One year later

Saved Draft from Sept 20, 2012.... 

Hello all,

It's been a year since last we spoke and OH so much has happened since then. But I feel that it all can be summarized into: Time went by and through the ups and downs I survived (not that I expected any less of myself). For juicer details read on....

So, God... September a year ago I was quite the mess. Emotionally, that is. But it would seem that I store that sort of sentiment here. I am a fairly morose writer when it comes to "me" - and I feel the winds of change and the confidence gained from experience have weathered me in all the best ways this past year - and maybe for that breaking-in that the years do to a body, I'm better for it and perhaps a little less... debilitated by my own circumstance.

It's odd to say that, because I had conjured this image of myself as this "Liberated Man" - but I wasn't. I'm still not, but I'm closer. Closer than I ever was up until this point. At any rate, returning to September of last year....

Work was hard in the sort of way that... breaks you in half emotionally. I was slowly, however not maliciously or purposefully, being crumbled like a dry brittle cookie. Returning to the emotional dust from which I had been wrought. Momma had turned "sweetie, darling" into "Mommy, dearest". The abuse no longer coming from the closeness of friendship, but rather from the hurt of losing a parent, the lack of self-awareness one has when poisonously afflicted by loss.

School, though only a dim light of inspiration on many days, had its moments of brilliance. My coursework has challenged me in a way that I never expected - it shattered the composed and decided image that I had of myself and left me, most of the time, with 10 fold more questions than answers. I feel changed - all in good ways - by this course of study I have followed. Daily I see the need for social change, I ask questions about why things are the way they are rather than accepting them on blind faith. - I feel... like an Adult, in a way. I've always felt that I was "old for my age" but I always had a childlike spirit... ( now I wonder if I was just out of touch with my own generation) at any rate, despite my assumed maturity I was very naive and through graduate school I found out just how naive I continue to be. Maturity bubble = Burst. I feel like I am on the same level as my peers now, which has been interesting to navigate...

So, school has been good for me, despite the fact that I have to pretend like I read a shit ton.... which I am trying to turn into ACTUALLY reading a shit ton - I'm trying to be a little more responsible. (adulthood, what?!)

I've made a lot of progress with my voice over the past year. I got to sing with the ensemble in the summer show at FSU which was a blast (got to work with Jewels, which was nice :) ). And, I've been going to the gym fairly consistently. Woohoo, pat on the back, yessiree I'll take it.

The unfortunate effect of work, school, voice lessons etc was that I was quite stressed most of this past year.