I have arrived at Twenty-Five

Today, I turned twenty-five at 11:13 am Central standard time. I haven't written in a while because silence just felt better. Silence is easier than talking sometimes; to mute the mind's outward output and let things develop as they so often do.

This weekend was lovely, I am so thankful for the beautiful and amazing friends that surprised me under the direction of Momma and Jewels. Almost all the important people where there - It made me feel loved, appreciated, integrated into the fabric of the lives of other people - useful. (My face was sore from all the smiling.) All things that have felt very distant and intangible to me lately. It was a very very bright spot in a series of many weeks of struggle.

Life has been a little ugly to me lately, and maybe I'm paying it forward... or maybe Karma has come to reap what I sewed at some point in my past. Essentially I feel detached, out of reach and once again like my feet aren't on the ground. I think that though there are so many beautiful, wonderful and caring people around me, for some reason I am not consoled. I guess it is time to look inside myself, (who likes to do that!?) and search for the answers to my inexplicable emotional roller coaster-ing.

There have been moments of respite, but the feelings always come back. The vacation I took in August, the beginning of school - there were two or three weeks where I was excited, I felt energized and ready to move forward with my life. The closer my birthday came, and the farther into school I got the more that feeling waned. It takes vacations too, I guess. I think that this week away for my sister's wedding will be nice and much needed - Spending time with my beautiful, wonderful and sometimes misguided family always leaves me feeling a bit better - maybe it will help me get a few things together in my head.

To explain it in plain terms, I feel a little crazy. Very sensitive. Prone to tears, and bouts of depression that last for a day sometimes less. I feel out of whack, out of my "self." - - There is no one reason why I feel this way, no overarching source of trauma, but the cumulative weight of things seems to be doing something to me... or my body chemist has taken an indeterminate leave of absence and I am subject to my body attempting to regulate itself - which, if that is the case, it doesn't seem to be doing all that well.

My life, by all accounts, is enviable. My physical health is good. My friends just proved their immeasurable awesomeness and devotion both this weekend and today - my facebook wall and cell phone have literally reached capacity! You all have showered me with love and somehow it isn't soothing. I don't know what it is I lack that my emotional self seems to need so desperately, but it seems like I will continue to seek it aimlessly until I find it.

God is in there somewhere, one of the few things that does make me feel better is gospel music. There's a lot out there about God bringing you through trials. (and here I thought my growing pains where over!?) God is taking me through something, and I think that He is asking me to trust Him and to seek help, within His word and within His music and also with someone "outside the circle" who can speak objectively about my life.

All this being said, the time has come to go to therapy. I've battled with these ups and downs for quite a few months now and I think that they are beyond my power to fix alone. Welcome to being a grown-up, right?

I love you all so much, I don't want you to worry. I know this all sounds a bit off-putting and sad for a birthday post, but it's real and where I am right now. If you could just reach out, whenever you think of me, or just let me know that you are there - that would be a great help. I'll keep you posted on my progress

Love to you all,
AA