let's f*%k" side of things. No crazy long term options, but I am not 95 yet , so I have some time. I had a nice lunch date the other day with a perfectly sweet guy, and I think it would be nice to see him again. I think he'll turn into a friend though, his intelligence is very nice, we see the world from similar perspectives but I don't find him that attractive. Recently I have been noticing feminine beauty, more so than normal. Maybe it's the beard? (ba-doom *chick*) But seriously, I kind of fancy myself as a free lover. Not tied to dudes or chicks and having never had a meaningful relationship with a girl I wonder what it would be like. Ruminate on that and I'll get back to you. This post has already gotten to be three times as long as I wanted. Suffice it to say, I am happy and healthy and okay where I am. Growing successfully and just... alive; all good things.

Love to you all :)
AA

the Question of Class.

Before we "get into it" I just wanted to say what a lovely dinner I had with Twin and how nice it was to visit Peach. I love you both and would do anything for each of you. - I got my hair cut - TWICE this week. The first round wasn't quite right, so I went back and I am happy with the results. Pictures will come soon, but my Fb pic is pretty close to what I look like now.
Mom had the cell taking portion of the doctor visit today, she'll get the results in a week, prayers and thoughts are still requested on that front

and now... to the business:





Oh, musicals, how you express things so well. Listen, learn and Love. Class.


So I'm in rehearsal for QMT's Chicago and I heard this song a few weeks ago for the first time and it has stuck with me. The classless pointing out the world's lack of class. - - We all have our flaws, and maybe I should look at the plank in my eye before the speck in my brother's but, I just have found the world indelicate lately; unable to express in words or actions thoughts that require finesse and care. Eesh has been on my nerves lately, she's been on her period and I'm her friend, so she talks about it with me... not my favorite topic, but a friend can't always choose the topic of conversation. We have been spending a lot of time together this week... which have helped me see the specks.

Cinco de Mayo was day three of together time for our recently assembled band of music kids. Eesh has been clinging to me all week, expecting me to make the arrangement and the plans for what WE will do and expecting that wherever I go she is invited... not something I love, but I dealt with it. We all partied pretty hard, I had a great dinner with Mix and MacGee then drinks with Double-C, Eesh, Rica among others. The night ended with Double-C drunk in bed, and the rest of us skinny dipping in a friend's pool .... a cop showed up and we were ushered inside, where I passed out and they smoked out. I woke up this morning feeling just fine, Eesh, who apparently has become my responsibility needed a ride home, so I took her home - along the way she implied she wanted breakfast... and I wanted to go home - I went back to my place and slept most of the day, hence why I am awake now. She said she wanted to eat together at 5, which was fine, I had to eat before rehearsal anyway. Eesh texts me as I am about to leave to get her and says that 5:30 is better.... (I have rehearsal at 7) I figure this won't be a huge deal and say it's fine. We don't make it to the restaurant until 6:10, Villiage Inn on Apalachee, about as far as you can be from her house - keeping in mind I have to take her back before I can go to rehearsal. We amazingly finish and leave by 6:40, hitting every red light on the way to her house, all the while she is blabbering about things that I do not want to hear and I am becoming more hostile and silent. I talk myself down mid-drive after she describes having to make herself vomit this morning.... and I finally return to being close to myself as she exits the car.

We hung out after practice too, and she was equally as interested in me and my needs/feelings/thoughts.... She left her melty drink in my car through the movie we went to see leaving a mess and the cup behind when she got out of my car after a conversation about a recent commercial that I found indecent and she thought I was stupid for believing such things.... - - On looking at it again, maybe I was too quick to judge the commercial, but my opinion regardless of what it was should have been respected as a valid point of view.

"As always I am an anachronism, an alchemist in the time of anonymous anarchy. The always overly analytical agent of my age, I amount to an enigma to friend, foe and sage."

Suffice it to say, I think this weekend at home will be a much needed break from other people. I realize that she is lonely and needs to talk and that we are good friends. I just find that I feel smothered and judged by her sometimes, there are a lot of things that she does that make me crazy and a lot of them happened simultaneously in the past few days, creating a perfect storm of annoyance. I love her, but I just need a few days without her.

The crux of this post really is the question of class and niceties that seem to not exist anymore.... each generation notes what the world lacks and how it changes, so I guess I am turning into an old man, watch out AARP, here I come. I just find the world much less interested in the Southern style of quiet, gentille expression common in my younger years. There is something very elegant and intelligent about the cloaked speech of the South. There are things that you just don't say, or if you do have to talk about them, you broach the subject with the utmost care to not offend or bother your company. Few people care if they bother you anymore... they are more concerned with crass expression of ideas, which I find rather annoying. Take the time to be beautiful in everything you do, especially the way you relate to the world.

I also took a bit of a transfer from our, mine and Eesh's, conversation tonight. Perception of one's self is often skewed. Eesh believes herself to be an open-minded, non-judgmental, grown up young lady. At most times she is one or all of those things, but in this conversation she was none of them. I realized that she has a lot of growing to do - and as I drove away from her house, I realized that this year has been about nothing but growth for me. I am being refined and groomed every day by the expectations, experiences, and pressures of this world. Each of us grows at our own pace and I should not allow her to upset me without saying something, but I also should realize that she and I are in far different places and each of us has strengths the other doesn't.

We all have growing to do and class to cultivate. I challenge each of you to be beautiful in everything that you do and say, realizing that your words and deeds are the trademark of your character. Relish in your own beauty and encourage it!

Love to you all,
AA

Fishbowl of thought

My brain is all a-buzz with thoughts of this and that; a smorgasbord of snippets and smatterings. Fragments of French, a sundry of Spanish, a mixed bag of music from Mussorgsky to Muse with random lyric lines of Gulag Orkestar and Granados, with Gnarls and Nordic Nationals intermittently appearing.

Recently I have simultaneously felt empowered and simultaneously stark naked and inexorably vulnerable.

Mom has an appointment to collect cells soon, and so, we'll know in a few weeks what is happening on that front - the idea that she could have cancer is one of the sources of my implacable vulnerable feelings. My brain is intensely congested with the thousands of trains that are flying around in my fishbowl of consciousness. I could type for hours and still not exhaust all that there is to talk about in my mental microcosm.

Though my brain is clouded and upside down, the day has not been awful by any means. I got up early for an exam and have been a decently happy camper all day. I have the strangest craving for mashed potatoes right now, comfort food, I guess? God is watching out for me though, I found out I don't have rehearsal tonight, which is fantastic! I'll have plenty of time to sleep, write my paper and study for my exam tonight. I really need a good night's sleep, these past few nights have been filled with many a late hour and little actual rest. I'm going to ATL this weekend to see Peach, I miss here and I am so glad that I can go :) and forget about this semester after my last final tomorrow afternoon.

On Tuesday I had a lovely lunch date with a boy, there are possibilities there.

One of the quotes on his online profile reads:

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

I very much like this quote, yet another scrap of someone else to fly around and collide with the other things in my head - making melancholy and art. I however am not extremely melancholic, just pensive, as always. I have begun to make lists for the summer and have decided it shall be call the summer of language, art and music. I have been drawing, well... doodling, a lot lately which feels nice. I want to read a few books this summer and focus on music for my recital and maintaining my French and Spanish competency. OH, and I have decided to paint the living room... and maybe get a new couch, if funds are available.

As I left my exam this morning I walked out of the building behind a recent acquaintance who was on a morning run. I walked behind him without interrupting his concentration and as he ran off toward the center of campus he handed me a mental torch, whether consciously or not, I realized that there are so many things about myself that I am proud of; pieces of me that make me feel good about myself and what I have become over this journey of college. I am proud of where I stand, but I am also willing to admit that there are plenty of places to get better. I am ready to get better without discounting the ground that I have already gained.

I hope you are happy with yourselves today and are giving yourselves sufficient credit where you deserve it. Never let anything or anyone, INCLUDING yourself, let you feel like the things you have accomplished are not worthwhile.

Love and Praise to you all,
AA