Helpful Hurt

Sometimes things you find out are helpful and hurtful simultaneously.

I just got off the phone with Beau.

I texted and called a few days ago, with no response. A little pang, but I was okay. I called him tonight and he didn't answer, I wasn't surprised.... until twenty minutes later he called back. I almost didn't answer, but I did, and the proceeding conversation felt very hollow. Empty of what I wanted. Along the way he told me he's been seeing someone, which I guess I already knew. Hearing it was a little hard - I want to say Thank God I didn't tell him how I'd been feeling, that I think about holding his hand sometimes and I really have never felt as comfortable or important in someone else's arms, but at the same time I really would like to tell him that. I've never been good at keeping my feelings to myself and often that alienates people.... just as much or more than bottling them up inside myself.

I wondered after we hung up why I am alone - it's partially because I need to be, partially because I want what I can't have, and partially because I spend too much of my time and energy on people that will never reciprocate what I give. All that being fun to think about, I wondered if I would continually be alone because I was dedicating my life to people who were happy without me in 'that' capacity.

Dinner alone then going out for a friend's birthday, then a movie. Sometimes thinkin's tough on a tender heart, but I also believe that this is a helpful reality and is yet another piece of myself I have discovered. Firstly, I need to stop thinking about dudes and get what's on my plate taken care of. Secondly, I need to buck up and realize that it's not all that bad being alone, and that friends help heal the little hurts you have. Finally, If you want something worthwhile you have to work for it, and any goal, with hard work can be achieved.

Sooo, I've just had the wind knocked out of me, but I think I'll be okay. Gonna go walk it off and see what shenanigans I can get into tonight!

Love to you all
-AA

Conversations over Christmas Ornaments.

As I made Christmas ornaments this afternoon I got a call from L'Bergique. We had a long conversation that covered many topics but what was most interesting to me was what we talked about last. Somehow we got on the subject of the classic Christmas image and what we each think about at Christmas. When I think of Christmas, I imagine the Christmas parade in my hometown with my parents and my sister, the familiar faced man dressed as Santa Claus, the funny little house he sat in next to the huge lighted tree on the courthouse lawn - - no snow, but cold temperatures. He mentioned that we as a culture seem to see Christmas as a holiday centered around snow and ice, cold weather, evergreen trees etc. but he posed the question, "how do people in the tropical regions associated with the U.S. see Christmas?" It's a little absurd for them to expect a sleigh and a man dressed in fur in 85 degree weather with no snow in sight. The idea that we, as a culture, long to be unified in what we think is an interesting one. Are images of snow and a sleigh applicable to Hawaiians and Puerto Ricans?

I think that you do not have to be surrounded by snow or believe in much about Christmas to appreciate the socially accepted images of Christmas time. However I found it interesting, this idea of social normalization - where we as a culture subscribe to an established idea given to us by previous generations and the tweaking of the media.

Conversely, I was also remembering a famous faculty member at FSU, Dr. Madsen. In his class he does an exercise and asks his students to imagine a generic object or idea. Then he asks a few people to describe their imagined idea. He says that if you ask a group to think of an object or idea there will be variance due to the nature that all people are different.

L'Bergique hinted at this but we didn't have the time to flesh it out, so I'll give it to you to mentally chew on:

With these thoughts in mind - the idea of social normalization and the actual lack of it -Could it be argued that there is no concrete idea of a family in America. Each person perceives it in a completely specific way based upon their own experience. Thus the conservative platform for solidifying the American family under the concrete umbrella of a man and a woman is only a psychological agenda to unify the accepted social norm to exclude all types of alternative families. (Single parents, households with grandparents or other family members, homosexual couples, etc.) Should we allow the government to pressure us into an idea of family that they ascribe to when regardless of how the law defines a family, there will always be a wide variance of images people associate with that word/feeling/idea

That was a wild ride, I know, and I didn't do it too much justice - - BUT it is an interesting bunch of thoughts to think on. (Also last night I mentioned to someone that it would be great if I had a mechanism that could trace my trains of thought so that I could figure out how I arrive at the places I do...) Happy thinking!

Love to you all

-AA

Say your Thankfuls

Every night when I was little my mom would read to my sister and I from the Bible. After that we used to say our "thankfuls" - things and people in our lives we were thankful for. I am endlessly thankful for each of you. I am thankful for your existence on this planet and that God put you in my life. Each of the people that I talk about in this blog have touched my life and I hope that I, in some small way, can repay them. May the lord bless you and keep you and bring you the greatest peace.

Love to you all
-AA

Twin text

As my posts are so oft, this is a collection of all things of consequence - the crux of my thoughts. I was struck recently when I read Twin's blog and really felt like we, in some respects, are truly twin spirits. This is a fragment I have been stuck to like a worry stone, passing it through my mental fingers, turning it over and over in my imagination's hands.

"...Pieces of her world would be empty soon as well. Great big pieces. For someone so seemingly full of life, sadness always seemed able to creep in and sit down with her..."

I saw her today, we were on the same page before we even talked. It isn't the holidays approaching or anything circumstantial that has brought us to where we are - it's a jumping off point. We are at the end point, and thus beginnings must be planned - time to make ends meet, in all possible senses of the cliche.

I feel strange inside - disturbed, but not in a check me into an institution sort of way. I am uncomfortable - ideas whizzing through my head, thoughts out of order, difficulty creating sense of the entropy in my mind. Pieces of my life, the identity I have created for myself, will soon be part of my past and no longer part of my present. With those absent pieces pulling away from me, the gaps are filling with a bit of melancholy. Don't be confused, I still find myself hopeful but at this stage realism is necessary and with realism comes a tiny bit of bitterness and melancholy.

I made a list on yellow construction paper of my thoughts for my future (a rather cheerful color that I picked because it was close at hand and I had no other paper in the house - perhaps it will be symbolic at some point). My plan, at the moment, is to find a job, save money, develop my ideas into possible plans and clear my head of all the junk I've let collect in it over these past few months. When the dust has settled, something will come together - I can feel it.

Another thing that I can feel is an itch, something I've felt since I was a child and I am following that intuitive thought most especially now.... more on that when the time is right - and no, I'm not going to audition for American Idol or try to get my start on Broadway (...yet). Positive thoughts and requests for guidance are much appreciated and welcomed :)

SO MUCH Love to you all, I feel blessed to have you in my life!!
AA

Stories.

So, there is a certain place I go to have my Business Meetings (aka BM) when I am at school. I went there today, in fact, and I saw another 'conscientious' man coming down the stairs from the mezzanine. I thought about it for a second as we talked and realized he must have just come for dropping of some Cosbys at the pool since he was coming from a place he had no real business being. I headed up the stairs to the silent and my senses proved someone had recently been there. (My olfactory sense has always been one of my stronger ones, that and touch.) Anyway, I was thinking about the last time I had been there and I remembered this little story I had forgotten to post since I've been a hermit for weeks. So, here's a little early-morning funny for you.

When I am at work I try to keep it close to the office, no one ever really goes to the second floor for 'business meetings' they use the WC and get the heck out. Well, on this particular day I got a fairly urgent call from Mr. Rumblie Tum Tumbley and made a bee line for the nearest restroom only to find it occupado by someone using the only truly functional stall... the other the door doesn't stay closed. As soon as I see feet below the edge of the blue enameled stall I turn on my heals and dash toward the mezzanine of the performance hall in the next building. I make it just in time. All goes well, the toilets haven't even been used that day - still cleaner in from the night before. Then as I am 'wrapping it up' I grab for some t.p. from the giant plastic monstrosity mounted above my head. The t.p. doesn't tear and I yank on it a little. The next piece is even less cooperative and just as I get it to tear off the front cover of the dispenser opens and whacks me square on the head. Needless to say I may have screamed, I didn't know what it was until it was too late and I had already yelped, then I laughed out loud. Who gets hit on the head in the middle of trying to be regular...? Me, I guess.

Another little, less funny story:

My jury for my recital was last week, I made mistakes, we all do. Of the 4 faculty present, 2 passed me and two did not. Thus there was a draw. One must receive a majority to pass any jury. After much talking, waiting, and adulting (i.e. not freaking out and dealing with life a step at a time) I was told that my best, and really only, option was to give the recital after a re-take of the jury exam the first week of Spring classes. I feel like I did a good job of being positive and doing my best to "look at the bight side" finding that there was nothing I could do but deal with the circumstances as they were and proceed with the utmost attention to the details of what people disliked and an unconquerable resolve to be at 100% the first week in January. I took a little break from the music, but am very much back on the horse. I'm sorry for any inconvenience it may have caused any of you. God had other plans, it appears.

The crux of it all, laugh through the shit, pick up the pieces and never let anything get in the way of you doing your business.

Keep smiling, Love to you all
AA

Monogamy, Monotony, Quality and Quantity

So, dearest friends, it has been a while since I posted and oh the news there is to tell. The name of the post is really where my head is at right now -my thoughts staked into the ground by these four words....

Monogamy - so, my life has not really been associated with this word lately. I have been a ho in most senses of the word, minus the getting paid part (Though, I have recently considered being a houseboy in recent weeks). I find that it is something that I talk about, muse over, and ultimately say 'bollocks' to at this moment. In recent months, I haven't kept track, but I have entertained more than a few men with my physical charms. These actions were not necessarily because I craved the attention, or needed it even (not saying it didn't feel nice at the time) but I am a 'people pleaser'. One of these fellows I was pleasing happened to be infected... not with anything of an incurable nature, but I did get it. My first STI/STD, and I got it because I was trolling for ass - wanted the attention of someone; got it... and more than I ever bargained for. I've been treated, I should be fine. I got a full battery of tests done, some of which will come back later.... but through all of this I have been afraid. Who have I unnecessarily trusted and chosen to please and was it worth it? I would dare say for the most part the number of people I've extended trust to has been great and the worth of their time and the experiences had were small. With that in mind, I am putting out into the world this idea: No Sex New Year. i.e. no sex in 2011 including but not limited to sex, fooling around, etc. Kissing shall be permitted on a case by case basis. I have found that I feel like what I do in the bed seems to cheapen me in other areas of my life and I wonder if making that a non-issue will give me even more mental space to give to myself and the people I care about. - - This is just an idea, and I like alliteration so less sex new year sounded .... less fun, and it's a harder idea to enforce.

Monotony: my life has been running on a bit of a loop in many different ways over the past year(s), (shockingly I have grown more than any other stage in my life) and I am thinking of breaking cycles. 1) I talk a lot about things I want, about myself, my needs, dreams, desires, experiences, wishes etc - - sometimes when I am listening to myself talk, I find it annoying. I wonder if people hear the "I" driven speech that sounds so selfish to my ears. 2) I procrastinate - one of the reasons I didn't "pass" or "fail" my jury was because I had procrastinated. I procrastinated because of fear of the unknown, available distractions, lack of interest in the material, and the predisposition to wait until the 11th hour to complete a task because traditionally that works. Procrastination needs to come to an end as does letting fear of knowing the magnitude of an issue stopping me from finding out what I am dealing with. There are several things that I have ignored for fear that they are too big or too ugly for me to handle - each has turned out to be more than manageable and if they had been addressed early would have been a non-issue. 3) the move toward mutual investment: I need to stop , and have in many cases, investing in those who are not mutually invested in me. There are other things but that leads quite well into -

Quality & Quantity: It would seem that there is and always has been a sort of co mingled definition of the two words. Bigger is better, More is better, Wider is better - all imply that intrinsic goodness is synonymous with size or quantity. More is not an indicator of quality, depth, necessity, or any term of value - it is just a larger amount. (what happened to everything in moderation? just like less sex new year, it's longer and is less fun to say). My hope is that in the coming months that I spend quality, invested, important time with those I love. That I reciprocate their investment in me. (I thought about, for the first time today, what it would feel like to be my mother and not feel reciprocation and or appreciation of the time, financial, and emotional investment made in her child - I feel like I don't reciprocate enough...) I also realize that it is easier for me to make a scheduled time to see about/visit with the people I care about. My life is over-regimented, and I easily let things run overtime and forget to call or make time for people who I really actually do want to see. The idea of practicing music and language also plays into this area of thought. They are things that I enjoy and am good at, but in order to be a professional there needs to be a balance of both quality and quantity of time spent.




My thoughts are breezing through my head like trains in Grand Central, I am feeling a reawakening of creativity and a resurgence of hope for the future. Many seeds to possibilities have been planted, and I am excited to see what they grow into. I have never felt more adult than I do right now. I am ready for what comes to me, I feel equipped to deal with it and make arrangements with a positive unconquerable attitude.

I hope you are staying warm, in your homes and hearts. Chins up! The world can only defeat you if you let it.

Much much MUCH love to you all,
AA