Well, I don't know how to start tonight, so I'll just begin. Today isn't really the focus of my post but it does have something to do with the way I am feeling, I think.
Basically the idea is that I am too uptight - I just feel like I let too many things bother me because I am so particular. For example, I love my room mates very much, however I do not love the things they do. I received a bottle of wine for my birthday, a bottle of wine that seems to be missing at the moment. No one asked and no one bothered to tell me it had been consumed, but never the less it is gone. I feel slightly tread upon and I don't really want to say "okay now, I'm going to put my name on everything I buy and you can't have any" but I think that maybe our house rules are a little too vague and err on the side of me buying things that other people end up using. I don't mind the use, just the lack of permission or information that it has been used. At least replace it...... and friends.... if you use something, and you are going to replace it, replace it with exactly what you used or better. Do not "borrow" a roll of Kleenex Cottonelle toilet paper from me and replace it with Scott Single-ply sandpaper bull-crap....
Anyway, there's a bit of a bee in my bonnet and I hate that I am upset about something so small but if I don't say something then I will just become passive aggressive.... sooooo, talking to them tomorrow.
Also, it bothers me that my mom forgets things that I tell her. Not run-of-the-mill "how's the weather" details, but the fact that I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that I have been talking to her about for weeks and she never gets the details right. (I have accepted that I expect a lot from those I love...) It makes me upset to be asked multiple times for the exact same information. I feel unimportant and marginal; an after thought.
I realize, in thinking about these things, that it will take someone very patient and very special to deal with me for the rest of my life. I just have high expectations because I give more than the average person to my acquaintances and even more to those I love and I need reciprocation. This sort of feeling has kind of gotten to me with Eesh, too. This weekend I ran into her at the Greek festival with a bunch of other people and though she says she misses me and wishes I was around more, she never invites me to do anything. Frankly, I haven't spent time with her alone since before my birthday. I feel marginalized, unimportant; an after thought.
I am worth more than that. I am worth more than empty words and half-ass effort. I am valuable and I do not believe that I should be in situations where I do not feel valued.
On that note - I had a lovely weekend with Twin and friends. She always makes me feel included, important and at ease. I think we just understand each other? It isn't that she showers me with attention, but she does however make me feel like a whole person. She makes me feel like her equal and I think that that is what I am looking for - friends, family, love interests that value me as much as they value themselves. (this whole trite sounding rant makes me think of Berstein's cycle "I hate music")
Anyway - dearest choir to which I am preaching, Love to you all,
AA
Recipe :: Castelvetrano Olive & Celery Salad
3 years ago
1 comment:
you deserve respect, friend. don't let anyone walk all over you and if i have to put a HELLO my name is: _______'s wine on every bottle i give you then you know i will. you have the right to ask your roommates not to take things that aren't theirs. i understand the mom thing too, it's hard to accept the limitations of those we love the way we love our mothers. i'm sending you my most positive energies and once again reminding you that you are remarkable and very very worthy.
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