Half-Happy Hump Day.

Soooo, oh the things to tell about today. Well, yesterday, now... but you know what I mean. I put the blogging on pause yesterday, though I did think about you all and what I might say (most of which, honestly, you needed in your life like another hole in your head.), I decided it best to take the day off from everything after class was over.

Tuesday re-cap: I took a test that I wasn't ready for, mostly because I've been slacking and unmotivated lately - I think I might get away with a C minus... my fingers are crossed. After the test I cut class to write an essay and generally recover from my brain melting out of my head. The rest of the day finished rather uneventfully, but I felt majorly depleted from the overwhelming stress wave that hit me mid morning and didn't ebb until late in the evening when I watched the dvr'd premier of this season of Project Runway with my also recently-single-and-recovering friend Blue. (so named for his very lovely eyes). We talked about our respective lives and I felt generally better.

TODAY! (She's a Doozie) -

I was supposed to gym it up with Nix, but I totally rolled over when the alarm went off at 6. - (I feel like I get caught up in exposition.... I'll work on this in this and later posts) I used the morning for a deep clean of the cat box and bill paying and set out for school feeling horrifically funky and unprepared for my coaching today. I had practiced, but not nearly enough to rehearse efficiently with the Opera demi-god that is Doug Fisher. Came into the office pensive and heavy with the proverbial cloud over my head - complete with drizzle. I spent the better part of the morning prepping for the session and in general funk. The time came to go to coach and it went.... he discovered that I am slightly dyslexic - something not many people know - which is really a mute point to me, it's part of me and integral to my being, but this time something about it felt different and I got really frustrated with myself. After I was excused I just... really needed a hug.

I texted Gem (he's texted me a couple times in the past few days) to ask if he could grab lunch. Surprisingly, he agreed, and instead of being happy I suddenly realized that I had to prepare myself for lunch with the man I am in love with who - lately at least - hasn't even consistently responded to text messages. I felt myself collapsing inward into further internal chaos until I felt like I have on occasions that don't exceed the number of fingers on one hand. When I left the office I was scraping together the goo that my brain and heart had become into some semblance of functional shape. I arrived early with the intent to bail if he was even a little late ( - We were meeting at two at Pitaria - one of the things that ran through my head was a story he told me about stalling on someone he was supposed to meet there at 2 until 4 o'clock) and yet again, surprise, he was almost exactly on time - Today was a day of fate, I am sure. - he gave me a "bro" hug made all the less intimate with the double pat on the back. - I tried not to relax into it, to seem detached and "okay"

Our conversation over chicken pitas meandered from light things into the depths of the problems we've both been facing independently. The whole time I felt like my chest could literally implode from the vacuum of my heart collapsing like a dying star. I felt physical pain being with him and not being able to hold him like I have wanted to for weeks. Eventually we came to the subject of us and he apologized for "leading me on." I took that as the jumping off point to gently tell him what I have been feeling lately. I was a graceful swan on water, my invisible feet working like mad under the surface while delivering a very composed appearance above the water. I literally was nauseous and was in the throws of indescribable physical and emotional pain but I managed to remain composed and say exactly what I wanted to say without sounding crazy, throwing up, or bursting into tears... all of which were real possibilities.
( 1 big boy point for me)

After I outlined everything, he assured me that he was not ready for anything serious yet but that he still liked me very much. He expressed his own insecurities about life and what he has been dealing with lately and slowly my emotional clouds started to fade. Toward the end of our conversation I could see in his eyes that he still has feelings for me, his eyes were searching, gentle and honest - and with that look on his face he asked me when he could see me again. In a single sentence it seemed like everything vaporized and nothing that had happened during the day even mattered. Shortly after that we both had other things that we had to do, I followed him to his truck and he reiterated that he wanted to see me, and possibly take me to lunch or dinner. (I'm not so sure that he'll have the time but the gesture was nice). I tried to stay a little slippery and not commit to anything, I'm not really sure about all this at the moment. We made tentative plans for the weekend and when we hugged, he pulled me into himself, so much so that I staggered forward and may have stepped on his shoe. He held me the way he used to, no pats this time. The hug lasted longer than I expected, but I didn't mind. When we finally released each other I coyly pulled away as he reminded me to call him about this weekend. We exchanged a few more goodbyes and I tried to err on the side of detachment.

I checked my phone as I walked away and it was exactly the time I had though it would be best to leave. The rest of the day was fairly unimportant, though my French teacher walked with me from Diffenbaugh to the Music Building chatting with me the whole way... I think she was trying to make up for last week when she called me out in front of the class, maybe not, I didn't really care too much.

I am left, after today, feeling more at peace than I have in a while. I'm not sure what my relationship with Gem will turn into, he made some friend references amid the conversation that made me sound more like good medicine for his life than someone to whom he wanted to attach himself. I am going to continue on this path of becoming more cognisant of the goals that I have and the things I must do to achieve them: God, graduation, health, recital, opera, friends, family, fitness. (list and/or order of importance subject to change on a daily basis) - I am feeling much more prepared to dive into work, tonight I read a lot of tedious bull for my classes, but didn't give up and completed my homework. - (another big boy point) - The solution for me at this point is to live and be the best me that I can manage each day. Not a storybook ending, but I feel at peace which makes me very happy. My brain no longer feels like it was divided and made to ride and keep track of a thousand trains of thought, I'm slowly pairing it down to far fewer trains going at much slower speeds.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day for me, I am so lucky to have each of you.

Thoughts, Energies, and Prayers, as always -

Best and love to each of you,

-AA




P.s.

(Why I said it was a fated day)
Interesting thoughts of the day:

Peach and I truly are living parallel lives. She and I have both had gentleman that are recently single, surprisingly perfect that we began to fall in love with only for them to disappear. Her's wrote her an email recently to ask her to coffee... and I had lunch with mine today. Now we face the problem of what do we do now?

Timing seemed to be strangely perfect today.

my horoscope, which I never read says:

We're still feeling the effects of the Venus-Mars opposition, which occurred in the wee hours of this morning. Close relationships may be experiencing a little bump in the road right now, and that alone would be enough to make anyone emotional. Add to that today's active and complex Moon, and you could feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster. Practice kindness, to yourself and others. A little will go a long way. (and Gem and I talked about signs today - (one funny coincidence is that he is Gem the Gemini; I realized this a while ago, but haven't mentioned it ) - and how we are both thinkers and we seek to find our identity, he more so right now than I.

Monday Mumbles

Monday passed. I had a pretty decent day with plenty of laughter, smiles and friends. I celebrated a friend's birthday and then came home to the empty house. The cats don't seem to fill it like they used to... I am staying busy as I can be, making plans and seeing bright sides everywhere, I just need the bright sides to stick around longer and not fade into ash quite so quickly.

The remnants of Gem's text yesterday coupled with the words of the missed connection have been jostling around in my head all day making for lots of sighing and attempts to shift focus. It seems like so much longer than two weeks since I last saw him... and two weeks is kind of an absurd amount of time in its own right. My emotional dial seems to be set on pensive lately and I can't seem to accomplish much beyond thought, though I did do well in class and my voice lesson today. Encouraging things are happening in the voice studio and I am looking forward to my performances this semester but simultaneously I feel horribly unmotivated.

My brain, heart and house are in need of spring cleaning even though it is only the end of January. I have already taken steps this year that I never knew existed, but the thick dust of complacency has been settling all over and around me for quite some time and I feel like the time has come for me to feel new and shiny again. I need to take the baton only a bit further before I am finished with this race and these last hundred yards are where I should be sprinting to the finish line... not smothering myself in clouds of thought. No breath holding, only breathing and feet to the pavement.

Positive Vibes, Prayers and Practical Advice accepted, as always.

Sorry for the odd ramble.
Best and Love to you all,

-AA

What a way for the weekend to end.

The weekend began with my flight from Tallahassee. I left a pretty big cloud of dust rising behind me as I sped away from the city for 'a weekend in the country' (I love this song, though it is only slightly related) and by country I mean my home town.

I really enjoyed myself quite a bit! I stayed home with Mom and Dad Friday night, Mom and I went shopping Saturday and I got a very nice LINCS shirt from Stein Mart, very spring/summer with light periwinkle and lilac. - (I just gayed out, I know). After shopping for the better part of the day we went to Cracker Barrel. I had a very welcome, delicious dinner with the 'rents and had few nice moments of laughter - very uplifting. I talked to Peach online, which was also very nice, we caught up our respective stories.... they're becoming ever more like bad telenovelas, (the spanish version of the Soap Opera).

This morning came and I went to church with Mom and it was bearable. Don't get me wrong, I like church, but her pastor's nickname isn't Killjoy for nothing. He gave only a mildly abrasive sermon that had merit, so, given the possibilities, I was pleased. Unfortunately, the respite in the 'country' couldn't last forever. I had a fantastic afternoon and sqeezed in lunch laundry and nap - efficient, to say the least - and then drove back to town ready to face a new week....... and almost made it through a weekend without any emotional interference.

Alas, my perfect little bubble of a weekend had to burst SOME time.

I went to a pretty fantastic faculty concert tonight and got a text from Gem some time during the second half but didn't want to be the guy that texts during a recital. (In short, it truly is bad etiquette.) -- Add that one to the "Don't open candy while someone is playing/singing" and "No flash photography, especially with a disposable camera - so nineties and NOISY"

(He texted me yesterday to say hey and we had a short exchange... so that was nice)

SO anyway, to the part you've been waiting for. I finally get around to checking the message when I am all alone leaving the recital hall, and I am so excited that he texted... (because why would he text unless he wanted to seeee me?) I read the words: Did you by any chance type a missed connection for me?
My little excited butterflies withered into smoke and I responded in the negative and inquired about how he is doing... since I haven't seen him for two weeks or spoken to him since Thursday.

My curiosity peeked and my heart a little bruised I went to check out said missed connection and I find:

Title: For closure's sake
Date: 2010-01-23, 10:40AM EST
Body:

I think you just want attention from someone, but that someone can't be me anymore. During our times together everything was great. You would leave and I would not be able to stop smiling until I fell asleep. I'm not sure what you're looking for right now..I so badly want it to be me, but your actions speak louder than your words. I can't do this to myself after putting off relationships for so long, and it just seems so easy for you to push me away. You failed. This sucks. I'm going to miss you every time I see you, guaranteed. But this isn't going to work out.

Temporarily Yours Truly, M.


This sounds FEAKISHLY similar to my situation with Gem and signed with MY INITIAL, how I sign nearly ALL familiar emails. I entertained the thought that maybe someone did it for me to 'help me out.' but that faded pretty quickly. Though some of the details are true, I am not ready to kick him to the curb yet......

I sat at the library computer for what felt like hours sinking into the hole I thought I had just left behind.

I was so glad to have a place to go tonight. The Three Musketeers -Momma, Mix, and MackG who always seem to occur as a trio in my life invited me over. I had a good fourty-five minutes of fun - laughing about our board-gaming last Friday and making plans to do the same this Friday. I settled a bit from the terse and almost emotionless text from Gem, had a flute of Champagne and then came home to work on homework... which I still haven't done.

I talked to Eesh, who once again is doubting her talents because of a less than laudable first showing of a student production. - I told her that she'd done her best and that's all one can do and she bucked up a bit. Then I dished to her about life as a crusty old undergrad with boy problems who just wants someone to take care of him. She listened politely and didn't offer much that I hadn't already considered, but I really appreciated the ear and the heart she offered.

Now chatting up Peach and needing to get to bed. The day has been okay and I think I shall sleep well with the light breeze running through the trees next to my window - the left overs from the howling winds that tossed my truck around as I drove back to Tallanasty.

I shall introduce a new lady to you soon, a very good and dear friend that I am supposed to get my gym on with on Wednesday. You'll like her!! - I really should steal a page out of Peach's Blog and write a post indexing the people and more specifically the women of my life. Look for that one and sleep or daydream well dearest friends,

Best and love to you all,
-AA

Sent Message

I've been tossing around the idea of sending Gem a message all day, kind of as a peace offering since our last texts weren't quite like our usual conversations - Relapse, I know - BUT ,I feel like am being true to myself and what I need by sending him this, so I neither feel sad or any sort of regret for doing so. I decided to go with the Facebook option because it's fairly uninvasive, unlike texting which sort of comes into your space my message will sit in his inbox and he can chose to read it or not. (Obviously I've been thinking about this for a while - all that time I should have been practicing, but who cares right now, right? ....) So, this is what I wrote:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gem,

Just wanted to say hi and let you know that I was thinking of you. I hope that all is going well. I'm trying to stay out of your hair and let you do what you feel you need to do, but I just want you to know that I am still thinking about you and sending you good energy. I'll be out of town this weekend, but if you'd like to hang sometime in the next couple weeks, I'd really enjoy that. :)

best,
-AA

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I feel like that is pretty openended yet implies if not screams that I still care but am not trying to lurk around. I am not expecting anything and I am suppressing hope that anything will occur on his end, but I allowed myself to put my feelings out there, staying true to myself and my needs which I think is a step in the right direction.

In other news, today was very busy. Many classes to attend, etc. I was going to take a walk around campus again, but had to go to the post office and by the time I got back just didn't have to will power to go anywhere - I ended up passed out on my bed for almost four hours...fully dressed WITH SHOES STILL ON! I laughed at myself when I woke up. The laughter felt oddly foreign but delicious and fulfilling.

As a part of my self-induced therapy, I am taking a little trip home this weekend amid all the things I have to take care of and the stuff that "must" be done I know that going home for a few days will be comforting and helpful in reestablishing my emotional equilibrium. ( I may blog from home to update on any further developments, or I might have a technology free weekend - which honestly sounds much more fulfilling... Either way, you'll get the news eventually.) I have been calling on my childhood memories of Golden Girls, Designing Women, Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Nine to Five, and Working Girl to inform this internal application of support.... and just in case I've forgotten how to be a Strong Southern Gentille Powerhouse, I have most of these in my personal collection oooor Lifetime tv,( yeah, I said it.) Something about the strength and perseverance of these women... the fact that they meet and defeat their obstacles while remaining human is empowering to me. I feel like I can never find a male protagonist that makes me feel as good as these women do.

Anyway, Sooner or later you'll hear from me... Tell yo mamma an'dem I axe'em how they durrin.

Love and Laughter
-AA

drizzly day dabbling

So, today, I slept in late - I needed it. I dragged around work until I just couldn't be next to my office mate/ex-boyfriend and just had to escape

(For nearly a year, I sopped around the house, the Store, the school and the church like a dirty old biscuit, dirty and inedible. - Maya Angelou, from Sister Flowers - worth the read)

I came home to watch a movie for one of my classes and cried for the first time in a while. Oddly fulfilling... and after that the day kind of started to look up

- - well, minus the whole waking toward Diffenbaugh and seeing a carbon copy of Gem and then in French class, where the teacher told me... in English in front of the class, that I basically had little to no business being in there... then I responded in French and she decided that maybe I wasn't a total loss. - -

Toward the end of class I had decided that I would take a walk when I got home. It was fantastic. I walked the outer perimeter of campus at a leisurely speed listening to the mix I made for Twin and something about it made me feel liberated and revived. The music was just as therapeutic as the hour and a half of vacuous sidewalk following. I didn't have to make any decisions or think about anyone or anything. I did think about the words and the melodies of the music a lot... a lot of it speaks to where I am right now in life and in large part is mostly very soothing. I returned home and finished Inch'Allah Dimanche -(The cliff notes version: Zouina, the protagonist, struggles the entire movie and finally succeeds in the end her self-assertion etc brings us to the end of the movie - yay happy ending) the movie for my class and ruminated in the peace that came over me from the walk and the journey of Zouina who succeeded against much more difficult odds.

The cool drizzle made for great sound effects and perfect cyber surfing weather. - I found/rediscovered fabulous things from DwellStudio and Urban Oufitters. I love these two graphic and marvelous patterns. The first, Gio Aqua, is something I am seriously considering for my bedroom at my parent's house. I think it might be time to paint over the hunter green walls with this fantastic color "coconut shell" that I recently used in my room at my house.

Boring post, I know, but catharsis can't always be exciting.

Love to you all,
-AA

Womenly Wiles

I like alliteration - you know this - but this is for the darling, helpful and marvelous women of my life:

Aid - I was telling Twin a few nights ago how truly lucky I feel to have met you. Your knowledge and comforting words have really been a marvelous place to curl up in and hide myself in when I am feeling my ugliest. You have truly shown me strength that I didn't know I had and have given me access to one more small piece of myself.... This piece of me that allows me to realize what it is that I need, and ask for it without feeling selfish or out-of-line. I think you are marvelous and I can't express to you how much I enjoy and have grown to love you and your company.

Twin - I hope that you are enjoying the multi-cd playlist I constructed for you. I gave you some of myself in those pieces of music. ---- I realize more than ever that you are not my twin, but our souls are definitely cut from the same cloth. How interesting that it started with us just saying the same words at the same time and now has turned into a truly lovely and enriching relationship.

Truly, the three of us are all similar, but different people. I do feel like the weakest link when I am with you, the least developed and most emotionally juvenile, but I never feel like I am out of place or that I am seen in any sort of inferior light. We are stones sharpening each other, sharing through our life experience what it is we've learned. - I hope that I have something of value to offer you one day to repay the debt I owe to you both.

Eesh - Thank you for your constant support and love, I could not be where I am without you. Thank you for always bringing me laughter when I am stuck in my usual rut, providing unique and unapologetic advice and never failing to always be yourself with me without question.

Peach - We're going to a) have to work on a name for you, should you not like this one, but b) and more importantly: I love you and all that you are, I believe in you and think that this hiccup, is just that, a momentary, passing event that will resolve and whatever the outcome you will be better for it. I miss you terribly and really wish that I too was in ATL just to be close to you.

Mom - I love and admire you despite our differences. You have sacrificed for my every need and want and I cannot say how very special I feel. I am truly honored to be your son and I hope that I make you proud. You are the living Julia Sugarbaker that I get my fire and passion from, sweet and nurturing heart, work ethic, and everything else in-between. I am truly my mother's son and I would never change that.


Thank you for the strength you give me, the problems you have helped me to solve and most of all for being strong women of character and conviction. Bless you for all the things you have do and will do in your lifetime.

Love to each of you
-AA

Shelf life.

The title of tonight's post has a dual meaning....

a) I feel like I have been shelved
b) I get the feeling have reached my expiration date

-------------------------------------------------

I haven't written anything in few days because I honestly have been trying to fill my life with anything and everything that isn't Gem, but true to form, I can't get him out of my head. I guess this is just karma paying me back for past and future sins. This has kind of become my mental dumping ground for all things Gem, I keep mentally vomiting more and more things into print and I think that after this post, I am going to put Gem to bed.

Though I don't feel ready to close the door without a neat and concise ribbon tied around the neatly wrapped square package I have synthesized, I am really doing myself damage here in the cyber and real world. I feel like Gem is keeping me beyond arm's length now and I think it best to stop pushing and hurting myself; fighting with myself and creating a world built solely upon postulation. My over analytical brain has been second-guessing everything where he's concerned and where there was the greatest happiness I've ever known, now there is a void - the space I created in my heart for him to occupy. I want to fight with him , for him, to make him see the genuine, strong and beautiful feelings I have for him but it seems that that will only alienate him from me. I say this based on the fact that after not seeing each other for more than a week, and when given more than ample opportunity, he has consistently chosen other people to spend his time with over me. Yesterday I waited all day for him, and stayed awake only to get a phone call that said he needed to stay home after spending the better part of the day doing nothing and then going out to drink and then to a movie. - Once again, reduced to rubbish, I asked to see him today and I thought we had made plans.... however, he just informed me via text that he had only stated he'd call me not that we'd see each other. This time, I almost felt this was going to happen. I've been shelved. Tucked away to be the option and not the priority.

I actually thought about what it would be like to see him with someone else. This weekend, needless to say, was full of free time to mentally slit my wrists. I don't think I could see him with anyone else without great personal injury... and though he said he would be dating me if he was able to date anyone, I just can't help but think that I always lose at love because I buy in too soon. I believe that this relationship, friendship or otherwise is about to arrive DOA at the nearest relationship clinic. - All relationships have a shelf life and I think that I have pushed Gem too far in his supposed fragile state, he doesn't realize that for as happy and resilient as I seem, I too am teetering of the edge of marvel or disaster.

Gem and I never really built a friendship.... we went straight into something more serious and I'm just not sure how to reset myself to that place where I can think of him without the Love I have for him and the relationship we had begun to build.

I'm still unsettled, something that can only be soothed by having a talk with the man himself, but something tells me that despite his promises to see me more than ever, the phone calls and text messages will dwindle to nothing and he will forget about me. If in the next few days he does find time to talk to me, then maybe I can make more sense of myself in the context of his life, but if he doesn't I cannot allow myself to be poisoned by my thoughts.

I need to find a healthy means of releasing this crazy brand of energy which is why I will soon start back to the gym and make a more concerted effort where school and musical projects are concerned. I was never made to be a wilted flower and thus must fight for my place in the sun, and I shall have it, with or without Gem. - I'm not really sure if I can close the door on him just yet, maybe things will change... but I am no longer going to allow myself to leave my schedule at his mercy. Time to get out the planner and duck my head for a busy semester with a full social calendar.

Thoughts, energy and above all Prayers are welcome,

I love you
-AA

A poem I've been thinking about recently....

Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892–1950). Renascence and Other Poems. 1917.

19. “Time does not bring relief; you all have lied”

Sonnet II

TIME does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,	5
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim!	10
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!

I am a child of the tide

After little sleep, much thought, space given and deeds wrought I have come to a place close to peace. I am still thinking of Gem everyday but trying not to allow myself more than a few minutes to do so. I am airing myself out, staying busy and only allowing my heart to muse about him in my down time - which this week has been minimal. I have reached a point of indifference, where I feel both detached and connected to Gem and I'm okay. The longer I stay here in this space that "we" have created the farther away I feel myself drifting. .... and though he is one of the people in my life that has had such a dramatic effect on me that I can't really write the sum of the parts into words, I know that this will grow stale for me without his attention and cultivation. I'm not sure that I will be able to open my heart to him as I did when these wounds have all healed. For some reason I imagine myself in a boat with a length of rope that runs from me to the dock. I'm drifting farther away from the dock and if he doesn't grab the rope before I drift too far there will be no recovering me from the distance he's allowed to grow between us. I think we'll b friends perhaps, but I doubt he'll be "ready" before I'm gone.

Melancholic and a bit dramatic/romantic a la the superfluous man of Russian Lit. .... I was born to live in a different time, lol, we know this already..... and I probably should have been a woman.

Case in point: Today, my romantic mind thought of spring and flowers. I am a perpetual giver of flowers and expensive gifts, a sacrificer of all things to create someone else's happy moments where they feel special and important. - Today, I thought how nice it must be to receive flowers unexpectedly. I envisioned a bouquet of flowers on my welcome mat with a nice little note. Then my brain let loose and I saw my house decked with a floor full of flowers, walls white with roses to the ceiling, my own private meadow of beautiful buds. As I walked up the steps to the stoop, no flowers, and no flowers inside either, but the moments in my head were beautiful. Maybe one day I'll see it in real life? As I walked inside and shut the door, I thought of the likelihood of this would be slim, seeing as I seem to have a running streak of suitors who more about self than sacrifice.... but still, the image was beautiful and tomorrow is a chance for something new and exciting to happen.

Mental Musketeering

I love alliteration! Been thinking lots - here's some of the product.

Three things to take away from today's message:
1) When life gives you a refrigerator, fill it
2) Don't wait for perfect because it'll never come
3) Parents are some of the kindest and wisest people in the world
(.... or in my world, and here on this little cyber planet of mine, that's all that really matters)

First:
- "If life gives you a refrigerator fill it." You may be saying to yourself, "what the hell does that even mean... I wish fate would plop a Maytag in my lap!?" This is akin to but not entirely related to the clichés 'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth' and 'to every cloud there is a silver lining.' ( promise I'm not a nut bag) So, I thought about how I was feeling cold, dejected and empty as I floundered in the bedazzled world of Gem. As we know he has asked for the proverbial and albeit amorphous 'space'. Which kind of upset a few of the plates I was juggling, but here I am, still jugglin'. Anyway, my cold empty feeling of purposelessness was squishing me flat a la chair Gwyneth P. sits on in Shallow Hal and as I was driving a few days ago the thought of a Refrigerator popped into my head, as random images often do, and I began to think of how my life right now is like an empty fridge. I'm plugged in and running, but I can't move, I have no evident reason to exist because I serve little to no purpose being empty... blah blah blah... shady thinking was occurring. After that drive I realized that perhaps the better metaphor was that if I feel empty, to fill my time with people and projects that make me feel like I make a difference, that help me see my own value, and that empower me. I am choosing to spend my time making healthy choices emotionally and filling my life with the aforementioned people and projects, God knows I am surrounded by fabulous people, especially fabulous women. So friends, fill life's Jenn Air with the friends, family and fun that keep you alive and mentally stable. ;)


Second:
"Don't wait for perfect because it'll never come."
This little gem, (haha, irony) has been with me for a really long time and it was one of the firs inspirational quotes I coined for myself. This is not, in fact, a sad realization but rather a means of allowing you to live your life in progress. When I was a few years younger I thought it best to try and take every measure to "correct" myself before I began to date anyone post first boyfriend break-up. At first, for me this meant searching out every answer to every question and planning the future for myself, striving for perfection. Eventually I got to some fairly difficult questions like "when will I come out to Dad?" "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?" etc. and being unable to find those answers frustrated me without end. Finally I spoke with a very dear friend from high school who asked me why I was so concerned with finding all the answers to every question RIGHT NOW. Questions are a good tool to pinpoint issues to attend to but not fixate on. I realized that as much as I tried to prepare myself and this figurative place in my life for a significant other that I would never be able to stop questioning, there would always be a feature of myself and my life 'in progress' - if I waited until I was totally happy with everything about my life and myself then I would wait forever and never allow myself to date anyone. ---- I still strive for my best in all that I do and am picky about the product I produce but I realize that it is more important and healthy for me to do the best that I can with grace, as the person that I am. Perfect may never come, but I don't see that as a problem anymore.

Third:

This is just a commentary on the truly awesome parents that I have. My scholarship has basically been exhausted. I got $126.00 in financial aid this semester to cover a fee of almost $3,000. My parents, being the beautiful and supportive people that they are paid for it without question. I just want to say that this is a SUPER HUGE BIG GIANT DEAL to me and there are not words to express how unimaginably lucky I feel every day to be my parent's Son. <3 you Mom and Dad.


P.S.

A)
My computer and I are not agreeing at the moment, especially the keyboard. So, I apologize for things that are creatively spelled or words that run together but the keys don't always produce a letter on the screen and I don't always notice. - happy reading, lol.

B)
My hair is tending toward looking a little more like a brunette Carol Brady than the cool Brandon Boyd (singer from Incubus) that it has been up to impersonating lately.... I do believe I am in need of a new look! Excited!

Finding Space to give.

I no longer have lost-child-in-wal-mart syndrome.

Gem came through and called at about 12 am yesterday morning, I had already turned off all the lights and laid down when I heard the phone buzz against the nightstand. He apologized for being out of reach and gave his typical " I didn't have my phone on me" ( for 4 hours? Really!? Maybe I'm just too technologically connected/dependent.) Anyway, I was feeling adventurous and had just been writing about the situation in my journal, I asked him if he had time to talk. He knew it was serious by the tone of my voice and asked if he could call back in 20 mins. - I knew that if he did call back it'd be more than 20 mins, so I decided to just get comfortable and sleep, if the phone woke me, we'd talk.... if it didn't, I had at least tried to initiate he conversation. At 1:15, I awoke to the phone dancing on the nightstand once more, it was Gem, a little tardy but this time I didn't mind so much.

I cut straight to the chase, feeling empowered to tel him what was happening with me and how I felt neglected and ignored. I did so in my polite and well constructed fashion, staying very composed which I liked. I felt assertive without being demanding or doing the normal mental pee-dance that always seems to happen where I am trying to gage what the other person is feeling and how I am effecting them. Gem listened and respected my honesty. After we talked for about 20 minutes, he said he wanted to come see me, which he did.

We sat on my couch and talked, I mostly listened, but Gem finally spilled all the beans he's been keeping inside, I spilled a few things myself and overall it was up-lifting. Gem did admit that he wasn't ready for a relationship and would need space, so.... I am letting him be in charge of contacting me. I told him how I feel about him, but I am not going to be the one constantly calling and texting someone who asked for "space."

When he left, we hugged and he told me not to feel like I was losing anything but I couldn't help but feel like we were breaking up. I got into bed again and just ... wanted to cry, but tears wouldn't come. Even though I was sad, there was solace in the emotional release of telling him what I as going through.

I'm trying to decide what to do now. I really have no idea what TO do. Some would say forget about him and find someone new, others that I should give him space and wait because he said he'd e back... just not when.

I feel... indifferent... about most things right now. Like life is just a series of hoops to ump through that are kind of meaningless, and I am sad, I did feel a pretty serious pang when I saw him come up on my mini-feed. Damn Facebook. ;) I think he's worth waiting for but truly I'm not sure how long I can be in the midst of this amorphous land of not knowing. My plan from here is to surround myself with friends and experience life as I did before Gem came along. I he reincorporates himself in some capacity, that's up to him, I have created the space in my heart, I have sacrificed and made room, putting other things aside, and I have now created distance for him to exist in and deal with his problems. I can't spend my time aching to call or see him. He has to come to me. I just feel like it has to be that way.


Gem, babe, I really do love you. I can say that here where it's safe. I have never felt this way about anyone.... all the past relationships of my life don't compare in the slightest to you and what I think and feel for you, but I can tell that though I care so much for you now, that if you take too long, I may not be able to get back to this place, where I feel this insane strong heart-wrenching feelings for you. Please don't make me wait too long.

I have found the space to give you, use it well, stretch your legs and strut about, finding in yourself the things you believe you are missing. In the mean time, I'll be, despite my best efforts, missing you.

(These words , among other song lyrics, have been parading through my head since Gem left. For that reason I almost titled my post, Music Therapy.....)

Come ready and see me
No matter how late
Come before the years run out
I’m waiting with a candle,
No wind will blow out
But if you must haste on foot or by sky
For no one waits for ever
Under the bluest sky
I can’t wait forever
For the years are running out.
-- James Purdy --


Anyway, as if you weren't weary from reading, if you did in act make it through all the loosely connected tired story, sorry for rambling and painful sentences lacking any sort of brilliance or eloquence. Better posts and better feelings to come, darlings, I promise.

Night
-AA

Gem to Germ?

In an attempt to not be the emo boy that I am inside I am coming here instead of posting on my facebook status what I feel right now. (I wanted to write, AA is floored by the events that have or haven't taken place but is simultaneously not surprised. - Gem is turning into a Germ)

I saw Gem for the first time since... perhaps... last Tuesday... I think. I am wondering to myself how is it that I can be dating someone that I never see or talk to, so anyway... I saw him last night. After he got off work he was supposed to call me.... but didn't. I texted a few times and then finally just called only to get his voicemail for which i was royally pissed. I laid down in my bed, turned off the lamp and felt that giant emotional vomitous ball of junk welling up inside of me once again. I wanted to be everywhere on the emotional spectrum, and nearly turned myself into a screaming crying mess before I heard the buzzing of my phone on the nightstand. Twas Gem. He first apologized and then explained that he was extremely tired and had passed out instead of calling. He said he'd come over but I decided to head to his place instead. Ideally I would have liked to talk to him, but didn't push it, he said we'd grab bunch in the afternoon when we got up. I slept pretty terribly and was grumpy this morning when one of his friends came to steal him for the day to get some work done on this campaign he's part of. He promised he'd call when they were getting back from doing their business and I said I was cool with that.

I went about my day making plans and doing things that needed to be done. I also discovered that I do some really good thinking in the shower. In many different languages. I came upon the thought that text messages are too passive and I should call Gem from now on, if I can help it and if there is something I want him to do for me then I will in-turn do the same, or perhaps start the ball rolling with the golden rule: do unto others.... So, what I really want from Gem is investment in my life, wondering how I am and what's going on in my life, I need it from him for some reason. I think that 's a partial source of my awkward insanity, I just care SO much about him that I can't handle feeling like I'm an afterthought in his everyday life.

(I also thought about making my Fb status Nice guys finish last, there is a double entendre there.... know what it is???)

So, showered, caught up on Dvr'd tv and went to the library to mindlessly hand copy diction notes into a score. Had dinner with some really sweet friends and then back to the libz to finish up the mindless note copying. On the way I texted Gem, he eventually responded - small talkish stuff but asked what I was up to and I asked if he'd like to come over. Communication at that point stopped. I called as I was leaving the library, somewhere around 9:30 and then again at about 9:55. He still hasn't called or texted, he's probably passed out on his bed or... I don't even know where... not even worried about how much this is shitting on my emotions right now. Once again the convo is postponed, even though he promised he'd call, he failed to and here I am left wondering why am I hard to remember when I am not with him. He said all the right things to get me on the line, but now I'm just stuck out in the water with little desire to continue this heart-wrenching endeavor. That wasn't a fantastic analogy, but I'm not at the peak of sentential construction at the moment. My head is too busy trying to manage everything else.

Positive thoughts and feelings and prayers accepted from all readers

I'm going to sleep this off
Night
- AA

Play that Funky Music White Boy.

My general mood lately has been funky. I have been inundated with feelings of desire for Gem. I really have no idea what in the world is going on... I've been writing more than ever, trying to purge in words what my head and my heart are trying so desperately to sort out. Gem's been awol physically and emotionally as of late, I'm not sure if he's bailing and just not telling me, or if this is his Modus Operandi.... I am pretty head over heals for Gem, unlike I have been for anyone in my, albeit short but intense, love life. I can honestly say that I am fairly smitten and I am inextricably emotionally tangled.... to that end: FUCK. I feel like I have learned everything and nothing in my past relationships to prepare me for this one.

( I thought to myself today that I am a flower of the winter. I am something amusing, out of place, beautiful to some, harmful to few... I am novel but out of season, simultaneously meant to be where I am because nature said it should be so, but I am not like many other people, the multitude that flower in spring. )

Digressions aside, I talked to three women tonight about what to do with this seeming failure to keep the "crazy" at bay. I first sought advice from Eesh, she and I have been closer than we are now but as a general rule we understand each other while living totally separate and sometimes divergent lives. Eesh told me to slow my role, introduce Gem into the crazy little by little as the women of her family were taught to do. Later in our conversation when we'd moved onto another subject, she frankly said that she was not me... which now gives me pause. If she would not do as I would in a situation, why am I considering doing what she's done where relationships are concerned aaaand she's never had a serious boyfriend. Youth, for all it has in its favor, does not always imply experience. After dinner and time with the guys I found myself in the company of two young women who, I think, understand me a little better than Eesh, one with whom I seem to have endless parallel thoughts and who I like to call Twin and one I recently met and love, Aid - a very helpful and beautiful woman that could not have had more thoughtful things to impart. Speaking with and hanging with these ladies was a pleasure and one thing that really stuck with me from the whole conversation is the idea that I must remember myself and what I require from myself and others as well as though I have an ability to see something from a global point of view I shouldn't let that negate my singular instinct. Basically Aid put it this way, be who you are always, and those who can accept that will and those who can't will travel on their way.

I don't plan to hit Gem with an onslaught of "crazy" - which isn't in fact crazy at all - but rather sit with him and have a chat with carefully chosen words to tell him how I feel about him and what I need from him. Wish me luck.

-AA