Oh the places you'll go...

Oh the places you'll go, theme and variations.

I: Oh the places you'll go: in your sleep....

So, as per usual, I have had fierce crazy dreams all month, punctuated last night with a winner of winners.

Synopsis:

I am sitting somewhere, believed to be my grandmother's house - but 24 hours of awake make dreamy thoughts and details fuzzy - I am watching a tv special about the fine china and glassware owned by some famous or affluent person. Gran is sitting with me and for some reason my thoughts focus in on the very pretty purple glass plate that the host is talking about. Then my grandmother and I are in the kitchen where the show was filmed, but we are alone. The lights are off. My grandmother comments about how bright something is, I assume she means the light coming in through the windows, which is in fact dim - senile dream grandma? - I am attracted to the periwinkle fiesta ware pitcher. Gran comes up behind me and says over my shoulder "So, you're gay, right?" (it gets better) I, in utter shock, am speechless and turn to face her. She turns me back around to face the counter and starts dry humping me....... she asks "So you like it in the back?"

Suffice it to say, I will never sleep ever again.


II:Oh the places you'll go: while ... intoxicated.

This weekend I ingested more than my average allotment of Alcohol, Weed - yes, I said weed, and as a consequence of the alcohol and weed - Pizza, I got the Munchies/Drunchies hard core, don't judge.

So, Thursday: Went to the dudebro bar Bullwinkles to meet my friend MiniVann and his room mate Becks - I accidentally ran into some people from school and was waylayed found out MiniVann didn't like them too much and all was remedied when they left shortly after. I had a couple liquor pitchers (maybe that was the reason for my pitcher dream with G-ma?) and was lit like nobody's business. (I have an exceedingly low tolerance and am a horribly cheap date since I gave up booze for Lent.) MiniVann had a friend with him that I had met before who is kind of cute and would have sufficed that night had I been more enticing, but apparently drunk/high me is not nearly as cute as everyday me.... note to self: don't get drunk and high in front of marginally attractive men. (alcohol, helping the world aim lower and be less disappointed with every drop.) Maybe it was the fact that I peed in the parking garage? - - but all three of us did that.... I have no idea. So anyway, we smoked out in MiniVann's car on the way to this after party. All of us were hungry and decided after getting lost in a neighborhood near Gordo's where I peed - yes again, but this time alone and in a random neighborhood - in front of an oncoming truck - classy, right? with a CAPITAL K - (please also note that the grown up version of Key Club is called Circle K....? Confused. ) we decided that we'd hit up the Hungry Howie's on Pensacola which is right next to Baja's. Marginally attractive male had the phone number for Double H stored in his phone - SCORE! - we called ahead and arrived to an empty Howie's. After getting our pizza, the crowd from Baja's is filtering in.... we were five white children in a restaurant full of black people. I being overcome with unimaginable drunchies magnified by the pot am trying desperately to extricate myself from the grips of ferocious hunger by eating a LOT of pizza. I had no idea we were in the minority until M.A.M (Moderately Attractive Male) pointed it out. Everyone else seemed super freaked... I just kept eating - classy, yet again. We bail after I devour the last piece of pizza, the after party dissolved and we went to MiniVann's to hang. - Eventually he took me home and I would have had my way with one of them... but destiny intervened and I passed out at 4 am and slept quite well.

Friday: Rough start, didn't make it to work til after noon. Went through the whole day just fine and then ended up going out to Works after the recital I attended - after that Drizzle where I had more than a few beers. I saw someone get taken away by the police ( and by the way I looked damn good - I got hit on by more than a few people ;) - so maybe it's just the pot? I dunno). With my acquired confidence I texted Gem, he works across from Drizzle saying "I would like to seem more of you in my life, do with that information what you will." and here it is Monday and he has done nothing with said info, no one is surprised. - - - I ended up with the drag queen at his house with his back up dancers talking until late in the night aaaand eating Hungry Howie's.

Saturday: woo chile I was feelin old, worked all day and prepped for a party at mi casa. The party was good, poorly attended, but the lushes that did come drank all the punch. I had a few people trollin for ass, but once again, I slept alone - which was probably good. Proof you ask?: I got to sit with one of my exes and his new bf and watch them argue for about 30 mins... can you say awkward and annoying? Evidence enough that being alone is okay when the other options are irritating.

Sunday: and God said rest - and Oh, I did. Though, now my sleep schedule is entirely out of whack. The silver lining however is that I have made it to the end of the semester and hopefully can hit the beach, get some time with Twin and Peach, and finally be through - Make some scratch, pick a plane to catch, and squeeze some Aide and Eesh in too.

III: Oh the places you'll go: when you think or are thought of....

So, thought has escaped me a lot lately... Just smoke in the air fleeting and beautiful but impossible to capture for any length of time. My friend, L'Bergique, writes for a Baltimore gay website and has some good things to say. A lot of them are directly or indirectly to me. He has always had a thing for me.... but anyway, in this weeks post, I found myself in his words where he said that we should appreciate and establish beauty in new ways - valuing the internal instead of the external. Though looks fade, if the interior doesn't come in a nice package, I have a hard time wanting to investigate it. - - This is something that I struggle with from both vantage points, I always feel like the perma-friend, the guy that's nice inside and says funny shit that makes people laugh and feel at ease, but I lack something on my exterior that makes people want to investigate and yet, I am just as shallow. This is something I want to dig into and think about some more. But for now, my bed is calling. Hopefully dreams won't be quite as incestuous tonight. - fingers crossed anyway.


Love to you all,
AA

News, New Shews, plus Don'ts and Dews

Sorry for my cyber-estrangement for the past... oh two months, but hopefully we can just pick up where we left off:

I am still in love with my Cowboy Boots and wear them as often as possible. The Opera ended, with a pretty decently successful run. I applied for my passport and have everything in place to go to France in July minus my plane ticket. - - - I am thinking of maybe coming to hang in the New York area post Paris instead of part of the pre-flight happenings. So... that would mean being in New York in early August. The reason for this change of plans opens the 'news' can of worms.

The crux of the situation is that my voice teacher and I have been making a lot of progress over the past few weeks (after the Opera ended) and he really wants me to stay. The program for Spain hasn't materialized yet, meaning I have no other concrete plans for the fall semester... so, he and I talked about possible options and decided to postpone the recital until December. Which, in turn, means no graduation until, at the earliest, December. I'm not totally in love with this idea, but I know that it's what's best for me right now. There have been a lot of opening and closing doors recently that have placed me pretty squarely in Tallahassee for next year - I think it's good for many reasons: I will still be close to all the ladies I love (Minus Aid, whom we all miss very much :( ), I can stay in my rad apartment, I can do all the "senior/college" activities that I have not yet been able to do, and I can study with my amazing teacher. Silver lining = found.

In other news/dews I have been pursued by several men lately... I guess the spring has sprung a few more things than tree pollen and flowers - which, lest we forget, are also for reproductive purposes, and when you arrive at your yellow car, remember to thank the random trees for trying to impregnate us all. - so, yes the boys have an itch to scratch. I'm not really finding anyone, however, that I really like spending time with. I enjoy making out, etc, but there's no substance. Perhaps a spring fling is in order to shake the dust of my drawers - it has been a while since I had quality or quantity in the downstairs department.

I have run into Gem a few times, he always promises to call and forgets to follow through. I realize that I should not try to compete with his thoughts, which... take up so much room in his head that I have no chance of making the list of things to think about in a day. I have gotten to a place where I do miss him, but I don't hurt anymore. I called him for the first time in months the other day when a friend and I were headed to lunch at the restaurant he now works for. He was there, it wasn't awkward - it just felt sadly empty. I don't know what he's up to and it simultaneously is and isn't my fault. To that end, I am allowing myself the option to call him, now that I feel fortified and restructured. I still think he's a great person and there is a possibility of a friendship there.

So. I love you all, take care of your beautiful selves and continue to grow into the person you want to be. This year, in retrospect, is encompassed by that phrase. I feel like I have become something and someone different, yet the same; a version of myself that is stronger, wiser and, hopefully, better equipped to function in this crazy little life I lead.

-AA

Spring has Sprung

.... and apparently I as a human, am not immune to the animalistic desires that arise in spring time..... Cue "Let's get it on" - two boys in my bed in less than 24 hours - dear me, I believe the hoe is back. (My friend Eesh used to say "You my friend, but you my hoe friend" - being a hoe can be fun, but I don't think that's quite the direction I want to go right now... ;) maybe)

In other news, I keep forgetting that I gave up liquor for Lent and God keeps thumping me for my forgetfulness. (I also gave up hamburgers, which I seem to fare better at remembering not to partake of...) Anyway, this last instance in which I forgot that I was abstaining from alcohol was quite the interesting night, definitely worth recounting.

I went kind of like this plus or minus a few things:

I got home from rehearsal and was wiped out, I was supposed to go out with this guy I had met online and talked to a few times. He seemed nice enough but was a talker... but in the annoying way. So, he convinces me to come out against my better judgment.

I traipse all the way out to north Tally to meet him. In the mean time I pass several open burger joints and remember my promise to God while looking for the crackers I know are somewhere in my car (Dinner was almost seven hours ago and it was very small.... You can guess where this is going). I get to the bar, he's drinking a Martini so I decide to have one also. Then we get another round, and another until I am what you might call "shit faced." - he intelligently doesn't fish his third, so I try to.... bad choice number two of the night, or three if you count coming out as a bad choice ( I would like to implant in your vernacular B.L.D. - signifying Bad Life Decision, you know you love it). I try to take him home... not knowing exactly where he lives... and then we end up at my house. Things at this point get fuzzy. What I do know is that I think that I turn on the water heater but instead turn off the Furnace, so we froze all night long and I took a frigid shower the next day. I fell into my bath tub, yanking down the shower curtain, not once dear friends, but twice and managed to vomit on the shower curtain.... hot. This is where the night got messy. He tried to "help" me by forcing me to the toilet to vomit. I do not like to be "helped" or man handled when drunk, so that didn't go over well. I made my way to the kitchen, fending him off as I went, to put the shower curtain in a trash bag. Threw-up out of my back door - in my underwear.... aaaaand generally made a fool of myself in front of this man.

The next day, I was hung over all. day. long. I threw up at home, at work and almost did so everywhere else. I chauffeured Mr. Talks-a-lot home and he has been calling me ever since.... weird. (I would ignore my existence like the plague if I were him...) it was a miraculous event that I made it through a whole 3 hour rehearsal without vomiting again. - God, I got the message, no Liquor til the end of Lent.

Spring break has come, thank Jesus. I rewarded myself with a pair of cow boy boots at Good Finds Tallahassee (for 15 bucks!) and Antiquing all day Saturday like the true doily draped dame I am inside. I am an old cat-totin' granny, let's be real. An odd little paradox, however, is that I have worn those boots non-stop since I got them, and they make me feel like I finally got one of the things I have wanted my WHOLE LIFE. I am like a little kid when I put them on and simultaneously like the hairy chested, cigarette smokin', gun slingin' cowboys that I always thought were the pinnacle of masculinity. Hot. So in short I'm a Kid-Granny, Hairy chested-Doiliy collecting, Gun totin/Cat cuddling Gay man. - - - and what's more important is not what I am, but that I like it.

Other retail therapy took place Sunday when Mom took me to Belk and got me two very cute Lacoste Polos for 50% off... they are perfect for spring!! and, though I am not a Label Licker - I have never owned a Lacoste shirt... so I felt kind of cool and special walking out of the store with them in my bag (wearing my cowboy boots.)

I don' feel like a train wreck anymore and I feel okay with who I am an where I am going. School is still kind of on the back burner, but I am working on getting that together. I feel the gym coming in my near future.... I went to the beach on Sunday afternoon and saw the usual gentlemen that make you want to kill them for their statuesque perfection and take them home with you to have your way with them.... I say this periodically, but I really just want to feel good about the way I look, so, time to do something about it.

Apparently this is a period of personal growth that I have stumbled upon. Surprise!

I am not going to Atlanta this week so that I can properly say goodbye to Aid, a beautiful person and a MAJOR player in the restructuring of my post-Gem life and, possibly, welcome Lex if she comes - - - this means I cannot see Peach, her new serious beau ( kudos, darlin' ) or any of my other ATL friends, but I will be sure to make a trip after the opera!


Suffice it all to say that my life is a little messy, my methods a bit unusual, and my head and heart are in transition but I am happy and loving myself and being alive. I am working on myself daily and not every day is a good one, but over all, I can still laugh and love who I am at the end of the day.

Wishing you all the very best, missing each of you and sending you love, prayers and mischief. ;)

-AA

Realizations and Reactions

Sometimes God brings you to a place in life where you realize something heavy about yourself, a sobering fact that maybe you noticed before in the quiet moments, in the shadow of the day when the sun stretches its veils across the dimming sky. In recent days, something that I had only seen in the vaguest of detail came into focus. I am selfish. - - - In all seriousness selfishness is not quite as bad as your blue haired sunday-school teacher told you, but in this cause I feel a great necessity to rectify this fault of character where my friends are concerned. I have realized that there are periods of time when I put friends down and forget about them, hide them in a box and put them in the obscure corners of my mind. This revelation revealed my lack of ability to trust people... There really is no one that I have let all the way in, though Gem was getting close - and I think that's why I was so effected by the separation - and since have felt as if I were continuting life but feeling nothing. The point being that I have a tendency to keep people at arms length and in that distance allow myself to leave my friends behind in times when I am busy making the excuse that I am "too busy" when, since returning to the life of a bachelor, I spend most nights sitting on my couch alone. I have decided that I do invest in people quite a bit of myself and my time, but it is not the full bredth of my ability and the reason I cannot say that I have a "best friend" is because I have never allowed myself to be close enough to someone to have such a relationship.

All that being said, I have elected to examine my relationships here in T-nasty and decide which are worth spending more time on - creating a closer and more meaningful relationship- and which are not. The people who are my true friends deserve more and the people that aren't... well... don't. My goal is to increase time spent with friends and make lasting and unforgettable bonds that cannot be places in boxes or corners and as this is my last semester here, there are only very few moments left to make such connections.

With love,

AA


P.s. - I forgot to mention in my last post that my character in the opera is Persian and you know what that means! BRING ON THE SUN TAN LOTION ;) ( My little white bottom will be brown by March) I am excited about this project of obtaining tan skin - I look pretty good with one, if I do say so myself.

Ash Wednesday - Ashes and Embers

This post is a cliffnotes version of the past few days/weeks:

This Week:

Valentine's Day was lovely, I met a man from Paris online and we talked for the better part of the afternoon. Valentine's Night was a little less bright and cheery - half-empty beds don't make for the snuggliest of sleeping.

I sang for Graham Johnson, one of the most famous accompanists and vocal coaches of all time. He didn't love my performance, but I thought, for me, it was a performance to be proud of.... and I got more than a few compliments about my attire and stage presence. (FYI: I love me a good paisley tie... I think I have four in various color schemes - I wore the green and navy blue one that night) (People also said I looked good today, which made me feel quite nice)

I finally sent my application for the program I have been looking at in Spain. I am applicant number 1877 - which means that there is hope that I will get the grant to teach there for 8 months (October - May) but I might not.... So, I'm going to send all the additional paperwork and then I will find out in April whether I am accepted or not for this coming school year. If I am not, I am not really sure what my plans will be - but I guess we'll cross that bridge in April.

Another future travel update: I am going to Paris for most of July! I'm so EXCITED!! I make my final payment in a few days! I am looking for a flight etc, I want to go early but I don't know anyone there so I'd have to get a hotel or hostel for that amount of time.

Life is full of new plans and things coming together. I have decided that I am no longer able to avoid studying as I usually do and that weekends will soon start being devoted to homework to allow for less stressful and hectic week days.

I fell short of my plan to learn my Debussy set for my recital on or before Valentine's Day, so I am trying to wrap that up in short order, though I think I might leave Debussy for a while and learn some of the Hoiby that I have been assigned. 'To an isle in the water' sounds pretty interesting and quite a change of pace from what I have been working on so far this semester.

The opera has begun, we've already staged act one and started act two tonight. The going is tough, and it looks like I am going to have to buckle down here too. - An upside: I get to play a Persian man which means I have an excuse to get a great tan or even go to the tanning bed and I get to be funny and cute, hopefully I can avoid wearing the rehearsal skirt, or any skirt for that matter, for the rest of the run. Note to self: Don't be a Drag Queen.

French is kicking my beeeeehind. I am currently talking to three of my friends about meeting to practice conversing in French with each individually as well as starting to attend the student groups that meet weekly for French and Spanish. My conversational skills are not quite up to par, as noted by one of my teachers especially, so in order to get the grade I want I have to work harder.

To graduate Cum Laude, I need to bring my GPA up, which means it is time to get serious about school - and everything else... unfortunately.

I need to find a job for April through June that I can return to in August - October.... if anyone has any ideas, they'd be extremely appreciated.

Musings of the week:

Lucy Ho, Tallahassee's own restauranteur and Costume Mistress of the Florida State Opera Company, said that this is a bad year for us kids born in '86. (the year of the Tiger? - I think) and I have to give it to her, this year, thus far has been a year of much trial and tribulation but more than those things, internal discovery and growth. - - - I have discovered that I am not as comfortable with myself or others as I once thought. This is something that I am working on and trying to augment a bit. - - - Today in the car on the way back from Wal-Mart I was listening to a song (that I can't seem to find online right now) that talked about how two men view the same girl who sings the song and how one thinks she's perfect and wonderful and the other just seems to put up with her. She says one guy finds her irresistible. This thought gave me pause, I have never been or felt irresistible to anyone. For a moment I was sad and thought about how nice it would be to illicit such feelings from someone then I thought to myself this is something that should be remedied! Why am I always the one to invest everything and go bankrupt at the end of the day? It is far past the time that someone should invest in me in such a way that I feel loved, wanted, appreciated and above all irreplaceable.

Along those same lines, today marked the end of a second week without seeing Gem. At our last dinner there was a palpable disconnection between us, I don't know how I feel about him... he just exists and though he said he wanted to remain close and continues to say so, he makes no effort to maintain any sort of relationship with me. We have made countless sets of plans that he has bailed on and said "sorry, ...." insert sad excuse for a reason. I am quite through with "sorry" - the truth of the matter has always been and remains that if something or someone is important to you, you think of them and make time for them. I see no evidence that this is happening and thus, my hand is forced. I have decided to allow him to come to me whenever he pleases, but I will try to decrease effort on my end to a bare minimum, at this point he has fallen short in all ways possible and lacks the desire to truly make me feel worth his time and energy.

As it is Ash Wednesday, Lent begins - I am giving up Hamburgers and Liquor - a very sad trend for me lately has been to sneak off to McDonalds or some other place to get fast food when I get hungry. The weight I have managed to somehow lose will find me once again if I stay on said track - but more importantly, I think that it's time to think about the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and choose to make a sacrifice myself.

So, there are ashes floating about in the air, reminders and musings about the past and present as well as embers to stoke the flame of the future. Thank you all for your sweet messages of encouragement and kindness. I feel truly blessed and am making the daily decision to be happy as much of the time as possible, I wish you the same happiness.

Love to you all

-AA

Haywire Hairdryer.

The title of today's post refers to my dearest hairdryer that has, in fact, gone haywire. I have been sans hair assistance for the past few days and my "doo" has suffered a bit, but nothing of note yet. I feel like tomorrow the real rebellion will come and I'll look like a young brunette Albert Einstein. (If this does happen, I'll be sure to document it for you ;) ).

My brain has been much like a grocery list lately, full of points, facts, figures and data. My thoughts don't produce anything of real value beyond their first flash of meaning.

My head feels oddly disconnected from my body and without real purpose. - I've been sleeping quite a lot and watching self-imposed dvr'd television marathons and maybe this is the source of the absenteeism of my usual excess of thoughts.

I hooked up with someone this weekend.... I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't have. He was sexy and available, but not someone I see myself dating long-term. He's a fantastic guy and I don't want to turn him into Mister Make-do, but I feel like he might be my 're-bound' guy. All I can say is that I would like a Valentine - maybe between now and Feb. 14th something in the stars will align? Regardless, it feels more than fulfilling to have a couple gentleman callers. ;) and by a couple I mean.... a few. I truly am, at least some part Blanche Devereaux - and I like it.

Goal for the next post is to regain my bearings and try for more elegant prose, until then, I have hair to hassle with and gentleman to gently ( or not so gently) kiss....

Love to you all.

-AA

New Month, New Post.

I'm sure you've all missed me since Wednesday, but I thought that I (and perhaps you) needed some time after that last post to digest everything I was thinking.

The past few days have been full of friends couched in libations, and laughter. I spent Saturday and Sunday night with Momma, Mix and MacGee. The three of them are truly just fantastic people. Happily, I ran into Aid and Twin on Friday night after a fabulous dinner with friends at Tapas on Thomasville Rd. Aid and Twin are doing well, I haven't really seen too much of them since Gem and I stopped seeing each other. I had an excellent conversation with Aid who was her brilliant and helpful self. I know that God has brought me to Aid and Twin, we are alike and different, each special with our own unique presence but we all are facing things that are difficult to parse through and make good sense out of... I thank God for Twin and Aid... They make me stronger and I hope that, in some fashion, I do the same.

I ran into Gem too, and tried to be available and aloof. Paradoxical, I know. We were supposed to see each other some time between Sunday and Tomorrow, but I have a feeling that other things will overshadow me in his mind and I will disappear beneath photo shoots, pot, and general mismanagement of time. I texted and called today to see if he was available for dinner and he still hasn't responded - 5 hours later.

Today was mostly good in retrospect, but while it was happening it was rather awful. The short story is that I am supposed to be registered for an ensemble every Spring and Fall semester, but am not currently because until today, I was unaware that it was necessary after one had completed all the necessary semesters for credit. Upon finding out I was in trouble, I went to the present and future department head to explain why I had not signed up for an ensemble. Condensed it seems much less dramatic, but there was much ado about the whole situation. I was informed that I may be able to keep my schedule as it is but I won't get the final verdict until tomorrow.

Today, I am living, but feeling rather "blah" - Thoughts, Energy and Prayers accepted, as always.

Love to you all,
AA